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I am in love with my brother-in-law what should I do?

Tagged as: Cheating, Family, Forbidden love, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 April 2008) 12 Answers - (Newest, 26 April 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

ok here i go. I am in love with my brother in law. i was married for 4 years it was a rocky relationship everytime we argued my husband said he wanted a divorce. around september last year i met my brother in law for the first time ever. i dint think anything at this time. in december i found out that my husband was having an affair with another woman so we split up. i was 100% faithful to my husband all throughout or rocky relationship. I started to speak on the phone with my brother in law and go down and visit him ( i have 7 brother in laws who I talked to eaqualy at this time )

Any way we ended up going out for a drink and we flirted with each other all night. we ended up kissing and have been seeing each other ever since.

I find it hard to grasp that it is my husbands brother because i have only just met him.

Is it wrong what i am doing. I have only told my closest friend. I dont think the rest of his family would say anything if they found out but my family would and my husband obviously would. what should i do and am i a bad person for doing this.

thanx in advance for your answers

View related questions: affair, divorce, flirt, kissing, split up

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A male reader, omotayo Nigeria +, writes (26 April 2010):

fellow,i can plainly minister this to you dat u re being invoked by some demons that is ready to push you out in the deep ,filthy and shame.unless u dont feel remorse for anytin wrong ,it is really bad,how will u feel if ur husband eventually fall in love with your sister?my sister it is not emotion but realistic talk,take it b4 u re become sad.omotayo oduwoga

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009):

Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. I have been dating my bil for about 5 months, and am madly in love with him. I have been seperated from my husband for several years and dont have the money for a divorce, if I did we would of been divorced a long time ago.

I think you should do whatever makes you happy and not care what everyone else thinks or says.

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A female reader, LMM United States +, writes (2 September 2009):

I know this post is an old one but for anyone who would stumble upon it, I would like to give some advice. I have been married for 20 years. While I was dating my husband, my bil and I knew we were very interested in each other. However, we did not say one word to each other about it--at least not until i was married to his brother and was 3 mths preg. with our third son. We had been attracted to each other for three years without saying a word about it. We had numerous affairs with each other after we both had married. We were only 15 and 16 when we first met. So, you can only imagine how this has built. My bil has divorced and remarried, we had more affairs even after him remarrying. My husband found out about the affairs later on and also my bil's wives found out. They have "forgiven" us. As couples we rarely speak now. The realtionship between the brothers have been scarred for life. My sis in law understandably does not like me. Our kids have been put through torture. As for the relationship between me and my bil?? I have to fight the thoughts and feelings that I have had for him. I truly believe through the years, we built a relationship that should have never been. But we did, now we have to go on through life trying to fight through our feelings and the strong thoughts that would bombard our minds. not to mention what my huband has to deal with when his brother is around. I am thankful my husband has forgiven me and he does trust me. I do not want to dishonor his trust again. I don't want to hurt my sons, 18,19, and 20. Therefore, for the rest of my life I have to "deal" with ME regardless of my feelings and thoughts. My advice: DON'T DO IT!! IF YOU ARE IN THE HEAT OF IT--STOP DON'T KEEP DOING IT. YOU ARE HEADING FOR HEARTACHES UNTOLD. LOVE YOUR HUSBAND, AND TREAT HIM LIKE ROYALTY. MORE THAN LIKELY HE DESERVES IT.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009):

I too am in love with my bil. my husband and i have been together 6 years and two years ago i had an affair with my bil. i left my husband and me and my bil had a baby and everything. then i left my bil before i had the baby because my husband wanted to come back and our kids missed him. i think about my bil all the time and im not sure i made the right decision but now i have to live with the decisions i made. by the way now by bil hates me for leaving him and i miss him bunches.. please make sure your in love with him before u make any decisions u might regret.and if u love him stay with him regardless of what anyone thinks..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008):

i too am in love with my bil i first started over 8 years ago the sexual attraction was so strong we both could no longer fight it so about 2 years ago we were finally imtimate it was amazing we were discovered bymy husband it caused alot difficulty in the family despite being found we countined our affair now noone knows we can longer be around ech other with famly because we know it show on our faces how much we love each other all icansay is be careful u have to follow ur heart

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008):

I am going through a similar situation, only I have been with my husband for 20 years, since I was 18. We have one grown child. Our entire marriage has been rocky, with addictions, emotional abuse, and affairs (all on his part). He has been clean for about 7 years now and no more affairs, but I'm still not happy. He let his brother move in with us after his divorce a few years ago. I have had a crush on his brother since I met him 15 years ago. My husband is either working or sleeping, and when I asked him to do anything with me, he didn't want to but suggested I ask his brother to do it with me, and he always did, willingly. Eventually we began an affair. This has been 2 years now and I am so in love with my brother-in-law. He moved away about a year ago, feeling guilty and wanting to get out of the way, but I am still not over him. He's my best friend, he understands me, we like the same things, have trust and communication, and mutual physical attraction. I haven't been intimate with my husband - his choice - in several years. Anyway we have been writing letters back and forth lately and our feelings are still real and strong. And it's killing me. I don't want to do the wrong thing. But I do honestly love him, and don't want to be without him. The entire family on that side is pretty disfunctional, which is why I didn't meet him until 5 years into my marriage; and while he was married he went about 7 years without contact with his family, as he didn't want to subject his wife and child to them. Help?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008):

