| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: Hi - hope you can help. Have been going out with my girlfriend for 5 months and just found out that she has been a lot more sexually active than I - sleeping with at least 14 different partners (she is 32). I think this is a lot personally, I am 25 and have slept with 3 people, although realistically this could have been more - I have just always thought of sex as really special and never gone through with life's opportunities as much as the next person may have. I'm not feeling intimidated as much as uncomfortable with the number itself and what this means for the person that she is.I can't get these 14 people out of my head. During the last 5 months I thought she was someone like me - who really thought the same about sex as me. I think I am being irrational - I mean - what should it matter how many people... but I can't help feeling that she isn't the person i fell in love with. I want to forgive her, I find I am grossed out by the whole thing. I hate feeling like this - will it pass or should I move on? I can't bear to lose her, but I don't want to drive her down with my feelings.
View related questions:
fell in love, move on, sex life Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Im 21 my partner is 26. I haven't had sex with anyone else while she has slept with five guys.Her first sexual partner cheated on her.Her second was a family friend who at the time had a girlfriend, they got drunk and had sex with no protection.Her third, she cheated on her boyfriend with a long term friend several times.Her fourth was someone she had met once, then talked over the phone,internet for 10 months, and when they met again they had sex.Her fifth was to a long term boyfriend (2 years).I was lied to about her never having sex without protection (it took us 8 months).So my dilema was that she had previously cheated on someone, had had sex with several guys when getting drunk and just having sex for the sake of sex and then being lied to about something that was special to me.I used to think about these things and many more, like whether I was big enough or the best in bed. Even despite her saying that I was the biggest she had had, and I was by far the best in bed. But it always went through my head that "hey she had only met these guys a few times and had sex with them and with no protection" .... "So does that mean she loves sex"? As she always said to me that she hated sex, and if it happened once a year it was a good year. She also said that as a girlfriend she felt obligated to have sex.While for the drunken sex with the three guys, she says it was a case of "we were drunk". It made me believe that she was hiding something, and when she said that she couldn't really remember the sex, it made me feel even more concerned.At that same time, I was surrounded by mates who had slept with 10 and more chicks, while one around 40. So I was thinking "what am I doing".It became a lot to deal with mentally and I was starting to get stressed out. I even went on myspace to find any information about her ex's.But to be honest, it wouldn't make a difference whether it was 1 partner, 5, or 15 as there will always be this sense of jealousy and lack of self-belief. I mean, I nearly broke up with her a few times due to my lack of self-confidence. I blew premature the first time I had sex and that really hurt my self confidence. Then there is the drugs, she has tried everything, while I haven't even tried a cigarette. It makes me a little jealous in a sense of the peer pressure world where you "have to try everything once otherwise you will die wondering".But you have to get over it, we are both in love and cant live a moment without each other. It took me a good month to stop thinking about those past sexual partners everyday. I will never get over the fact that she let herself be treated this way and the things that she has done when drunk and on drugs.But I love her.And if your love can't get you over the line of this "jealousy", then maybe she isn't the problem, maybe you just don't have enough self belief.Thats what I went through, I was measuring myself and slowly over the month of stress my dick had gotten smaller, but it was just a mental thing. I also thought that I was bad in bed, even though she would go well before me and be screaming and telling me "phew babe that was awesome".I lost my self belief in the bedroom, I lost it in myself as to whether I was good to her. But then it all clicked, hey, she's not the problem as she loves me and has never said anything bad to me and always enjoys the sex and can't live a day without seeing me. She also broke down when she told me about the protection.So, if she wasn't the problem. Then I was. And I had artificially created all these problems in my head. And trust me, they will always be there, but not to the extent as you are experiencing once you have realised that it is your own self confidence that is being tested.So, start trusting yourself and start believing that you are the best for her. And if your not the best person for her, then she would tell you.Ultimately I am glad she has had her experiences as they have made her into the person who she is now. The person I love.
A
female
reader, AllyCat  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 everyone replying to you seems to be male with the same problem, and i guess some of it is quite helpful, but then, i can't believe that there are so many of you out there. so i'm here to let you know how i feel, as a girl on the other side of the problem.
before my current boyfriend, i had slept with 7 people in 7 years. each one was a boyfriend who i had known for a while before we got together and i had waited at least 2 months until i gave into the constant hounding for sex. for various reasons, i realised they weren't "the ones" (it may have been due to them becoming complete dickheads after we'd had sex),however i guess it took sleeping with them to realise this. for some reason this pattern kept repeating, why i don't know, but i do know that my partner is torn between feelings that it is my fault, and feelings that these men have taken advantage of small naive me, the girl with incredibly low self esteem. this makes him so angry and moody, and it really hurts to know that he feels that disgusted in me. he also begs me to give him details, and if i do he gets angry and if i don't, coz i know how he gets, he assumes the worst.
i love him with all my heart, i have never loved anyone this much. i seriously could not imagine life without him, other than this one enormous problem our life together is pretty awesome.
we were supposed to be getting married soon, i have my dress and everything, but now i have to find some way of telling everyone it's all off.
everytime he is in a mood, it breaks my heart, i don't think about my past, it's not important. he is all that matters to me, i don't why he can't see that and just move on. he hurts me so much that i even have a suicide plan because i can't live without him. he doesn't know as i wouldn't want 2 worry him or make him feel trapped in this relationship. but if he ends it, there is nothing more for me to live for, he is my everything.
so basicly what i'm saying is boys, think about what you are putting your ladies thru. they love you and acknowledge that they made mistakes, but you have changed them for the better and they love you more than words can describe. is it really worth all the hurt and the pain, go and see a psychiatrist/psychologist if you need to, it seems to help, but please find a way to deal with it, because it hurts her way more than she lets on, and if she's like me it is taking its toll and wearing her down.
i wish there was some easy remedy for it, but there's not, so please just learn to forgive us.
...............................
A
male
reader, Forgiveness  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 I know what so many, or rather all of you are going through.Let me tell you one thing. We are all sinners. Look into your past and see what all you have messed up. I am sure most will see lots. Some however will not see enough and to some it won't matter what they have done, just that their gf has been messing around in the past and that's all that they can see anymore.
I am so so amazed by all the post on this page. Not one (correct me if i am wrong, i coz i breezed through some) talks about FORGIVENESS !!! Plain and simple, your GF made her share of mistakes and you can either forgive her or not !!!!!
Let me tell you all something. If you can't forgive you will never be able to move on.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BRUSHING ASIDE THE MATTER AND NEITHER IS THERE ANY SUCH THING AS GETTING OVER IT ! BOTH ARE TEMPORARY !
So that brings us to the all important question then, HOW IN THE WORLD DO I DEAL WITH IT !!
LET'S LOOK AT A FEW THINGS HERE...
