A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,Hope someone can give me some advice.I was with my live in boyfriend for a year and a half. For the most part it was wonderful (we were inseparable) but when we got in arguments they were intense and I would find myself saying mean things just to hurt my bf. he warned me before he couldn't take the hurtful words but I begged him and said I would stop so he stayed with me. Our last argument occurred about a month and a half ago and he broke up with me the next day. He said he was scarred from all the words I said and couldn't do it anymore. He moved out the following week. I was nothing but supportive and helped him move, etc.Even though I wish I didn't I begged and pleaded for him back for the last month, I did not realize what I had till it was gone and I would never say those hurtful words knowing how much they hurt him. I thought I was making headway last week but after he came over for dinner he said he is calloused and he just doesn't see us as compatible. I am very confused because the week before he told me to just give him some time to pick himself up and then we can give it a try. Now this week he is saying he can't do it. What caused this change of heart in a few days?Did he say this because I'm moving things along to fast and he feel pressured or did he really make up his mind that he will never want to be with me again? I have started no contact and have not talked to him in 4 days. Do you think this will make him change his mind? He still says he loves me and that he "wouldn't rule out being with me in the long term" Will time heal all this wounds my hurtful words caused him?I really want a second chance, for nothing more then to show him I can be loving and respectfulAny help on this is appreciated, I feel lost
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 July 2013):
 " Now this week he is saying he can't do it. What caused this change of heart in a few days?"
There was no change. This is how he's felt all along. He just said you needed to give him time to get you off his back, to keep you at arms length. Probably because you don't take no for an answer, nor respect his decision.
You don't get someone back by nagging on them, or begging them, pleading, calling, texting, always being on their back and on the case. That's how you push someone away. If you want him back then clean up your mess. You were given several chances, but didn't care to improve then. Now you need to make changes with yourself. For YOUR sake, not his. Because every boyfriend you ever have will feel this way about you, if you resort to name calling and hurtful words to intentionally hurt them. That is unhealthy behaviour, and no relationship you ever have will survive it. You will also just be left feeling resentment for yourself, and a lack of respect for yourself. So change. For your sake.
Then, once you've changed, you can try to talk to him again. As friends. Don't push for anything. Tell him you are sorry. Tell him you do love him and want him, if you still do by then. Leave the door open, and see if he WILLINGLY out of his own FREE WILL comes back. But harassing him into coming back to you is just as unhealthy and poisonous as your evil words in arguments.
"Will time heal all this wounds my hurtful words caused him?"
The problem isn't the wounds you've caused. The reason he left is that you will CONTINUE to cause him pain. And he's right, you would have continued. You did continue even though he warned you he couldn't take it any longer. You had your second chance, why didn't you take it? You didn't think he was important enough then... so why would he be important enough now? Nothing has changed, you haven't changed, and he hasn't changed. So what makes you think you would suddenly be more respectful of him? I doubt you would be. And he doubts it too, which is why he isn't too eager to get back together with you. Realize that this isn't punishment. This is consequence. If you want things to change then YOU need to change. And you need to change BEFORE you can ask for him to come back. What you are currently offering is this "I know I'm an idiot that hurt you intentionally, and I will try to not do it again, but I probably will. But you are welcome to come back and take a third chance, even thought I promised to change in the past and didn't. But why don't you try your luck, pretty please?"
Does that sound promising to you? No? Then do something about it rather than use fancy words with no meaning. Action speaks louder than words. Make the changes now, before even attempting to get back with him. Take active steps to change, so he has something to trust. For example you can enter therapy for anger management. Or counseling. Or take some classes, read some books about anger management. Start meditating, or yoga, or whatever you think will help you change. Show him respect in every time you meet and talk. Start NOW.
