A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dreading posting this question because I know all the negative responses I will get. I know I am by no means a perfect person but I don't think I am awful either. I have a problem with with my husband's friends. Or any previous boyfriend's friends also for that matter. I will admit I am controlling, but not in every way, I don't control his life completely or anything like that. But I want a relationship where it is just the two of us. I am already expecting to hear that isn't healthy... It's what I want regardless. I'm sure 100% of it is the way I was raised. My father was very controlling, abusive, anger issues etc. I am nothing like that at all. But I did take after him with wanting to close off the outside world and have it be just us and our family. (well my dad wouldn't even let my mom speak to her family, I don't do that). Anyhow, long before we were married he knew all of this about me. When I got married and settled down and had kids I wanted to have just our family there. no seeing friends every couple weeks. None of this was secret. I even told him he may never be happy with me and needs a different type of girl because I know how difficult I can be. He said it wasn't a problem. I'm worth it, etc. I trusted him that he would be okay with that. Well a couple months ago he decided he didn't want to do that. He did want to see his friends every few weeks or when he decides he wants to see them. After we are married, after he knows everything about me and what I want and need, he drops this on me. We talked a lot about it and tried many compromises but finally came up with him seeing his friends every 2 months and we do something else of social equivalant in between those 2 months. So I went from what I want- never seeing them or hearing from them again. To- seeing them every couple months for the rest of my life... Clearly not what I wanted but I thought we would compromise, neither of us getting exactly what we want. He said that sounds great, we will do that. Except apparently it isn't great. He claims that was a good idea and would work well but now says he doesn't want to do that. That he wants to go when he wants to go, but says it wouldn't be too frequent. Really? I realize what I want may be odd or whatever but he knew this before going into a marriage with me. He knew I was controlling. Nothing of any of this was kept from him or sprung on him. I am a very open and honest person and am always upfront about my faults because I didn't want something like this to happen. He says it's all just a control issue but I want him to want to be with me too. And when he throws this crap at me and whines about his friends so much I don't even want to be with him. I don't know if he married me expecting me to change or what but it is incredibly unfair. And I really feel like he is just throwing as much as he can at me until I cave or give up. I can't be with someone who is like that, who tells me how things are going to be and how he gets what he wants. I need to be in control for the most part and having someone like me and trying to tell me they will now be in control isn't feasable. I think the compromises on seeing friends were all just shallow problems and the root of our problems are that he wants to run things and not ever be told what to do. His brother seems to be the same way. I'm not sure what to do. I didn't want to post this because I assumed I would hear- let him see his friends! you are a controlling bitch and unreasonable! Yeah I get that, to the outside looking in it seems like I am just a terrible person. I really am not. I just have some weird issues I am trying to compromise on but to no avail. It's like I need to completely change who I am and suddenly let him see his friends when he wants and come and go as he pleases and have no thoughts or say on it. Even though I would never do that to him, I always ask if we can do soemthing, or if I can buy something, I never just do whatever the hell I want. I feel a lot like even if I could change myself (with meds or therapy...) to deal better with him leaving so frequently I still wouldn't be happy for many reasons. One being that it just isn't the type of relationship I want. Fine that it's normal for most people to go off and see friends every week, I don't care what is normal it isn't what I want. Two, I would be accepting and changing so much and what would I get in return? What major life change does he do for me? I have to deal with a lot with his personality, lack of talking lack of emotion and sympathy and understanding. For instance if I cry, there is no comfort, nothing. I was in the ER on sunday and it seemed more like an inconvenience to him than a comforting husband. Just one example of many...I am worried about our future and what happens now. I am seeing a lot more about him that I am disliking and apparently it isn't going away. We will argue about friends until he gets his way. I don't think either one of us should completely get our way. It's seeming like we are completely different people but at the same time too common (both wanting to be in control/wear the pants in the relationship). The more this comes up the more I can't stand to be around him. And it makes me hate myself with the constant comparisons and put downs. We want such different stuff and it's like he wants a different person altogether that I could never be. Which makes me so angry because he knew exactly who I was long before this. Everything is changing and I am unsure what to do. Any thoughts would be nice. Try not to call me awful or compare me to "normal" girls or "normal" relationships... He has been putting me down about all that enough I don't need to hear it from strangers. And sorry for the length. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Becker0109 +, writes (8 August 2012):
Before I respond, I am asking you this: Who hurt you, besides your dad? You are controlling as you have had the trust removed from you either in a rapid way or over a period of time. Did you know that the wall you are building or have built, will wall you in so much you'll be by yourself! I know as my Mom was a controller and it took me about 35-40 years to break through that wall with God's help. I know you do not want to be hurt again, but we are all human. You know those tears you've cried for many years can go away if you allow Sunshine in. I've not read any of the answers as I pray before I respond. I feel your pain in some way..I'm not sure but I sense that you've been deeply wounded.
