A
female
age
30-35,
*b2435
writes:Hi all, I need to vent about this. I had a secret “boyfriend” when I was young. He was my first everything. I’ll call him John. This was many years ago. I was 13, he was 17. I explored why in my 20s in therapy. My mother was an abusive person and I felt good around him to distract myself. When I got to high school, I realized I should focus on school and did not date again until 16 and it was a boy my age. John started getting into trouble and I’d avoid him. I eventually went to college and never saw or heard from him. For the past 5 years, John reaches out to me on social media. Sometimes I responded, and sometimes I didn’t. 2 years ago I really went off on him for the first time because he implied I was not a virgin when we met. Mind you I was only 13 and I was so hurt and offended he could imply such a thing. I reminded him he had turned 18 and continued to seek me out which is illegal. I blocked him. Then about 3 months ago, he sent me a long apology from a new account. I ignored it. Last month, he tried again and I responded. I said I’d rather not explore my past mistakes and I prefer not to speak to him because I found him triggering. Well, i don’t know if it was because I feel lonely, but I responded to new messages about a month ago. He invited me to dinner. I went and it was actually nice. Then he invited me to his friend’s shower and that was fun too. He insisted we take some photos together and he said I’m putting my favorite one on my profile. He never did. Now I find out he just left his wife last month and he doesn’t want people to know about me because then he’ll look bad. So I’m back in the “secret” section yet again. Now that I’m older, I calmly said this is not right, i have a right to know he’s in a messy situation, etc. he had the nerve to tell me I was being hysterical and I’m jealous. Even when I was young, I’d I saw him with another girl, I wouldn’t even say hello and walk away. I never liked drama and still do not. Clearly, I found this to be ludicrous and asked he never contact me again or Id consider it harassment next time. He then again said I’m hysterical, crazy and imagining he’s hurting me. In total, he’s made 4 social media accounts in the past 5 years to contact me since I always block him. I guess my question is why did I give in this time? Am I lonely? Did I want to relive my youth? Was he trying to use me for something? We did not have sex but I think he probably aimed for that. After we met up those two times recently, he doesn’t call much but I see he’s online. I’m so angry! I feel like a rejected teenager and it hurts. Thanks for listening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2021): Even if you've taken pictures with this man or went out on dates with him; the fact remains that he had inappropriate contact with you when you were only 13. You've communicated all this to your therapists long before he resumed communications; so that in itself substantiates the fact that sometimes the victims of molestation may subsequently interact and even become friends with the people who have abused them.
He's preying on your weaknesses; because he groomed you at an early age, and he knows he has a weird connection and control that dates back in time. You should see your therapist when you feel yourself weakening or feeling any unusual anxiety. He is purposely triggering you, and using his emotional-hold over you when he goes silent. He is trying to force you to contact him; so he has it on record that you've even initiated contact. He's clever and very cunning; and you're unintentionally helping him to protect himself.
You need to make meaningful connections with other people, make friends, and reconnect with your family. You wouldn't be so vulnerable to his contact; unless you're not connected with people, and spending a lot of your time alone or isolated. You need to socialize, even if you're an introvert.
Too much isolation forces us to subconsciously crave some form of human interaction; even if that person thinks he or she doesn't need other people. By nature, I'm a loner; but I know how healthy and invigorating socializing is for me. I have to resist the urge to isolate or withdraw; so I often entertain my friends. Nature has wired us to be social; even if it's just being one-on-one. If you're sitting around alone and avoiding contact with people; he'll always be able to weasel his way back into your life, dragging back those sickening memories from the past. They upset you, and make you feel bad about yourself; but you can't help but seek his attention and approval. When you were just a kid, he was probably super nice to you when you were obedient or submissive; and very cross or mean to you when you tried to reject him, or pulled away. Feeling his rejection triggers memories from the conditioning you received; while he groomed you as a defenseless-child. Surrendering under pressure from someone who has abused you, is textbook victimization. You have a false sense of connection with this man. He is an expert at manipulation, and he's a skilled predator. Please discuss this with your therapist. You need professional advice on this matter. None of this is your fault, and it never was!
My dear, many people are coming forward these days and facing their abusers. They are exposing them and seeking restitution or convictions of those people who molested and abused them. He is terrified you will be one of them; so his efforts at keeping in-touch with you are to keep you quiet, and to protect himself. It's all over the news, all around the world; regarding cases involving priests, teachers, and even family members, who have sexually-abused or groomed young innocent underaged-victims. He's scared you'll tell it all! He can't rest after all these years, he fears the exposure!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 December 2021):
 It's NOT your fault that he keeps making new accounts, YOU can not control him. AT all. Nor is it your job.
