A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm moving to another city for nine months next November. I have talked about this to my boyfriend about a month ago. We are going to stay together while I'm away.I feel like we haven't spent quality time together lately because he has a lot of homework, which is fine. But he likes going out with his friends when he has free time and I feel left out!Yesterday I told him how I felt about this and suggested we spend as much time together as we can before I leave and while I'm away he can spend as much time as he wants with his friends! (I know I would do the same thing)He called me manipulative after I said this. Do you think it's true? I was pretty sure it was a reasonable suggestion, but now I'm doubting myself...I should also tell you this: he is very manipulative himself, I once tried breaking the relationship off because I was feeling very uncared for (he wouldn't call, we would barely see each other, etc) and he threatened to kill himself. He also started hitting himself with his car's door while he was yelling it was all my fault. He has told me I make him miserable, etc. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 you were not manipulative at all.
my ex husband used to hit himself with things when he got upset. It gets old after a while. and it's a clear sign of an unstable frame of mind...
I think that his manipulation of you borders on emotional abuse and you should think long and hard about staying with this boy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): Okay...
You need to be aware that when someone makes the threat "I'm going to kill myself if you leave me" and such behavior as you described (hitting himself with the car door...) That is more than manipulation.
That is sever Emotional abuse. The US Army ranks abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual,) and the threat to kill yourself if your partner leaves is ranked in the highest level of abuse catagory (right up there with beating someone to death/strangulation, etc.)
This behavior is not okay at all. It may or may not signal some form of mental illness. However, such threats should be treated with severity, (such as you calling a suicide hotline, informing family members or trusted adults.)
I want to make this clear: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your boyfriend needs some serious help and only he can make himself better. His treatment of you and not wanting to spend time with you are red flags. But that one act is more than a red flag, more than an alarm bell. It is a tornado warning siren, if anything.
I say if he is wanting to spend time with his friends, then let him. Back off from slowly. Spend time with your friends and family again. Observe him. If he starts to freak out, then you need to speak to an adult ASAP about his behavior. Do not take threats lightly, and just know that your boyfriend needs more help than you can offer.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 October 2011):
 I think it was a good idea to spend as much time as possible together, it doesn't mean that he can't do anything else. Maybe.. you should let this relationship run it's course while you are away?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I say the same thing to my boyfriend all the time before a semester starts or before I go on vacation somewhere for a while and I won't get to see him. You just wanted to get a lot of him into your system before leaving so you'd leave with an impression and so you wouldn't miss him as much, and you'd be "satisfied" for the time being. That's perfectly understandable. He shouldn't have called you manipulative because I don't think it came across like that. HE overreacted and maybe gave you a clue as to how much he really cares about your feelings (not a lot). Of course it's understandable he wants to be out with friends sometimes, and I don't think you meant that you want him ALL DAY EVERYDAY, but rather a bit more often than usual. That's not too much to ask for. I'd re-examine the relationship and go cold turkey on him for a while, like RedAthena said.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (14 October 2011):
 This just sounds like a bad match! If the two of make these kind of demands on each other, you might not have much of a future.
He is aware of you leaving for 9 mos. You stated that the two of you spend as much time with each other as possible before you leave. You let him know that you were making your remaining free time available to him before you leave.
His reaction was very revealing that he is FINE not spending that much time with you.
Now that he let you know he does not plan on spending that free time with you-spend it with your friends, your family, doing great things for yourself to prepare for your move.
I suggest that you back off completely and take this opportunity to really examine your relationship. If he threatens to kill himself-do not react. Call his family and let them know he has done this before.
This move might be the best thing for you! You will gain independance and you might realize that that this guy really is not what your life needs! Maybe go into the city with freedom! If you are having your doubts; ending a relationship before going into a new adventure might be good timing!
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 I don't think that it was you trying to manipulate him. But as much as I understand that you want to spend as much time with him as you can before you go, he still has the right to socialise with his friends. If he drops his friends now and spends all of his free time with you well then they might feel neglected and then fall away from him and he will be left with nobody. Am sure you don't want that. However if he is spending all of his free time with them and not spending any time at all with you well then that is totally unfair of him. Ask him to share his time equally between you so that everybody wins. If you feel that he is the one that is manipulative and you are not happy in the relationship well then get out of it. If you are having doubts well then there must be good reasons and if you feel like he doesn't care about you then I don't see why you would want to still be with him.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jack Mydle  +, writes (14 October 2011):
Yes. It sounds like he is very manipulative. It sounds like you care much for this person also. Your request is not unreasonable; however, forgetting about his reaction to how you feel, if you are so worried about losing this guy, you will be victim to his manipulation all the time. To keep from being disappointed, don't expect people will do what you would(however, that would have been very thoughtful of you. A thought that may have gone under appreciated to hit another disappointment). Deep down, as human beings, we know what is right and wrong, fair or unjust. We are just sometimes afraid to acknowledge the truth to ourselves. Don't be a push over; it seems like you are patient, but there is that, then there is simply putting up with someone. In the long run, there is frustration and anger. You may even begin to react to things as he would with you, not out of spite but because subconsciously, this is how he would treat you.
...............................
|
