A
female
age
41-50,
*ollyngu
writes:I am currently seeing a married man who had separated from the wife before we met. He told me the truth from the start and we had a beautiful friendship. My gut at the time told me to give him a chance, after all, he was the sweetest guy I had met he spent time with me, did good things to me, introduced me to all his friends, who like me, told his ex and even his mother that he had met someone else. I was touched by his ability to feel. The way he expressed the hurt from the separation from the wife made me think that he was a genuine guy. One day he even asked me, "where have you been all my life? Why did I have to spend so much time with some one else and not you?" I felt he appreciated me.He had a twin who died suddenly after a night out on 17th Dec 2006. He told me that was a hard blow to him that left him with very little in life to look forward to. He even stopped looking after his business.One day he told me that his ex had suspected him of cheating prior to her leaving him 6 months before we met. When I asked him whether he had done it, he confessed that he had. One day he told me that he had gotten another woman pregnant and had hoped to adopt the child since the ex had had 2 premature deaths- girls and it seemed that they could not get their own kids. Unfortunately this other woman decided to have an abortion.When we started seeing each other, we used to have sex every day but after 4 or 5 months, this ended abruptly when I one day joked that I wanted to take a break from the pill.I thought everything was fine between us until I went for a 3 week holiday out of the country after quitting an unfulfilling job. He rarely called me despite having my new number. I am the one who used to call him everyday. He would tell me that he would call, but most times he didn't. I chose to ignore it. One day I called him and he told me that something had happened and he was really sad but could not tell me what it was. He would tell me when I got back home. When it was time to come back home, I asked him to come pick me up from the airport. I thought he had agreed. When I landed, I called him only to find out he was still at home!!! I was so annoyed when I got home as I had to catch a cab! It was hard to even give him a hug! Then I found he had bought me some bangles... He has never bought me a gift before! I immediately thought he bought the bangles to apologize for something...After two days, he told me that the reason why he had been down was because auctioneers has been to our home and took property to recover rent overdue for 2 months! I flipped! Part of the property was my stuff that I had moved in with! The property had since been returned by the time I was back.I was on my periods so we did not have sex. It's been two months since my trip and we have had sex only twice.After one week of being back, his mother died of a rare form of cancer. I did all I could to support him ( i lost mine when I was 11 years). His ex came for the funeral but the disconnect between them was rather evident to all.Then last week she called him and went off on him! She felt humiliated that I was at the funeral and over the roof when she found out that I had moved in with him! He seemed keen to find the mole that had told her but he couldn't close in on any one person. I told him there's no point since all his friends and siblings know. It could be anyone. It's not a secret.He told me of a lady friend he met while I was away through a male friend of his.I even met her at his mum's funeral and we exchanged numbers. She is supposedly married with a 12 year old but from his description I wonder how her marriage works. She is always out, I recently found her number in his call register. They have been calling each other after 10 pm!! Mostly when he's out clubbing! When I confronted him, he was very defensive and snapped at me for "snooping". I told him to cut association with her but he has stubbornly refused! He has since changed his keypad lock so I can't "snoop" anymore. When we started going out, he gave me all his passwords but he's now changing his phone lock code!!Last Saturday, I went out with my gals. He also went out but got home before me. He called me to ask where I was so he could come pick me up. I told him. He then said that he would call me when he left the house. After an hour, he called me to tell me he could not come pick me since he had misplaced his car keys. Then he told me that his dude friend would be taking the guest room with his girlfriend. I smelled a rat and rushed home. I found his friend at the door, he looked apologetic that he wanted to come with his girlfriend to our home and I did not looked too happy about it. Since it was pretty early (3am) I let them in. My boyfriend was asleep in our room and he had put a condom in the guest room for his friend. I was disappointed that my boyfriend treated our home like a lodging for his friend to come and sleep with his gal. I woke up the earliest the next day and went to the kitchen only to find a used condom wrapped in kitchen paper towel. The wrapper was different from the one my boyfriend had placed for his friend. And for it to be in the kitchen wrapped in kitchen paper towel! I had never met his friend and he has never come to our house, how would he know that he could find paper towels in the kitchen to wrap a condom in? The most logical place for him to go is the toilet! I confronted my boyfriend but he feigned ignorance and is now accusing me of not trusting him. I told him that I do not appreciate him carrying on like our home is for his friend's sexual escapades. It's our private home.Two days ago he told me he needs space for a week. Last night I noticed he goes to our bedroom and locks the door for a few minutes and is using Vaseline a lot. When I told him what I had noticed, he went out "for a drive" he's come back this morning drunk and has slept on the sofa. His fingers smell sweet.I'm I hounding him too much with my paranoia? What should I do about his space? I'm hurting so much because I feel he's hiding something from me. Is he mourning his late twin?Please help.
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a break, abortion, clubbing, condom, drunk, exchanged numbers, his ex, married man, moved in, needs space, period, the pill Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): I read your post 3 times. Your bf is a player, always was, and always will be. All the "red" flags are waving madly. You need to let go and start over. "Married" guys who cheats always say the same things to get sympathy, trust, then..........It's called "fishing" and see who bites. They always come accross like Mr. Wonderful, and their wives should be happy to have them, but they don't appreciate them and are bitches. They might not come out to say those words, but the story always leads to that conclussion. It's a "red" flag, and women who come accross men like that should "run like hell!" If you don't, he'll be throwing the same fishing line about you one day to another. Run like hell, before you get anymore hell, because your life will be hell for as long as he's in it. Don't believe me? Stay and see what happens............
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (12 December 2009):
My dear, its very obvious that he is cheating on you... I don't even know why you stayed with him after he abandoned you at the airport. He just doesn't know how to tell you he wants to break up so he is doing shit to piss you off. This is my advice: don't confront him right now. First come up with a plan to move out of his place and have somewhere ready to go. Try get him to sort out your bills and stuff first; maybe even your clothing accounts :-). Then just one day leave without notice and if he still wants you he will find you, then you can talk. If you confront him now, he will just tell you what you want to hear but will carry on cheating. Good luck.
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