But do not reply to him. At all. Even answering once, is an "open invitation" in his eyes. So don't reply at all. Even if you want to defend yourself or make him see sense. It's pointless.
I'd say don't even open the message IF you know it is from him JUST delete it. He has NOTHING of value to add to your life.
And it's OK to feel hurt by being rejected. Just know EVERYONE gets rejected in life. Be it for a job, a romantic partner, a friend, whatever. rejection is part of life.
You need to evict him from your mind. There is no shame in being rejected by scum!! Don't let him live rent-free in your head.
"In regards to that, he’s always throws in there I wanted it too. I’m so angry at him, myself."
Stop beating yourself up for what you did when you were a CHILD. A 13-year-old. The guy groomed you. OK? You were not old enough to CONSENT at 13. The reason there is an age of consent is to try and prevent people like him (scum) to take advantage of kids like YOU were. Most 13-year-olds think they are more mature than they are, just like teenagers think they know it all. Don't eat the blame here. The blame lies 100% with him.
Focus on yourself. Spend time with friends, and if you have any healthy family members, with them. Learn new things. Try new things. And I will repeat, consider therapy again.
It is QUITE common for people who have been abused, sexually or otherwise to have few (if any) boundaries or the ability to set boundaries easily. At least YOU did that when you told him to NEVER contact you again. So you know how and that you should, but then you also keep tabs on his online activity which is not good (for you).
Shake off the "rejection", it IS a good thing because you do not WANT this man in your life. Not really. He would continue to be abusive with you. He already showed you that.
You DO deserve better. You DO deserve someone who will treat you right and good. Know that. And don't settle for scummy guys ever again.
Chin up. Stay safe. And move on from thinking you owe him anything or that he is a catch ( you know he isn't).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2021): I think the reason you are hurt is because you allowed yourself to believe that he was a decent guy really!
You enjoyed a bit of normal adult contact with him and meeting his friends.
It made everything seen nice and normal and possibly you were secretly optimistic that you were 'the one for him 'even after all this time.
It's natural to want to sanitize what was once an unhealthy contact, rather than see it in legal terms.
You still want to believe that he saved you from your frightening background.
You wanted him to turn out to be decent and nice and it hurts again to find out that he is manipulative and deceptive.
He enlisted your loyalty back into your 'secret ' relationship.
Clearly it's going to bother him that you had the potential to be open about his actions when he was 18 yrs old, especially as there are some very prominent historical sexual abuse cases of minors in the media currently.
He needed to feel he still had you on his side.
I doubt it was a need to reminisce on his part but more probably a need to survive and hope that no one would indicate that he was a potential sex offender.
Which he is.
It would be the same for anyone else who was engaging a minor in a sexual activity.
As far as he is concerned it's really unfortunate that you are a sentient being who senses the injustice of it all.
You are confused because part of you wishes he was a wonderful secret lover and the other part of you knows it was an illegal laison.
I only suggest you move away from this whole scenario as much as possible because it evokes those early feelings of helplessness and being overwhelmed by it all.
Maybe the best place to take it further is through therapy in the hope that you can find some healing in the long term.
He probably always was a wolf in sheep's clothing and yet you desperately needed to believe that it was something more than that.
So maybe now is the time to finally end the belief that he could be anything other than a devious person who coerced an under aged minor into a sexual relationship.
You need to love that helpless 13 year old because there appears to be nobody else close enough to you to let yourself feel your true value.
You need to forgive yourself for being conned by him and make a resolve to only allow decent people to greet you on your pathway.
Maybe you need to grieve the naive child you once were.
And find comfort in the knowledge that you can and will meet a decent human being to create a family with.
Then, through a mothers eyes you will understand why this older secret boyfriend is so repulsive to others and why so many of us wish you well for the rest of your life.
He is someone you would want nowhere near your future family.
Worst case scenario would be if you had a daughter and he found a way to make contact with you again in order to work on her.
But that is unlikely to happen as you can see the upset and unhappiness he has already caused to you through his contact with you.
Part of you must feel duped by him again and the slow realisation must be painful.
Totally shutting down social media would get him away from spying on you and I know people who have dropped social media entirely and just rely on conversations with real friend in real time.
This might work for you in the long term.
