A
female
age
36-40,
*onfused1616
writes:I dated and fell in love with a guy in the summer/ fall of 2012, but who ultimately went back to his ex (a prior very long term relationship) and was living with her. We reconnected some months thereafter where we talked about how much we still loved one another, etc (understandably bad circumstances) and he said he would leave his girlfriend and we could give it a try. We talked when we returned home and decided that we shouldn't jump into anything, and that he should move out and be alone for a bit, I think for the best. But, he ended up staying with her (I think he was too afraid and he thought it would be too difficult to extricate himself), so we fought and I said I couldn't have any contact with him whatsoever. I was crushed. I slowly, over the months, started to move on and think about him less and less. He would occasionally pop up in my life, and I was able to deal with it better. But, last week, I woke up to someone yelling my name outside of my apartment and ringing my doorbell. I opened the door to my very intoxicated ex telling me what an idiot he had been and how much he loved me, and wanted to be with me. I sent him home in a cab and said he wasn't allowed to come talk to me like that. We spoke soberly the next morning, and after all of his apologies for his behavior, he suddenly asked me "tell me you love me and both our lives will change". He kept pushing to talk, but I (having been burned before) was taking my time to think about what I wanted and to protect myself. We finally talked, and he basically cryptically said that it was going to cost him to do what he had to do, and he was sorry he hurt me, and really does care. I am very hurt to have basically come full circle and suffered the same bait and switch again (although less painful this time, because I had somewhat learned my lesson the last time). I really want to call him and ask him why he's doing the same thing again and if he's so unhappy why he doesn't change his life (even outside of anything to do with us).I know demanding explanations doesn't make it any easier on me and might even give him satisfaction about how much I care, but I just can't let go of thinking that I deserve a full explanation. I don't know if it will help me move on better, but is it stupid to ask to talk to understand? At this point, there's nothing left to lose, and I can't help thinking that it will make me feel better... but maybe I'll just end up more upset..Would welcome any advice for how to move on from this or deal with the situation! (I know time helps... but so hard to remember now).
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): I agree with DaisyDaisy. his girlfriend probably had enough. so, basically he can't stand being single, and he's using girls. tell him to quit contact, and if I were you, I'd change my number. good luck x!
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (24 February 2014):
 I think you'll end up more upset. I suspect that if you ask him why he's has a change of heart, and if he's honest, you'll discover that the reason he's reappeared is because he's now single. Or about to be. And I doubt that he's fully in control of that; maybe his girlfriend has had enough.
As for him wanting you to change his life (and yours, though yours seems perfectly fine already to me), that smacks of a desperate person reaching out to someone like a saviour.
You are right that he has to change his own life. Absolutely spot on.
If I was you, I'd nip this in the bud and ask him to stop contacting you. You do still care, and him popping about now and again is not helping you to move on.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (24 February 2014):
You don't need an explanation, it's pretty obvious that he loves his girlfriend and is somewhat comfortable with her, but he's not totally happy either. You guys knew each other just enough for him to romanticize you, but it wasn't enough for him to "rip the band aid off" with his girlfriend.
When things with her are fine, he forget about you for the most part. When things are rough he thinks about how happy he could be with you, because at this point you are the green grass on the other side.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (24 February 2014):
 Demanding explanations just creates more expectations which requires an investment so it won't help you move on. In fact it would make it that much more difficult to move on.
I doubt this guy sets out to hurt people. I think he's just too afraid of being alone and is so focused on what he thinks he's losing instead of what he's gaining so he goes back and forth between you and the other. Beyond that I really wouldn't invest much time or energy trying to figure him out.
A lesson to be learned here is not to give a second chance to someone who has so badly squandered the first chance regardless of how sincere they appear to be.
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