A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I cheated on my wife 14 years ago. I didn't have an affair. It was just one day in a motel room with an ex-girlfriend. I felt terrible about it even as it was happening. My wife does suspect something may have happened. In fact, I think she suspects more happened than actually did. However, I have no way to be sure. Should I tell her what happened? In particular, I couldn't go through with it (couldn't finish) and have never seen my ex since. I am not especially wracked with guilt. I just want to know if honesty is the best policy or if I should just continue to deny, deny, deny. If she cheated on me I think I would want to know.
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (25 September 2011):
 whether to tell her or not depends on whether she is still questioning you about it now and you are lying to her and making her think she is crazy, OR as it is a long time in the past, are you thinking of just bringing the subject up? when last did she ask you about it? i am sure you are sorry for what you did and you will not want to put yourself in a guilty situation again, but the worst thing is that you have lied and maybe had her convinced that her mistrust was all in her mind. i think if you do own up she will hate you more for that than the actual cheating.
honesty is the best, but also can be the most hurtful! it is up to you what you do with your secret. your marriage will be in a mess if you fess up, you must know that
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (21 September 2011):
 There are valid moral arguments to be made for and against telling your wife.
One the one hand, witholding information which would influence her choices in the future is unfair. On the other, getting this off your chest plants it squarely on to hers. Unburdening yourself would relieve you but cause her pain.
What tips the scales in favour of the the former is the fact that she already suspects and she thinks it's worse than it is. That means she isn't exactly pain free now and trust has already been compromised.
It might be best to come clean.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): You have a choice. Apparently you are lying to her from what you write.Continue to lie to your wife, every single day, for the rest of your life, and let her think all sorts of things about what really happened...OrTell her the truth, accept the horrible consequences of that truth, and be a man for the first time in 14 years...Honestly, you have to live with this, but something is wrong in your marriage "should just continue to deny, deny, deny" means that this is an issue.Horrible consequences of telling the truth...let me tell you it is absolutely terrible, even that long later. My wife lied for 10 years about her affair, and I wasn't even asking and had accepted her story from the time of the affair, which was brief, but the lies piled upon lies upon lies. Because, you have to live that lie every day. Our marriage was coming to an end because of intimacy issues, and I thought it was me. You have no idea what your wife is going through internally, because you are lying to her and there cannot be an honest open conversation about your relationship when you are lying to her.When you tell the truth, then you will find out what she has gone through, eventually, if she doesn't leave you immediately, and you will feel guilt, shame, and it will be full force as if it was yesterday.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): So far you have 9 NO and 5 YES. I'd follow the majority. But only you can determine if you should tell her. Guilt fades and trust can be rebuilt, so eihter way there is hope. I had a fortune cookie yesterday that read "God can mend a broken heart, but He needs all the pieces". Ask yourself if the burden on your heart is worth spreading the heartache to both of you...and if all the pieces are there for God to mend. If not, you should bear the burden yourself, learn from it, and do the mending from within.There have been many people on this site who found out about past partners...sometimes BEFORE they were married, and it caused such a rash of retractive jealousy that it ruined marriages anyway. Just consider that what you say could change things forever. WHat you dont say probably wont.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): No, don't tell her. It's been 14 years, you're clearly committed to her, and it would only cause huge pain. I agree with the anonymous poster, who says that you'd only be confessing in order to absolve yourself of the guilt and feel better, but that you'd be achieving that by making someone else feel worse. That's good advice - it clearly comes from someone who recognizes the complexities and nuances of the morality of this situation. If you were constantly tempted, or always cheating, it would be different. But this was a one-time mistake and it's time to forgive yourself, commit to your marriage, and move on together into a happy life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): Yes, definitely. Looks like your moral compass could use some calibration.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): If you were wracked with guilt, or if this was a recurring thing, I'd say there was a serious problem and you should condfess. But at this point, you would be doing nothing but attempting to cleanse yourself by unloading the guilt you have left onto her. THat is not only a bad idea under the circumstances, but also as selfish as the night 14 years ago.
