A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. Me and my bf have been going through a tough time lately, my behaviour has not been great and I have been suffering from anxiety and depression which I am trying to deal with by going to therapy. Anyway, last Friday I did something really stupid – he’d been out on a night out drinking with his colleagues and when he got back and was asleep, I checked his phone. The only thing I found that worried me was an indication that an ex ‘f**k buddy’ had sent him a text at 4am last year. The text had been deleted so I don’t know what it said. I asked him about this and why she had text him, and he said ‘probably to see how I was.’ I don’t think he cheated on me because when I asked him if anything had happened between them he said ‘I cant believe you are asking me that.’Anyway my problem is that he is FURIOUS that I checked his phone. We’ve been together over a year and it’s the first time I’ve done something like that. I think he wants to split up over it. My question is, how can I make it up to him? he’s suggested that we don’t see eachother for a while which is okay by me but I wonder what your thoughts are on this? Can we recover from this, and is there anything I can do to make things better? I know it was wrong and it wont happen again. I’m trying to change I really am. I think I’ve always been quite an insecure person. Is there anything I can do that may help this problem of insecurity I might have? Thanks for reading.
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cheated on me, insecure, split up, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): If he was not guilty about something he probably wouldn't react so defensively. He could be cheating or he could like the idea that he can stay in touch with old gf as a backup or a virtual fantasy, but texting is not so virtual as it can lead to more. Some degree of privacy in a relationship is good. I don't think we should be constantly checking everything our partner does, however I don't think what you did was the end of the world. Some men actually want their gf to monitor them on this type of thing and privacy on communication with x gf and so on is not a good idea.
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 "had sent him a text at 4am last year." "I asked him about this and why she had text him, and he said ‘probably to see how I was.’ I don’t think he cheated on me because when I asked him if anything had happened between them he said ‘I cant believe you are asking me that.’" I would say the exact same thing, "‘f**k buddy" or not.
"Anyway my problem is that he is FURIOUS that I checked his phone. We’ve been together over a year and it’s the first time I’ve done something like that. I think he wants to split up over it." I would already be gone.
"Is there anything I can do that may help this problem of insecurity I might have?" Just being around him and show him in person you are not jealous or suspicious. A rule I go by is if someone accuses me of 'cheating' (I don't cheat) I think they're cheating on me and I act accordingly, I leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): Hi. I'm the OP. I am confused. Some of you are saying that he is up to something others are saying that it is my insecurity?? I don't know what to think.
I can't imagine why he would cheat on me but finding this text has planted a seed. Thing is I can't confront him about it as things are too fraught at the moment between us because I snooped his phone.
I remember the night in question, when she text at 4am. I was out in town with friends until the early hours and he was working that weekend. There is even a part of me now that wonders if he was lying about that!? No, I'm being crazy now.
I initially checked the phone as I was drunk and have been feeling bad about myself and very insecure. He's done nothing wrong.
Like I said before, when I asked him if anything had happened with this girl he said 'I can't believe you are asking me that.' He didn't act suspiciously and we saw her in a club and he acted normal and didnt want to leave or anything.
I am confused though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): i disagree with the first two posters. there should be NO privacy in a relationship !!. you should be honest and straightforward with each other at all times. if not, how can you trust each other ?. if my boyfriend received a text from an ex f buddy, i would damn well want him to tell me about it !!. if you dont be honest with the person you are with, it looks like you have something to hide. if there's nothing to hide, whats wrong with snooping through a phone, emails, e.t.c ?. i recently snooped through my boyfriends facebook ( i figured out his password ), as i was worried incase he was still flirting with other women. he used to flirt with them a lot , which i know, as i saw the private messages and comments he left to them a couple of years ago. he said they were only friends, but i find it hard to believe that there were no other intentions behind it, especially as he used to fancy them. i was accused of being a " psycho " when my boyfriend found out what i did, but what men dont seem to realise is that they are the ones who make us insecure and anxious in the first place !!. i also suffer from anxiety and depression, so to be called a " psycho " was very hurtful. you did the right thing looking through his phone. i agree that he should be working through why you are insecure with you, not getting mad at you. i hope everything turns out ok for you hun and good luck !!.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): Er, okay, both really harsh answers! And I would like to comment on both of them. To the female poster - I personally would not end a relationship if someone checked my phone, and would rather help them work through their insecurities and ask 'why' they felt the need to do that. But thats just me, maybe I am more tollerant than some. I forgot to mention that I was drunk when I did it and it was an irrational moment. I'm interested that one of you thinks the text I found was no big deal whereas the other thinks he is up to something! Isn't it interesting how people's different personalities think different things. To be honest I don't think he has cheated with me with this girl. I think she may still like him but we have seen her in town togther when we have been out and he didnt act suspiciously at all. I remember the weekend in question and he was working and I just doubt it too much that he cheated on me. It is odd that she sent a text at 4am but I am going to have to let it go as I was in the wrong for looking, and that is the problem at the moment.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): Well, I agree with charitysend: if you can't trust him, don't be with him. People often say "I've nothing to hide", but that's not the point. Privacy is privacy. If you trust him, don't read his texts. If you don't trust him, move on. I've been in a relationship with a very jealous girl for some years. She's much better now, but still, I still have an underlying feeling that I'm not trusted... and that goes back several years. I fear that you might have planted this seed in his mind and it's not going to be easy to recover from that.As to what to do, firstly, explain that you were just crazy because you love him to bits etc. Then make it clear that you trust him... by demonstrating your trust. Most important though, work on your insecurity. You sound like an intelligent, decent girl, and that's worth a lot. You should be above all this. If he's not totally in to you, then f**k him! You're better than that! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CW1111  +, writes (1 March 2011):
I would have to say that it seems like he is hiding something. Granted, it isn't the greatest thing to check someone's phone, I wouldn't. But, since you felt something was up, you were in the right. He is overreacting which means he is hiding something. I'd figure out what he is hiding, and depending what it is, split or don't split.
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A
female
reader, charitysend +, writes (1 March 2011):
You crossed the line. Not only that, you let him know that you crossed the line. That was straight up stupid. And then you made a big deal about a text that was sent a year ago.
It's up to the two of you as to whether you can recover or not. He's mad, and rightly so. Honestly, I'd break up with someone who read my email and checked my phone messages, because I feel like, "If you can't trust me, then it's best you move on."
Insecurity can be overcome by realizing that you are a child of the divine. Meditation has helped me a lot in developing inner strength and security.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): by the sound of it i think he is up to something. you got a bad reaction because he has something hidden. you invade privacy only when there is something private,meaning YOU are not supposed to see it. i think you would be better splitting. theres no room for this privacy in a relationship.
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