A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I love my husband.We have been married 10 years. He works hard, helps around the house and is a good father. However for the past 6 months he goes out every weekend. He will usually ask me to join him but most of the time i can not go because I do not have a babysitter or I don't want to go because i have out grown the bar scene. I have become very insecure and get upset. I probably would not get so mad but he stays gone for at least 8 hours, usually 12 hours. sometimes I have to pick him up at the bar or his friends house at 3 am because he is to drunk to drive. Am I being selfish and ridiculous?I know he deserves some time to himself but when he is gone I feel i do not want to deal with it and just leave him. But like I said, I do love him very much and other than this issue.. our relationship is pretty good. Am I wrong to feel then way I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 June 2011):
 Honestly, don't you think it's about time YOU do something on your own as well? I mean it is geart to hang out with the spouse, but having an identity besides being "joe's wife" should count too. Take a weekly class is something you want to learn how to do, a hobby, whatnot.
As for the midlife crisis.. who know. For some it never stops, for others it never happens.
You two need to sit down and talk this out. I just don't get why he can't see it from your point of view.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 June 2011):
Hello again. You both need to find some kind of compromise with this.
You both need to sit down and have a talk about it - during the week. Don't leave it till Friday night.
As he does help you around the house and with the parenting, he has earned the right to go out - but not for quite so many hours.
When you do talk about it, let him know that you really do appreciate all that he does for you around the house and being a good father, and although you don't mind him going out on the weekend, you do miss his company while he's gone. Because it's not just a couple of hours - it's more in the vicinity of 12 hours, which is very substantial!
Putting it this way, (that you appreciate all he does for you), you are telling him the truth in such a way that the emotion is coming from the right place - your heart.
What I'm trying to say here is, it's appealing to his heart, rather than nagging at him and getting angry and upset. The latter approach usually only puts people offside and could cause an argument, and you don't want that.
Yes, it's important for him to have a balance in his life - as it is also for you - but the main thing is that it isn't done at the expense of your relationship. And it does sound like it's heading in that direction slightly, because it's clear that it is an issue to you now.
The main thing is that he is made aware of just how it affects you when this happens every weekend.
So while it might be adding some balance to his life personally, it's crucial that his going out socializing with his mates, needs to be in balance with the rest of your relationship also. You both need quality time together.
The problem is quite often, that the weekends is when this quality time often happens.
I am of course assuming that it's not both Saturday and Sunday that this happens, but one or the other. So at least one of the 2 days, he is at home with you and your children. Is that right?
Anyway, it's really important to sit down and have this friendly chat with him - sooner rather than later - to clear the air once and for all. The longer you leave it, the more it will fester inside of you and then you will become livid with anger, as you will stew it over and over every time he goes out. Don't delay talking any longer.
Perhaps you could come to some arrangement where he goes out with his mates - either Saturday or Sunday - but only for 2 - 4 hours maximum. That's reasonable I think.
It's not so much that you don't want him to go out at all, but more that you would rather that he doesn't spend the whole day or night out - and you are at home missing him. That's the core of the matter, isn't it?
Do it just as soon as you possibly can, before it all blows up into an argument one night, and you both say things you later regret. It's so worth it to just talk, it really is. But stay calm and be kind and respectful.
The other reason to not delay talking to him, is if you don't properly talk about it soon, the way I said earlier - that you appreciate all he does for you - he might not truly realize just how much it does affect you. He might not have a clue.
I say this, because up until now, you probably don't say anything until he comes home from his night out. So in that case, it's more of a reaction - rather than a proper sincere discussion, where important points get brought up.
This is the reason for talking about it at another time - during the week - rather than just saying something when he gets home late. It's like closing the gate after the horse has bolted.
The whole discussion needs to be honestly and openly talked about between you, in a relaxed atmosphere - perhaps after dinner one night. Maybe just wait until the children have gone off to bed, so they won't hear the conversation and feel their security might be threatened.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 being controlling for years? not a good sign, even if you get over it it has had the effect on you that you are isolated from any social circle that is not his. what spouse would want that for their significant other?
its biting him in the ass now, because it sounds like there is only so much of this boozed up behaviour you are willing to take.
