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How would you deal with finding out about a one night stand?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues

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Question - (2 May 2012)

21 Answers - (Newest, 4 May 2012)

A male age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Guys or Gals, please share your thoughts. What if you found out a year into your relationship that your girlfriend or boyfriend had a one night stand after being drunk at a bar with another guy/girl they barely knew only a few weeks before you both became exclusive? Take into account that you were intimate and pursuing each other. Would this upset you or is this something you have to overlook being that things were not official.

FYI, it sucks asking the details of the event :/

View related questions: drunk, one night stand

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I really thank you for the responses. You brought up something that has been in the back of my mind. You mentioned date-rape. I did not post everything about this situation on the forum. What you brought up is very interesting. I remember the day after she went out with this man (did not know this then) because I stayed awake worried about her that night because her phone was being forward. The next day I asked her where was she last night, because I was worried. She said she met with friends for a few drinks and went home because she was tired. Then went to proceed to say that I am glad you are not someone who tries to make people do things they do not want to. I remember being busy that moment and didn't think much of it and agreed I would never do that to anyone. When I would later ask about that question if something happen that night, her face was like a ghost and filled with disgust. She eventually went on to say that this man tried to kiss her when she did not want to and even tried groping her where she finally slapped him. She said that after he kept trying she just left and went home. Now the present, this guy text her (she showed me) a week ago asking her to go out and she declined because she is with me and did not want anything to do with this guy. He went on and text her again asking her to still come out. She sternly declined, but then he text her saying "You sure enjoyed it last time and the way I **** you". He said she gave him oral and proceeded to have sex with her and stopped when she started acting weird. He said he held her in the morning before she left. She then said to me that she is disgusted with herself and the events that took place that night but only remembers bits and pieces. She said she only felt bad because she drank and made a mistake of going out with the man. So to your date rape remark, this has a feeling of it...but I can not tell and she wont admit that because she did not know if she agreed to do anything with him. I know I am looking into this hard. Again, I appreciate the responses so far. If you did read all this, what is the first thing that came to mind? Thank you.

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A female reader, person12345 +, writes (4 May 2012):

How drunk was she? Because there is a reason that when sober people have sex with drunk/high people it's considered legally sexually assault. It's hard to say what happened because both of your memories are "tainted" by what you want the outcome to be at this point though...

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A female reader, chigirl +, writes (3 May 2012):

Hmm, your girlfriends story sounds more and more like date-rape. I mean she doesn't remember what happened and just woke up somewhere with her clothes off?

I didn't see your last follow-up when I posted. It probably doesn't change much anyway though, but at least now you know she didn't plan on the one night stand and it wasn't like she was out and scouting for other men while seeing you.

What does puzzle me is that this was over a year ago, yet you remember the exact day, and what was said on that day. Not only do you remember this, she also remembers this. In reality, people rarely remember these things... and in any case, what she said at that time is now out of context. It was a year ago, and I highly doubt you remember the context and/or what was said correctly. It is extremely rare to remember things literally. The more common way to remember is that we re-tell ourselves what happened. But as with every re-told story, it changes a little by each time, and things from previous memories fill in the blanks, and the rest imagination fills in.

So, be careful in trusting your own "memory" of this too blindly. Maybe she did say those things, but that doesn't mean she was talking about this guy she had sex with. Maybe you got the dates wrong (or she got the dates wrong, unless both of you keep extremely detailed diaries), and she was not talking about that guy at all. But now, in hindsight, it looks like she was.

Anyway, you're over-analyzing. If you need to go back to whom said what a year ago then you are over-analyzing.

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A female reader, chigirl +, writes (3 May 2012):

It is correct that you do not have to get over this if you feel this is a deal breaker. But then again, if it was important to you that she didn't see anyone else besides you when you dated her then you should have made it exclusive. If you were "taking things slow" to such a degree that she felt you were not serious.. well, then you can't really blame her. She was testing out the waters elsewhere because you were too slow with making your moves, and now it's coming back to bite you.

I would be hurt if I was in your shoes. But because I HAVE been in your shoes, and HAVE been hurt by things similar to this, I know now to make it extremely clear exactly what rules we play by. That means I now make sure everyone is on board about what sort of arrangement we have, if we can date others and if so where the line goes (I draw the line at kissing really). I also clearly define what sort of arrangement we have: if it is just a FWB then that is made clear. And next, to completely AVOID situations like these, I simply do not have sex with someone who I am not already exclusive with. I don't like sharing. That means I don't share lovers even, I have them exclusively. And I make it clear whether I will kiss/have sex with/date/flirt with someone else.

I do this, because I've been in your shoes. And there is no right or wrong in this situation, she was entitled to do what she did, and you are entitled to feel hurt by it. But do yourself a favour and stop "going slow" when you're dating, at least make it perfectly clear what the rules of the game are BEFORE you jump into things sexually. This sort of situation is not unique to you, or to men. Men do this to women as well, and in my experience just as much. She probably thought you were sleeping with others, so why shouldn't she?

