A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I will try to be brief. I have been dating my girl friend for almost 5 years, 4.5 of which she has lived with me. We've gone through many ups and downs as all relationships do, but more and more I dread the thought of spending my life with her as a married couple. Don't get me wrong, the list below seems overwhelming, but we do have our positive moments.- she's obssesively controlling about certain things. Example: the way the dishes are loaded into the washer- she's withdrawn sexually to the point where we MAYBE have it once every other week.- she shows no outward affection towards me anymore unless I initiate and then it is half-hearted.- she is disrespectful of me and my house. Example: if we fight she'll generally throw a temper tantrum and slam the doors, often breaking the door jamb. - I want kids, she does not 'now' and doesn't know 'when.'- We have been to counseling which temporarily helped.- We have had MANY talks, generally initiated by me.- We have tried to compromise.Nothing seems to work, yet I am getting e-mails from her about wedding rings she likes. I do not understand this. She seems so bi-polar to me. I am afraid to marry her, yet also afraid to flush 5 years of my life down the toilet. I just don't know where to go from here, I feel paralyzed. I feel like my life force is being sucked out of me and I am changing emotionally due to all of this. I find myself obsessing over what the issues are and how to fix them, I find myself feeling down and sad.. i find myself just not being 'me' anymore. I feel like the emotional void she has brought into this relationship is now my responsibility to fill up somehow. I know that sounds odd..Anyway.. i could use some perspective... I know no one on the internet can make up my mind, but it would be great to get some fresh perspective. it's so hard to be objective looking from the inside out..
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (9 November 2009):
 OK...before anything you need to PM me, I know this situation very well.
Here is the basic fact you must face, and listen closely...
YOU WILL NEVER MAKE HER HAPPY
This is why you feel you are having your soul sucked out of you. I used that very metaphor for many years myself and it is actually exactly what is happening to you.
The longer you are with a woman like this the more of your life energy will be consumed in this psycho-drama. The feelings of losing yourself a very real. That is exactly what is happening.
You cant fix her
You cant negotiate with her
You cant give enough
Start making yourself happy for a change, you will not regret it!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): My partner's ex was also withdrawn from him sexually as well as somewhat stressed by nature. We on the other hand are as calm as you can imagine and we both have high libidos and enjoy being affectionate with each other. They were together for 6 years, he is your age, and he in no way left her for me. He decided to end the relationship for their own sakes and well being. There are differences that are quite hard to live with and these are two of them. You already had counselling and solved the problem temporarily. This is no wonder to me because counselling doesn't make miracles. I hope you will take the best decision for you. This is to show you there are similar cases. Although one of the differences is that they never slammed doors or anything like that. That for me would be too unpleasant to bear, personally. It's not great that you got into this habit of not solving your conflictual ideas in a more civilised fashion. I hope you are not stuck thinking you can't find another. If you stay in the relationship, do it for all the right reasons.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Better 5 years wasted than 25 or whatever. If you guys are having issues now you can count on twice or three times as many in a marriage. There must be no doubts when entering into a marriage. Marriage is hard enough when you truly love each other. At least it's not too late to save yourself from a mistake you would have paid dearly for down the line.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Alright. Well it sounds like a pretty loaded question. Not being in the relationship, I can't really see what's going on. All I have to go off of is your input. That being said, you have to realize that there is her side of the story as well. The thing about marriage is that the traits that we see in our significant others (negative and positive) only intensify with marriage itself. So all those things you love and hate about this woman will multiply in volume with the 'I do'. If you're afraid of marrying her now, not because marriage scares you, but because of her personality, that's not a good sign. You've been with this girl for five years now, and marriage still scares you? What's so different about marriage and what you guys are doing now? Legal binding?
But, you might be finding these flaws to serve as an excuse to simply not get married. It sounds like she's hinting pretty hard about the entire marriage thing. Could you even imagine you two being happily married? By dumping her, you aren't flushing five years of your life down the toilet. You learned a ton of lessons as far as what you want to look for in a woman, and what the right and wrong things to do are as far as a relationship goes. Maybe not to move in too soon together? Just take this five years as a very long lesson that might possibly better your chances for next time. You know?
So it's something that you have to ask yourself; what's the next step? I think it's only fair to this girl that you either have your cake, or eat it. You either progress in this relationship or you end it. That way you aren't 'wasting' further years being in constant limbo. My only advise to you is that communication is essential for a marriage, and if you honestly feel that you can't do that now, then how are you going to be able to do it with a ring? Good luck and I hope you find what you're looking for.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (9 November 2009):
I think that if you're feeling that way about her, and I don't blame you for not wanting to spend the rest of your life with her, then she's not the right person for you to marry.
Obviously you two have tried to work things out and are aware that there is a problem since you have talked about it and have even gone to counseling. So even though you love her and have spent the past 5-years with her, she's just not the right person for you to marry. Especially if you do not want the same things, like kids for example. Don't think of it as flushing 5-years down the toilet, it's just a learning experience. Now you can know sooner and find what you are looking for in someone else.
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