get your own life, try to meet more friends and get out a bit. of course its boring to do things on your own so join a class, for instance choir or walking group. you meet people if you get out there and do things, then you wont always be wanting to be around him even when he is drunk. a social life doesn't come to you, you actively seek it, and you can do it believe me! best of luck
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (5 June 2011):
 A sudden drinking problem, this is a symptom, time to talk and find out what the condition is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. Midlife crisis was a thought,,,,, when will that pass? He is just 42yrs old. I would love to go out with him sometimes . when he does go out it is always with his friends, their wifes and usually a few single women and men. I suppose that is why i get a little insecure. I have gone with him during the day to the barb q or family party of a friend but i always have to leave him behind because he wants to go out drinking with them afterwords.I always now how the day will end. Unfortuantly ,when we were first married( 10 yrs ago )he was very controlling(we are passed that now)so when we moved to his home state I did not make any new friends. It was not worth the hassle at the time. So going out, with out him would be pretty boring.I do not work in a place that gives me much opportunity to meet new people. He is fully aware of how I feel, but just apologizes for staying out late. What makes it worse is he calls me while he is out and says he will be home in a little while, sometimes ask me if i want him to bring me something to eat on the way home, but his "little whiles" mean about 3 hours or so. What should i do if this continues? Do i just wait it out for another 6 months ? I am so bummed. I really do love him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 June 2011):
Mid life crisis?
That is the only thing I can think of. Honestly you two need to find something you can do together or each alternate a weekend, not just him getting all the "fun" and socialization every week end. I would really resent my husband if it was my marriage.
Sit him down. Explain how you feel. Also, I think you should take a week end off, let HIM watch the kids and you go out. If he doesn't understand your words, let him feel the experience of being "left" behind in a sense.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (5 June 2011):
you need a life of your OWN!, and also he needs to drink less. phoning someone up at 3 am to get a lift is never a good look. thing is why is he driving and drinking before he gets to the point of too drunk to drive.
i can guarantee you that if he drives to a bar then to his friends and then drinks more that he is driving over the legal limit at least one point in the night. you may get away with this behaviour once a year or every couple of months but every weekend is another matter. would he lose his job if he lost his licence?
i am a drinker, i love it but i also know that if you are in a relationship with someone and you leave them for long periods of time to use any drug that things will not last unless both parties are under the influence of said drugs.
women left at home get bored and i know at least one man whose wife met someone else on the net and turfed him out of a house he had paid the mortgage on due to his heavy drinking/always being out of the house.
long story short, heavy use of any drug will allienate a partner as loads of time is spent indulging and this is time the relationship may need to keep the bond alive.
get a shared interest with him if you want to improve things.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (5 June 2011):
Hi there. Perhaps you could say to him the next time he says he is going out with the boys to the pub, say to him that he will have to make his own arrangements about getting home as you are not going to be waking up especially to pick him up at 3am. It's just not on. It's not fair on your children either.Let him know this politely and calmly, of course. The main thing is to tell him straight. Even if he has to catch a cab home or sleep at his mate's place and come home the next day.You could just no be there when he gets home - or when he calls you to come and get him. Just don't answer the phone.Then in your own time later, you could get in touch with some of your friends, and organise to see them for coffee at a cafe, and he can look after your children while you're out.That seems fair.Everything in balance.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 June 2011):
 I think it's a balance issue, if you're not seeing signs of cheating or something. He's hanging with the guys and getting some time from his daily grind. However, you need time off too! The bar scene is out, but surely there must be something you can go off and do on your own?
I don't think it's so bad as to leave him for, just talk to him about bringing it a little back into balance. Maybe every other weekend or something like that, or not for 12 hours at a time.
Tell him that you want to spend time with him but going out sloshing at the bar for 8-12 hours is out.
Sometimes when something seems fun, people tend to go overboard, and a little gentle (or not quite so gentle if you've already tried it) reminder that he's not single and that spending time with you and the family is needed.
Sure, in a marriage it's okay to go out with the boys (or girls too!) can even strengthen the marriage, but not all the time in such a way that the other spouse is left alone with the responsibilities of the kids and having to get up at 3am to bail him out. If he's practical, tell him all the things he could buy with that money saved by not going so often (drinks aren't cheap!)
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (5 June 2011):
 Nope you are not wrong to feel the way you do but does he actually know how you feel..I mean....have you spoken to him about it and let him know HOW you feel when he is out and when you have to go get him etc.
I think communication is a huge part of making a relationship work and you need to let him know how you feel and ask him why he feels the need to go out every weekend...I mean you guys have kid/s and once a month or twice a month is cool but every weekend is a bit excessive.
So let him know how you feel...nicely..no accusations, no stress or no huge drama with shouting and all that...just like calm adults..
Good Luck
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