A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I am in a great relationship right now and have been for almost 7 months now. We get along great and love each other dearly, and it is very happy relationship. However, we recently came to a rather large bump in the road, and I don't think it is such a common problem. I am against drinking to the fullest extent, I had a very traumatic experience earlier in my life that involved an immediate family member passing away as a direct result of alcohol, and that's as far as I will go into that. The problem is that my significant other isn't against it. She isn't a heavy drinker by any means, she doesn't drink all that often. But the main part is that she is open to it and tells me that she will start to drink normally when she turns 21 (in about a year). A huge factor for her drinking is her sorority and peer pressure. I asked her and she said that about 60% of the time she doesn't want to but does just to fit in. Now I don't want to hear "well that shouldn't bother you" because I have a mental scar that causes me to feel almost physically hurt when she drinks. She knows how it affects me and how it really hurts me, but she insists on drinking. When I ask her why she wants to drink, she never gives me a reason except, "it shouldn't bother you" or "i shouldn't need a reason to drink." Hey, if I was a normal guy, yeah that would be right, but she knows about my experience and how much it hurts me, but she continues to drink. Well tonight we talked about our long-term outlooks. And I had to be honest and tell her that so far I'd like to spend a long time with her, except I don't think I can mentally deal with alcohol in the long run. So after about 4 hours of talking, she said she would think about giving it up forever, or at least until I am able to accept it, which may not be ever. I just feel like without a solid reason for her to start regularly drinking, and her knowing how much it hurts me, it makes me feel like she might not care about me as much as I think. So again, she is thinking about it, so it means a lot to me that she is considering it. And I would appreciate if you didn't give your personal feelings on drinking and how it is alright, because I have been battling this for many years and even visit a therapist to help overcome it, so I am trying to work on it as well, and not just commanding her to meet my own needs. The Main Question: What if she doesn't give it up, does that show she just wants me to deal with it, and then the relationship lies in my hands?
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (4 August 2008):
 What about a compromise. SHe can drink in moderation say one or two glasses of wine or even none at all when you are out together but if she is out on her own then its up to her x
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (4 August 2008):
Well I can see both sides.
So it really is up to you. You can stay with her and try and hope she stops drinking and then does not resent you for stopping her having fun and fitting in.
Or you can split up.
I can't tell you which way to go because I am just a voice on the internet.
Could you possibly compromise? Could she agree not to drink when you are not around and you agree not to be around all the time so she can have girly nights and drink then?
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (4 August 2008):
 Hi
I am very anti drugs. If i met a guy whilst out and he said he did them, i would not meet him again.
I wouldn't date someone that doesn't work unless its health reasons, or someone that cheats the system and works on the sly, if someone i met was like that, i wouldn't date them.
When we meet people, we date a few times, see what we think of them, if we have anything in common etc etc. If she does something you dont like, and she isn't keen on stopping, then you decide if you can accept that part, or that this relationship wont work. We shouldn't try to change people to what we want, we should be choosing to be with people we have things in commo with to start with.
Thats all i can say really.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, soulcal +, writes (4 August 2008):
 i think you are scared the same will happen to her. it wont if she drinks normally try not to be as paraniod but just say to her can you cut it down a bit as i am worried the same will happen to you. it is normall for everyone to drink. my mum drinks every night 2-4 glasses of wine and sometimes she might drink something in the day if we go to the pub and it hasnt affected her. my uncle used to drink as soon as he got up in the morning untill he went asleep at night he had a fit and had to go hospital but thats it hes fine now and nothing will happen to your girlfreind done worry
i hope this helps x
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