A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have recently discovered that one of my closest friends is a liar and a manipulator; there really isn’t another word for it. In the past 6-7 I’ve had some doubts here and there, but never got a clear confirmation. Until now. I’ve known her all of my life and I knew she had a tendency to misread certain situations and embellish others. But I thought nothing of it. As years went by, I couldn’t help but notice that she would repeat on and on certain stories as if she were reliving them. Unfortunately, most of these stories, if not all, turned out to be lies. She would also talk about her other friends I didn’t know (I’ll get to that later).Even then, when things were happening, I kept saying to myself that she is lonely and if she needs to misread something a guy she liked did as a proof of “special attention”, I had no problem with that. When she would ask me what I thought, I would tell her what I really thought that if that guy (actually any guy she was interested in) wanted something more, he would have done something. But I never thought that she was lying to manipulate me and others! When her aunt died she started relying more and more on some of her friends, me included. We were all in our late thirties, married with or without children. She was lonely and would always ask if she could com for a weekend, holidays etc. That’s when I started having doubts about serious lies. We were doing so many favors for her that at some point she started inventing stories to have us do stuff for her.Now, what happened in the recent months is this: some of her friends, whom she usually had kept apart, got together and swapped stories. We were all shocked. First of all we got together because she told to some of us that she had some health issues, “funny lumps”. We wanted to help her, convince her to see a doctor etc. No need for that. She was lying. When we met, we learned that she had been going behind our backs badmouthing us to one another, always starting by saying how worried she is for one of us before either repeating what was said in confidence or lying. What a can of worms we opened! What stood out is that one other friend and I were the most targeted. I realized at that moment, and I kid you not my blood went cold, that this lifelong “friend” of mine must really hate me to be able to do this to me. Manipulate me, lie about me, undermine me and even take stuff from me (I’ll get to that later).What scared me the most is how elaborate, premeditated and purposeful her lies had been. When I mentioned this to my shrink, I saw that she took it seriously. We discussed it and she thought it best for me NOT to confront this person and to drop her slowly, without any drastic actions like blocking her numbers etc. Here are two really big red flags, something that this friend couldn’t not explain no matter what:- she had asked one of her friends NOT to see me about a project I was working on (she concocted a story for that friend…). At that time it was something very important to me. A funny thing is, this woman would have seen me after the email I sent her. The stupid thing I did was talking about it with this “friend”. - she stole from me a notebook with some of my ideas and designs, but instead of throwing it away, she told two of her other friends that it belonged to one of her “men” (an illustrator she was interested in).This notebook disappeared the last time she came to stay with my family. I had this nagging feeling that it had something to do with her. So, when all hell broke loose, I showed a photo of one of my kids holding my notebook (I designed special covers for it) and two women remembered seeing it at our friend’s place and being told that it belonged to the illustrator I mentioned.I wish I could just erase everything… I don’t know what to do. I took my shrinks advice. I never contact her and when she texts me I don’t respond immediately. I’m always polite and very busy… This is a nightmare. I feel so vulnerable and stupid.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2022): You were duped as were a lot of other people, don't beat yourself up over it-- just move on.
About the theft-- I'm in a somewhat similar situation. A guy I have been friends with almost all my life stole some small things from my house. I decided it was best not to confront him so he doesn't retaliate somehow. Guess who's not getting invitations/gifts from me anymore?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2022): Not sure why your shrink says to drop her slowly. Clearly even just replying to this person is stressful. Why would you waste your time on dropping her slowly when she wasted no time in lying to you and stealing your stuff? Here’s what i would do: politely text/tell her you found out she has your notebook and that you no longer want to be friends. Block her or put her texts on mute so you don’t see her notifications and never reply. No extra explanations necessary. She might want to talk more or explain herself, or Ask you how you found out, or lie more- but talking will just make it worse. Just be polite, to the point and move on. Cut your losses. You stayed friends with her for this long despite red flags because a part of you feels this fulfillment from being nice and a friend to lean on. So ask yourself why you need this. If you want to improve ppl’s lives, go volunteer somewhere. Friendships should he two way and honest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2022): P.S.
The toughest part is hearing what has been said about you behind your back. It's humiliating after being so loyal. Explaining (without going into detail) to mutual acquaintances why we no longer communicate. I just don't get into it, and suggest we don't go there. I don't feel any need to clean-up after him. Anyone who believed whatever he said, can't be considered my friend; if they don't know me better than that. Believe whatever you like, I've got all the love and friends I need. Lose one, make another.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2022): Boy, can I relate to your post. I have a former-acquaintance/ex-friend who is a recording artist from back in the early 90's. A one-hit wonder. I intimated a lot of personal thoughts and opinions, and shared confidential matters with this person. Little did I know he was telling other people I had some sort of issues with them; and making people believe I was two-facing HIM!!!
