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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi all, just looking for a bit of advice on this one as myself and all my close friends are stumped! Basically I met this guy last summer and we were meeting for about 2 months. He initiated everything but he told me that he had literally just broken up with his ex after she cheated on him. I backed off because I thought it was too soon, but he insisted that he was fine. He was very up and down with me - one minute full on then pulling back. I'd rather be upfront in relationships so I called him on his behaviour and he admitted he probably wasn't ready. We ended things fairly civilly. Anyway, its been about 6 months, and he's always been in the background. I dated somebody, got a promotion and generally carried on living, but he's always message me and keep in touch. Messages were never initiated by me and they were only ever friendly. Recently we've been having more in depth talks, and he told me he suffers from anxiety. I empathised and he gave me advice on some stuff too. We met up last week for the first time since we called it a day, and we both seemed to 'light up' when we saw each other. He gave me a massive hug and we talked for most of the night. He told me that he hadn't been ready before and that was the only reason he acted the way he did when we were meeting. He also said that he loves how he can talk to me, and how I respond. He also hinted that he was ready for a relationship. Since then, he has become distant again. We still talk but its usually light hearted and he disappears mid convo. He's really hurt me as more than anything, I enjoyed having his friendship back and now I feel as though he's taking it away. I don't know whether to take it personally or whether it is his personality. H is also 2 years younger than me so that could possibly be a factor. I am not a needy person but I feel like I need an explanation. HELP!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): OP again - great thanks for the advice :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 May 2014):
 You CAN tell him, that you aren't looking for a new friend or relationship and feel it's better to cut the contact as the two of you had no deep connection nor friendship. ( You can phase however you feel is BEST - that was just a suggestion)
I'd always go for an honest explanation over some "let's be friends" (but never talk) statement. But I wouldn't OVER-explain either. You really don't OWE him any explanation. BUT it can be helpful in making sure he doesn't keep popping in and out of your life when it's convenient for HIM.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): Hi, I'm the OP. Thanks for all your advice! One question though, if I cut contact, which seems right, and he tries talking should I blank him, or at least give an explanation of why I can't continue to be in his life?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 May 2014):
I think there is more going on with him then anxiety. He might not be aware of it, he might not feel he knows you well enough to share. Or he might STILL be dealing (or rather, NOT dealing) with the break up.
He is blowing hot and cold because he isn't sure, but would like you have you as a back-up.
And it has NOTHING to do with you. THIS is who he is.
IF I were you, I'd cut the contact because IT IS holding you back from finding a guy who WANTS you for you. A guy who doesn't have as much baggage, who KNOWS what he wants.
He is too much of a yo-yo.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (6 May 2014):
He sounds unstable to me. He needs to get over his personal issues before getting into a relationship. I wouldn't get involved with him. Friendships work both ways. It is not a one way street.
There are so many people out there to meet and have a good solid relationship. This guy is not for you in either a friendship or boyfriend material.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (5 May 2014):
He enjoyed the chase but knows that this would be over if he decided to be with you. Just let him get on with it, he is still not ready to settle. He just wanted to touch base and I am sure you made him feel better because he really likes you. But that is where it ends, he doesn't want a relationship. It doesn't mean anything bad, it is just a shame that he hurt your feelings.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (5 May 2014):
 He sounds like he blows hot and cold. Either way I would be wary of this guy. You don't want to get drawn in again and end up being hurt. Sounds as if he got back in touch because he was down and needed a boost. Now he is back into the shadows. He clearly doesn't know what he wants and its not fair on you to keep coming and going while he decides. I certainly wouldn't take this personally, I would move on. Hard I know but its not fair on you. Either he wants you or he doesn't. He cant spend all this time tooing and froing. Lifes too short really. If he has anxiety, maybe commitment issues and possibly other problems surrounding his ex cheating, then it sounds as if is very confused and willing to play with your emotions. This is nothing you have done, it simply sounds like he is not ready for a relationship but wants more than simply being friends. That is never going to work really.
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