A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok I'll get straight to the point, Ive been with my hubby for 20 years, he's 42 and I'm 36, the first 15 years together he couldn't get enough of me, then I started to do shift work and he said he got "lonely" and met some girl at the supermarket and started texting her, he says that's all it ever was, texting, but I'm sure it was more as he'll often lie to me if he thinks it's going to cause an argument.So ever since then he's come up with every excuse in the book to not have sex, he's tired, he's not in the mood, he wants me to initiate, he's too old etc....Ive tried everything from lingerie (which he doesn't notice) getting my tongue pierced for more pleasure for him, suggesting different places to have sex, even doing a questionnaire to find out if I'm not doing something that he'd like me to do, even though I do everything. When we do have sex its always fantastic and he wont come until he thinks I have, but why has he lost interest? I'm not overweight, I'm attractive and have other guys hit on me all the time. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Isn't it usually the wife who doesn't want sex? I'd be interested to here from a man's point of view especially on this, if your mate came to you and said, "geez I wish the wife didn't want sex all the time?" How would you answer him?
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in the mood, not interested in sex, overweight, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): hi, sorry that he cheated on you. don't know why else he has gone off sex but please do not discard the notion that another woman is lurking around. i think your hb is off sex with you because he is getting it elsewhere. sorry, i know it hurts but i think deep down you know what i am saying is true. your hb is very sly and you should not just think he now has a low libido. he is up to something, and i think that something is cheating on you.
A
female
reader, ashaseth01  +, writes (10 January 2010):
You live only once dear. Let go. The worse case scenario- He is actually cheating on you and you will make a fool of yourself by trying to show him how much you love him. But its still worth it. Maybe all that you do will change him. But I know in my gut that he isnt cheating. He is just in a new phase. Bring him back.Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, ashaseth01 +, writes (10 January 2010):
HiI am sorry what I said upset you so much. When I read what I wrote last time, I find it very harsh and inappropriate.I felt angry when I read what you had written and then read all the advice. And what I wrote was Impulse. Forgive me. all I intended to do was to get you to see what you were doing to yourself and to your marriage. You are still quoting what happened 5 years back ( you still are not sure he was cheating, texting is not cheating) and saying that your husband is cheating on you. Dont do this to your self. When he says you should make the first move, maybe he really means it. Give him the benefit of doubt and remember this is not a man you have just met. He is someone you have given everything and all these years. So has he. So trust him. And do what he asks of you. Maybe it will act as the breath of fresh air your marriage deserves. I understand that I am the only one among all those advising you here who is telling you that your husband might not be wrong. Getting contradicted is upsetting. But you have to think of him as a part of you. You love him dont you? "I'm guessing they've never been cheated on or if they have just don't care."Well, I have been cheated on. I was engaged to be married when I was 21. My fiancée had gone to mumbai for some business of his. He had an apartment there as well. I decided to give him a surprise by visiting him there on his birthday. I went directly from the airport to his apartment and walked in on him having sex with a girl I later found out was his neighbor. I broke off the engagement that day. Never saw him after that. I met my husband three years later and today I am happily married. But thats not the point. The point is, you have to catch him in the act if you want to accuse him of cheating. Texting is not cheating. Also, if you cant forgive him for the past, leave him. Don't stay with him and make both your and his life miserable. Its not worth it. But if you want to stay, then take matters into your hands, stop complaining and work at your marriage. Don't be paranoid. stop being suspicious.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo celiaaletta, thank you for your support, what ashaseth01 wrote was pretty upsetting, I'm guessing they've never been cheated on or if they have just don't care.
And to your question; Are your insecurities/paranoia a result of his cheating on you? Definitely. before I found out about this other woman we were busy planning to renew our wedding vows, and I felt like the luckiest woman in the world, but while I'm thinking everything is perfect he's off being "lonely" So if he can have me believe everything is so perfect when it obviously wasn't then when I'm thinking things aren't too good, what are my chances they are good?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUmm provide him with the respect he deserves? He picked up a random woman at the supermarket? This happened while we were in the middle of planning the renewal of our vows..
He wont go to a doctor, he just puts it down to being too old, too tired etc..
And I have gotten over this other woman, a long time ago,and I dont treat him like he should have an A branded into his chest. I have just gone along like before, the only difference being him not being interested in sex.