I noticed his humor always put me down, he'd make suggestive comments about me to strangers we've just met, and I could go on. I'm really good at discerning personalities; but somehow this guy stayed under the radar. He would go on and on and on about his short-lived recording career. He only made one minor hit, you'd think he won dozens of big-time music awards and sold millions of copies. He did do well on some underground recordings, and some made it to clubs in Europe. Not big, but ok. I'd just sit and listen to his stories over and over; while others would walk away, or walk the other way when they saw him coming! He always made a big entrance, over-dressed for the occasion, and critiquing how everyone looked. As if we all came specifically in his honor; and awaiting his inspection and review. Yes, he was always annoyingly late! It always embarrassed me.
I always felt numb, like I'd been given shots of Novocain allover my body listening to this guy. You'd sit there paralyzed, dying to get-up and run screaming!
I was sitting at a table at a café with some other friends from out of town. Someone I knew came over to the table ranting at me, accusing me of all sorts of things concerning him. He said he was surprised at me, because it just didn't seem anything like me to do or say such things. I told him to stop right there. It didn't seem like me? I notice that as he approached our table, that "so-called friend" got-up from the table to sit over on a bench near the garden. I thought it strange. I calmed the guy down, explaining to him that it sounded out of character, because it was untrue. He paused, and looked at me, and he said he believed me; and apologized to everyone at the table for his abrupt intrusion and rudeness. Of course, we spoke one-on-one later; and I found out who the culprit and instigator was. You guessed it! The one-hit wonder himself!
I decided I was tired of the degrading jokes at my expense, the pretense of a friendship, and the backstabbing. Everything he was doing to ME, he was telling his friends I was doing to him. I later discovered inadvertently, by a slip of his tongue; that he is on medication for bipolar disorder and anxiety. I later learned, through a reliable source, he was barred from a nightclub in the neighboring state where he lives; because he caused trouble, and actually had physical fights with patrons. Of course, he told a different version of these incidents. I was astonished!!! I've known him for eight years, and never picked-up on the fact I was being undermined; and there was a character-assassination going-on right-up under my nose. It was so mean-girlish. Not manly or mature by any means!
Don't feel bad. Some people can hide their evil side, and creep about undetected for years. I considered this person among my most trusted of friends; only to find-out he was systematically working to destroy my reputation, and separate me from other friends. I feel as you do, I wish I could erase it all; but instead, I've shaken it off, and I won't look back. I haven't seen hide nor hair of that demon for the past four years. I've moved on. Until I read your post, he was out of sight, out of mind.
Live long enough, and you're bound to encounter these sorts of characters. They manage to weasel their way into your life, and you actually care dearly for them. Had I not caught-on, no telling how much irreparable damage he could have done. I forgive him, but I'll never have anything to do with him ever again. He was a lot of laughs, very jovial, a very charismatic person; and he had a great singing voice. Too bad it was tainted with lies and deception.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 January 2022):
 I absolutely agree with YCBS, this isn't ON you nor YOUR doing - this is ALL her.
You guys in the friend circle probably ignored a lot of red flags with this one, which in turn emboldened her to keep doing this and creating division and drama. Some people are like that, unfortunately.
Keep following your shrink's advice. Let this friendship run out in the sand, slowly. You know she enjoys manipulation of others and situations so keep being "oh so busy" and be slower and slower in replying to messages.
Don't take HER obnoxious behavior on YOU. Could you have perhaps known sooner? Yea, but does it matter now? No.
Guess who is going to be without friends? Her. And that is all ON her.
Did you ever get that notebook back? Or does it no longer matter?
Don't waste any more time on this one. She isn't worth your time nor your regret.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (1 January 2022):
 I only have one piece of advice: remember this is not about YOU but about HER. Whatever she did was primarily to shore up the stories (lies) she had concocted and to keep up the pretense. I doubt any of it was because she hates/d you. Don't take it personally or let her live, rent free, inside your head.
If you don't want her in your life any longer, then distance yourself from her in any way you see fit and leave her in your past. You are free to pick your friends as you see fit.
New year, new start. Hold your head high and walk away calmly. You deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2022): Either stay friends with her or end it. Going on about all of the various things she did is pointless, time consuming and boring.
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