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I don't like children at all but why am I thinking about the possibilty?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Pregnancy<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 February 2019) 6 Answers - (Newest, 21 February 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I’m 26 and have never ever ever wanted children in my whole life and the thought of giving birth and being pregnant makes me feel sick and squeamish. I don’t even find babies or children cute and I get very uncomfortable around them~ at Christmas I was helping my boyfriends 5 year old niece build lego and I felt really awkward. I’ve always been very stubborn and upfront about that when I was dating new guys and said that long term I couldn’t really ever see myself as a mother and prefer animals to children. I wouldn’t date a single father.

With my ex I went through small phases where we both considered a child in the future and these feelings lasted a couple of weeks of fantasy about names and their personally but was shattered every time I heard a child cry or make a loud noise. I was even more adamant that I never wanted them.

I feel ashamed to admit now that the thought of having a child (just one) is something on my mind quite a bit. Like what would they be like? Could it be fun?

The question is should I talk to my boyfriend about it? He’s 31 and always been like me that he never wants children and doesn’t find them cute and it’s enough having a young niece and nephew. I don’t feel like I would regret not having a child as it’s not been a priority to me at all, unlike getting married. I plan on marrying this man, I love him to pieces and he’s so right for me in every way and we’ve never argued over anything. We’re talking of moving in together towards the end of the year and have been together nearly 2 years. I don’t want to upset him by mentioning something like this that I’m not even certain I would want in the future and it would pass, but it feels kind of wrong bottling it up?

He would always support me in anything but I’m not sure how he would take this at all. In the past he considered getting the operation since he never wanted children. He also thinks that he’d be a bad father and says the thought of having children scares him and even more when he thinks that a child could be born with a life changing disability and thus having to provide extra care and attention/expenses for them.

If I ever got occidentally pregnant and couldn’t go for an abortion I don’t think he’d leave me and would stay to support me, but I know that it’s not what he would truly want. I would never want to be a single mother, and believe personally children should only be born within marriage (I'm not religious)

Why do I feel this way? It’s causing me quite a bit of emotional stress. None of my friends or anyone close to me are pregnant or have young babies?

Thanks for reading!

View related questions: abortion, christmas, my ex, want children

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (21 February 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntThing is, your kid would be that one screaming endlessly in public. It happens to everyone, so it's something you'd have to accept as part of raising a child.

Like I said, I'd give it a year before thinking about discussing it with him. It's a good idea to wait until your 30s, but it's not worth bringing it up for another 12 months or so because you're not sure and you've got plenty of time to figure it out :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2019):

Having a child is easy if you dont premeditate it and just allow yourself to adapt to your circumstances but if you stop to think it over its a nightmare in terms of commitment, timing, financial adjustment etc so you have to be able to go with the flow.

The general consensus is that its your body and your choice.

No one is the same.

Rarely are two children the same in terms of personality.

If you like animals you would probably make a good mother but a much higher level of commitment would be required.

Children bring both joy and sorrow and they are life changing in every way.

So if you jump on the roller coaster you have to be ready to adapt and adjust your lifestyle and not all children are grateful to their parents for bringing them in to the world.

Also not all adults make good parents.

A good grandparent is a handy assest in these days of expensive child care but make sure you are in agreement about these issues.

I would say that the best thing is not to stress about it but see if nature wants to create a new life through you and to see if you and your partner are able to make adjustments when the time comes..

Some people worry about practical aspects such as the health of the child or the state of their own finances or health or otherwise.

When you see children laying down to sleep on streets it is easy to worry about the morality of bringing children into the world who you feel you cant provide for adequately.

But thats worst case scenario.

Most people manage the middle pathway while feeling they would like to do more.

If you want to bring a child into this world its probably best not to worry about the 'what ifs!'

Because it is as random as every day is different and no one can acurrately predict every outcome or circumvent every difficult or dangerous event.

Parents love their children so much because they are real little people who need nuturing and comfort and protection.

Kids always look cute but not all the time.

They too get tired, fed up, irritable,etc.

But most parents just try to weather the storms and smile for the sunny days.

Its not even ecologically sound when you think of disposable nappies but thats way down the track and if you shuddered and said 'yuk' then I would suggest that you are not quite ready yet unless you can pay for a live in nanny and then maybe send the kids off to boarding school.

Its a difficult decision for most people but once youve put your heart and soul into the job of having kids then you will understand the sorrows and the rewards.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for the replies so far;

singinbluebird~ To be honest I haven't grown up with young children so am very unfamiliar with them and have only really judged when I see badly behaved ones or ones that won't stop screaming. There have been a couple of occasions where I've been like "they're actually quite cute" but not very often, and they've only been when the child is over the age of 2/3. I was in a cafe the other week and watching a little girl who was about 4 and that's when I started thinking that it might be nice to have a little family one day. The thoughts of having a child and helping them and seeing them take their first milestones makes me feel a way that i've never felt before.

I've always been that girl who will stop and say hello to every animal I walk past!

Andie's Thoughts~ The thought of pregnancy terrifies me more than actually having a child! I decided a long time ago if on the off chance I ever did want children I wouldn't be wanting them unless I was married and in my early to mid 30's.

chigirl~ Very true. It's more the past couple of years I've been a bit more like "if a future partner wanted them then I could probably deal with having one child, but it's not something I need to have in my life, unlike marriage".

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (18 February 2019):

chigirl agony auntJust tell him. How can you even be so sure about what he wants, you thought you were 100% sure too, and then you werent. Things change. We change. It happens.

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States +, writes (18 February 2019):

singinbluebird agony auntYour dealing with what most women in late 20s sometimes think about. Which is children . And that's okay, it's an idea. Having children or not is a personal choice and its yours alone and with your partner. But from everything you've stated it seems you shouldn't have children as you said you don't like kids ?

I will never have children but absolutely adore children. They're the light of my world and my nieces/nephews bring me a level of joy I have never felt anywhere else. I helped raise all 14 of them. And instead of smiling or petting dogs on street, I'm the creepy lady smiling at babies or waving at them or making faces to make them smile.

If you feel you cannot like or be with children, trust your gut. But if you feel open and light and the joy of seeing your baby smile you with trust brings you happiness, then maybe reconsider it and talk about the possibility of having children with your partner. Ive seen a few women who declare children are devil , to become mothers and say it was the best choice of their life. And that it surpassed all the other happiness that they had chosen before such as travel, career. Etc. But it ultimately is a individual choice and a serious one as well.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (17 February 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt’s natural. I feel the same way as you about pregnancy and birth, but I plan to adopt someday because I do want children. Whilst I’m adamant that I don’t want to go through pregnancy or birth, I do sometimes wonder what it would feel like if I wasn’t terrified of the thought and experienced it.

Thing is, children are lifelong commitments and aren’t “fun” in so many ways, so they can’t be decided on on a whim, especially when you do change your mind each time.

As you’re still young and have time to think it over, I wouldn’t mention it to him yet. If you still feel this way in a year and haven’t changed your mind during that time, mention it to him. If it’s a deal breaker, you’ll have to decide what you want more - him or a child.

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