By the way, God says you are not awful but a human being, who He loves!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 August 2012):
 I think Maverick is giving you great advice; listen to her.
For what it's worth, almost all personal growth is done when one is well outside the comfort zone. It may be painful and scary but the rewards can be so great. I think the first book mentioned in my profile should be at the very top of your reading list. It has an amazing discussion about living one's life in a house constructed to protect from the outside world. Sounds eerily like your situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 August 2012):
Thanks for your follow-ups, OP. I'm sorry I missed that detail: your previous follow up didn't show up on my screen until after I posted my answer.
Well, your abandonment issue means that you too need some basic social interaction to comfort you. The difference between you and your hubby is that he needs more than one person to fill that void. He needs the diversity of different places and people while you need the comfort of familiarity. Not all is lost, OP. The fact you realize you have these issues is half the battle. So be proud of yourself for recognizing your problems and being able to open your mind to our suggestions.
I do think you can successfully work through your problems. After all, I managed to work through a lot of the same things myself, though I did need help to do it. I think it's worth talking to your hubby about this, that you really want this relationship to work but that you need external help in dealing with your issues. This also shows him you are being proactive about it. You may even want to let him read the follow-ups you posted.
Look into insurance and how much a month it would cost to cover sessions with mental health care professionals. I think it would be cheaper than paying the price by yourself, since you don't know how manny sessions you may need. Maybe your hubby can help you with the costs. Whatever you do, don't simply let it drag on like this.
["I feel like I should fix problems but would still ultimately be happier with someone not as social as my husband is and that scares me."]
That's because it's your comfort zone, OP. Getting outside of it is scary for everyone, which is why so many prefer not to do it. However, working through your issues will give you more confidence and ultimately more control over your life, control you then won't need to confine your husband so much with anymore. This also means less anxiety and more happiness. A lot of your problems are interconnected, feeding off each other. This means that working through one of them will probably help you make progress on the others as well. That's how it worked for me and I recognize a lot of you in how I used to be. It's not going to be an easy road, but it'll be very rewarding.
You will probably always be a private person. That's the base and that won't change, nor does it have to. Different personalities can coexist. There just has to be balance. And right now you don't have that because you aren't balanced. The good news is you can find it So don't give up yet, OP. This is far from hopeless.
Please keep us updated on how you're doing and if you ever feel the need to just talk or rant, feel free to drop me a PM any time you like or reply to this thread.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 August 2012):
OP, what if your husband was in a situation where he could not live at home for months? Say he had some sort of medical emergency? What would happen to you then?
You've selected him as your one companion and that's a very tenuous thing to build your life upon. Things happen. People get ill, accidents change life in ways we do not plan on.
Think of it this way. If you got cancer right now, would you avoid getting treatment because you don't have health insurance? No, you'd figure out how to pay for what you need to become healthy again.
Check into local medical schools and see what low-cost services they may offer to people without health insurance. You are able to go out into the community and interact with people, aren't you?
The thing is that the way you have constructed and constricted your world means that your husband is responsible for your happiness. That's not how it works for people. You have to be responsible for your own happiness. By putting all your social needs onto this one person, and expecting him to restrict his social needs, you have put such a burden on him that I doubt is sustainable for the future.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaverick that was the best advice I have probably ever gotten. It puts hung into perspective for me, why it isn't good enough every couple months. And also why I don't feel controlling because I'm comparing myself to my dad but you can be controlling without being as bad as he is. I know I should seek help, I wish I could afford it, at that is all that is keeping me from seeking it. Even if I didn't make it in this relationship I still want help from my constant worrying and anxiety issues and be a better person in general. I can't just sit at home if he leaves because it aggravates yet another issue I have that I mentioned in the last update. I don't realize what a mess I am until I have to explain all my different issues to strangers. I feel like I should fix problems but would still ultimately be happier with someone not as social as my husband is and that scares me. I think the lifestyle we both want can't exist with each other and be happy together. I can try and give but I don think it will ever be able to be as much as he wants with me still being happy. I guess job one is to somehow find a way to afford a therapist or psychologist. But it does feel pretty hopeless for the future of our relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 August 2012):
OP, your past has obviously shaped you in ways that are making life hard for you right now. I really do advise for you to seek out a psychologist or psychiatrist to help sort out your anxiety and other issues. Meds are not always the first solution they come up with, trust me.
