A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I am having a really hard time getting over a married man. I am in an unhappy marriage and this is why I was vulnerable to him. He led me on and then disappeared from my life. I had true and deep feelings for him during our friendship even though we did not have an affair. He seemed to share my feelings. But now he is gone and my heart is broken. He seemed to cut me off so easily. I wish he felt some guilt or anything at all. It might help ease my pain a little. I just don't understand how he could end all contact like this if he cared for me? And he made it seem like he did. I have reason to believe his wife might suspect something was going on between us.All I do is think about him and cry for days. I cry when I am driving or in a public place. I am finding it hard to keep it together. I feel physically ill. I cannot sleep. I feel like I don't care about anything anymore. I have recently started talking to a therapist but it still does not ease the pain I am suffering. I know that my feelings were wrong because he was married and so am I but I am in horrible emotional pain. I feel like I will never come out of it. I feel guilty for letting myself be so vulnerable and my self esteem has taken a big hit because of this. I feel I did something wrong or am not good enough. I keep hoping I will see him again or that he will contact me. I just don't know how to let him go. I am such a wreck because of this. And I feel like I am all alone. Could anybody help me? Any advice on how to get through this? I could sure use it because I am so lost.
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affair, married man, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Dreamland  +, writes (30 October 2011):
YouWish hit the nail right on the head with her post, especially the part about the insidious nature of emotional and sexual affairs; it all starts with innocent conversation, but as time goes on you end up letting your guard down and before you know it you have crossed the line to the point of no return. That's how it all started with my affair. I knew years ago that I should stay away from this married woman, thinking that it wouldn't go beyond innocent flirting, but I'm in a deep emotional and sexual roller coaster ride going on four years now.You should consider yourself lucky that there is closure which will at least allow you to reassess your past actions so that you can move on with your life. As YouWish stated, this is all about you and not about him, since you allowed yourself to become emotionally attached against your better judgment. Find out why you allow yourself to put up with a protracted "unhappy marriage". Do you perhaps lack that feeling of being grounded and being emotionally independent? Do you gravitate towards relationships as means of validating who you are?Again, you should feel fortunate that you can at least move on now. Read carefully what your wrote regarding "I feel like I'm all alone...I am so lost...self esteem taking a hit".
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2011): What did u expect from this affair if he did share your feelings? That u both would elope and destroy 2 homes and kids lives as well? U may not realise this but this MM actually realised that u both were wrong and he backed off. At least he had enough common sense to let go.
What about your marriage/hb? Have u decided to divorce yet?
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 October 2011):
 This one's simpler than you think. The way you described how you felt about him and how you feel now without him show clearly that you emotionally used him as a crutch to prop yourself up on. That is a huge trap -- to base your own happiness on someone else.
There is more in your life than your unhappy marriage. You've allowed your emotional and mental well being to slip. These things happen the same way as a frog in a pan of water slowly being heated. The frog doesn't realize when things have become dangerous. He'll die as happy as he would if the water had stayed cold because he doesn't realize the water has gotten dangerously hot.
Likewise, you have neglected your emotional well being and have gotten so out of balance without realizing it. This married guy I'm sure had feelings for you too. However, he pulled back because he doesn't want to leave his wife, and I'm sure he felt your added emotional requirement on him. That's tough when you're anxious and off kilter unless you're with him, and then you're on air. No one person can be someone else's anything.
What you have to do is take steps to become independent. You can't rely or base your emotional health on the decisions of any other person. You are not way off kilter because this guy withdrew from you. In reality, this might be hard, but it's the best thing for you, because now the problem is exposed and can now be properly dealt with. Your healthy state isn't one of crying and pining and not caring if the world existed or not.
You can let him go because this is not about him. This is about you. You do well to talk to a therapist, and you must fix you first. Think about it -- if you got everything you were hoping for...he leaves his wife, you two get together, the angels weep with joy, and he was with you forever, then you would eventually feel as empty and unhappy as you do now with your current husband. You must be able to stand in a position of emotional independence, and you must do whatever it takes to do so. Start by really being honest with your therapist. The more you reveal, the better he or she can help you.
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (25 October 2011):
It's understandable to look for comfort when you're in a bad situation. But as you've found, a married man isn't going to be the source of that comfort. Rather than looking outside, wouldn't it be better to deal with what's causing the pain in the first place? Work on your marriage, seek counselling, or, if you've exhausted every avenue, get out. If divorce is the only thing left, do it and start the healing process. Once you're emotionally healthy, then you can find an unattached man to give you comfort and joy.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 October 2011):
Friends come and go, this is how life is. Sometimes we are all faced with decisions that are painful for us to make but we have to make them anyway, and I am sure he had to make his. Why do you blame yourself for his decision? You reap what you sow. An emotional affair is still cheating in my morals. The one we marry is the one we chose to spend the rest of our lives with. If things are not right we need to try to work it out or end it. Bringing someone else into the circle is not right and will only lead to hurt. This hurt will affect everyone. It is ok to have friends, but when you have to hide it from your spouse, I think it become wrong. I can understand you need someone in your life, a shoulder to lean on and someone to understand you but stop blaming yourself for what has happened. You need to let go and move on. If you keep recycling these past thoughts and memories you have of him, you will only hurt more, and you will not gain any understanding of what has happened or any justification for the present. Pull yourself together and fix the things that are wrong in your life.
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A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (25 October 2011):
 Ok, he's married and so are you; so what did you expect? Are you ready to leave your marriage? You didn't mention how long you've been married. You think its possible his wife found out. Then he's made his own choice. If its strictly an emotional affair, I say get over it and move on with your life. He was never available in the first place. If your marriage is so bad, work on it, or get a divorce and look for someone who's available to invest your time and energy in.
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