A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of eight years, soon to be ex, has kept a collection of pictures and videos of the sex life he shared with his two ex wives. These are very graphic -- he describes himself as perverted -- and would qualify as hard core porn, not love making, lots of fetish activity. During the course of our marriage he has converted the pictures to store on CDs (kept the originals) and the videos to DVDs. There are probably close to a 100. That being said, we do not have a sex life and this he blames on me because he said I refuse to participate and that is what turns him on. Looking back, we never really "made love" as when we did have a sex life it was about the sex games and making movies. In the beginning I found this interesting, but when I discovered that I was just part of a collection and he refused to part with it I destroyed everything of me and that is when our "sex life of sorts" ended. He has viewed and played with the images of this collection most every day since we have been together. It took me a long time to finally call it quits as this coupled with excessive drinking is just not how I wish to live and he insists that I have violated our wedding vows by tossing him out. Just wondering what others think?
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (17 November 2009):
 I am getting smarter as I read more and more posts like this. There is a bottle of scope next to my desk and a spittoon close by for when I need to clear the upchuck that comes when I read posts like this.
Ahhhhheeemmm...
1-Erase everything involving you on every drive and disk in your house.
2-Change your locks and put his shit on the front porch
3-Dont give him anything in your divorce that is not forced by a judge.
4-Click you dammed heels and start a new life!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): I dont think you have done anything wrong at all. Its wrong for him to hold onto porn videos of his ex's.
If he has fantasy's thats fine he can get videos of that but of women he doesnt know.
I found a pic of my bf's ex, it wasnt her face(when we first started) I got him to get rid of it. of course out of respect for me but also why would he need it? except to look back on it and why would you want that. You should be the one he wants not the ex's
You have every right to be upset at him for this. Tell him he needs to get rid of those, You deserve better then that.
You can find someone who will share your same beliefs.
Good Luck xo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): I think that your reaction is completely understandable. You clearly are a woman with integrity and self respect. You should feel proud of your decision to throw him out - no one deserves that selfish treatment. It sounds like he needs a whole team of therapists to deal with his emotional and sexual immaturity. In my experience, men who push the envelope sexually are never satisfied with what they have. Their obsession goes beyond experimentation - they need over the top encounters to be sexually satisfied.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again. Thank you for responses so far. I would love to hear the male perspective. Wanted to clarify a few points. He viewed this stuff every day, not me. I always loved it when I walked in his den and the slide of his hand to darken the computer screen.
Also, I did not leave, he did. From his perspective I kicked him out with no reason. He is pretty pissed off because his lifestyle without me is not what he has been used to over the year's we have been together, it is back to the lifestyle he had before he met and sweet talked me.
We are not in a bit of a battle over a settlement as the only one here who will be parting with Money is me even though I footed 75% of the bills and used money from sale of a home I owned for 25 years to purchase the condo where I currently lived.
But there is no remorse on his part. He does not want a divorce, but he does want the lifestyle. He never apologizes for the collection or the nasty behavior. Don't get me wrong, it is not that I have not been nasty at times, but it took me a long time to come to terms with all of this and I do not want to be in a relationship that makes me feel and act in a manner I am not proud of.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (16 November 2009):
 I took some pictures and short movies of my ex-fiancée back when we were together. Nothing terribly explicit, but some nudity and brief (30 second) clips of foreplay. I destroyed them when we broke up. Even though I'm single, I just don't think it's healthy to keep sexual images from past relationships.
I DO still have photos of each of my ex girlfriends. There are some fond memories of dances, of days at the beach, of laughing with friends, of the good times. I have not destroyed the happy memories, and doubt I ever will, but the sexual things are vulgar when kept outside of the relationship.
It sounds like this is his fetish though. He likes making amateur porn and that's more important to him than actual intimacy in a marriage. I think you discovered why he's been divorced twice before you. I hope you did manage to get rid of all the images of you.
I think he deserves the boot. Even in the Bible, which we all know is very critical of divorce, it makes allowances for leaving a spouse in the case of sexual infidelity. I think this counts.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (16 November 2009):
 I think it's a little strange that he keeps all this pornography of his exes in your house. That's just disrespectful and very immature. He's your husband. He should have thrown that material away after he went through the divorce with these women. Now to top it all off, he won't have sex because you aren't 'pleasing' him because you feel uncomfortable with the things he asks for. Which you have every right to feel!
Sex is very important in a marriage, and the fact that he isn't willing to compromise shows that he is used to being spoiled and that he's rather selfish when it comes to the bedroom. As your husband, he should be willing to honor you by throwing this trash away where it belongs, and he should be willing to talk to you about things that you DO feel comfortable with. And he should also do things that you want to do while keeping an open mind about it, seeing as you have done the same thing before. He has tossed out your wedding vows, because the main ideas about marriage is communication and trust. I think you have every right to be upset, and if this guy is refusing to talk to you about things, you have a right to leave. No wonder he has two exes, right? I'm sure they had similar problems with him. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, called Steve  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 In my humble opinion - this guy can't be wired up correctly!
It's ok to have a healthy sex life to feel free and to do what you wish with your partner, but to carry this footage and material on into a new relationship and consequently his new marriage is beyond reasonable expectations.
To have the patience to put up with this for so long is a credit to you, but once you saw these Games for what they really are; notches on his DVD/Video Collection, I consider it right to end the relationship.
Have no fear though, you will mean little to him as he will move on to what will be his next challenge and 'Porn Star' role maker.
Best of Luck - Steve
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A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 He must be joking saying that you violated your wedding vows by chucking him out! Unless your wedding vows said something like "I shall honour and obey you by watching dirty videos of previous relationships without vomiting or chucking you out" you have done nothing wrong! It's saddest that you've now wasted 8 years of your life with this guy, I bet you're asking who to apply to to get those years (and possibly your sanity) refunded! I hope you meet someone (after you've recovered from the depravity) who appreciates you and treats you like you deserve to be treated in the future. Wishing you good luck in recovery, AK.
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