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I am again pregnant with my nephew's child and don't know if I can keep this a secret this time!

Tagged as: Family, Forbidden love, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 December 2009) 7 Answers - (Newest, 7 December 2009)
A female South Africa age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My shameful secret had eaten away at me for years. But I always knew the truth had to come out eventually. Everyone knows secrets have a horrible way of coming back to haunt you. Usually, when you least expect it. Certainly, the sordid secret in my past was the last thing on my mind as I went about me daily life.

About fifteen years ago I was the mother of two darling daughters and in a loveless marriage. It was also during this time that I became romantically involved with my sister's son. We fell in love and our love-affair carried on undetected by our family members for about two year until I fell pregnant by him. Even though I was married, we both knew that my unborn baby was my nephew's.

Giving birth to our baby, I felt sick with fear. Would my baby look like my nephew, or worse - be deformed? Thankfully our baby was healthy but does look a lot like my nephew. My husband thought the child was his and it was torture keeping my terrible secret for I was still in love with my sister's son. For the past thirteen years I've been passing this child off as my husband's and my nephew has during this time always stayed in the background. I really felt sorry for him, knowing that my baby was his and not being able to acknowledge this fact.

Even though my nephew and I did not resume our romance after the birth, I was still in love with him and has always been. But the past has a way of catching up with you. One one night, about a year ago, we somehow got together again and this led to us having sexual intercourse again.

Maybe I should have run away, but I was so glad to be with him again that I just melted into his arms, and succumbed to him. The sex with him was as pleasurable as it was nearly fifteen years ago and we have been together since then. We are still in love now, as we were fifteen years ago.

But now, the unexpected has happened. I have again fallen pregnant to my nephew. I am three months pregnant, and this time however, he refuses to disappear into the background as he did all those years ago, and this is moment I've dreaded all my life.

He now feels that he can take care of me and our daughter. He wants me to leave my husband and move in with him with my three daughters. He also wants us to tell our daughter who her real father is. This is not something I can face doing myself. We both realise that our family would never agree to this, and if the truth be told, I am too ashamed, too terrified how they'd react.

But I cannot go through another fifteen years of lying to my husband, children, sister and mother. What I am concerned about is how my daughter would react if she knew the truth? Would she blame me, hate me for not telling her?

And my other two daughters - would they hate me for having an affair with their cousin?

[Moderator's note: Aunts/uncles who answer on this thread, please be civil to the question asker.]

View related questions: affair, cousin, fell in love

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A female reader, YaTuSabes United States +, writes (7 December 2009):

First of all, how old was he int he first place and how old were you? second, you should be honest, but if you are you do realize, you and him will probably not even end up together in the end and your life will be just as miserable, if not worse. but, the truth may come out later so you might as well tell them yourself.

Before you tell, make sure you have stuff packed and a place to stay, because most likely, no one will want to have anything to do with you.

Go to a church and get some guidance as well.

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A female reader, Carrot2000 United States +, writes (6 December 2009):

Carrot2000 agony auntThis is such an ugly situation and I feel for all who are going to be impacted by it. Unfortunately, your past decisions are about to come to the forefront and there is no way you can continue to hide from the consequences you are about to face.

Since it looks like your house of cards is about to fall,I think it would be better for you to first come clean to your husband, then your sister, and finally your daughters. Don't leave it your nephew to "out" you because he is clearly under the delusion that everything will be just fine and that you all will live happily ever after, and you know that there is no happy ending to this situation. If you do decide to put it all out in the open, get your daughters into counseling immediately. There will be some anger and confusion and resentment--and they are entitled to feel all of these things--but they will need to talk to someone about this confusing and devastating situation. I can't tell you how they will feel about you after all of this comes out; only they can decide if and how they want to move forward with their relationship with you. Give them time and don't push them to accept this situation.

I really wish there was some way to tell you that everything will be alright. I really do. Unfortunately, this is one of those situations that even the Aunties, with all of our combined experience and knowledge, can't see a solution to.

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A female reader, Jendorset United Kingdom +, writes (5 December 2009):

You made the mistake of sleeping with him, and then you were careless enough to get pregnant by him. And instead of learning from your mistake, fiffteen years later you get pregnant by him again. Well im not going to be sympathic so all i can say is you did it so you will have to face up to it. You said you hated living with this secret all these years so why would you do it again. You could have used protection. If he wont fade into the background then its time to face the music. At some stage we all have to take responsibility for our actions.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009):

I have to agree with the first post. If you did not love your husband, why did you marry him and still had two children with him? Your nephew has the right to let his children know who their father is, and he has the right to want to raise them. If you want to come clean, you'll have to do so on all fronts.