"I really want a second chance, for nothing more then to show him I can be loving and respectful"
If it was that easy for you to be loving and respectful then why weren't you? Reason being: it's not that simple for you. You don't have the proper adult control over your emotions. If you could control it you'd have been respectful and loving already. Don't trick yourself into thinking all it takes is you wanting to. Next time you get into an argument with him I'm 100% sure you'll snap at him and say mean things. What would stop you, if it didn't stop you before? Sort this out first. You can do it, but it takes work. Not just wishful thinking. It takes work and practice, and you need to land yourself in tons of arguments and learn to handle it IN THOSE SITUATIONS. Otherwise it's all just wishful thinking. Everyone can be loving when things are good, but how loving can you be when he's pissed you off and you're angry and mad at him? How do you love and respect him then? Think long and hard, can you honestly say you will NEVER say even ONE mean and hurtful word to him in anger ever again? And if you are convinced that you can, why did you do it then, knowing the consequence WAS to hurt him? You said it to intentionally hurt him, so you KNOW he got hurt. It's not something you suddenly realize. Think about it long and hard. This is what you need to sort out if you ever want a healthy relationship, with him or anyone else.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 July 2013):
 honestly, even though it's not what you want to hear, if i were in his shoes, i'd probably feel a sense of relief being away from the verbal abuse. he may wind up missing you and want to come back, but it truthfully sounds like the more he's away from you, the more he's realizing how damaging your words were to him emotionally, and he feels better and more level not being together.
you asked what could have happened in those few days to cause him to change his mind. well, people tend to come to realizations during seperation that they didn't see before. take yourself for example. being away from him has made you realize how much you miss him and how much you messed up and need to change your ways. him being away from you may have made him realize just how much damage your words have caused him and helped him to realize he's much more healthy and happy away from you.
i would keep doing what you're doing. you've let him know how you feel and that you want to reconcile and change. now the ball is in his court. if he doesn't come back, just learn from this and move on. this is how we learn in life. by making mistakes.
perhaps you two can be friends and he can over time learn to trust that you have changed by actually seeing your progress and witnessing it for himself.
best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): You have to be a strong woman and take your just desert. You now know the consequences of verbal abuse. You were warned, yet you didn't respect his feelings enough to care.
He didn't change his mind in a few days. It was a painful decision you forced him to make over time. He had the time to think and make the best choice for himself.
This is what we all must learn about effective arguing and controlling that temper. You can be abusive without knowing how deeply you are hurting someone. You can drive someone who loves you away.
Please leave him alone to get over you. You will need to stop all contact and initiate your healing process.
Every time you contact him, you add to his discomfort and force him to reject you. You remind him of all your hurtful words, and all the events that forced him to breakup with you. You also force him to reject you and to make you feel the sting of being pushed away again. Your persistence may even make him angry.
Stop it.
As an agony aunt who is now working through a breakup myself; I will advise you based on the circumstances of "your" breakup. You forced this situation upon yourself.
You are now a source of pain for someone else. So you need to allow the both of you to heal from a painful ending to your relationship. You are sorry too late.
Sending text messages, calling and begging for meetings, or demanding any communication isn't going to work. It will force him to painfully refuse you, over and over until he is forced to ignore you.
Advice telling you that there is a possibility to reconcile will only build up your hopes. That isn't fair to you. You need to end all contact to heal. To realize that what you've done may not be reversible; therefore, you work on getting over the breakup, and taking care of yourself.
Why should he want you back? You can be mean, and your anger runs so deep you can't stop yourself from saying things that are hurtful. You need time to work on that.
You can't quit overnight. You have anger management issues.
In weeks to come, your mind is going to play horrible games
with your feelings; as you go through withdrawal from the relationship. So prepare yourself for an emotional roller-coaster. It will make you say and do, foolish or desperate things. It's all human. Just control yourself.
Do not followup on his Facebook page, do not text message him, do not respond to HIS calls or messages. He will have relapses; because he misses you, not because he wants you back. Remember how it went the last time at dinner? Right?
You can't wear him down or reverse his decision. You'll only make him dig in his heels. He's getting advice too!