1. THINK OF WHAT YOU HAVE DONE BEFORE ASKING ANYONE.
2. IF SHE CAN BE TRUSTED NOW AND REGRETS WHAT SHE HAS DONE AND HAS CHANGED HER WAYS THEN IT'S TIME TO FORGIVE.
3. NEVER AS YOUR GF FOR DETAILS ABOUT PAST SEX RELATED INCIDENTS. MAKE SURE YOU ASK NOTHING THAT CREATES MENTAL IMAGERY OF THE EVENTS. FOR EXAMPLE ASKING HER HOW MANY TIMES SHE WAS INVOLVED IN ORAL SEX,OR OTHER FORMS OF SEX, OR HOW DID SHE MAKE OUT, WHERE SHE DID THAT, HOW DID ANOTHER GUY TOUCH HER , ETC... NO SUCH QUESTIONS MEN !!
4. IF YOU HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FORGIVE THEN YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FORGET.
5. THE PAST CANNOT BE CHANGED IN ANY WAY, SO STOP DESIRING THAT. STOP ASKING IF; WISHING THIS OR THAT.. PAST IS FACT AND FACTS WILL STAY NO MATTER WHAT.
6. DO NOT THINK OR TRY TO MAKE YOUR SELF BELIEF THAT SHE WAS TAKEN ADVANTAGE OFF OR IT WAS NOT REALLY HER FAULT UNLESS SHE WAS ABUSED OR ABSOLUTELY SURELY TAKEN ADVANTAGE OFF.
MEN DO THAT TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR THEMSELVES TO FORGIVE.
BUT IT'S ONLY A VICIOUS AND FOOLISH GAME.
IT DOESN'T WORK.
7. NEVER ASK PROBING QUESTIONS. BE GENTLE WITH HER ALWAYS.
SHE NEEDS TO BE LOVED.( REMEMBER MOST WOMEN FALL INTO EMPTY RELATIONSHIPS AND END UP DOING SO MUCH CRAP, BECAUSE THEY FEEL UNLOVED BY FOLKS AT HOME, SPECIALLY FATHER, OR FEEL UNAPPRECIATED, OR HAVE LITTLE OR NO ATTENTION). SO MAKE SURE YOUR WOMAN FEELS LOVED, JUST AS IT REQUIRED OF WOMEN TO RESPECT THEIR MEN.
8. START THIS WAY, ACCEPT AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR GIRL DID WRONG AND SHE DID MAKE ALL THOSE MISTAKES.
9. YOU NEED TO HAVE THE WILLINGNESS THEN TO FORGIVE. IF THAT DOESN'T COME TO YOU ( AS TO MOST MEN, WHO FEEL REVENGEFUL, HURT, LET DOWN, EMPTY, LOSERS AND DON'T WANT TO FORGIVE AND RATHER TORMENT THEIR WOMEN SOMEHOW), YOU WILL NEED TO PRAY FOR IT !!
YES YOU NEED TO PRAY FOR IT. YOU NEED TO ASK GOD TO GIVE YOU THE WILLINGNESS TO FORGIVE.
REMEMBER FORGIVENESS COMES FROM GOD AND NOT FROM YOU.
10. WHEN YOU HAVE THE WILLINGNESS TO FORGIVE AND YOU CLEARLY MAKE THAT CHOICE TO FORGIVE HER( PLEASE REMEMBER IT'S A CHOICE FIRST AND THEN A FEELING), GOD WILL MAKE THOSE FEELINGS OF HURT, PAIN DISAPPEAR. THIS MAY TAKE TIME. SOMETIMES A FEW MONTHS OR MAYBE YEAR. PLEASE DO NOT GET STUCK WITH TIME FRAMES. GOD WORKS IN THE MOST PERFECT MANNER WITH EXCELLENT AND IMMACULATE TIMINGS.
11. YOUR WORK IS TO HAVE THE WILLINGNESS TO FORGIVE AND GOD DOES THE REST BY MAKING THOSE FEELINGS DISAPPEAR.
IT WORKS , SURE AS DEATH OF ANYTHING THAT IS BORN.
12. ALSO REMEMBER FORGIVENESS IS NOT EASY BUT IT IS THE RIGHT THING. FOR EVERY RIGHT THING WE DO, WE PAY A PRICE.
13. LET ME REMIND YOU AGAIN. YOU CAN DO THIS ALL BY YOURSELF. YOU NEED TO INVOLVE GOD TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
AND I TELL YOU ONE THING. HE IS SITTING OUT THERE WAITING FOR YOU TO ASK FOR IT ,BECAUSE HE CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU JOYOUS ! HIS PROBLEM IS THAT HE LOVES US ALL BEYOND MEASURE.
14. THERE ARE MANY BOOKS ON FORGIVENESS AND HOW IT WORKS.
MAKE SURE YOU DON'T READ ANY WHICH DON'T HAVE A SOLID FOUNDATION. I COULD SUGGEST A FEW IF YOU WERE INTERESTED. FEEL FREE TO MAIL ME AT [email address blocked]
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Well, i was dating the girl i was with before, and she left me. during that time she dated a guy for 11 months.. she only had sex with him 15 times, but when i think about it i get sick to my stomache. i have been dating her a year and a half now, and we are very happy together, but sometimes it crosses my mind and it hurts me. i just thought i was a loser and a shitty boyfriend for it, but everybody tells me it is because i love her.
i don't know though.
...............................
