A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do anymore.I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years now. He is 25 and I am 26. Our relationship was long-distance for about eight months before he moved across the country to be with me. Everything about our relationship in the beginning was seemingly perfect. We were so in love and couldn't wait to be together.Once he finally moved out here things were a little rocky. We had a couple issues with him going out and not really communicating with me about where he was or who he was with, but we moved past that. About a year into our relationship I found out he had been texting/chatting/sending photos to and receiving photos from girls online and had been throughout our relationship. He was even registered on a couple dating websites as Single. When I confronted him the first time, he promised everything would be deleted.Fast forward three months of happiness and getting back on track.. I found out that he was still continuing to chat/text/flirt with girls online. I was devastated. He broke down and said that he would do anything to earn my trust back, and he did.For this past nine months, I've had access to his phone, his e-mail, his laptop, etc. He hasn't gone out in ages and doesn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship. It's helped a lot, but I was still extremely hesitant to trust him, and we fought constantly because my paranoia was too much to handle at times. But we agreed to keep trying and get better.Well, about two weeks ago he confessed he was on antidepressants due to the stress he was feeling with us. One day I looked through his bag to find out what medication he was on (I was on three types of anti-depressants when I lived in Seattle, WA due to the weather) and to see what the dangers/side affects were, as he's confessed he hates putting things like that in his body. Instead, I came across medication for Herpes.It honestly didn't sink in right away what I had just discovered, but I confronted him. He began sobbing uncontrollably, apologizing profusely, and saying that he would do absolutely anything not to lose me. He had apparently had it for three years and had gotten it from his ex, but never once told me even though I had asked and had shown odd symptoms that I neglected to get checked because I thought I'd never been exposed to anything. I hate how wrong I was..It's now been a week since I found out about it, and found out two days ago that I, in fact, now have Herpes. I feel so unbelievably betrayed and hurt and.. Almost numb to everything. I love this guy more than life itself, but I don't know what to do anymore. I've done absolutely nothing to deserve any of the pain he's caused. I know he loves me, and I know he'd do anything for me, but how to I forgive him for this? For everything? I hate how I feel. I hate what he's done in this past year. I don't know what else to try. I cry every day and don't know how to smile anymore. I want to work this out and figure out a way to be happy again, but I just don't know how.Someone please help me..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): I want to start out by saying that it's important to remember that you love the person he may have PRETENDED to be: a loving, caring boyfriend. You do not love the person he ACTUALLY IS: someone who has cheated, lied, and caused you harm by affecting your health. It is easy to get wrapped up in the good memories you might have, but don't forget the reality.Also, think for a second: what if it hadn't been Herpes? Yes, your diagnosis is extremely serious, but imagine if he'd had HIV and just didn't reveal it to you so he could, as another poster accurately put it, keep having sex with you? What then? What's to stop this from happening in the future?You do not love the reality of him. The reality is that he has likely been cheating on you your entire relationship and contracted Herpes (and who knows what else - be smart and get a full STD panel test) and passed it on to you, lied to you, and gave you a life-altering, incurable disease so that he could keep using you. Wow. That's the reality. That person is dangerous to you in many ways and you need to get out now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): I have to ask you and make you think, do you really love him or do you love the idea of him and a relationship? Is it too scary for you to leave him after such a long relationship? Are you scared to be on your own and start over with someone new? Are you scared the few good things about him won't be found with anyone else so you need to put up with all of the rest? Is he your only serious relationship and you think this is how it is and what you go through if you truly love someone?He is not the only man on earth for you. There is someone else out there who would never do this to you. I promise you. This is not love. It appears to be because of the crying and emotion and feelings, but it isn't love. Love is honest, love is kind, love is respect, love is happy. This is drama, emotion, and fear- on both of your sides. You are trying to force something that will never happen, you will never be happy with him and you will never trust him. And none of that is your fault. You will be fine on your own, you can and will meet someone better for you. You should see a counselor to find out why you dealt with so much for so long. And you need to work on loving yourself, because right now you really don't. You won't be happy and in a good relationship until you truly love and respect yourself. So be strong. You're young, you can bounce back from this, you can be happy. He is not your life and doesn't have to be, you can do whatever you want. He doesn't deserve you and I hope you will be able to honestly believe that and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): When you say he moved across the country to be with you what situation did he move from and to?
I just want to check, for example, whether he had a good job that he gave up to be with you and whether he had his own apartment and moved to his own apartment?
Or was he in a bad job or no job with bad living conditions too?
I just want to rule out the possibility that he's moved in with you in order to make life easier for him...can you let us know about this please, because it would make a big difference to the situation...
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (12 February 2015):
 The guy is a complete idiot. He has repeatedly lied and betrayed you, and yet you love him more than life itself?
He's trampled all over your happiness, your confidence and your health.
End this damaging relationship now.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 February 2015):
 I was reading your post and thinking how much you;ve been wronged until you said, "I love this guy more than life itself, but I don't know what to do anymore. I know he loves me, and I know he'd do anything for me"
OP you're living in serious denial if this is what you think at the end of all this, that's all I can tell you. You have a very romanticized notion of your relationship in your head and you cant bear the thought of this guy doing anything wrong when in fact, he's done everything wrong that he possibly could.
