A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 32 and my boyfriend is 38. I love and adore him, and am certain that I want to build a future with him. I know he feels the same way. The problem is that I've betrayed his trust by lying to him a few months ago, and once again recently. The first time was a situation where a guy that I had casually dated about 10 years ago found me on Facebook and we exchanged about 10 messages. The messages were not flirtatious, just catching up. My boyfriend found the messages (several weeks after we had stopped corresponding) and when said something about them to me, I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. Obviously, that was a lie. Denying it was my knee-jerk reaction. He was very hurt and I lost his trust. We worked through it and there were ups and downs. I gave my boyfriend access to my Facebook in an attempt for him to regain my trust. I didn't have anything to hide and I thought this was a way for us to work through it and to regain his trust. Last week, while perusing my Facebook, he was about to see in my history that I had been frequently searching a different guy that I had dated. He confronted me about it, and asked why I had been doing it. I don't have a good answer. Curiosity? Habit? I admit I was curious, but I am 100% satisfied with my boyfriend and have no interest in starting something with this other guy. There were no messages exchanged, or any other interactions - only that I had been frequently looking up this particular guy. Looking back, putting myself in my boyfriend's shoes, I see how devastating and hurtful that was. I see how it would make him feel that I'm hung up on this guy. I was being curious and it didn't occur to me that it would hurt my boyfriend. I do see that now, but it is too late. He left me. He said that he loves me, that we are great together and that I'm the greatest thing that has ever come into his life. But he has given me other chances to be truthful and to regain his trust and I have failed him again.We recently applied for a mortgage together and both wanted to get married and start a life together. I am devastated that I have caused so much damage to our relationship. I am truly sorry for what I have done and the hurt that I have caused. I would do anything for another chance at our relationship. I understand his position and that he can't trust me. But I also don't want to walk away from a relationship where we're both still in love. I don't know what to do.
View related questions:
facebook, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2014): I'm the OP.
No, I did NOT message the guy I had been looking up or anything like that. I do not have any romantic interest in him whatsoever, even though it may seem otherwise by my action of looking him up.
I was in a previous relationship about five years ago which was probably emotionally abusive. My ex-boyfriend would constantly check up on me and do beyond bizarre things. That's another story, but it got to the point where he once showed up at my office to make sure I was actually at work, and he even tapped my cell phone. It left me damaged, I guess to the point where I sometimes feel the need to lie about trivial things because I'm afraid that they will be misconstrued, etc. I've tried to explain this to my current boyfriend but he just tell me that he is not my ex and that doesn't give me reason to lie to him. I know that's true. I'm finally - it took a while - but I'm learning that I really can tell my current BF anything and he doesn't get upset or judge me. He only gets upset when I am untruthful.
So, he only left me for two hours. He came back and things have been hot and cold since then. He asked me to go see the fireworks on July 4th, and we did. He held me, kissed me and told me he loves me. The next day, we got along pretty well. Didn't really talk too much about the "problem" and went to see fireworks again that night. It was pretty normal. That night, he woke up in the middle of the night, around 3AM and asked me a few questions about the guy that I had been searching online. The next day, yesterday, I asked him if he would come with me to run our Sunday errands and he said OK. So we were out running errands for a few hours, during which he was rather distant. When we got home, he brought up the issues again and we did some talking. Nothing really new, just kinda rehashing everything. He told me that he doesn't think that he can get over this and that we have a great relationship, he'll never find anyone else like me, he loves me but that our relationship is likely damaged beyond repair.
We spent an hour or so going back and forth between arguing and me crying and telling him that I don't want to give up on us. Finally, I just walked away and went to bed. He came in and tried to talk to me, but I was cold to him. He got into bed and cuddled me, held me and told me that he still loves me.
I've been in relationships before, but I've never felt like this. I've loved people, but I've never been IN love. I want a future with him - a house, a family, all that stuff. I know he feels the same. I know I messed up and hurt him really bad. I am ashamed and am beside myself for causing him so much pain. All I have to offer him at this point are my words and they are worthless at this point.