A
male
reader, Music Man  +, writes (24 April 2008):
I feel your pain, My girl and I separated for like 4 years for college but were still seeing each other when we could. But when we got back together she gives me oral sex all the time and then randomly swallowed. I was glad and sick at the same time because I knew it wasn't me who taught her that. So of course my dumb ass ask her how many guys she did that for and she said just one and only one time.... yeah f'n right lol. Now my intelligence was insulted along with my pride. anyway the issue still plagues me but I find myself in bad moods towards her if it crosses my mind. I'm scared to ask if shes had anal sex. I'd probably call it quits, just cuz we got nothing new for us and I'm not into kinky things.. unless anal is, but i haven't done it nor wanted too until my pride was hurt on the oral thing. So in your case what I'm saying is look for what you can have thats just for you and work on detaching your heart from sex. Theres no way she was in love with 14 men so ask her how she views sex. your feelings will change when you know what truly matters to her, i would bet sex is nowhere on that list... well no where near the top : ) not advice, just feelings hope it helps
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): I've been with my girl for about a month and a half.We're both 29.I've had over ten sex partners.She claims seven which I know is an underestimation.I really don't want to know the exact number.When we started getting serious I told her I didn't care about her past and I wouldn't bring it up.I seriously didn't care and didn't want to know.She's just a real dumbass cause she asked me about my past and naturally it led to hers.Even after I told her not to divulge any details or info about her past sex adventures, she does it anyway.I wish she hadn't because I knew how I'd get.Sure enough I got jealous.I still am.I had told her not to ever bring up her sexual past but I guess keeping her mouth shut in more ways than one was too hard for her.She told me about a threesome when she was 19.She's had two boyfriends and the rest were one night stands.She's really into sex raves and other crap which she claims is just for "people watching and fun." After knowing this I guess it was for the best cause I've realized she isn't the one for me.In a way she did me a favor by not being smart and keeping her mouth shut about her past.Now she's about to lose a good thing.I understand we all have pasts but come on? Do I really have to know that she's had large cocks, and that one guy was screwing her the wrong way and told him to stop, or that she was usually the agressor and would take guys home after a night at the bar?Seriously I didn't have to know this and didn't want to.I fell hard for her and really liked her but damn, this changed everything. If she was whoring around I didn't want to know.It was in the past.Now she painted a mental picture for me and she's really messed things up. No wonder she's such an idiot.I should've known. Ladies, if your man ever tells you not to bring up your past sexual encounters, smarten up and don't bring it up.He's mature enough to know he doesn't want to know and it doesn't matter. When you paint the picture for him, well now you've got his imagination running wild and he's painting you not as the future mother of his kids, but as a nympho bar-slut who can't keep her legs closed.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): what sux is when she talks a bout a a particular "easily-give-up-the-goods" situation with no shame and with a 'so-it-happened" kida attitude. Cant help thinking she still considers it "OK" and might tolerate it sometime again in future despite assuring otherwise. Its just that we dont have much control over the heart. It loves but is bothered at the same time. Crazy, if u asked moi!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): i completely understand how you feel
im not sure where to begin...
i'm 18, english, and have been going out with my girlfriend (of 16) now for a little over a year, there have been some really really good times- times i'l never forget, but underlying almost the entirety of our relationship, are feelings which have formed as a result of her past;
at 13 she was seriously emotionally torn, she had been bullied at school for a long time, something which i feel is always underestimated in its ability to permanantly emotionally damage- and being bullied left her a very dependant person- who felt she needed to please everyone around her, family, friends, etc...
she moved schools and the bullying pretty much stopped, though she still hid an insecure and quite vunerable person underneath a brave construct, something she had invented but did not really feel, in order to "fit in".
her mother was also having a rough time of it- being beaten around by some coward, which obviously put even more stress on her. she also had a relative who she had stayed with a lot as a child, who passed away and left a large emotional hole- around the same time.
so when she was 13 things really piled on to her all at once- she was scared, got depressed, and as you can imagine, was vunerable and easily led... easily convinced of love
she met a boy, and they did the things kids do, held hands etc, then they kissed- but he wanted more, and just after she turned 13 he convinced that poor, fragile creature to give him a blowjob- and she couldnt say no- for a few reasons- at first she didnt think much of it, she had been a quite sheltered child, and did not know what a blowjob was until a few months before, so thought nothing much of it.
she also couldnt say no because she just wanted someone to be with, someone she could be convinced that she loved- and he took advantage of that, he used her, and even though he was also only 13, it tears me up all the time
it wasnt just one either- they went out for 2 and a half years, and even though in most ways it was a sort of kiddy relationship- for example they didnt talk much, certaintly not about their feelings, and they never slept together or did anything more than what ive mentioned- they still did that.
so then i guess they carried on for a couple years- he was never all that interested in her body, thankfully- he never pleasured her in any way bar feeling and kissing her breastsfrom time to time. she just went on with it, she says now that she didnt particularly like it, but she didnt hate it- because it started off as not a big deal, because of her naivety, and then by the time she was old enough to realise it was a big deal, she had already done it so many times, that it had lost its sting- she says she would have happily stoped, and genuinely thought she loved him- so thinks she carried on because of that but not because of any sexual satsfaction that she got- also if she ever said she wasnt in the mood he would blackmail and guilt trip her- he was a twat, and would have told everyone if they had broken up, just to spite her, she really was trapped in a cycle she felt uncomfortable in but saw no way out of.
until he intended to move to france-
its an unusual concept, and i wont pretend to undersand it- but apparently she didnt have the strength to break up with him, because she feared losing him, but on another level wanted rid of him- so him moving to france when they were 14 shoved her out of the cycle, and she says she had never felt more relieved and free.
so why then, did she visit him in france weeks after they sort of broke up, and did it again?
at present- this information tears me up on so many levels- i blame her, even though the evidence suggests it wasnt really her fault, and no matter how much i try to convince myself that shes changed and circumstance forced her to do it (i believe she would have said no if she had not been so emotionally crushed) i still cant help thinking that i wish she were completely pure- is that too much to ask?
weve talked about it so much and shes been so patient- but lately, i suppose because its dragged on, she has behaved impatiently and has acted defensively- ive genuinely thought at times tha id never get over it, and that i should break up with her, for her sake just as much as mine.
ive been tough to her, sometimes taken out my frustration and confusion on her because i dont know what else to throw it at- ive never felt so down, i always compare myself to other guys, something i never felt a neccesity to do before i met her, and i question her word- i dont trust her because she was so ashamed of what she had done (at her own weakness, because she hates feeling powerless now) that she let the truth out in little pieces, having to round off the edges of each bit with temporary lies.
i hated the lies, because they made me feel like i could never trust her again, and indeed, i question almost everything she says now on a subconcious level- i know they were not malicious, but...
i desperately want to love her- and am very confused about wether i do? it always seems like i cant give in to the natural urge to love, because my instinct is to detatch myself- so that if we break up, it wont hurt so much
it hurts so much- and i know its ridiculous- even though its pretty sick at 13 and 14, on a school bus (a part of the journey where no-one else was on the bus) sometimes every day of the school week- at the end of the day its a messed up 13 year old girl who made a big mistake- shes sorry and it could have been worse- SO WHY CANT I ACCEPT IT AND MOVE ON WITH THE FUTURE!!!
for almost a year, as more and more information came out in snippets, i asked more and more questions, determined to fill in the cracks (i thought she would naturally leave out bits she deemed unnecesary, or overly crude, or had genuinely forgotten- and even though i hated carrying the weight of that knowlegde and those images in my head- i was obsessed with knowing everything) i still do to an extend, i ask myself questions, and worry all the time- it has made me deeply unhappy and very insecure- what if his was bigger than mine? even though i know mine is slightly bigger than average, and the chances are very minimal. other things along those lines
i also worried whether she had taken any pleasure from doing it, that she hid- i suppose i will never know but it seems unlikely- at tmes i wonder if he touched her and she hasnt said, which in my opinion would be far worse than what she did
so...