Tell me OP, can it really get worse? He's cheated on you given you herpes, hurt and betrayed you on so many levels. You still love him? If you think you do, then you're in denial. Just start to accept that this supposedly perfect guy is a big f*ing mess and has put you in an even bigger mess. Get out of it while you can and retain your sanity.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2015):
 So he's lied to you
He's cheated on you
He makes you cry daily and yet you "love this guy"
really?
what about him do you love? the fact that he can lie to you?
the fact that he infected you with HERPES which is a life long issue now (manageable but still upsetting and scary)
IF you want to be happy you need to figure out what you need to be happy
Do you really think you can be happy with a man who has lied to you, cheated on you, infected you, and manipulated you to the point that you think this is an acceptable relationship?
lets do the list thing
get a piece of paper draw a line down the middle
on the left label it "PROS" on the right "CONS"
now on the left side list all of the GOOD things about him.
He has pretty eyes counts as a good thing. DO NOT list the things YOU WANT him to be.... if he is not attentive then do not list it. LIST only true factual things that are positive.
then list all the bad things on the right side
(let me get you started)
he lies
he cheats
he is inconsiderate (he did not consider you in his need to get laid)
he is selfish (he didn't tell you about the Herpes because he didn't want to lose you or lose his ability to have sex)
After you have written all the GOOD things about him and all the BAD things about him (and the relationship) then you can make a decision to stay or go.
IF you stay you must NOT punish him for what he has done to you. IF you stay you have to forgive him and move forward.
I am hopping you are strong enough to see that leaving in is your best interest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): Now you have the proof that he is a habitual liar. Leave him before he gives you another std.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): Wow, you poor thing. Sending you a massive virtual hug. Unfortunately it really does sound as if, right from the start, he has been hiding stuff from you and "mis-selling" himself. I've been through something similar and the hard truth is, he doesn't love you. He has lied, cheated, picked up an STD and passed it onto you - knowingly passed it on to you from the sounds of it. He had the medication so he knew he had it.I know you feel as if you love him, but if it's not reciprocated, what's the point? He has zero respect for you and you can't trust him. I had to ask myself, "what is there to love?". My ex was good in bed (probably as he plenty of pratice), a great cook and talked the talk, but he had more faces than I've had hot dinners. You need to ask yourself the same question. He does not love you, he does not respect you. You are so young and you have the rest of your life ahead of you. This scumbag is excess baggage. I suggest you tell him to leave and then start your emotional healing process with the support of family, friends and a counsellor if needs be. NEVER put up with a man who lies, cheats, promises he will change and then simply hides it better. This man will NOT make you happy, ever. He is clearly incapable of being monogamous, honest or kind. Wave him goodbye and let him go. Oh.. and if you have access to the emails/contact details of the women he has been cheating with, they may need to know he has herpes, as no doubt he has been hiding it from them too... at least the one(s) he didn't pick it up from.NEVER settle for a cheat or disrespect on this scale. The man isn't even throwing you crumbs and sees you as doormat.Sending you love and strength.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): Sayyyy whaaaaat???This guy REPEATEDLY cheated/manipulated you and you forgave him every SINGLE time? To the point where you've put your OWN HEALTH and FUTURE at risk (because of HIM)?He only ADMITS the truth if there's literally NO OTHER WAY to throw sand in your eyes!!! I mean he tried to guilt you into going out/partying/(sorry most likely cheating) with other girls by telling you he is taking medication because of how bad you make HIM feel?If he feels that bad with you-why doesn't he leave?Why does he keep begging you to take him back again,and again and again ad infinutum? Coz NO OTHER WOMAN will take this crap!I sincerely hope you'll break out of this 7th circle of hell...He didn't even have the courtesy to warn you in advance so that you can get checked and treated for the disease? IF you hadn't found those pills- do you think of WHAT could have happened? He WOULD have rather watch you WASTE away before his eyes rather than tell you the truth!!!Think about that for a minute!! He would have let you SUFFER from HERPES and go untreated,all the while GUILTING you into believing he was the one suffering(i.e the "depression")!! I've heard it all now! The cheek of this guy! And the selfishness!! And the UTTER, UTTER DISREGARD FOR YOUR WELLBEING!!!I'm truly shocked and lost for words...And I'm sorry but him getting the herpes from an ex 3 years ago-NOT BUYING IT! Not buying a SINGLE WORD of it-he is already proven time and time again that he is capable of having emotional affairs.The physical affair is only one step away from that and is a step I bet he took way too willingly...BUT YOU KNOW WHAT SHOCKS ME EVEN MORE THAN HIS DISGUSTING BEHAVIOUR,dear OP? You WANT to FORGIVE HIM? WHYYYYY?WHY ON EARTH? I mean com'on,seriously, give me one good reason!! What has he done to EARN YOUR LOVE?? (ps: he is already shown that he is NOT "earning your trust"-he's just placating you,so that he can get what he wants. And when placating you no longer worked, that's when he tried to guilt you into getting what he wants. Thankfully for you his manipulative behaviour finally backfired and you found out the truth)And after ALL OF THIS you still want him? That saddens me beyond belief. Something/somebody in the past must have truly broken you and distorted your idea of a "healthy relationship". Coz you most certainly are not in one of those...Please figure out why you allowed this to happen, why you believed all the lies, why you forgave when it was beyond forgiveness and don't let anyone treat you like a dirty,used tissue ever again!Be strong!Hoping that you'll see the light,Lady Chatterley
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