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A
female
reader, ashaseth01 +, writes (8 January 2010):
my god woman! are you really 36?? You sound worse than a teen ager. Poor man. No wonder he has lost his appetite. Stop being crazy and start treating him with the respect he deserves.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): This mistake happened 5 years ago, yet you talk as though it happened yesterday ?????? "Part of me blames myself because I wonder if my insecurities and paranoia are damaging our relationship?" Only a part of you ?? Sounds like you are consumed with insecurity and paranoia.. Resolve the cheating issue within your own mind. You are losing what appears to be a long and good realationship over a small transgression. It sounds like your husband should be seeing a Dr. and getting a GOOD physical exam, there may well be a physical problem. Highly suggest you both address that possible problem. Far as the "mental",, As you're still acting as thou this transgression happened just yesterday, he is acting accordingly and has lost interest in sex. If you start trusting him again and quit running around waving the "he cheated flag" He may "forgive himself" and start feeling desire and attraction both for you and from you. Yikes,, You smash his cell phone but are to embarrassed to tell him your horny and want to make love with him ???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing with the other woman was very brief and over 5 years ago.At the time I rang her myself and asked her what was going on, had they had sex and how long had this been going on? She said they were just friends, hadn't had sex and had been texting for a few weeks. And I found out about her when she sent him a text saying it was wrong and she wasn't going to text him anymore, so I doubt anything is going on with her. I also smashed his phone and made him change his number.
I'm not even sure I think he's seeing anyone else, we spend all most all of our time together when we're not at work (both on day shift)and he doesn't have a problem with me reading his text messages, or emails, I even have his passwords for his email and facebook account.
He knows he made a HUGE mistake with this other woman, and is always trying to reassure me nothing like that will ever happen again.
Part of me blames myself because I wonder if my insecurities and paranoia are damaging our relationship?
In every other way he's the perfect husband, he helps around the house, will run a bath for me with candles if I'm run down, gives me massages, texts or rings me daily at work and is always telling me he loves me,it's just when it comes to sex he rarely approaches me anymore. Another thing he has said is that he has always initiated sex and he wants me to initiate sex, but with him not seeming as interested anymore, I'm too embarrassed to initiate anything in case he says no,but when I've said this to him he says he would never knock me back.
Could it just be a case of him losing his libido? And if so how can I get it back?
I really do appreciate all your comments, thank you.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (7 January 2010):
To rule out cheating, you need to set a trap. Get keystroke spyware for the computer to see what he is typing; I managed to get his email password by using a free trial of the software. From there I found some shocking emails with his secretary. Ofcourse he managed to talk his way out of it so when the suspicious behaviour started again (tired, no sex etc) I put in a voice activated recording device (dictaphone) in my ex's car that cost me less than $30. Later when I played it back, I heard him talking on his cellphone saying "I'm coming to f... you" to his girlfriend. LOL!! I had been talking myself out of my suspicions for over a year up to this point. Only when I took action did I get the answers I needed. But I have to say, don't do this unless you really prepare yourself for a bad outcome. I thought I was ready but those were the worst days of my life. Some people will say don't invade his privacy, but as far as I am concerned, he is not entitled to any if he wants to be in a marriage. All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): You should ask your husband if anything went on with that other woman... he'll probably answer you no like he has all the other times. You could get authorized on your phone accounts, if you aren't already, and look up his texts records. Normally snooping is a really bad idea, but if you're this desperate for answers and he's not giving you any that may be your only option. I wouldn't want to trust him the way he's been acting. What kind of a married man texts random women he meets at the supermarket?
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta +, writes (7 January 2010):
 You say...'I'd be interested to here from a man's point of view especially on this,'
You are leading very mature age and sound very well experienced. Then think out what do you mean by 'man's point of view and even-female's point of view...' Do you think there exist two science of vision? one for male and other for female? And so two different reality? one made for male and other for female? In your estimate, say who can make such two reality?
Any way, I have some formula which I formulated for nature people. read- it is this... SEX IS FOR SHARING AND RELATIONSHIP FOR SHARING.
See, do not confuse your self by entering the question as- where is love? and what is love? Do love exist in sex? or Sex in love?
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (7 January 2010):
 "If your mate came to you and said, "Geez I wish the wife didn't want sex all the time?" How would you answer him?"
Hmmm. My response might be, "Wow! Such a bummer! Say, what time do you leave for work in the morning?"
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