Don't think of it as that guy not having to "work" to get her to bed. It doesn't exactly sound like you did a lot of work to get her to bed either, seeing as you didn't have to tie the knot before you got intimate. Apparently, your girl is someone who thinks of casual sex as perfectly ok. I'm not judging, I think casual sex is fine as well. It depends on your morals really. But seeing as you and her weren't official, whatever sex you had with her was also casual at first. And she didn't have to work that hard to get you to bed either. So in all fairness, you and her are two of one kind.

Sure it sucks that she had sex with someone else while dating you, but it isn't exactly shocking that she did, tons of people do that. The only way you can prevent it from happening is by talking about whether you will be exclusive or not, and you didn't do that. This is what happens when you "take it slow" and have casual sex without talking about exclusivity. So you can't change what happened, but you have now learned, like I have learned. Don't resent her over it, either dump her or move on from it. It isn't such a big deal really, and at least now it wont happen again with any future relationships you may have.

PS. several guidelines are made as you go along. There are grey areas everywhere, and you never know what you want to do/prevent before you're in these situations. It's just one of the many things you learn as you go along, and not something people automatically know from birth.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Last but not least, I always remembered her saying "I am glad you are not someone who tries and takes advantage of others". This was the day after she went out that night. I did not think much about it (because I did not know she went out with this guy). I asked her recently what she meant by that statement. She said the guy took advantage of her state while she was drunk after getting her a bunch of drinks (she doesn't handle drinking very well) . The next morning she barely remembered anything. She still blames herself for putting herself in that situation and does not blame the alcohol. She only regrets that she met up with this guy.

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A female reader, person12345 +, writes (3 May 2012):

You don't HAVE to get over anything. If you want to be with her though, no one is going to fault you. It's a real gray area. The only thing it comes down to is do you want to be with her, or not. You can justify/rationalize staying or leaving equally I think.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012):

"She was eager to be together with me" so she slept with another guy instead to prove to you how eager she was? I don't know about that OP. That's the complete opposite. "In her mind she felt I was not being too serious about her and only wanted the FWB status." So she specifically went out with another guy, got drunk and shagged someone else based on that, she thought you only wanted casual sex and because she wanted more with you she decided to have casual sex with someone else?

I can see why you're finding this so tough to get over, I can't see any logic in her reasoning. I mean how a person who really likes another and wants to be with them thinks sleeping with another guy is going to speed along the process or make it happen is beyond me. But I guess that was just the nature of her mistake.

As you said though you want to make this work so just stick with her and keep trying to move beyond this.

I would find it exceptionally difficult to move beyond something that really makes no logical sense at all to me. Sleeping with another while dating me says the exact opposite of her claim that she wanted to be more, if she wanted more then why risk all that? Why then lie about it for a year? I would find it hard to move past the idea that she could so readily go out with another guy and sleep with him because she felt that I wasn't taking her seriously enough. Like you said he had to nothing but turn up and bam. I'd constantly wonder if she's going to solve other problems we have that way, I'd worry that we may have another misunderstanding and instead of talking it out with me she will just act impulsively and get what she needs from another guy, but that's just me.

I'm not you, I don't know her or your relationship so I can't really judge.

But I do empathize your situation because this wasn't just a random hook up while drunk, she did this on purpose on the basis of an assumption, it was a planned and thought through act and for reasons she seems to put on you, that you "seemed" not to be that serious, so she thought she'd explore other options. I guess the dude wasn't all the great so, because obviously she chose you. I guess at the end of the day man that's all that really matters. Hopefully it was a one time deal and a mistake she won't repeat in the future.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Most likely I will have to get over this due to the fact we were not exclusive and have had a wonderful relationship since being so. It does hurt a bit knowing someone who worked so little was able to take my girlfriend to bed after a few drinks. She claims it was a mistake and regrets it and later the next day after leaving his place told him she did not want to speak nor see him again. She says the only reason she did not tell me sooner was that she knew it would hurt me and possibly changed how I looked and felt about her. She says she went out with the guy based on a misunderstanding of where we were in terms of our relationship. She was eager to be together with me whereas I was taking things slow as I usually do in a relationship, especially ones where we have been good friends. In her mind she felt I was not being too serious about her and only wanted the FWB status. Obviously that was not the case. So now this thing stings a bit, but will have to get over it.

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A female reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 May 2012):

I just wanted to add that my answer was written under the impression you two weren't dating when she did this. If you were and afterwards you two got 'exclusive' it would be a different thing.

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A female reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 May 2012):

Well, if it was before you guys were officially dating, I'd chalk it up to her experimentation phase. You two weren't exclusive, so she had the right to do as she pleased. If she's treated you well since you got together and didn't exhibit questionable behavior like getting drunk out of her mind while you're together, I'd forget about it.