You could alert the police if you wanted to.
In order to protect other vulnerable youngsters.
For all you know he is mentally no more than what he was when he first attained adulthood.
He may never have married and maybe he needed you to prevent some of his friends suspicions that he had an undue interest in underage girls.
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A
female
reader, Mb2435 +, writes (9 December 2021):
Mb2435 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot sure how it’s my fault he keeps making new profiles to contact me. Like I said, sometimes I respond, sometimes I don’t. I guess there’s some sort of trauma bond. I never said I gave him my number. When he made that last new profile, he only contacted me on messenger. I saw he was constantly online after ghosting me. I told him any future attempts would be considered harassment and I blocked him. I never threw legal threats at him before. I’m still a person w feelings and can’t help feeling used and rejected.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (9 December 2021):
 On reading your post, my gut instinct was that these two things are related:
"I reminded him he had turned 18 and continued to seek me out which is illegal."
"He insisted we take some photos together and he said I’m putting my favorite one on my profile. He never did."
I suspect he is afraid you will one day try to take some sort of legal action against him for sexually abusing you when you were underage. Taking photographs of the two of you recently, all happy and smiling, is his "proof" that you were "friends" with him afterwards. He could then say you were not traumatized by what happened back then but were only trying to get him into trouble for some other trumped up reason.
If you is still managing to contact you via social media, you are not trying hard enough to block him. Decide once and for all whether you want to hear from him or not. If you really do NOT want anything more to do with him, change your number, change your email address, lock down all your social media accounts so he can't find you.
This is not a good man. He keeps you as his dirty little secret because you allow him to do this to you. You deserve someone who is proud to be with you and wants the world to know you are in a loving relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2021): Often in a lonely dejected state of mind; we may submit to our impulses, and make a few bad judgement-calls or decisions. We're feeling isolated or rejected; so we'll seek someone familiar, because there is a modicum of trust (and/or curiosity). Whether the trust is real or perceived, it doesn't seem to matter at the time; so we lower our guard, and we allow ourselves to become vulnerable. That is because we need to reconnect with a fellow human being after a stint of rejection or solitude. Even when knowing that person has a very unhealthy or negative influence over us. I think everyone reading your post can relate to that. Myself included. Once you snap out of it, then you'll take measures to withdraw from the situation. Your sense of self-preservation and survival-instincts kick-in! You can also attribute that wake-up to common sense!
Like Honeypie suspects, I don't think the reasons he is trying to contact you is relevant; I think you're being stalked, and he has an obsession dating back to his teens.
I don't pretend to know what you may represent to him; but it doesn't seem healthy on any level. He doesn't allow you to disengage or reject his pursuit or interest; and that's the material a full-fledged stalker is made of. He insists on being in your life, with or without your permission. You can't be namby-pamby after you've asked someone to leave you alone, and to cease contacting you. If you've blocked every means of contact and communication; and yet they persist through deceptive means, that's sick. It takes a lot of nerve. No need for panic, just find a way to put this to rest. Don't submit to Stockholm's Syndrome by empathizing with your unwanted pursuer. You've more than once witnessed a bad-reaction when you resist or disagree with him.
I would follow-through on your threat to report his persistent contact and intrusions as harassment to the police. Keeping all evidence of his changing his social media accounts as a way to contact you. I wouldn't leave-out the part of when and where this all began either. You have no evidence to prove it; but the objective is to include anything that would substantiate your present concerns, that may reveal things about his personality never before brought to light. It can help the police to profile an alleged-stalker; if God-forbid, anything unfortunate should happen.
When you respond, you are giving him permission to reach-out to you. Even if it is to ask him to stop. You've already done that. You should ignore unidentified friend-requests, callers, or messages. Set your accounts to "contacts only." You're old enough and experienced enough in this era of social media dependency to know that. If not, do your research.
Bear this in-mind during the complaint process, should it come to that. The police have no time for false-reporting. They have no time for investigating complaints of stalkers or harassment; when you invite the stalker over, or repeatedly interact with a person you've reported as a harasser. The purpose to file a formal complaint of harassment is because you fear them capable of causing you harm; or that person is a potential threat to your safety (or someone you know). You've exhausted every means of avoiding that person, but they persist in contacting you. They go as far as following you in public, appearing out of nowhere, and startling you with an unexpected appearance. He may seem no immediate threat to your safety; but someone who won't take "no" for an answer may be capable anything. In short, the police have no time for games, and you make yourself susceptible to harassment; when you keep enabling the perp! You also tie the hands of law enforcement when you are wishy-washy.