I have some idea of what you're going through, as I've had a rough past myself, resulting in a lonely childhood and being very private as a teen. I became so used to being on my own it made sharing my life with others very hard. I also shied away from social gatherings, which meant that despite living in a tiny village, just a handful of locals my age actually knew who I was. I also wanted a guy who was mine and mine alone.
The problem is just that most people thrive on social interaction, OP. Most people need more than a one person to frequently interact with. Friendships are part of their happiness. Seeing friends just once or twice a months is not enough for most. They aren't used to living in solitary. They don't like it. Your husband thought he could handle it to please you, but he found out he can't.
He needs other people to feel complete. Alone with you probably makes him feel smothered compared to the amount of freedom he had before. Caged birds aren't happy birds. You may not be as controlling as your dad was, but you are controlling, OP. Just because your hubby's cage is bigger than you'd like it to be doesn't mean he isn't confined.
You are forcing your hubby to adopt the same lifestyle you have, while he comes from a totally different background. That's not a hurdle to overcome, that's a mountain. I know that this is how you feel safe and content. But some times you just need to take a chance. Why not try to let go of your comfort zone and put yourself out there?
I'll feel awful at first, but after a while it gets better. In my case I took on a job as a bartender. It scared the shit out of me at first, but it helped me become more sociable and more comfortable around other people. Mind you, you don't ever have to become this bubbly social butterfly, but being a recluse is not healthy either. Being stuck with nothing but your own thoughts never is. Being in contact with other people helps putting things in perspective.
Please do get evaluated by a mental health professional. Your hubby may think it's not necessary, but it is. Just having someone help sort through your troubled mind, your past, etc. can be very helpful and liberating. It can help you define what you want and who you really are (and want to be.)
In the end, if you decide you want a man all for yourself without friends, you have to let this relationship go. You two are very different people and if you two can't compromise in a way that is acceptable for the both of you, this is not going to work. Just know it's going to be VERY hard to find someone who does suit your preferences.
All that said, I have to give a nod at Tisha's suggestion: why not let him go out with his friends while you stay at home? You don't have to meet them or talk to them. Let him drive to them. Just treat his time away the same way you do when he's at work. That way he can have the social life he craves and you can do what you want.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have already said I mentioned counseling. I do not have insurance and it was pretty steep a price to see a psychiatrist not including cost of meds. I'd like to see a dr for my anxiety and issues I have with being left. I can't sit at home while he he just leaves. I've researched it before and if I remember correctly I have isolophobia, fear or being left or alone. Even the thought of him leaving scares me. I realize that's a serious problem I have. I think what I'm also trying to convey is that if it were possible to fix my fears somehow that I still don't a want a husband that leaves every weekend to hang out with friends. I don't think how his friends are is considered normal but even if it is I want no part of that. I think I should be able to handle it on occasion sure. I'd love to be able to do that. I thought I was doing so well trying to accept every couple months and going with him to those things. Who can determine what a normal social life really is anyway...? Why does it have to be seeing friends every week? What about someone who still talks to friends but over the phone and only sees them twice a year? Are they now abnormal? I'm curious, obviously ignoring all of my phobias and issues, why is it abnormal to see your friends every couple of months? And also going to play board games and be social with another group of people every few weeks.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 August 2012):
And to answer that question, can you make it or will this fail, I would say that depends on whether you can alter your perception enough to allow him to enjoy the normal socialization that most people need to live a balanced, healthy life, and if he can continue to accept your control of his time and attention.
You use the phrase "can't change," when it appears that it would be more accurate to say "won't change" or "don't want to change."