i gave her hell about it from time to time, but sometimes i was very forgiving- shes frustrated because i dont really trust her- and i feel like there really isnt a way out for me
she did it on a ferry on the way to, and back from france, on a school trip, and in numerous other places, the worst of which was probarbly a lane near where she lived.
i want to love her but i cant if i dont trust her- and i want so badly for her to be pure and for it to all be ok but what has happened has happened... im not sure if anyone can answer my questions, but if so, please suggest whether i should stay with her or not, i just dont know!
she met with another boy after the first one- who had been friends with her for a long time, and they went out, they just kissed and groped etc, that was all, clumsy, childish, like it should be- and she was happy, you know? the first one, he controled her- and even though he was only 13/14, thats somehow worse than the things they did- you see, the sexual act of a blowjob, and handjob, is certaintly heavily sexual, but its a mechanical act of the hand or mouth to create pleasure in a nutshell, its a mistake that can be made by naive children, as in this case- it started as curiosity- and then when it was clear pleasure was included, i assume he didnt see a reason for it to stop- control however, is dark stuff, thats calculating nasty intelligence, manipulation and arrogance- and my baby, my girlfriend, had to put up with that
im so bitter on so many levels- and very frustrated
ultimately she gave a boy many many blowjobs, and she did it because of control and vunerability- i feel selfish but rightious, i want to love her but a part of my head ruled by jealousy and disgust hates her for no reason
i am disgusted but simeltaniously so so sorry for her
i dont understand how i feel- im an emotional mess at the moment, many would say its no big deal what happened- and many of you guys have had much worst things happen, and im sorry- but what dominates uss all as one in common is confusion- the fact is, all of our stories are very similar- they are ruled by frustration, we dont know which way to turn and as such our indecision throws us from emotional wall to emotional wall with no doorway out in sight, in a way that the problem on its own couldnt
id be a hypocrite if i advised to treat it objectively, try to take a view of an outsider, and deal with the problem without the awkward connetations, because i just cant do it myself- but im sure it holds the key
its hard
she was just a child- but no excuse seems enough- i just cant get the images out of my head- i mean, a school bus for fuck sake...
well thanks, and i wish you all luck
writing this has helped me to ge a lot off my chest
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): I am experiencing a very confusing feeling. I am 16, my girlfriend is the same age and we have a very meaningful relationship, its really something special. Recently we had sex and it was her first. We REALLY like each other, we're in a great relationship, I was her first guy, everything should feel great right? Not so simple. Before I started going out with her I had heard from my friends that she was not a shy one when it came to...doing things. She NEVER had the reputation of being a slut or sleeping around, however she had a history. The night when our relationship really started we didn't really know each other that well, and were not going out. She was drunk and frankly was DTF (down to fuck). I did not take advantage of her although I could have at that point (because I'm a nice guy and I respected her). However that night I realized that the difference between myself and anther guy was not a big one. I was the lucky guy and was happy to be it at that point. It did not bother be that she could have been had so easily. It was a new and exciting relationship that was moving quickly, and that was fine with me. We have been together for awhile now and I cannot describe how i feel about her. I know I am really young and maybe its to early to start saying words like love, but I feel unlike i have every felt for a girl. What has changed sense that fist night is not only my emotions for her though. My level of jealousy, suspicion, and pain over her past has risen to the same extent. Although she was a virgin before me, I know that she has experimented with oral sex, and I know one specific story about a drunken night when she gave a guy head at a party. I know this guy, go to the same school with this guy, and played on the same football team as this guy. It shocked me and hurt me when I heard this story. I am torn by two emotions. One comes from the fact that she is a hot young girl who is sexually inclined, likes to get drunk, and has a past with guys. This feeling is a terrible one, I get a huge rush of pain and anger when I picture her drunk, sucking on my team mates cock (pardon the description). The other feeling is a wonderful one. It is my overwhelming feeling of love for her. She is the coolest, funniest, sexiest girl I know, and she is the one who adores me the most. I was her first, and our sexual relationship is as emotionally intimate as one can be. We had to work out some sexual issues when we where first getting to "know" each other so to speak and she was completely understanding and loving of me no matter. I have no clue how I could ever let go of this girl. When we have talked about her past she says that she regrets that time sooo much, that she was drunk and doesn't remember much. However I can't help but wonder. That first night when we where together, was I just another guy who she could have regretted? I know for a fact that when she goes home she drinks at parties and with friends (she lives in a country where it is legal at her age) and although I, and everyone who is friends with her says that she would never do anything behind my back, I cannot help but think about it and Imagen the worst. One time over a school break while we were together she got so drunk that she passed out and didn't remember it the next day. She had to ask her friends if anything happened, and you know what i mean by "happened". Nothing did, and I trust her when she tells me that she would never do anything behind my back. But she wasn't planning on giving that guy a blow job while drunk at a party before she got there and got smashed. So whats stopping her from doing the same nowadays when she gets drunk when I'm not around (let alone thousands of mines away)? I know she really likes me, and I know that she has been faithful to me when she probably would be getting with someone over break if she were single. But I cant stop thinking about it, and it hurts me more and more as I get more attached to her. We're talking about serious, emotional pain. I don't know what to do about it. We have talked about it, and she knows I think about it but I don't think she knows how much pain it causes me, and I think for me (or anyone in this situation) to come to peace with this issue, she has to realize how much it hurts me or at least how much I think about it. I hate to think that she feels bad about me thinking about it, and I know that she wants me to forget about her past. However when it comes to things like this, communication it key! I think I can get over this, it will simply take some time and some understanding, on both sides.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Same thing. Different story. relationship almost 6 years. discussed history at on-set of relationship, but just read a paper she wrote on her sexual history for a psychology class and now the details won't leave me alone. I'm already a jealous guy, but some of the things - i just can seem to come to terms with - I just see it as bad shit that can't be changed. I don't like the idea of someone taking advatage of my girlfriend. The kinds of sexual situations sound to me and she's told me...I was drunk, I don't really remember it...it didn't matter...so when I think about who these dudes are must have been taking full advantage of that situation or having his way with her, treating her like a piece of ass, etc...it upsets me that someone has degraded the woman I love... also there is the she cheated on an old boyfriend with his best friend, so then I think someone who does something like, probably could do it again, I mean it is not far fetched to imagine that it could happen to me, then I get mad at myself for not trusting her, but then any possible scenerio between us, where I just have to "take her word" for something, I begin to question her word, knowing her past. But I do trust her now and she gets angry when I talk to her about my jealous feelings - I think too as a guy, I have never really had sex with a female who I didn't respect or care for, so to think that she had numerous meaningless sex forces me to think less