A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a problem regarding the boyfriend of my girlfriend's friend and work colleague. He is a distinctly unsavoury character and when i first went to a work do of my girlfriend's and he turned up he was nasty, rude, arrogant and racist (he referred to me as 'white boy' throughout the night and informed the other dark skinned gentleman that was there 'don't worry there'll be more people of colour coming later). His friends turned up later and were just as horrible. He even was directly crude and rude to me and my girlfriend when it started raining and my gf said she was getting wet and he looked me in the eyes and said to her 'yeah, you'll always get wet around a black man'. (sorry to be so blunt and crude but i wanted to properly paint the scene and show how horrid he was). But for some unknown reason everyone seemed to think he was ok, even my gf for awhile. I think his confidence and imposing presence probably allowed him to get away with things and making him seem like a 'cheeky chappy' but i insisted to my gf what a nasty piece of work he was and that i really wasn't comfortable with either of us hanging out. She thought i was over reacting. Then a few weeks ago, she went on her work do without me and stayed at her friends house where he also lived. He was apparently incredibly intimidating and spoke in a threatening manner to my and his gf, talking about personl matters that obviously had been told in secret from my gf to her friend her friend had told him and he kept saying things like 'oi, look me in the eyes when i'm talking to you' and when my gf borrowed some shoes to walk home because she only had some high heels, he told her they better come back in the same condition or he would come find her! also in the morning he ran into her room and exposed himself to her, pulling his trousers down and announcing 'look at my balls'!I don't know how i was supposed to react but obviously i was very angry by the whole thing. But the problem is that on another night out (sorry i'm rambling) when he wasn't there, My gf passed out and had a fit and we had to go to hospital with her friend and his girfriend. I was very drunk (no excuse i know) and was very worried and i got told to answer the phone to him because his girfriend was busy and i stupidly blubbered down the phone that i was really worried and how bad it was and i must have sounded like a wuss and a wimp but he hung up on me.Later in the week she told my girfiend that he doesn't know what to think of me after that and that he doesn't like me and my gf said that the feeling was mutual.But we've a christmas do coming up for her work and i'm meant to be going with my gf but he will be there too. Last i heard, he was banned from all his local town bars because he attacked a manager and caused loads of fights, and he's part of a gang and was threatening to go and stab someone with his gang because they bumped into him and he told this to my and his gf. The guy is bad news and seemingly a nutcase and i'm worried that if i go to this do that something bad will happen to me and i'll end up getting hurt or worse! Especially if he talks to my gf the way he has been, i'd have to speak up for her and i don;t want to leave her alone in a situation like that.I don't know if i'm over reacting or not. everyone always says they don't know how i get into these situations as i'm a nice guy and bad people always take a disliking to me. I've been attacked on numerous occasions literally for no reason and have scars to prove it. But i'm fed up of being paranoid and scarred of people - i feel like i'm an up and coming agrophobic due to my fear of society sometimes!Should I go and risk being hurt, or stay away/back out and disappoint my gf and stay afraid (i'd still no doubt stay anxious about it and worry about meeting him somewhere else someothere time). How much can you let these situations rule your life? i can't expect my gf not to go as they are her work friends. I don't want to be afraid of these horrible and controlled by these people but i'm fully aware just how primal and evil society can be without even a hint of provocation.What should i do?Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated! thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): The Race laws are there to protect whites as well as blacks - use them.
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 You've got quite the situation on your hands.
This guy sounds like quite the jerk if all your accounts are accurate. I really wouldn't want anything to do with him ever, but it seems like your girlfriend feels that she has to take whatever he says because she's friends with his girlfriend, and because she likes to go to work parties. I totally understand where you are coming from when you don't want to go to this next one coming up, and I think I have two solutions you could pick from, whichever you feel comfortable with.
The first one is sitting your girlfriend down and talking to her. Say that you love her, and you feel really uncomfortable if she were to hang out with this guy alone again. Say that you think he's inappropriate and rude both her and to you, and you don't think it's smart to be in his company. I mean I don't think you have warrant to expect her not to go to a party, because there are going to be other coworkers there that she might have fun with, and she shouldn't stop going just because of this one guy. What I don't understand though is when she goes to these parties, why does she end up at his place with his girlfriend? That's something I think you have every right to ask her to refrain from doing. And just don't go to this party yourself. You have every right to say no if you feel extremely uncomfortable, and if your girlfriend is willing to put herself in a situation that might get her in trouble, that's something that is out of your hands and not your fault.
The other solution is that you go with her to this work party and just don't talk to this guy. And if he comes up to you and starts pestering you, just say in a calm manner 'please don't talk to me' and walk away. That's it. Don't get confrontational and don't get emotional. Mingle with others and have fun with your girlfriend. She should understand where you are coming from and she should know you have every right not to talk to someone who is rude to you. And at the end of the night? Just stay sober and drive your girlfriend home, allowing her to have a good time and allowing you to have the peace of mind that neither of you will be staying the night at this guy's place. Period. It's understandable and even commendable that you want to make sure your girlfriend is ok, and I think this option is the best way to do it. She shouldn't be intimidated by rude and crude men ever. She should be a strong woman and not tolerate such behavior.
If she chooses that she still wants to be in this guy's company as far as his house is concerned, that's something you are going to have to question and think about. If you pick either options, I would still sit her down and say that you don't feel comfortable with her staying over there. It's a fair enough request and if my boyfriend ever asked that in this situation, I would definitely listen to his wishes and stop the visits. Work parties however, I think she has every right to want to go to, because there are other people there I'm sure that are friendly and that she gets along with. All the best of luck to you, and don't be afraid to tell someone that you don't want to talk to them. It's an easy and fair request. And if he starts talking about you or whatever, who cares? You don't want people like that liking you anyway. Good luck!
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