I suggest you consider the remaining guilt and doubt as your punishment in a way, bear the burden, and spare her feelings and possibly your marriage. It was a lesson learned, you realized even during the act it was wrong and you stopped. Even though I think she'd forgive you, do you want to chance it? Besides, I'm not sure waiting 14 years to tell her will be good in and of itself. If she feels the past 14 years were a lie, you're doomed. The time may compound the problem in her mind. But if left alone, time will fade the memory for you, and it will feel like a "life lesson" many years from now.
If you do tell her, accept whatever comes. Honor her and your dignity by being honest, sincere and accepting.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): You should tell her. If it was 14 years ago and this is STILL an issue that comes up in your marriage then you know that your wife is still being affected by it whether you tell the truth or not.
if there's any hope to really move forward, you have to tell her the truth, yes it will cause pain, but then you work through that pain together as a couple no matter how many years it takes. That's how you lay this issue to rest (unless you split up and are no longer together then it's a moot point.)
the more you hold back and deny, the more her trust in you is fading. One day you'll wake up and find that your wife has left you for "no reason" or maybe you'll find she went out and had an affair because she figured you already did.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (18 September 2011):
 No. Don't tell her. You will create a sadness in her and it will hurt her. Let this go and don't assuage guilt for yourself to hurt her. It will hurt her and its not fair. Let it go now.
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (18 September 2011):
14 years is a long time to hold on to this. As your wife suspects something went on, you know that she can not be fully open with you in her trust for you. You're relationship at the moment is only superficial, it's based on a lie.
For you two to grow in your relationship, I would say you should confess all.
However that said, I don't know how she will respond. The taking months/years to forgive you would be ok, but if she was to react very badly, such as cheating oh you also, or ending the marriage, then perhaps you shouldn't tell her. I guess it depends: if you were an old man, dying in your bed, would this be something you could die with?
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male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (18 September 2011):
 I suppose the answer would have to do with how badly this issue is festering in your marriage. If it's frequently mentioned, I could imagine sitting her down and hauling everything out. But to be honest, I don't think she'll believe you that you couldn't finish. So what she's going to think is that after 14 years the best you could do is a partial confession -- in other words, likely to make things worse rather than better.
Just something to consider.
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male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (18 September 2011):
 I understand both sides of the equation. If you want to keep your relationship you keep quiet and carry on. If you are riddled with guilt and need to tell for your own peace of mind then confess. There is no added value in pursuing either course, you have done the deed and that is the issue. I'm not saying you're wrong, stuff happens. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot. I don't think I'd want to know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): Well. I Think You should if you love her and dont wanna keep Secrets..But if you don't wanna ruin your marriage..Then i suggest you Don't..
My own opinin is that, i suggest you tell her n dont keep secrets. :D i hope i helped you.
KThnksBye.
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A
female
reader, butterfliesarefree +, writes (18 September 2011):
Keep quiet especially after all this time all you will be doing is hurting her. If it had happened last night that isn't the advice I'd give but 14 years is a long time I don't think any woman could get over that
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (18 September 2011):
 Hi,
Of couse, honesty is the best way, but I think that it has been too long ago, and if it's what you said? One night? Then, I would suggest to not tell your wife. This opinion, is totally against my morals, but I am confused?
Why do you want to confess about this cheating now, after 14 years?
You mentioned your wife suspects, asked you about it, and even think that more has happened than the actual truth? Are you saying she was acting suspicious 14 years ago, or does she still talks about it, and ask you now?
The answer depends on what's happening now in your relationship. If she hasn't brought it up about the subject anymore, and all this suspicions happened 14 years ago, then there's no need to tell her the truth, confess Why? If she has moved on, maybe even forgotten, why bring up the past, and hurt your wife? But, if this is something that she's still asks you? Then, yes , tell her the truth....
I hope you make the right decision, if you decide to tell her, be kind, gentle, and be responsible for your actions.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, spanishquerida +, writes (18 September 2011):
You say that if your wife cheated on you, you would want to know. Give her the same treatment. Tell her what happened, and be as honest as you can. Tell her.
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A
male
reader, xsemenelinx  +, writes (18 September 2011):
 sometimes its better not to know.. What you dont know wont hurt... if you feel sorry and guilty.. dont do it again... if it is persistent. then we got a problem... what can i say is simple... pray to God that the guilt will be ousted.. in that way you dont have to worry about the burdens... been there done that brother..
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