of her and I hate that. Some of her stories are so kind of bizarre to me that it's like oh she slept with 12 dudes, it's like she slept with the captain of the football team on a dare or had a three-some with two dudes one of them a Marine..or she had to change bars, because she had already slept with the bartender and every other guy in the place. So take a guy who would be jealous of just an old boyfriend and then throw in the marine, his buddy and a bartender and it's pretty much too much to handle. granted most of the crazy stuff was like 10 years ago, but then I view her as the used vicitim....I also love her and don't want to view her as used or taken advantage of by some guy who was just getting what he could from her to please himself. Also to think that if she currently tells me that these were meaningless acts - then what did she get from it, to do it again and again and again...you can't say I made the same mistake 18 times before I realzied I wasn't getting what I emotionally needed from it..so then that makes me think she enjoyed it and that's the worst part, because she tells me she doesn't remember a lot of it from being drunk and it wasn't good...that's like me saying, I hate playing golf so much but I still go out and do it every weekend...so I think for guys the most disturbing part is that the girl is telling you that it didn't matter, and for us, it really effects how we currently view them and how we have to come to terms with something that really had nothing to do with us - that we were no part of, but now we have to find a way to make peace with something we have no control or part of, so how do you do that? not easy. it' makes me really angry that I have to deal with it to be comfortable in the current relationship and there really isn't much she can do now to make it any better or help me feel better about it. plus then it becomes my problem of why am I making such a big deal about this stuff when we have already been together for so long, get more upset that now I am doing something wrong in our current relationship...i think it is important when i do talk to her, to tell her that I feel bad for the experiences she had and it makes me angry...she really doesn't understand the way a man can be upset by these things, because she understands it from a first hand perspective and they are her choices that she has already had to come to terms with...so she is done dealing with it and I really have no way of handling my feelings about it on my own. I guess it helps some to talk about it and maybe try to put it in perspective that it was probably not the "dirty" occurences that my jealous mind imagines...but some of the acts are just pretty frank things that are not being made into too much by my imagination. I don't know. The only way I see getting past it is by just getting sick of thinking about it or finding a way to find some humor in it and as much as I hate what happened, I am glad that I know the truth of her history, the to always be guessing and wondering what she hasn't told me.
...............................
A
male
reader, Aristotle +, writes (22 February 2008):
I have read this thread and another one on a similar issue many, many times.
I posted in one of them, a real positive post, but since then, I have gone backwards.
I have never been more depressed in my life. I am 25, and I know my gf has had relationship sex, with which I am totally fine with. However, I know of one encounter (just one), where she 'gave up the goods' cheaply.
Someone said it in these threads, that we as men dont have an issue with the fact that women have had sex, its cheap sex that torments us.
My problem is, I knew the guy - my best friend. I remember hi fiving him, having a laugh, your a champion ra ra ra. As boys do. We have a small community, so years later, her and I have been just hi bye friends. We got closer and closer, and got together.
When we hooked up, I knew full well what she did with this fellow in the past. Months down the track, I told her it was eating me up, she was in shock, embarrassed, depressed, etc. The problem is, I remember my friend telling me IN DETAIL what occurred. We all found it funny, and, well, boys will be boys.
My feelings have grown for this girl so much. So has my resentment for what happened. The stronger I feel for her, the stronger the pain is.
The problem is, in our little community, everyone knows everything. I spoke to my friend about it, how its eating me - he feels terrible and assures me it was just 'kids playing about'. His girlfriend, with whom I am great friends with, was outraged at the start, that one of her best friends (me) is going out with that 'chick her man f*cked'. She has mellowed out since, but first impressions last, and it tortures me.
I dont know what to do.
I have made my girl so depressed about it. She loves me more than anyone before - this I know. We both feel so strong about each other. I just cant let it go. I have read all this awesome advice, stories etc., and I still cant stomach it. I did for a while, its just all come back flooding onto me.
I cry, I get upset, I sit and brood, I punish myself in the gym. I never take it out on her. Her and I talk about it non stop, I flood her with my feelings, but have never tried to intentionally make her feel bad about it.
Everything reminds me of the encounter. I remember where she used to live, when my friend did his deeds with her. Whenever I see the street signs to that area, I cringe. Whenever I see other women who I know my friend cheaply did things with (in person, on msn, on facebook, whatever), I cringe, and am bitter towards what young women today have become.
My girl is also at the centre of a heap of rumours from our community, which she assures me are entirely lies. However, I find my trust and faith in this dwindling. She assures me the only intimacy in her life was in relationships, and only one outside - which I happen to know about. I think about this and say 'wow, what a convenient coincidence'. She knows my reactions to hearing these stories and how much it hurts - and I know she would never ever tell me anymore stories, due to my reactions to the one above. I have no choice but to believe her, or die inside and wonder 'what if'. The truth wont come out.
I cant handle this.
I have become suicidal. I dont know what solution there is. If I stay with her, it will forever eat me. If I leave her, I know that I will NEVER find someone this close, important, and on the same wavelength as me. I feel trapped and see absolutely no way out.
I hate myself for not being a man who can handle it. I think of other guys who brush it off, have a laugh, and move on. And they are bigger men than I can ever be. I hate what I see in myself. I hate what I am doing to her. I dont talk to my friends anymore, because they all used to point fingers at her, and made nasty comments (before I dated her). I went into it, knowing all these things. And I saw past it and saw how great she is. I hate that I have done this, and that now I dont talk to them, and am doubting everything.
I hate stressing over this. I hate all of it. Most of all, I hate pulling her along on a string through the muck.
I dont know what to do, and its tearing me up inside. If I just walk off and stop this relationship, I am going to die inside. She is so great, so fantastic, that I cant see that I would ever meet anyone better to me.
She knows that deep down, there are suicidal tendencies in me. She is scared to bits, that I may hurt myself.
I just dont know what to do. I pray daily, that a car will take me out, that I wont wake up, that I will accidentally be shot in a bungled robbery attempt by some criminals, that an accident will happen at work, that some quick acting illness comes over me. All so I dont have to make this decision.
My only advice to people is, if there is a tiny bit of doubt, something bugging you very early on in a relationship, dont get into it. Bail and run immediately.
I cant handle this.
...............................
A
male
reader, Aristotle +, writes (22 February 2008):
I have read this thread and another one on a similar issue many, many times.
I posted in one of them, a real positive post, but since then, I have gone backwards.
I have never been more depressed in my life. I am 25, and I know my gf has had relationship sex, with which I am totally fine with. However, I know of one encounter (just one), where she 'gave up the goods' cheaply.
Someone said it in these threads, that we as men dont have an issue with the fact that women have had sex, its cheap sex that torments us.
My problem is, I knew the guy - my best friend. I remember hi fiving him, having a laugh, your a champion ra ra ra. As boys do. We have a small community, so years later, her and I have been just hi bye friends. We got closer and closer, and got together.
