A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This problem may be differant to what you normally help with... I am 18 years old and have never been in a relationship. Now that isn't the problem, because I DON'T want to be in one (not just now, but ever... I wont talk about why, because it's hard to explain.)But for a long time now, there has been a girl i've had feelings for. She doesn't return them, which again isn't the problem, as i don't want to be in a relationship. The problem is that the situation keeps making me feel really jealous and depressed, and i hate feeling like that. I moved away quite a while ago, and today saw a picture of her with another boy. Even though it's been nearly a year since i've seen her, and it doesn't mentally bother me at all, i couldn't help but feel jealous once again (which was extremly depressing, as i thought i had gotten past it). My question is, how do i get past this? I've tried everything, from telling her how i feel (advice of a friend) to self-harming whenever i feel jealous about it, in an attempt to train my body to not feel that certain way about her. Any help would be greatly appreciated, as i've tried everything i can think of to lose these feelings for her. But they're still there and continue to make me feel miserable, even though i don't want a girlfriend and really have no problems with her being with other boys (sort of feels like my mind and body are in seperate states, if that makes sense).
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 Okay, thanks for posting more information but I see you have emailed me about this too so I'll answer on there okay?
Eve
A
female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (6 March 2007):
 I think you`re very confused, and I think that you know that. I am VERY concerned about your depression and Self-Harming. Please please make an appointment with a doctor or therapist, there IS help out there, but you have to make the first step. Being able to talk to someone who is not involved can be a great help, to be able to talk openly & honestly will unburden your mind too. Sometimes, when we`re stressed, the whole world seems to sit on our shoulders; and it`s difficult to know which way to turn, and what to think. I think you perhaps may have some issues, private to yourself, that if you could share with your doc or therapist, may enable you to feel more comfortable, and then, and only then, you will be able to sort out the situation with this girl whom you think about often. Please let me know how you get on, Kind Regards, Heather.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): Thank you for showing interest Eve :). (i'm hoping this is the right place to reply).
Well i've had crushes before this, but like i've mentioned i'm not eager to be in a relationship, so i just ignored them and went on with my life. The feelings i have for this girl are like that but feel a LOT stronger.
I told her over the internet (i'd moved by this time, so i couldn't tell her in person like i would have preferred) and so it's hard to know how she felt, her words were along the lines of "Oh, ok that's cool" then i was the one that brought up afterwards that i knew she didn't feel the same way. She tried to cheer me up then with the whole "there's more fish in the sea" speech (she isn't aware that i don't want any fish so to speak lol). I still talk to her sometimes over the internet and phone and she is ALWAYS the one who initiates the conversations, if that makes a differance.
As for why i feel this way about her, i've been trying to figure that out for myself. I knew her a long while before i had these feelings for her, but they only came when i got to know her better. So it seems like it's something to do with her personality and not a desire of lust. I find i don't find myself thinking about things of sex and that nature about her, but more about wanting to spend time with her and have her attention.
Like i said earlier, these feelings only came about after i got to know her. I just find her to be really friendly and caring. For example when i was suffering from depression a year ago, she was always there trying to get me to tell her what was wrong, so that she could help me.
As for not wanting be in a relationship... It's just something i've always felt i didn't want. I'm not entirely sure why, but i think it feels like i'm being forced into it by my instincts. I mean it's suppossedly "natural" to find a partner and have sex and that... but in my mind i don't want that, yet it seems my body and hormones etc are trying to force me to do so. It feels like i'm being controlled and don't have a choice on what my priorities in life are. I was driving the other day, and whilst stopped at the traffic light i looked out at the streets and saw an endless amount of couples shopping, and the thought of being part of that made me sick, it seemed like everyone's indivuality had been lost by the fact we were all sort of programmed to have the same goal in life.
It's hard to explain without getting too philoshopical really, but what i think i'm trying to get at, is that if i do end up in a relationship, i'll know deep down that it isn't what i want. (I guess you could say i'd feel like a slave to a higher power, instints/nature/god etc) and that's the kind of thing that will torment me for life. Which is why i'm so annoyed and frustrated that i can't get over this girl. (Also it may be worth mentioning, that the thought of most relationships revolving around sex, really makes it seem un-special to me).
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 March 2007):
What exactly ARE the feelings you have for her? What did she say when you told her how you felt? What is it about this girl that draws you... what is the pull? Why is it you don't ever want to be in a relationship? How did this come about?
Please get back to me (either here or through email) with the answers to these questions so that I can continue to help you with your problem and give you the best advice possible.
Eve
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