A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Our sex life is not normal, he watches porn (as he says rarely and not an addict). He has a huge porn collection of DVDs, webcam recordings, photos, downloaded porn. He went on a trip with his college friends and I found a receipt that he renewed webcam service for a year, and ordered another porn dvd in March. I raided his shelves which I never did before. And found 15 porn dvds, i guess creme de la creme since most of the stuff he keeps is on his computer locked behind a security password (I have no access to it, never did.) I threw away porn, called him and told him that since in 2 years he could not find the time to watch it with me than I am not OK with him watching it alone. Now that's it's gone we can start our own collection because we are married and I would not mind watching it with him. I also threw away about 30 photos of his ex-girlfriends that he took photos of because he does not keep a photo of me and he never takes my photos. I got jealous and I told him so thinking if it does not matter to him, it would not matter. I told him also that if he went through my stuff, I would not mind because I have nothing to hide. Of course, I would think he is crazy but at least I've not given him reasons to do so. He has given me plenty of reasons to mistrust him. That porn dvd he ordered I don't care about. What I care is that something has been affecting our sex life/his lack of interest in sex with me although he remains to be a sexual person, watching porn and masturbating. After I told him on the phone what I did is because I got jealous because I found the receipt and our not normal sex. He got very mad and said that I am insecure. (I am secure that is why I am trying to find out the truth at all cost because I am not willing to put up with a sex addict (his thing is porn and webcam). By the way for those who are not familiar with sex addiction, it's very common for a sex addict to lose sexual interest in their sex partner. (I am sexy, thin, sexually open, would love to watch porn with him, all that good stuff) . I do believe I am becoming a codependent partner because due to the lack of love/ sex I increasingly think only about this very problem and him which hurts me a lot. I am resentful and angry. They say that codependent partners are afraid to let their feelings be known. I still hope I have a good self-esteem and trying to remain sane so I told him how his watching porn makes me feel (like I am no2, that girl on webcam is no1). He said nothing in that regard but keeps insisting that he is not an addict because he knows what addiction is. Since we've been together he quit drinking. And for that same reason I know that he is capable of lying, covering things up and when he says he is not addicted I doubt him. The reason why because he has a pattern when he watches porn is when I am not at home or in bed asleep and never in my presence, he has a pattern of ordering porn dvds without my knowledge and hides them when they are in the house. Anyway, I called him and told him that I threw away his 15 porn dvds and the photos of his ex-girlfriends and he said he wants a divorce. What should I do? Should I prepare myself for the inevitable, how? I would like him to at least say that somehow he contributed too to my "strange" behavior. And then at least we can stop healing... Anyway, he is coming back on MON, and I am not sure whether to pack, leave, stay. But if I stay, what can we do? We talked about this (i did most of the talking for way too long.) I need your help especially if you were in the same situation. Thank you.
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divorce, ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, jealous, porn, sex addict, sex life Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  +, writes (20 August 2008):
 Hi,
Firstly i don't agree porn is harmless look at what it is doing to your relationship now!!
Mines started to look at porn and later went to use brothels as the porn was no longer doing it for him!!
Porn is dangerous i would never have dvd's of porn in my home i have 3 kids they are grown up now but i would never have had any of that in my home it is not morally correct to have such material that other people could be subjected too and i am assuming you don't have kids if you did would he still use porn?
If you are in a reltionship/marriage does this stuff really have any place in it?
I think he is very selfish and seems to be shrugging his responsibilties from viewing porn as harmless fun but in reality it is starting to spill into your relationship already you say you feel like no2 that's what porn does they lose interest in their wives/partners because they get the fantasy figure into their head and want all women to act like the plastic people who star in these porn films.It is an illness Sex Addiction and he needs help.
My husband is a recovering sex addict and it is not an easy addiction to give up it is an illness and one that has to be treated professionally he has to seek help as i feel it is taking over his life to tell you he wanted a divorce for throwing out his dvd's is so childish and self centred he really needs to wake up here and smell the coffee already he is living in FANTASY WORLD!!
If he is not prepared to quit all this for you and to make an effort to sort himself out then i think you may have to question where this is going for you!
On the other hand if he truly loves you admits he has a problem with porn and seeks help because no matter what he does'nt want to lose you then i think you have a chance here but he has got to want to change yes it is easy as co-addicts to try and change/control them but long term that won't work iv'e been there done that believe me it has to be them that wants to change.
I hope he sees reason here and at least tries before he loses the most precious thing he has ever had YOU!!!
Ginalolabridga
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): Is it possible you contributed to his behavior? At this point, with the lack of quality communication, and not really having a right to take the actions you did without first talking to him and both reaching a mutual agreement, you should tell him you were wrong by your actions and want to repay him for the cost of the things thrown out.
Then ask for a second chance, and also include that you wish ether counseling together, or both of you make an effort to discuss the issues in a civil manner and get to know each other better and determine whether both of your needs are being met.
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (28 April 2008):
I agree with the female reader that says he is selfish - I would prepare for the inevitable - You are better than this - You have tried to talk to him about it before, he is crushing your self-esteem but what worries me most is that he has no pics of you but plenty of the x's - Not Right in any relationship - He has NO respect for you or your feelings - Luckily you have been married only two years to this abuser - Be strong - hold your ground - You do not have "Strange" behavior - he is trying to throw it back on you - If I was in your situation and I did all the talking for way too long and he thru out stupidly that he wants a divorce - Get it done! He will never b respectful with you and if he is he will be gritting his teeth cause he will think YOU won - This man has LOSER - written all over him - You have been distrustful of him - WEBCAM service? What do you suppose he is doing with that? Yikes!
Yes, there is something better for you in the future - Dont go searching for love yet or soon after this settles - You want to take your time - I have found that if someone has one addiction they will have several or trade one for a new one - No matter - He is the OWNER of the addiction you cant make him see it - you cant cure him - Only HE can and he has been choosing NOT to and disregarding you two as a married couple! Please get in touch if you want to chat more - Be STRONG! If you can be there Monday and have a discussion about it and the consequences of his reaction to the throwing away of his junk - then be there - if you cannot without giving in - Give it a few days to check out facts and do some thinking for your plan then let him know what YOU are doing - I would not even consider couples therapy even if he suggests it - Addicts are addicts of some sort - very long process to get thru - Life goes fast - spend it with someone who cares about you and himself - Equal in a marriage - Again Good Luck -
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  + ♥, writes (27 April 2008):
 You been married for two years?
Even if it is a bit short, getting divorced over this seems a bit extreme.
You keep saying the ain't normal but what is abnormal about it or is it just that he doesn't want it often enough?
Your problem doesn't seem to be with the porn itself but that he chooses this over being with you? Understandable but then that is the issue you got to focus on. Why exactly does he seem to prefer porn over a real woman to the point that he is even willing to ask for a divorce because you threw away a dozen dvd's?
He needs to sort out his problem, what it is I can't say, that is for a shrink to figure out, but unless he confronts the fact that he prefers porn over sex he is going to end up with a lot of broken relationships because few women will accept this.
If you want you can try counseling but he is the one who has to want to change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): Well to begin with, your husband soudns very selfish and that his porn meens more to him then what you do. I would have done the same thing, its not normal and if he loves you he would understand why you are upset and insecure.. but sounds like his ex girlfriends and the other naked women come first in his life, dont stand for it and dont go back on it. It's your right as his wife to do what you did and if he wants to leave you over this, as hard as i guess it would be, then you are better of without him. You sound like a nice and attractive women, I'm sure men will fall at your feet while your husband dont want anything to do with you...Just be strong and remember, you did the right thing!
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