Hi..just want to add some more comments to the wise and good advice you have recieved from the other Aunts, here. You are still married to this man and you are seeing his brother. LonelyTwo brings up a good point. Just how do these two brothers interact? I ask that, because I have to admit, when I hear of this sort of thing...my first concern is the how something like this will affect the 'whole' family of these two brothers... including the parents (your in laws) the sisters and other brothers.

I personally know of two families that went through a similar situation. In both cases, the extended family were deeply pained and hurt. The brothers were at each other's throats and it created a huge, huge wedge in this once close family. The brother and the ex wife eventually moved far away to live their own life away from the pain they caused.She took her kids with her. The poor Mother in law was devastated that her sons hated each other, and one had moved clear across the country, never to see her son or grandchildren again. She died 2 years later. It was heartbreaking. So you need to think this through with rationale and maturity. . Have you considered how awkward this might be for all of them? While I realize your husband is a jackass for cheating on you, how will he react to his own flesh and blood brother dating his (ex) wife? These guys are brothers. They share the same parents and siblings. This could create the worst type of painful upheaval in this family's happiness and unity for ywears to come. And what of this brother in law..why would he even think to do this to his own brother? . Let's just say, everyone could be very upset, not to mention the discomfort and awkwardness, this will create at family functions.

So let's take a look at you and your feelings here. When one's needs for attachment are strong, sometimes the rational judgement gives way to fearfully unexamined emotions. It's when one doesn't consider the consequences of how a whole family could be hurt, how two brothers could be forever estranged and torn apart...it's at times like this that the consequences are rarely minor. My suggestion..stop dating this brother-in-law and get a divorce from your husband.. And begin a new, refreshed life with someone totally unrelated to your husband or his family. This way you won't have to deal with the family upheaval of having a relationship with your husband's brother will ultimately create for everyone involved. Think and choose wisely, dear.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008):

Would it be wise to cast your net a little further out to sea my dear? I mean... its just way too close to what you know. You will cause a rift in the family - is that fair?? Can you live with the tie-in? You may not feel it now but you really do have a choice here. If you can have feelings for your husbands brother you can have feelings for any other man. Does it have to be this complicated?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008):

Sounds almost like a rebound, something safe, something familiar. This most likely will not go far, depending on the relationship the brothers have together.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008):

thankyou for your answer. i am not divorced from my husband but i do not ever want to go back into this relationship again, i just would never trust him and i dont want any sort of revenge on him. to be honest i dont think that i have truely loved my husband for years and i knew that when i was marrying him i was stupid i know, he has never really treated me right since the day we met. but my brother in law is so gentle. both of us dont want to hurt anyone. we just cant help the way we feel for each other. my brother in law is single by the way

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008):

Let's put hte shoe on the other foot!

Let's say that your ex-husband was seeing your 'sister' and flirted and kissed your sister?.....What would you feel on the inside emotionally? How would you feel about the rift this would cause inside your own family?

Lust....cannot justify anything morally! An act of betrayel is just that!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008):

Are you divorced from your husband, his brother? When you say you have been seeing him ever since are you having sexual intercourse with him?

I would be very careful here. It has only been since December that you broke up with your husband, that is three short months and you were married for 4 long years. You can't possibly be over this relationship no matter how rocky it was. You for one are on the rebound and wanting to distract yourself from facing all of the emotions that your failed marriage is bound to bring up including how you feel about your husband's affair.

I would'nt be so sure that there isn't a little part of you that isn't seeking revenge on your husband by fooling around behind his back with his very own brother, and his brother may be taking advantage of your vulnerablity just now, and may even be secretly laughing to himself about the whole thing, I don't know because I don't know him.

This probably seems like something you would see happen in a movie and seems rather special and romantic because of it, but remember those are Movies based on a Story that is made up to entertain us about the possibilities of life and not the realities most of the time.

I am sure there is going to be some fall out if you go public with this, but you have to just decide what you are going to do about it and whether or not you think this is a wise move on your part, are you going to end up being even more hurt.

What about the possibility of a reconciliation with your husband if you have not gone through divorce, what then if you have been with his brother? Sounds a bit dicey to me, but it is your decision....and it seems you have a fair amount of guilt about it asking if you are a bad person....this guilt is trying to tell you something, perhaps you are living against your values, only you can decide.

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