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I don't feel comfortable with my boyfriend's parenting

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 October 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 31 October 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been dating a man with a 13 year old daughter for 5 months and feel ready to meet her. I thought I was anyway. He is still drying her after a shower on her back and her legs. She is going through puberty and has all the maturing parts of a teenager. I am struggling with this. She lives with him 4 days a week and showers each night which is great she gets clean. I think it is up to him to teach her modesty and that she is a young lady now. He said he is hoping she will stop asking him but isn't it up to him to set the boundaries. I do understand that she enjoys his attention and he is a great dad but surely now she is developing it is not up to him to wipe her back dry and lie on her bed while she is in the en suite shower. I feel very uncomfortable typing this. I am also hoping Honeypie will reply. Many thanks Ps I am a mum of grown up children who bathed themselves by aged 11.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016):

Thank you for your replies. I am glad it is not just me thinking this. I think his daughter is attention seeking and he is being a weak parent and it is very inappropriate. Thanks Honey Pie, Wise Owl and No Nonsense Aiden.....

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntMaybe he feels like it is not a big deal, but you see it different as you are a woman. I really think you do need to talk to him about this AGAIN. Yes he is saying it is up to his daughter, and while it is great that she is comfortable around her father she does need to learn to dry herself at this age.

Talk to him again and simply say she is to old. All he needs to do is explain to her now that she is turning in to a teenager that she should be covering up her body and drying herself. Sitting on the bed is fine if she is covered up, but still am sure most girls this age will want some privacy.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (28 October 2016):

No, not right. I agree that you should be telling him to set the boundaries. He can’t just wait for her to stop asking him, he’s got to make it clear what is and is not appropriate. I am assuming in all this that she doesn’t have any kind of physical disability that requires assistance with washing and drying. I too would find this very uncomfortable and I think you would be doing both of them a favour if you made it clear to him just how uncomfortable you feel about this and how this is doing the girl absolutely no good at all.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 October 2016):

Honeypie agony auntAww, thanks! OP I will reply :)

I think you NEED to tell him that HE needs to be the adult here. HE needs to set boundaries and one of those is to STOP toweling her after a shower. Seriously that is borderline creepy. While I'm ALL for kids being OK with their bodies, I have 2 teen and one tween daughter, so I know how that goes.

I occasionally do wash my daughter's hair (and dye), but they are not in the nude. I'm not a prude, but I think having a little modesty is good for a teenager.

As for him lying on the bed while she showers in the en suite, well... if they have chats that way and there is a shower curtain I don't find it totally off the wall. I don't think MY husband would do this, but I have sat on the toilet (with the seat down) and talked through the shower curtain to one of the girls. At their request. But I think there is a difference there in the whole gender thing.

I don't think he NEEDS to teach her modesty, but he needs to teach her boundaries and that she has reached an age where she ought to be self-sufficient when it comes to showers.

(unless she has a handicap? and can't do it herself? ) that is really the only time I would think it's OK for a dad to do this.

So my advice, talk to him.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (28 October 2016):

He knows better. She's far too old for daddy to be seeing her undressed. It's your duty to inform him so and tell him straight-out that you are very much uncomfortable with it.

This has nothing to do with parenting! You're a parent, offer him your advice.

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