The past is the past. If she cheated on you it would have been a different story, but as it stands she hasn't been unfaithful to you and her sexual exploits before you two were an item are nobody's business except her own. It would be unfair to judge her for that. Don't keep asking for details, it'll just make you more upset and it won't change anything.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (3 May 2012):

How has she been since you got together? Any other instances of drunkenness/inebriation or cheating?

Look OP, sure it would hurt like hell, I mean technicalities apart, it will seem unforgivable at first. But you have to consider other things too. Like your relationship now and whether deep down do you trust her or not? Please don't ask for details, it will just make things worse, you know she hooked up with someone and that's more than enough information to handle.

If you think now that you have a strong relationship and this is the girl you're meant to be with, then you might want to overlook this fact. Its difficult but you have to try. You say you were intimate during the time when this happened, I'm assuming you were sexually active, which puts you in immediate risk of STDs'. Were you FWB's before you became exclusive? Because if you were, this could take an entirely different turn.

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A female reader, chigirl +, writes (2 May 2012):

PS. I think knowing this would hurt about as much as it'd hurt if someone I liked/was interested in had sex with someone else, or got with someone else. Even without that person having any romantic relationship with me. It just hurts if the one you like doesn't like you back, or doesn't appear that interested in you.

These things can hurt for many different reasons really. I've had crushes on guys who were in love with other girls, and even if they began liking me at a later point I would still feel hurt to a degree that they didn't like me as much, or for as long, as I had liked them. But that's stuff you need to live with when you're not exclusive with someone (or even dating them). It hurts, but her not being as into you back then doesn't mean she can't be crazy about you now. Just something to think about. Figure out why this hurts you, because your pain can come from several different sources and you wont know how to fight it until you know what's causing it.

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A female reader, chigirl +, writes (2 May 2012):

I don't know why she told you.. or why you even asked. Yeah, it'd suck to know. Which is why you just don't ask these things, nor tell. You and her weren't official. You weren't exclusive. And when you haven't sealed the deal yet then you risk things like this happening... Just remember that you and her weren't serious about each other yet at that point.

And, don't get intimate again with anyone until you've agreed on exclusivity. Exclusivity doesn't have to come in the form of an official relationship, for example you can tell a person you date that you want to date them exclusively, or that if they become more serious about someone else (like kissing someone else) then you simply stop dating.

But yeah, sure it'd suck to know that the person you were falling for, or had an interest in, perhaps wasn't as infatuated with you as you were with them. If that was the case it is. If I myself wasn't too serious about them at that point either, and maybe flirted with other guys myself, then I wouldn't care.

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A female reader, straight to the truth +, writes (2 May 2012):

i think if you'd been on a few dates then fine but once you are at the intimate stage then this is more of betrayal on the relationship.

under these circumstances I would feel awful and i dont know how/if i would get over it. I personally would need to talk it through and it would really depend on where the relationship was at when I found out.

If it is a year into the relationship and you thought everyone was going well, no other hicups and this could be the one then the question is more "will you ever trust her again" if so then work through it and see how things go but if you go down this route then dont make the mistake of thinking you can bring it up in every argument, you will need to deal with it and move on.

If you dont think you will trust her again and if you feel you was cheeted on then it might be best to move on to save any extra heartache.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012):

I know these days you're "supposed" to be okay with the whole "you weren't exclusive" thing but that doesn't wash with me. I don't care about the technicality of it nor that she's "chosen" me, neither will take those images out of your head especially since you've invested a year into this relationship without knowing. That's a whole different kettle of fish altogether. What else don't you know? How many other guys has she kissed and hooked up with at that time? How can you know if she's been fully faithful if having drunken one nights stands while already seeing someone else is her thing?

Look it's easy for me sitting here on the outside to say dump her I'm not emotionally invested in her. You have to take your time and like the others said stop torturing yourself with details but do find out what else she's not telling you. It would also be a good idea to get tested for STD's. Some are symptomless and you need to at least ensure that side is covered.

Look you have two choices, stay, fight this, see it out and see if you can get over it or walk. Neither option is pleasant but at least if you fight you can say you tried.

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A male reader, childof1981 +, writes (2 May 2012):

There are two aspects here and they are both breaches of trust unless you had a truly odd agreement. First as the two of you did not make any exclusivity promises you should not consider it cheating. The second part is about him/her not communicating about another sexual partner so you could make an informed choice about sexual contact. Unless he/she cooled things off after the event long enough to get properly tested then you have to deal with how this person was reckless about your health.

Personally I would forgive and move on with things and make it clear that it's not alright to avoid an uncomfortable conversation at the expense of your health.

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A female reader, babygirllovej +, writes (2 May 2012):

Hello,

I wouldn't be happy about it and yes it would upset me but I would just have to put it behind me and forget about it.

She didn't cheat on you as you were not exclusive. She did nothing wrong and in my opinion it's not fair for you to get mad at her over this.

The best thing to do is forget about it. Otherwise you are not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with her and in the end this will only ruin it. Either you break up with her now or you forget about it.