I don't know what to do now. He's telling me that he doesn't think he can get over this, but wouldn't he have left already? I'm so scared that he's going to break up with me and throw away what could be an incredible lifetime together.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): I agree with the other comments that this story does not add up. Something else is being left out. I sense more lies/mistrust problems than just what is mentioned here.
Snooping is like hitting another person. Its wrong when done first. But its very right and necessary when done in self-defense after they have provoked it.
...............................
A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (5 July 2014):
 Hi,
I have seen this from both sides in my friends lives, in emails I reply to (a lot more than you would think). The messages weren't flirtatious you assert, but the knee-jerk reaction of lying doesn't ring true.
In this case, I think something was caught in the messages, something you thought your partner had seen and so you lied about all of them.
Then you mention you did another "Oops" more recently. You were searching for someone you dated.
Again, you lied about it. So, either you did more than search for them, or you actually also messaged them.
The problem with breaking trust, is it takes a hell of a lot more effort to rebuild than it did to break. Your boyfriend has reached breaking point. He will be thinking, OK that's twice that I know of.
Maybe you've done it more than twice, I suspect you have and that's why your action is always to lie and deny.
As for the people saying, he broke your trust, given that you have lied twice, what was he expected to do trust you when he asked about it?
If it took him invading your privacy to catch you in a lie, then I have no issue with him invading it. It is obvious you weren't going to volunteer the information readily.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 July 2014):
 HOLD ON A SECOND. How exactly did he find messages from you to an ex? He snooped on you? How is that not a breach of YOUR trust? He needs to own that, and it's not cool to rifle through your messages and private correspondence.
And now he's gone so far as to comb through your search history as well and question you on it? NO! That's downright controlling, and DO NOT GET A MORTGAGE with him before you marry him! MARRIAGE FIRST.
Change your facebook password and all other passwords he has. You're not married, and it's not his business to be snooping on you at will. Should you have told him that your ex contacted you to catch up with you? I would have because that's what I'd have preferred a boyfriend to tell me. But you didn't cheat or flirt or betray the relationship. Instead, his invasion of your privacy put you on the defensive. Yes, you should have told the truth, but I would have torn my boyfriend a new one, changed my password, and told him that if he ever pulled a stunt like snooping again, it's over and he's on the curb.
Snooping betrays trust. He betrayed YOUR trust. You aren't married. You didn't cheat on him. He doesn't have a RIGHT to any of your private correspondence, and his insecurity doesn't entitle you to lose your privacy by bending over backwards to accommodate him.
Don't lie again, and don't let him be controlling like this. He's destroying YOUR trust even more than you've destroyed his. You can search to see how an ex is doing out of curiosity. I have before. All of us have history.
But DO NOT EVER get a mortgage without being married. HE caused this damage, not you. If he wants to try to emotionally punish you, throw him out. Seriously. He's being emotionally abusive to you and you're rolling over like a kicked dog and saying "It's my fault!"
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 July 2014):
 Everyone have their limits to what they will tolerate on a partner. My guess is your BF had enough, he might have felt that it was more of a pattern then a couple of ooops.
Personally, I can see both sides. I can see talking to an ex, but I don't get the "knee jerk" lying thing. Since you had nothing to hide.. why lie? Has he accused you of stuff before or what? Lying actually makes no sense in that case.
The second one looking up an ex, yea curiosity will get the most of us, I don't know many people who can say they have NEVER looked up an ex, even if they didn't TALK to her/him they might have looked at the person's Facebook page. I have to say that I'm guilty of this, just last week I looked up my last BF (before I met my husband) and this guy was an utter jerk for whatever reason I got curious and looked him up - petty of me I was glad to see that he is fat, unemployed and divorced (again). It was like getting to see the after effects of Karma. I have NO interest in the ex.
And I DO think your BF overreacted on that one. But again, if he felt that this was a pattern for you, he might not want to go down that road.
My guess is there was more to him leaving then these two minor "infractions".
All in all, I would give him some space. And if he wants to talk I would suggest you ASK him WHAT you can do to help rebuild the trust you tore down.
If he doesn't WANT to talk or rekindle stuff, well learn from it and move on.
...............................
|
