A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hiya I've been with my boyfriend now for 4 years when we first met he told me he likes women that have long blonde hair and pale blue eyes it never bothered me when we met as I thought nothing of it but lately these last few months any blonde haired women that walk past he stares and stares at them till they're out of sight. I have confronted him a few month ago and he walked out on me. It bothers me because I'm the total opposite of the type he goes for. I have long dark hair and dark blue eyes. I'm only slim but it worries me I'm not enough for him. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): Why do you imagine he told you that his preference is for something you're not? And then proceed to ogle the ones that meet his supposed criteria? TO MAKE YOU INSECURE AND JEALOUS!!He doesn't want these other women, he wants your insecurity. Many men it would seem, use this tactic to rob the person they supposedly love of their confidence and happiness. And judging by the amount of posts here just today on this very same subject, it works very well! It's been done to me as well. With a devastating effect on my confidence. I started wearing sexier clothes, things I would never have worn before in the hope that he would look at me and stop the staring and sexual flirting, which was all done with me in mind. He didn't want them, he just didn't want me to have enough confidence to ever leave him. But, because of this and other horrible behaviour, I did and I'm much happier now :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): You confronted him and he walked out. He knows he's doing it and doesnt like being called on it. He wanted to carry on. Not the most mature response from him. You were entitled to bring something up that was hurting your feelings. To be honest we all notice attractive people but to tell you his type and that looked nothing like you then continually stare at that type? That would be a deal breaker for me. He is very immature.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2016): I have dark blonde hair (naturally) and my ex boyfriend liked blondes. He would stare at any blonde woman... the paler blonde the better. Like you I never felt good enough. It's a horrible feeling that never left me as he never stopped. I used to dress beautifully and make such an effort but his eyes wandered. Turned out he'd been chatting to other women online. I ended the relationship and now I'm with a man that does not do that in front of me. Life is good. Yours can be too.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 November 2016):
 Humour can be a good weapon sometimes. If you take the piss out of him for his busty blonde fixation in front of friends then pretty soon they will start taking the piss out of him too. They become your allies. Then it isn't just you on your own, and it is out in the open for all to see.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (5 November 2016):
 Why has this suddenly reared its head after 4 years together? Did he always leer and you just didn't notice, or it didn't bother you, or has he only recently started leering?
How good is your relationship? If you can't talk about things and discuss them in a mature adult way without him walking out, then it does not bode well for the future.
I feel there is a lot more involved here than what colour hair he likes.
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A
female
reader, Mistercatbean  +, writes (5 November 2016):
 I had a similar experience in which my boyfriend of 3 years told me he's had a thing for red heads. I became so self conscious and I was too worried to talk to him about it. It got to the point where I would bleach my naturally very dark hair to a brown and then add red dye gradually over time. I would try talking to him about it again. Do you have a certain type or aesthetic you are drawn to in a guy? Do you see how that may parallel your partner'a behaviour. We all have something we are drawn to but what makes us stay isn't the colour of someone's hair or the colour of their eyes. I'be always been into dying my hair and coloured contacts and your look can change so easily especially nowadays. What is detrimental to your self esteem is when you try to change how you look because of feeling insecure and for reasons that aren't because of what YOU want. Also be mindful of how you share your feelings with your partner. If you share your feelings in a way such as "you just keep staring at girls with ______ and it makes me feel like I'm nothing/not attractive/not good enough" , you might see that it could make someone very upset and feel attacked. Especially if they picked YOU (for 4 years!) What is important and what my boyfriend told me when I finally got around to sharing how I felt in a constructive way such as "I've been feeling low in self -esteem lately because I have been worried about my appearance - it isn't that blond and blue eyed ideal you like but this is me and I am working towards having the most confidence in myself." Is that it is who I am that makes me special. He loves my hair, and he loves it no matter what colour I dye it or if I let it be how it is naturally. It is your laugh, your quirks, the way you carry yourself, your confidence that draws your boyfriend to you with a pull stronger than any simple "look". What he has with you is a multifaceted and deep relationship. He has seen you at your worst and seen you at your best, you've pulled through the toughest mud together and enjoyed the most light hearted moments. You can't simply encapsulate and transfer those experiences through a 3
second glance at a "poster girl" or "poster guy". Those experiences are yours and yours alone. I know it's tough and I've always been extremely self-conscious and critical of how I look and if it's "good-enough" but it is confidence In that you are uniquely beautiful and confidence in the strength of your relationship that is important. Don't be afraid to try out different looks in order to find what makes YOU feel most confident and feel yourself. Sometimes this commonly ends up in embracing your own unique features.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (5 November 2016):
I think you have a right to confront him on his leering in front of you .. that jut so disrespectful. . but he did pick you ..so I would be confident in that ..If he doesn't stop the leering either do the smell to him or walk away and say nothing ..He will get the message .. chin up though
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 November 2016):
 If you weren't enough for him then why is he in a relationship with you? If you let these insecurities get the better of you and constantly have a go at him for it then you're very likely to push him away and make him walk out for good.
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