Rejection can happen over and over. Do not drunk text him, do not hang out where you'll run into him. It will be painful and awkward. His mind is made up, and you already know the reasons why. Respect his time to work on his feelings. He deserves his space, and so do you.
Spend time with your family and friends to get him off your mind. You will obsess and ruminate over him constantly. As I am doing about my ex; as I type this to you. However; I already have my getting over my ex process in full swing.
It's working!!! That's why I jumped on your post to help.
I am still in the process of recovery, and was where you are only a month ago. I have a lot more knowledge and experience about these things; so that works more to my personal advantage. Now I pass it on to you, my dear. I got dumped too. He wasn't ready for a long-term relationship.
He is going through middle-aged crisis. So be it. Not my problem. I will survive, and help others in the process.
Forgive yourself. He will, because he loves you. It doesn't mean he will take you back. Don't expect to be friends; because you really want him back as a boyfriend.
It will be hurtful to you to see him moving on and dating anyone else, if you remain a "so-called" friend. Former lovers rarely live happily in the "friend zone." It's better to work on getting over him, and maybe only then you can really be friends. That is, if he cares to be.
I will not say move on. That is calloused and trivializes the pain you are experiencing. I will say, do things you like to do. Seek love and TLC from your parents and closest friends. Chat with your siblings, if you have any.
Talk to Nana, grandparents are a fountain of good advice and comfort. Go to the gym, enjoy the summer, and give yourself time to grieve. Work on yourself like never before. Catch up on some neglected chores and things you really like to do. Read books about getting over breakups.
You are not a terrible person. You just made a serious mistake, and will more than make up for it. It opened your eyes to a problem you have, that requires attention.
You now know the error of your ways. You will get over this. It will be a long and painful journey. It never gets easy to breakup, you just learn what it takes to help yourself to get through it, and to survive.
You will be a better person when the right guy comes along.
It's not the end of your love life babe! It will be hard. It's not the first time you've broke up with someone, if you're over the age of 20.
You know what it's like, but you also know you survived the past breakup(s). Surviving doesn't mean forgetting.
So now you know there is hope for recovery, if not reconciliation.
In all honesty, reconciliation is unlikely. The odds are high against it. So keep that in mind and remain realistic. It's more sensible to get over him; than to wait in vain.
Work on getting over him as if there is no hope. That is the surest path to healing. False hope will keep you in painful limbo. Pining, suffering, obsessive, and needy.
Heal first. If he decides to come back, maybe you will not want him back. It happens. It's better to have a choice.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 July 2013):
 NO contact only works to get someone back if they want to come back.
he told you that your words hurt him and you did not stop with the hurtful words so he left. He is a man of his word.
what makes you think the next time you get scary mad that you won't resort to name calling and hurtful words again?
have you told him how you plan to manage your temper?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 July 2013):
No contact is a 50/50 chance that he may come back but if you completely ignore him he will somewhat move on easier. The thing is he sort of gave you a chance already. Even though he said he needed some time to pick up himself, he did get that time and determined that you are not right for him. It's not a change of heart, it is essentially making up one's mind. You'll just have to wait it out.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (3 July 2013):
 But he did give you a second chance when he wanted to break up and you did not stop. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and understand where those hurtful things you are saying is coming from.
No one can tell you for sure how to get him back. The no contact is really a good way for you to start to learn to accept its over and begging and grovelling is not going to bring him back as he sees you as desperate. You need to leave him alone and he has to realise fro himself whether you are worth giving another shot. Don't try friendship as you know that will be a lie as you really want him back.
You need to understand that you maybe sitting and waiting for him to come back which may not happen but he will consider dating someone else and that will be a blow to you when it does happen
You made the right move - no contact but I suspect you did it in hope that he misses you and come back, that may not work, so use the no contact as a tool to move on. I am not going to say its easy but it is possible and the longer you take to accept the situation the more hard its going to get to move on. Learn from your mistake and understand what drives you to say things that hurt people.
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