A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My best friend of many years is in an abusive relationship and has suddenly decided to cut me out of her life.When they first started dating, I wasn't wild about it. She has so much going for her and this guy just... doesn't. I tried to be supportive, but when she asked me my opinion, I couldn't really hide my feelings. Fast forward to late November when they got in a fight and he got black out drunk, called her, and started berating her and cussing her out and threatening to harm himself if she didn't talk to him. She called me in tears and was afraid of this man. She said he was abusive and wanted out of the relationship. I agreed that it was a good idea to end it before this behavior got more frequent. She did. I called her every day thereafter, checking on her to make sure she was okay. I could tell after about a week that she was starting to miss him. She kind of started to get distant with me and then one day, stopped answering me completely. Turns out, she had gone over to his place and gotten back together with him and clearly didn't want me to know. I asked her about it and said that I hope she didn't feel the need to hide that from me. She went on to defend him and basically throw me under the bus and call me a bad, judgmental friend, and that was why she didn't tell me. She's since refused to speak to me and insists she's mad at me for any number of things that happened months before our disagreement. I've basically said my peace but I just don't understand what happened. I've been a loyal friend for so many years and I'm really hurt by this. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (11 January 2023):
 I suspect the boyfriend is at least partially to blame for your fall-out with your friend. He realizes that the two of you together are much stronger than she is on her own, hence he has to separate her from you. Ultimately the decision regarding who she chooses to keep/discard is hers, of course, but never underestimate the power a manipulative abuser has over their victim. Also some people would rather hear a kind lie than an unkind truth. That is their problem, not yours.
If you value her as a friend, send her a message saying you are sorry you have fallen out and that you understand she does not want to have any contact with you at present but that you will be there for her if she ever needs you. Then let her go. Don't contact her again. Leave the ball in her court. You cannot force her to be friends with you or to give up the loser with whom she has hooked up. Hopefully she will eventually come out the other end of this relationship in one piece and you two can rekindle your friendship.
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (11 January 2023):
 I realise how upsetting this must be for you, but you were her friend in a time of need and turmoil. You were there for her when her partner got drunk and was abusive to her.
Unfortunately as good a friend as we are to people we can't control their actions and what they do. Unfortunately for want of better words she has made her bed now she has to lay in it.
You and i both know that leopards don't change their spots, and we both know that the horrible person that was abusive to her the first time around is still in there and your friend will have to go through it all again.
You should not feel bad for what you said and did, you were being a friend. Your friend is being brainwashed by him, almost like she is under his spell.
I think when it all goes pear shaped again, and i beleive it will, you will have to have a long hard think and ask your self are you going to be so accomodating this time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 January 2023):
 I would be hurt if I were you too!!
Unfortunately, your friend loves herself less than YOU love her.
She would RATHER be with an abusive man than be on her own. Why? Probably because he has her so messed up in the head.
Logically, she KNOWS you are right. that is why she left him.
Emotionally, she still thinks SHE can fix him and that HE needs her and LOVES her oh so much. So she went back to him.
Abusive relationships are a minefield.
From the outside (your view) it's "Easy" to see just how toxic and abusive it is. You are also NOT emotionally invested in this guy at all. My guess is you have a healthier way of HOW you think relationships should be. She doesn't.
From the inside (her perspective), it's not.
Leave her be. Just don't contact her.
Hopefully, she will come to her senses before he hurts her "too badly" and she will contact you again.
Right now she is not in the right headspace and there is nothing you can do to change her mind. She is CHOOSING to stick her head in the sand, she KNOWS it's not a good relationship. and she is MAD at HERSELF over it all, but CHOOSES to take it out on YOU.
You know, shooting the messenger? In a sense.
I wouldn't be surprised if he is also in her ear telling her to "dump" you. So HE can isolate her further. Easier for him to have total control.
You can't fix this. I know it's heartbreaking to watch someone put themselves in harm's way - all you CAN do there is let her know that you will BE there if SHE needs you.
And yes, a GOOD and LOYAL friend WILL tell their friend if they feel that the friend's partner is an abusive loser.
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