A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been engaged to my fiance since August 2019 and our wedding's delayed due to COVID-19. Been together since 2014.My dad normally hasn't had a problem with him, but now he's had a problem with both me and him, and claims my fiance is mentally ill, when we went to see my parents in another town near Toronto, 8 miles away, about 2 weeks ago.My fiance told me a month ago that being manly gay was never really him (aside from the interest in cars, DIY and cookery, perhaps) and that he was really a camp gay man who had to hide it to protect himself from being ostracised in the gay community, he felt no-one would accept a REALLY camp guy.I felt so pleased he could be open with me on this, he said it had taken him a year to realize it.Since then, it's made me realize it's okay to have some camp interests too, and my interest in makeup etc. and fashion that's more feminine-leaning isn't wrong.However, when I told my parents about it (obviously this had my fiance's consent) my dad was furious, saying to me, privately in the kitchen, that "you're influenced by your fiance, besides, being camp ain't that good, how you gonna get a job in 2021 if you're camp? Being gay's about manly men, bears, leathermen, all that stuff I see on TV dramas, not campness, that's just Elton John."Yes, I'm gay, and my family have no issue with it, although it's the type of gay my dad does have an issue with.My fiance's revelation helped me realize my true self and that there's nothing wrong with it.We're both as far from manly gay stereotypes as possible now - clean-shaven, feminine-presenting, but we don't have the high voice stereotypes, and being gay isn't the be-all and end-all of who we are. OK, so we don't have a wide circle of friends (and my fiance doesn't, he's American-Canadian, born to Canadian mom, American dad in Montana, US, but his mum was Canadian so he has both citizenships yet identifies as Canadian, struggles to see himself as American even though he lived in Montana from birth until he was 22 when he moved to Canada, I'm Canadian from birth and only ever lived in London, UK which was great, but expensive. My fiance is a U.S. citizen from birth and would never renounce, says that it's like an emergency thing he may just need to use some day, even though he lived there for 22 years). It felt cathartic to both of us to get rid of our overly manly clothing, selling it on depop / ebay etc.Why would my dad be like this, is it homophobia of a sort, even if he accepts us as a couple and wants to be involved in our wedding doing the food, as he's already said a few times?I'm struggling for advice here and me and my fiance want advice since we don't know what to do for the best.How would you deal with my problem if you were in my situation?Advice is welcomed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2021): Truth is, you can't help but do what comes natural. You're two adult-males, and what your dad 'thinks' you ought to be or to do is pretty immaterial at this mature stage in your life. You're in your 30's! He just wants his boy to act like a dude. He's straight, that is what is expected from him.
Really exaggerated effeminate, campy, or flamboyant behavior in gay-males makes some people uncomfortable...male or female. In the gay community, pretentious or theatrical "camp" is a way some people like to relate to their gayness; or just feel free to drop all forced societal requirements to adhere or conform to acceptable standards of masculinity in males. It's a code exchanged between "queens," or birds of a feather.
Society demands gender specific behavior. In other words, a guy should be a guy, and a girl should be a girl. You are free to be whomever you are; but you can't force other people to accept everything about you. People have their ways, human nature is imperfect; and social norms are set by the majority. All you can justifiably expect is that your civil-rights as a human being and a citizen are respected and acknowledged. Everything else we add to our lifestyle or behavior is up for debate and challenge.
Bigotry and intolerance is a part of human behavior. There is also an intolerance in the gay community which discriminates against the obese, "fems," transgenders, and drag queens; and almost every sub-group mentioned is attracted to the more "masculine" types. Hypocrisy screams from the rooftops when it comes to that!
Be yourself, but if you're in mixed-company; prepare for the pushback. We now live in a world with no filters, limited compassion for others, and hate-groups now think their views have legitimacy. If you want to survive, use your common sense, and read the room. Sometimes your safety depends on it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 December 2021):
 Sounds like our resident fiction writer is back.
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