Firstly, I'll say that you and your nephew should approach your sister and mother together and explain to them what has been going on. It should not be too difficult - considering that your relationship started fifteen years ago, the two of you produced a healthy child, and after all this time you are still very much in love - to convince the two of them that you and your nephew are serious about each other.

I do not know if our sister and mother are aware that you are pregnant by your nephew again, but if not, I'll rather save this bit of news for last. First get them used to the idea that your youngest daughter is your nephew's child,and then to accept you and your nephew as a couple - this might be very difficult for your sister to accept.

The secong part though, will be a bit more difficult, telling your two eldest daughters, for I think it would be exremely difficult for the two of them to accept that their mother was having an affair with a cousin of theirs. It will be crucial for you to get your two eldest daughters on your side, and when you do, try to get them to understand and accept that you are pregnant by your nephew again and that the two of you would like to move in together and that you would like the two of them to come live with you.

When you have achieved this, and only then, along with your sister and mother should you and your nephew tell your youngest daughter what is going on. It would be very hard for her to accept, and maybe professional help is something to consider.

Once you have achieved all of the aforementioned you and your nephew, once again, along with your sister and mother should approach your husband. This will most definitely be the toughest hurdle, for I think it would be very humiliating to your husband losing his wife to another family member. Explain to him what has happned and why it has happened, Explain to him that your and your nephew are in love would like to live as a family with your children. Then explain to him that the two of you would like his two daughters to live with you.

All of the above will be very difficult to achieve, but you and your nephew has proved that with love - even one most people would find fault with - all things are possible. I wish you and your family everything of the best through what is going to be very trying times.

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A male reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather United Kingdom +, writes (5 December 2009):

Dr.LanceMerryweather agony auntCode Warrior - you took the words from my mouth but said it far more eloquently than I could have.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States +, writes (5 December 2009):

Code Warrior agony auntI'm not gonna sugarcoat this. You are in a world of hurt and I don't see any way for this to end well for anyone. This kind of bombshell is not made of TNT, it is a thermonuclear weapon and will destroy your family.

Here is what will happen:

1) Your husband will hate you and deservedly so.

2) He may disown your illegitmate daughter. Hard to tell.

3) Your illigetimate daughter will be confused and distraught.

4) Your illigetimate daughter is likely to do something rash and damaging to herself.

5) Your illigetimate daughter will feel intense guilt and pain.

6) Your illegitimate daughter will blame you for everything.

7) Your other daughters are very likely to hate you.

8) your other daughters may side with their dad against you depending on their relationship with him.

9) Don't know how your other daughters will treat their illegitimate sister.

10) You will not be able to parent your children because you will have zero credibility with them.

11) Your sister will hate you for molesting her son.

12) If your parents are still alive, they will be utterly ashamed of you.

13) Your loverboy's vision of happy family will be smashed and torn apart as the family struggles to get their heads around this.

14) Other family members not directly involved will take sides and all hell will break loose.

You could not have found a more effective way to destroy an entire family if you tried.

As far as I am concerned your guilt is YOUR problem to deal with and you deserve to bear it for the rest of your life with unrelenting agony and pain. I have NO SYMPATHY for you of any kind and you deserve whatever happens to you.

Unfortunately, your family does not deserve this, but they will suffer terribly nonetheless. Nice job.

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A female reader, christina elizabeh United States +, writes (5 December 2009):

christina elizabeh agony auntOkay first I would like to say I am not here to judge you but to give you the best advice possible. Now having said that I have a question for you. Why would you be unfaithful to your husband in the first place? I understand that it is a loveless marriage as you say but if you knew this why did you marry the man? Now getting to your nephew. If you love him as much as you say you do and he loves you then you and him both need to confront your families and be honest with them. No matter if they hate you or not be honest because not only secrets come back to haunt you but so do your lies. Being that you are pregnant with his child again it is his right as a father to be in their lives. I know it is going to be hard confronting your husband and family but your nephew should be rite by your side when you do it because he is in this mess with you. As for your daughter that is his child she has a right to know who he real father is and you should be honest with her and tell her now before it is too late. Better for her to be angry with you now then hating you for the rest of her life. I want to leave you with this though. I believe you know in your heart the rite thing to do so follow your heart.

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