Have you considered counseling or does that fill you with dread?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 August 2012):
Why can't you stay home while he goes out and socializes? That way, he gets the social interaction that most people need and you get to keep your solitude, that you so desperately crave.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess the root of my question or post would be can we possibly make it or is it going to fail? I realize no one can tell the future, but the more we argue about things about each other that we can't change, I don't know if that means its impossible to make it. It won't ever happen that my personality changes completely, but since what I am trying to do (see friends every couple months) isn't good enough, does that mean a failed marriage? That unless I am a different person altogether then we are too different and can't work it out? I'm scared of failing and it is hard to tell when you are just fighting and that's it or when it's a sign that you are too incompatible and can't get past it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 August 2012):
I still don't know what your question is. I wish you freedom from anxiety and good mental health. Hope everything works out for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was very upset by the first 2 posts I received. After telling my husband about it and reading the posts himself he said to ignore it and they don't know me or our relationship, so I will ignore them. As for the other 2 posters, anonymous and nonan, I appreciate your comments. Nonan- the lack of planning is something that scares me. I also agree that he thought he could handle it but realized in the long run he cannot. That's why we are trying the compromises and I'm attempting to deal with it all the best I can, I just can't ever be he person who is so easy going and has no problem with him leaving to see friends whenever he feels like it. Anonymous, I can say I am truly jealous of you finding someone like your fiancée is. Not that you were searching for that, but it would have been a great match for me. I don't have any friends either and to fall for someone with quite a few and ones that get together every week or more is very unfortunate for me. We definitely love each other, that's why I am trying as hard as I can even if it means having the type of relationship I don't want. I just think he wants me to be something I am incapable of being, I'm not a sociable easy going person. Right now it seems that we love each other enough to deal with the negatives, as for the long run I am not sure. Every time this comes up we feel like we aren't what each other wants and I'm not sure how long all of our good things we love about each other will outweigh the negatives. And as for age, I am 24 but he is 31. I worry more about the future than anything else. We talk about having kids and he really really wants one but I don't want to bring a child into a bad relationship. I also would like to go to a psychiatrist to deal with my anxiety and worries for the future but he doesn't think I need to or should. So I'm insure still what happens from here. I guess we keep trying and hope that love is enough to overlook our flaws. Thanks for the feedback anon and nonan.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): Your age range is 22-25, meaning you got married when you were awfully young. The funny thing about life is that different ages bring about different ways of looking at life. Your husband may have thought he would be OK with your personality while he was still young and naive - now with some time passing, he has changed his mind.It's pretty normal to change your mind, your views and time goes on. What you're willing to do for your partner and how you show your love is very different when you have been 1-2 years together, as opposed to 5-7, 10-15 years. The longer you're with someone, the more their negative personality traits will annoy you. If there is enough love to over-look these faults, the relationship will survive. If not, it fails.Yes, you were upfront about your controlling nature. Yes, he told you he didn't mind it - but that was before he truly knew what being married to you was really like. Shit happens. If you don't want to change, you should divorce and be with a man who doesn't have friends. My finance doesn't have any nor is he very close to his family. Maybe that is more of your type.
...............................
A
male
reader, nonan  +, writes (5 August 2012):
It sounds to me as if you got married too fast. He temporarily thought he could handle something that time has taught him he can't.
Apart from splitting up (which may be inevitable), maybe you could try working things out in your own mind. Is it him seeing friends that bothers you? Or the lack of a plan? Do you guys still plan dates?
Maybe an idea would be for you to take it in turns to plan a date or an activity for each other? Maybe once a week it could be something really special?
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 August 2012):
 You know your way of thinking and trying to control your husband is wrong, that is why you included the rider in your question that you did not want any negative comments.
You say you know it is 'normal' for people to want to see their friends, which leads me to say you also know what you want is 'abnormal'.
Your husband is not wanting to be in control, he just wants to be normal, you are the one wanting to control him, his environment and his life. He probably initially agreed to your suggestion because he didn't really think about what he was agreeing to.
You need to seek some professional help.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 August 2012):
What is it you want us to help with? You ask for "any thoughts" but then add a load of conditions on the responses. You don't want to be compared but add a lot of detail. You don't want to be put down by strangers but here you are making yourself vulnerable.
Lets try this. Ask a question. Maybe that will help crystallize your scattered thoughts.
From where I sit, in front of my little screen, I am reading about a woman whose object of control (her husband) has decided that he's not actually 100 percent on board with her plans. It sounds reasonable enough to me, for him to want to hang out with friends from time to time.
Sounds like you've lost control of your previously-controlled husband. Maybe it's time to call it quits and find a guy with a weaker ego? That's all I've got.
What, exactly, is you question?
PS Please add if you have OCD or other similar disorder, have ever been evaluated for autism or aspergers or have in any way been evaluated by a mental health professional. Have you ever had counseling for being raised in an abusive family?
...............................
|