"After we met up those two times recently, he doesn’t call much but I see he’s online."
That's another thing. Why are you monitoring 'his' online-presence? Police don't take a lot of complaints from women seriously, because they insist on playing with the alleged-perpetrator. If he doesn't call much, that's a good sign. It means it's wearing-off. He's distracted and turning his attention to other matters. Obsessions are unhealthy, and potentially dangerous. If you've ever watched the movie "Fatal Attraction;" that should be enough to remind anybody to keep the obsessed-individual at a distance. Obsession isn't love, it comes from a dark place. It is a mental-health issue.
How are you feeling rejected by someone you've asked to stop contacting you? I guess that's a question best answered by your therapist, not one of us.
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A
female
reader, Mb2435 +, writes (9 December 2021):
Mb2435 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes you hit it on the nail. After he dropped me off after the shower, he didn’t call me for two days when he had been calling twice a day. I mention that and it made me the bad guy. Like seriously? Bc I pointed out an obvious observation.
I felt so rejected and anxious. I kept thinking, why does this overwhelming anxiety feel so familiar? And yes it’s like you said. He made me feel like the abused, rejected 13 year old.
In regards to that, he’s always throws in there I wanted it too. I’m so angry at him, myself. I didn’t take into account he’s stalking me like you said. Your response made me recall a time that he waited for me to come home from school when I was 16. He was turning 21 by then bc he’s almost 5 years older than me. I said leave me alone and I remembered by pulled me by my jacket and I ran into my building leaving him w my jacket. I can’t believe I blocked that out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 December 2021):
OP, he is stalking you.
He groomed you into a relationship that was SEXUAL when you were 13! He is still trying to manipulate you.
He takes NO responsibility for what he did when you were 13. He even made some hurtful remarks to make you feel bad. Basically, he put you right back in the vulnerable state of your 13-year-old self. If only for a little while.
I think you should consider talking to a therapist again.
And I also think you need to change your settings for your social media to private so he can't easily find you. Any mail or "friends-request" from someone you haven't GIVEN your social media handle should be rejected, emails deleted.
You might also consider taking a good 3-6 months social media break. You can still keep in touch with people who are important to you (obviously NOT him).
And change your number. Give him ZERO way back in. ZERO way to contact or communicate with you. Stop keeping tabs on him too. You need to cut him off, like a cancerous tumor.
This is NOT a good person, OP. When you called him out on shit what did he do? He put it all on you. He tried to gaslight you into "submission". I'll quote you:
"He then again said I’m hysterical, crazy and imagining he’s hurting me."
THAT is gaslighting right there!!!
He was able to be on his best behavior during the two outings you had. BUT that is NOT who he is. He is also STILL married. If he just left her a month prior, then he is NOt divorced or single. YOU are just someone to entertain him until the divorce is final, he takes him back or he finds someone he wants to date.
He picked you for a reason. He was hoping you would be easy to manipulate and that you STILL somehow had some feelings for him from WAY back when.
He is a RED FLAG walking. His behavior is full of red flags too. YOU know this. That is why you told him it wasn't right for him to try and make you his "dirty little secret" AGAIN.
Honey! OP! For the LOVE of all things good. DO NOT continue ANYTHING with this guy. You deserve SO much better!
I think you should go back to a therapist and explore why you so willingly let "evil" back in. He is NOT a good man. OP.
Please put yourself first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2021): I would say that's exactly what he wants you to feel like.
You ignored him and he used the ' persistence pays off' rule and once he'd finally whittled away your confidence and resolve you relinquished and agreed to meet him.
I can't imagine why you'd believe anything he says on social media or otherwise.
He's playing a players game and probably wanted to get back to where you were.
You think he liked you when you were underage...So much so that things went further.
In fact he liked the control he had over you.
If you were an older person would you engage in sex with an under aged youngster?
Most people most certainly would not because they have moral boundaries but this 'John' does not.
It's sad that he drew you in by implying you weren't a virgin at 13yrs old.
Again it's a players trick: to insult you to get you all hot under the collar so you have him on your mind.
Has it occurred to you that you were actually physically abused and the police are interested in historical sex abuse cases?
Of course this guy would run from you.
Maybe you should think of reporting him to the police if you were engaged in sex with him when he was 18 and you were 13 yrs old.
That would completely alter your perspective on everything and possibly his too.
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