A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 24 yeare old male. I got married about 3 and a half years ago. Within the last year I feel that my marrage has realy taken some difficult hits, and I just feel like I need to vent or gain some perspective on feelings I am having.The history:I was born into a very religious family, premarital sex was baisically the equivelent of death, so I never slept with anyone other than my wife(after marrage). About a year ago I became an atheist through reading and soul searching, for months i hid it from her untill finally I came out and told her. Baisically she left me on the spot and we were seperated for weeks.I was devastaed, I never felt so hurt. I was honestly toying with the idea of suicide during that time. Our marriage was literaly perfect one moment, and gone the next. Over the corse ofa few months she came back and left a few times, all because I couldn't belive. Finally after I came home to her leaving me again I stood on the top of a tall buildin and dangled my feet over the edge.I don't feel like I have had very many specific defining moments in my life, but when I sat there contemplating eternal silence something vame over me. I realized how foolish I was and how I didn't wasnt to die. It became clear to me that I could live without her, though it would be hard... (nobody that knows my name knows that, just incase you thought I was trying to manipulate her) I came back home and decided to let her go. But as fate would have it over time she came back, and over this past year she has left the faith that had encouraged her to divorce me, and baisically apologised for how she had acted. Saying she could not live without me.Things were very rough for a while, I was hurt and angry, and it took her a while for her to come to terms with my atheism. It would seem on the outside that we are no longer fighting and we get along as we did before. But I just haven't felt the same cince this whole thing happened, and in the past few months it is getting bad to the point I am very worried...Before this I had never thought of my life without her. She forced me to come to terms to a life witout her. I feel like my love for her is fading, and I just don't know what to do. What almost makes it worse is that I don't think she has any idea how i'm feeling. Like i said on the surface things are better than they have been sice she left, but I jsut don't feel as attracted to her. I feel horrible, dirty and wretched for saying this, but I just can't stop fantisising myslef with other women. Not only sexually, but emotionally, I wonder what it would be like to be in anoter relationship, or what my life would have been like if I had dated other people. Obviously everyone has fleeting thoughts, but mine had never been this serious or prehaps... ...longing.Things are bothering me that Haven't before.. ..she doean't give me oral anymore, despite my full willingnes to go down on her. She complains of tmj, which is a legitamate excuse, but I can't help missing it, and I bat away the notion that I know she has had the problem in the past and would find a way around it. Also she has gained weight since we got married, I have tired to be a understanding husband and try to ecourage her in nice ways to care about her health but she doean't put in much effort. I work very hard and maintaining myself, I have put on a substantial amount of muscle cince we got married and kept my body fat low. But I have to watch her have desert every day and listen to her come up with excuses when I ask her if she would like to work out with me or do something phisical. I know everyone thinks that I am really shallow right now, but I have come to terms with it that this is important to me. I had no idea my wife was going to change her eating habits becae she got married, and i feel like i go out of my way to do things that she reminds me are important to her(daily romantic texts, ocasional flowers, massages, making her fell special exct) but she wo't do the one little thing that she knows would really mean alot to me.The bigest thing still remaining is the fact that she left me like she did. I was recently talking to a freind about it, and I kinda realized I still havent forgiven her. I have told her I did, and perhaps I even felt I did in the confused emotions of relif from having her back. But I am still bitter and angry about it. If she really loved me she would have never left oover such a stupd thing. I would have never left her had she become an atheist and I remaind religious. Or if she changed religions exct.. So I have been trying to deal with all this. I havent talked to her, and I feel like she has no idea. Like I said before, on the outside we get along, I don't ever bring up these issues, and We don't fight or quarrrel and we still enjoy being together. But my mind just wanders, and I think of other women, and if they would like me, or if they would find me interesing. I fantasise about having sex with other woman, and think about what it would be like and how my life was diffrent.But I don't wan't to sleep with other women, and I don't wan't to be with someone else. right.......?I havent cheated on my wife and I don't intend to. I have been trying to deal with this by being extra nice to her. Doing things to try and spark our relationship up again. The whole love her more, so you will love her more aproach... But I feel that so much of this is in my head, and that I need some help. I am a man, and by nature my symptoms can be expected, but I got to find I way to resolve these conflicts..Any advise?has anyone had similar feelings in a relationship?Is there someting I could try to make me feel more for my wife?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): It's totally understandable to not want our wife to be fat. It's unnatractive and dangerous for your health.
Also, you have the choice to practice any belief you hold close to you, if others can't accept you fr who you are then they don't deserve you. It took you a lot of guts to tell her
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): It sounds like the difference between you and your wife is that you are interested in determining who you want to be in an individual sense, and she is not at all interested. It's probably why you questioned your faith, take care of yourself, and why you are curious about having relationships other women. It sounds like you want to grow and evolve as a person. This may be an unorthodox belief, but I think a healthy person and a peron who values their life will at some point contemplate suicide...only because they need to know why life is meaningful to them...obviously you discovered your life has meaning beyond her.She on the other hand like sounds as if she defines herself by social conventions, which may explain the early marriage, leaving you because you lost your faith (a social brand), and ultimatly, why she probably took you back because it was too scary to be alone. Marriage to you may be more comfortable than having to figure who she is as an individual.I don't think it will ever be that easy to rebuild the trust that was broken between you. A friend of mine was dumped by a boy in university because he wanted to go back to his christian girl friend in his hometown. After she realized she had just spent a year being his interim girl friend and was casually disposed of, she became very depressed for about a year. She was miserable, lost alot of weight, and I didn't see much of her. Though, they eventually got back together and they have been together seven years, but she always remembers it and at some level, she doesn't trust him...even though he jumped through hoops to win her back. They are a pretty happy couple now, but ultimately, I think it worked, because they both had go through the work of being an individual. Honestly, I don't believe you will stay with her...I think at this point it's a question of how you leave her. You don't sound like you want to cheat on her, but it sounds like you want out. It sounds like you want a relationship where you do more than just tolerate the other person...in all honesty, she might be tolerating you too and quietly wishing she were with someone who shared her religous views. Maybe couples therapy?Even from a pastor or priest? It might help her open up her feelings? It doesn't sound like either of you are really fulfilled by the marriage, but both of you are young and will have a lot more opportunities.Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Basically you married very young, before you really fully knew what you wanted out of life. Of course you thought you knew at the time but through the late teens and early 20s you can change at great deal. I think this is what has happened here. You were not able to get out and experience life to the full before you committed to marriage and now you are curious about the things that you missed out on and both you and your wife are developing but not in the same direction. If you both want to stay together you need to get some counseling so that you can both fully realise what you need to do. Someone who can work with both of you will be best placed to help you through this. Sadly though, sometimes marriages just don't work but you sound as if youy are willing you give it a good go.
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A
male
reader, soon567  +, writes (29 December 2010):
You listed more excuses then anyone on here. You felt that she abandon you selfishly, you can't forgive that, you need to tell her exactly how you feel and come to a solution. You're looking for excuses to end this marriage. Start by talking to her!
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