When we hooked up, I knew full well what she did with this fellow in the past. Months down the track, I told her it was eating me up, she was in shock, embarrassed, depressed, etc. The problem is, I remember my friend telling me IN DETAIL what occurred. We all found it funny, and, well, boys will be boys.
My feelings have grown for this girl so much. So has my resentment for what happened. The stronger I feel for her, the stronger the pain is.
The problem is, in our little community, everyone knows everything. I spoke to my friend about it, how its eating me - he feels terrible and assures me it was just 'kids playing about'. His girlfriend, with whom I am great friends with, was outraged at the start, that one of her best friends (me) is going out with that 'chick her man f*cked'. She has mellowed out since, but first impressions last, and it tortures me.
I dont know what to do.
I have made my girl so depressed about it. She loves me more than anyone before - this I know. We both feel so strong about each other. I just cant let it go. I have read all this awesome advice, stories etc., and I still cant stomach it. I did for a while, its just all come back flooding onto me.
I cry, I get upset, I sit and brood, I punish myself in the gym. I never take it out on her. Her and I talk about it non stop, I flood her with my feelings, but have never tried to intentionally make her feel bad about it.
Everything reminds me of the encounter. I remember where she used to live, when my friend did his deeds with her. Whenever I see the street signs to that area, I cringe. Whenever I see other women who I know my friend cheaply did things with (in person, on msn, on facebook, whatever), I cringe, and am bitter towards what young women today have become.
My girl is also at the centre of a heap of rumours from our community, which she assures me are entirely lies. However, I find my trust and faith in this dwindling. She assures me the only intimacy in her life was in relationships, and only one outside - which I happen to know about. I think about this and say 'wow, what a convenient coincidence'. She knows my reactions to hearing these stories and how much it hurts - and I know she would never ever tell me anymore stories, due to my reactions to the one above. I have no choice but to believe her, or die inside and wonder 'what if'. The truth wont come out.
I cant handle this.
I have become suicidal. I dont know what solution there is. If I stay with her, it will forever eat me. If I leave her, I know that I will NEVER find someone this close, important, and on the same wavelength as me. I feel trapped and see absolutely no way out.
I hate myself for not being a man who can handle it. I think of other guys who brush it off, have a laugh, and move on. And they are bigger men than I can ever be. I hate what I see in myself. I hate what I am doing to her. I dont talk to my friends anymore, because they all used to point fingers at her, and made nasty comments (before I dated her). I went into it, knowing all these things. And I saw past it and saw how great she is. I hate that I have done this, and that now I dont talk to them, and am doubting everything.
I hate stressing over this. I hate all of it. Most of all, I hate pulling her along on a string through the muck.
I dont know what to do, and its tearing me up inside. If I just walk off and stop this relationship, I am going to die inside. She is so great, so fantastic, that I cant see that I would ever meet anyone better to me.
She knows that deep down, there are suicidal tendencies in me. She is scared to bits, that I may hurt myself.
I just dont know what to do. I pray daily, that a car will take me out, that I wont wake up, that I will accidentally be shot in a bungled robbery attempt by some criminals, that an accident will happen at work, that some quick acting illness comes over me. All so I dont have to make this decision.
My only advice to people is, if there is a tiny bit of doubt, something bugging you very early on in a relationship, dont get into it. Bail and run immediately.
I cant handle this.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): No wonder women and men deal with this issue in very different ways. Male and female points of view or perception in this matter travel different roads. My personal opinion is base in how women and men perceive sex. Men are hunters by nature, sex turns in to a complete physical experience most of the time, conversely women claim they need to be emotionally involved to reach the highest grade of intimacy. It is amazing going through the web and find hundreds of female opinions is this regard, stating that "the past is the past and is gone". Well I must say that it is not in that way how a human being should live. The past matters and matters alot, because even when we grow up patterns of behavior prevel.My point is, that a human being must have moral principles and values. When those principles are strong it will be very difficult for a women to sleep with a man without know him well or feel any emotional link. I'm not saying that girls must be virgin til they married, that is stupid. I'm just saying that a women that love and respect herself, should consider"sex" when involved in a serious relationship and not have sex just because the typical excuses:" I was so lonely, he was cute , he was very nice and gentil, i was drunk, my boyfriend is an asshole, i was confused, etc.How another poster wrote, women have the power to choose their partners and say YES or say NO. Ladies want to be compared with men about sex life, well of course you can be compared, but then assume your past, do not hide it or try to make it up, telling " it only was experiences of life" "I was so naive and childish" "I though I was in love" " it has not value for me" "it was not important". They say that in the way to have sex, they should be emotionally involved and then they come with all this double standard arguments.Later...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): Ok this question hit home to me in a major way. I am engaged to a girl who is 25 and has been with 10 people before me. One of them may possibly be a close friend of mine. The very idea of her with anyone else with me literally makes my stomach sick. I wrestle with jealousy every day as do you and believe me, it is not fun nor does it make me feel like I'm in a healthy relationship. I really love this girl and I realise that we all have sexual pasts, some are worse then others. I guess we have to look at it this way, she is mines now and whatever she did before simply does not exist now and since we didn't know her then and she had no idea we existed so therefore and as hard as it sounds we have to get past it or find a partner who is a virgin.I am under the firm belief that once we hit our 20's, finding a virgin or close to it is as impossible as finding a women who looks exactly like Paris Hilton LOL. It's hard believe me to live with stuff like this, you are not alone. Some men don't look at this stuff as being a big deal, we do so I guess it comes down to a choice we have to make. Is her soiled past worth letting someone else have her and you finding someone else? For me personaly I love her too much to hold past mistakes against her and if your girl is as loyal to you as mine is to me then let it go and enjoy her and her body as much as you can and also remember to be thankful she is yours now. Obviously the men she slept with before don't compare to you or she would still be with them. Having said this I cringe every time I think of another assholes hands all over her or her enjoying it but we need to be confident in what we do to her and always believe we are erasing those memories out of her head every time we give her pleasure.Remember man, you are her man and she chose you over those other losers. Be proud and content with yourself and her. I hope this helps. I'm sure we could help each other with this, if not good luck man and enjoy your girl tonight and to hell with her ex's!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): The thing that kills me with my gf is that when I go to see her family and we go out for a drink or two where she used to live, I can't help but think how many guys we're going out with she's done stuff with - "how many guys have tried my girlfriend in the room"? It's hard to deal with........
