A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My current boyfriend has told me previously that he is not a virgin. He had sex in his last relationship that lasted 3 years. He said that he had wanted to save it for marriage and that when she brought it up a year in he said no, only to give in a year later. He did it because he thought she was the one he'd be with forever.She broke up with him via text message this past summer after a week of being at university. I feel for him and I know how hard it was to share this with me. Whenever something does come up about it, like his best friend telling me how much more he likes me than his previous girlfriends, or why my boyfriend transferred schools (He didn't say it out loud, but I got the implication, he'd moved from 4 hours away to a college back home to be close to her), or his lack of virginity. He still gets upset about it kind of. And almost immediately requests to close the subject, which of course we do. This shouldn't worry me right?And I am a virgin, which he knows. So we've been together for a month and so far all we've done is him finger me, and I give him a hand job. We've both agreed no sex, we want to wait until marriage, even if he hints all the time of a great future, how long he wants to be with me, etc. To be honest I feel that he sees marriage as a possibility, but doesn't want to put it out there, and of course I'm the same way.We haven't exchanged the L word yet, which I'm thinking is normal, because it's so early. I guess my question is, how should I be feeling about this? What's normal? Or should I think it's a big deal? I know I shouldn't and 85% of me doesn't with how much I care for him. But I can't help but sometimes wonder at his 3 years of experience, and if he compares me to someone else.Any advice or comments are much appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): The vast majority will tell you that his previous sexual experience is not a big deal.
The vast majority will also tell you it's not a big deal for you to start having sex with him right now, either.
You're not in the vast majority. So just do what's right for YOU and YOUR value system, even if that means leaving him over it.
A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (28 May 2010):
I know it's natural to feel like you might be compared to, but I can say personally, when you're really in to a new person in your life, if you're over any ex's then you don't think about them or compare them to who you're with now.
3 years is a long time so I can see why you have confused feelings about it. But it sounds like that relationship is long in the past, and that your boyfriend seems well in to you.
It's good that you are holding back from having sex for the time being. Whether or not you really want to wait until you are married is up to you, personally I'd say that probably isn't the best of ideas but I'd definitely say taking your time and not rushing in to things is always the best solution. Enjoy being together. That's the main thing. When sex happens, things can get complicated because emotions become so much more intense.
But mostly I would say, try not to feel compared to. Just be yourself. Have great fun times with your boyfriend and his ex will be nothing but a long distant memory. Just think, he might have been with her 3 years but that is nothing compared to the amount of years you'll spend with him if everything works out well.
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