A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 35 year old single female. I grew up in an abusive family that I just wanted escape. I ended "escaping" by moving in with a guy 9 years older than me right out of college. He was only about the fifth guy I ever dated and I was convinced no one else would want me. So now 15 years later I've finally broken up with the guy and I'm trying to save up to move out as well.About a year ago I met a guy on-line. At the time he was married with two kids but last spring his wife kicked him out and said she wanted a divorce (which was final in August). He's 31 years old. I think this guy is simply amazing and I love him a a person and as a friend. I've never met anyone that I feel that way about. He's told me he's interested in me and he cares about me deeply. Yesterday we met in person for the first time and our feelings towards each other haven't changed. The problem is he lives 8 hours away. He's always been great about telling me he wants and needs in a realtionship and one of those things is companionship, which I can't provide since I live so far away. Since he's lonely he's started dating a girl from church. This other girl has been "patiently waiting" for him to get a divorce for 7-8 years. She's 24 and is "saving herself" for marriage. His girls love her and so does the rest of his family. He spent months telling me she wasn't his type, he's not interested in her like that, and he's only friends with her because his girls are friends with her. Now he's dating her and I'm heartbroken. He told me his feeling for me haven't changed since he started dating her but it's simply a matter of she's there and I'm not. But she sounds so perfect I can't see them ever breaking up.I realize he can't move because of his girls. I could move to where he lives but I'm afraid to since I have little money (only about $5000 total) and I'd have no place to live out there and no job lined up. I'm also afraid that if I move out there and things don't work out that I'd be worse off than ever (emotionally and financially). I don't want to make a mistake and I don't want to lose him completely either. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): This is the OP. I'd like to thank you for the advice.
It's been really hard on me. I've been friends with this guy for a year and would like to try to remain friends with him at least.
It was actually one of our mutual friends who suggested I move in the first place. When that friend suggested it, I started looking at the area. I have a few other friends besides this guy who live out there (compared to no real friends where I live now). The area looks very similar to my hometown (which I can't move back to for health & financial reasons). I'd also be a day's drive away from family as opposed to 2-3 days away where I live now. So I do have other reasons for wanting to move there besides just this one guy. However since I'm coming out of a 15yr long bad realtionship, I was afraid moving now would be for the wrong reasons.
I guess I need to stick with my initial plan. I need to move out of my ex's house and learn to take care of myself. Learn to live how I want to live and quit living for other people. Maybe once I get myself back together I'll have a rosier outlook on relationships, but right now I'm afraid of being alone and unwanted the rest of my life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008): You should not move to him absolutly not, it would be a mistake. Please try and find happiness within you and not from another. Everything you need is in you not him...you are your answer.
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A
female
reader, phoenix85 +, writes (9 November 2008):
honey i m very sorry for ur stiuation.it must be really difficult for u.first of all u should change the idea of u cant compete with any girl or u cant find better.probably it s becouse of ur childhood problems.but believe me what u feel is just not right.u can always find better and u deserve that.dont ever forget this.
for ur stuation,i think u should let him go.if u can stand being just friend with him,keep him as a good friend,but i dont think u can do that becouse u sound too sensitive for this.but otherwise there is not too much thing that u can do.he already made his mind.even its too hard to do but u should move on and find the man that u deserve,and the man that deserves u.
good luck.
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