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): You are most definitely not alone. I saw your post aerlier this year saying you were better, and I have to say that gives me hope as well. I am dealing with my girlfriend's past as well.I have to say that since it started bothering me I have gotten a lot better. And that is only after about 7 months of it bothering me (we've been dating for 11, and I knew most of the things in the beginning but wanted to give it a chance). If there is anything I've learned it is this: it's not as bad as it seems. No matter what they did, it is not as bad as your mind makes it out to be. Life is way too short to worry about these things and I am realizing that more and more each day. And, the more you learn about it the more you realize it's not that big of a deal. Humans have sex. The pressures people and the media put on celibacy vs. promiscuity are not worth paying attention to. In the end it is your own feeling on the matter. Put it this way: if you didn't love the girl so much, would you care this much? and, if you didn't love the girl so much, would you try to change your thoughts so much?We have a lot more control over our minds than we think. It is our mind, and it is up to us to change it if need be. Think of how limited one would be if they were to JUDGE a mate based on their past. I say judge because all in all it is a judgement. One that affects the one judging but still a judgement. I learned this when my girlfriend asked about my past. As small as mine is, it bothers her too, and that's what made me realize I should stop worrying about hers. She has much more physical experience than me, but we are both in our first real serious relationship. She is jealous of the fact that I even had an emotional connetion to another girl. It doesn't bother her enough to let it stand in the way of our relationship, though. And, her physical past shouldn't bother me enough to stand in the way of it either.I could go on and on but the bottom line is that it is you who makes the decision in the end. Think about why you feel like you do, and ask if it is really you thinking these things or if it is influences that have been put on you your whole life. I am not speaking as someone who has gotten past this, but I am speaking as someone who is on the road to getting past it and as someone who WILL get past it.Have confidence in yourself!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): Well i love the internet.I went through the same recently and i actually thought i was alone in this since i did not want to talk openly to friends about it.
Reading thru i see its a way common thing and realise it was a human feeling especially with men.
I had in the past about 11 relationships sexually.My fiancee had 14 we are both early 30s.One of her's was a threesome which she got head from a girl but "chickened "out when it came to the guy doing her after doing the other girl(ok bit graphical but might as well say it).Same as most it was experimenting.
Now weirdly enough she was the one to bring up talking about the past relationships.I asked her why and she said she wanted to know all about me and me and about her since she fallen in love.
At that point i was frankly not in love and decided to tell it all.
It did not hurt me one bit at all.In short i knew her ex was still calling her trying to get back after over 1 year of them spliting.She tells me what he says everytime.It at that point did not bother me one bit.
Then boom i feel in love with her after a few months and then it bothered me .At first i used to tell myself i was the most selfish man in the world who was so happy to screw other girls but now feel bad that other men did same to the woman i love.
However,after realising i was certainly not alone ,i then sat back and thought about it.How much do i love her?The answer was a lot and then i began to realise the past does not matter and i gain something from it.If she had not had the past relationships then i would not have such a understanding and sexually amazing relationship.
I also realised that i can trust her.You know why?Because she was open and willing to volunteer everything to me.She could have easily lied and said she had 1 person ever before me.She also risked a lot by bringing it up.I could have walked out the door and she knew at that point i have not fallen in love with her.
She also comes from a strict family and risked by giving my ammo to use against her in future.
To me she opened up on everything to keep no secrets between us.
So slowly i came to terms with it and love her even more for her honesty.But i was still bothered about her ex calling even though i trusted her but mainly because he did not want to be friends with her but looking to get back and was phoning to see if there was "trouble in paradise".
The next step when i was comfortable was to ask why she still let him call since he is trying to chase her still.
She was actually heartbroken that i been feeling bad all this months and said nothing.She is a very polite person and found it hard to tell him to stop calling because he was there during a bad time of her life and helped her thru it .
But there kicks in the love.By pure chance just we finished the conversation and went cooking(i was with her all the time so she could not have called him first and he lives 900 miles away) he called.In a way maybe i timed it since he always calls once a week on that day in the evening.
she picked up the phone and kept it on speaker.She talked to him naturally and he came up with his usual "how is the other guy" " you know i am still there for you if you need me" "i have changed" etc.
Then she said "i told you a while ago that its over and i rather be alone then be with you"(the transitional era she was in before we met).And he said "i know".
Then she said "my fiancee is not comfortable with you calling and thus i am not.this is goodbye forever" and then hanged up.
This gesture just made me feel special.
Bottom line i will take this girl anyday over a virgin thank you.She is everything i wanted.
You just need to work thru it and then you will find out its worth it!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007): I have recently gone through this problem as well...I'm 31 and have dated here and there, had a casual fling here and there, and had one crazy experience with multiple women in my early 20's that I tried for experiment's sake and realized was not for me. well, over the last few months, I've completely fell for a girl for the first time in my life, and it really does skew any sense of rationality or logic, something that I thought would never happen to me.
One night we were exchanging stories about our past, something that I never thought would bother me and never had before, but again, love skews that quite a bit. I told her about my one threesome experience, and she then told me that she had one of her own, and I bugged out. so it basically was like "hey I did this" - "oh yeah I did too" - "WHAT!?!?!"...I mean, totally hypocritical, and logically it was completely unfair of me. but emotions kicked in in a way that I was not prepared for.
When it comes down to it, no matter how liberated or intellectual we think we are, we as guys have a tendency to think about both women and sex in unrealistic extremes. Women are either faceless T&A, or they're your mom and wife, and that's about it. Sex is the same way - it's either completely animalistic (i.e. sex with a "slut") or it's completely personal (i.e. sex with your girlfriend/wife). and these extremes are magnified when you're in love. so guys tend to view the sex that they have with their girlfriend as a completely different entity altogether than the "slut" sex that their girlfriend must have been having before them, and instinctively cheapen it and feel that their girlfriend must have been "used" or "victimized" in their previous experiences. therefore, even though my group experience was akward, short-lived, and in retrospect funny and totally insignificant, I'm creating this elaborate porno scene in my head when I envisioned hers.
Women are much, much more realistic on this issue - and hence this is why guys almost have to be the "pursuers" and women the "decision makers" when it comes to sex. Whereas guys make this instant transition from primal sex to "sacred" sex once they fall for a girl, women do not have such a simple transition - women are much more complicated sexually and guys need to realize and understand that that simple A to B path isn't there for them - it's much more like a puzzle. So don't automatically assume that she was just going around whoring and "being used" before she met you - if she's a smart girl, chances are she knew what she was doing and was just assembling the pieces to that puzzle - and remember, if the sex you're having now is awesome, realize that her being in touch with her own sexuality is a big reason why.
So - my solution is just talk about it with her. That's what I did, and when I did, I realized that the actuality of what happened was completely different than what I had in mind (basically, it was the same as my situation - a couple of naive kids trying something once, and after five minutes realizing that they were opening a can of worms bigger than they had imagined). I mean, really, 14 guys at 32 is nothing, especially for someone who's never been married - I mean, that's only one per year if she lost her virginity at a normal age. so it's not like she was regularly sleeping around. I'm not saying get physical details, but maybe ask her about the most recent situation that she was in and find out what she was thinking, what caused it, etc. - ask whatever questions that you need to have answered. it might hurt a little but it will most certainly be better than what you're replaying in your head...and hopefully you won't care. Or think back about the three that you had - and how (hopefully) insignificant those three are to you now. realize that although you may see sex as "sacred", the only thing that matters here is that you and her both see the sex that you are CURRENTLY having as "sacred," and that she might not be exactly like you and was perfectly capable at THAT POINT in time of having what I'm assuming is a little bit of recreational, healthy sex and that the only one putting a negative or "dirty" spin on that is you. I mean, I didn't fall truly in love until my 30's - do people really expect a girl in that same situation to remain completely celibate and not at least casually date until that age? realize that this isn't fairy tale land, realize that although you might not be the only one, you're the best one.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Just wondering how not only what you said would bother you, but my to-be had just had a menage a trois and is 29. There's no excuse. She's not a teen, so I don't buy the bullsh!t of 'curiosity!' Just knowing she's been muff-diving makes me want to puke. Then there's the multiple other men she was drilling on the side. I'm to now believe all that's going to stop because 'oh, I'm a great man.' Somehow . . . I, alone, am enough for her to drop the promiscuity and make her realize that the sucking, flogging, and indifferent sexual attitude she held will just be purged because of me, me, wonderful me? What do you think?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Just wondering how not only what you said would bother you, but my to-be had just had a menage a trois and is 29. There's no excuse. She's not a teen, so I don't buy the bullsh!t of 'curiosity!' Just knowing she's been muff-diving makes me want to puke. Then there's the multiple other men she was drilling on the side. I'm to now believe all that's going to stop because 'oh, I'm a great man.' Somehow . . . I, alone, am enough for her to drop the promiscuity and make her realize that the sucking, flogging, and indifferent sexual attitude she held will just be purged because of me, me, wonderful me? What do you think?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): I understand you well man. My ex was with ONE guy, BUT the fact she met a 30 yr old man online and within a few days let him take her virginity...well that says enough right there doesnt it? Not just that, but he was cheating on his fiance with her and she kept his old condom wrappers as memories of good times. So she let a cheating man pop her cherry and kept the condoms to never forget him, but i shouldnt feel bad because "He never touched me like you do or makes me feel like you do" yeah thats awesome but yknow, I cant trust you now. You have no morals, no line to stop you from opening your legs for man #2 or #3, so you love me now but what if you think my friend is hot or makes u feel good or u let some gropey stranger touch you better than I have? Shes a slut, let her go and find a foreign cultured woman who has some decency and still sees her body as a treasure.
...............................
A
male
reader, Chicago1  +, writes (31 August 2007):
I can sympathize with you completely. I too have fallen in love with a women who has had a slew of liaisons over the years before we met. And not a day goes by that thoughts of her promiscuous past doesn’t cross my mind.
The “right” for women to have a sexual past just as their male counterparts is not the issue. Women enjoy sex just as much as men. And this is only natural. However, women, have complete control over the whole sexual encounter. Sex happens ONLY if THEY want it to. Men must ask for permission. Women need only say yes or no. And it is in this fact alone that men have issues with finding out that the women they love have had a great deal of sexual partners before them. For the one you have fallen in love with to have deemed a great number of men worthy of sharing that kind of intimacy with them in some way or another makes their current mate feel a little insignificant at times.
Having said this, I have taken great comfort in knowing that my girlfriend, who takes pride in the knowledge that she has always been in complete control of her sexuality, and the number of men she has shared that with, has found ME to be the one that has allowed the memory of those before to fade into nothingness. Though I am only one of many who has had sex with her over the course of her life, I’m the only one she feels to be worthy of spending the rest of her life with.
She has asked me to marry her. YES. SHE asked. My girlfriend is a realist. And knowing that she has reached a point in her life that she is willing to forsake all others and spend the rest of her life with only me has helped me grasp a new understanding on sex and love.
Her sexual past bothers me a lot. But like I previously stated; I take great comfort in knowing that , though I have qualms about the life she lead before me, I know that her past experiences have lead her to realize that , when all is said and done, there is ONE man or women out there that completes us.
The road one travels to reach this understanding, at least for some, may have a great deal of twists, turns, and crossroads, ups and downs, that help us become the person that we are today. My girlfriend has walked away from a lot of previous relationships and turned down a lot of men who wanted more than just a “one night rodeo” with her. Her willingness to “fall in love” has come from this road she has walked thus far.
You, my friend, like me, may never be able to get the thoughts of previous liaisons out of your head. It is again, the man in us that finds these thoughts troublesome at times. But know that if she is the right one for you, the thoughts that go through your mind will change from “disgust”, per say, to one of complete understanding and acceptance.
Leave the past in the past. And know nothing but the future with the one you love.
Peace out!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2007): If you look at the section on "wifes past" on this site you will read about husbands still suffering what you are going through after forty years of marriage. I presume you,re not up for this mental torture. The only solution to this problem therefore is for you to split with this woman and from then on , be firmly resolved not to end up marrying a non virgin. One partner , a thousand partners , it makes no difference , the damage is done now.
I know it's not easy finding virgins and you may have to comprimise with a future spouses looks or whatever , you might have to step down a league or two , and make an effort to meet lots of different women who are not only virgins but compatible too and you will also have the problem of verifying that she is a virgin but it is better to do this than end up with forty years of raging jealousy , hell I bet it knocks years of your life. I did all this and found a virgin wife , and now , looking back , it was hard spliting up from the non virgins but it was worth it in the end. Thing of yourself first , I know you love your girlfriend. There are plenty of men out there who dont care what a woman has done before then so , given these feelings you have , its best to stick with virgin girls. With a virgin wife ,you will have none of these feelings and your mind will be free to enjoy the relationship for what it is in a pure form.
good luck , whatever you decide
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): Wow! This is my life right now. I am 37 dating a 43 year old divorced man. I have never been married and had a very fun adventurous life. I never thought of my sex life as being over and above until I met this guy. He makes me feel horrible about my past and not just my relationships, he hates anything that I have done without him! I can't talk about my travels or even old friends because he is sure that I have had sex with all of them and in all the places I've been. One minute he wants to know everything and the next he holds it over my head. I really love him and have for 2 1/2 years but I will say that tonight may have been enough to end it! Out of nowhere he brings this crap up and expects me to understand how he feels. I DON'T! I am not a jealous person and have to deal with his ex almost on a daily basis as he also has 2 boys with her. If you really love her seek some counseling on how to deal with it. I don't see it getting better and the person that he said he fell in love with is withering away. Seek help and cut her some slack, she wouldn't be who she is today without her past and that is the person you fell for, remember |
