A
female
age
30-35,
*oeismeanyou
writes:I've been seeing this guy I really like for about a month now. I dropped the other people I dated just to focus on our relationship (that's how much I like him). So far, so good. He's nice, cute and has an amazing personality. Here's the catch: I noticed he has bad body odor, and his room is super messy. I don't expect it to be spotless, but there is literally trash everywhere. I want to speak to him about it, but I don't know how to bring this issue to his attention without sounding rude. I would even offer to clean up for him, heck I would do anything to have that room clean since I'm at his place more than he is at mine (grandmother is weird about who I bring around the house). I also don't want to bring him to meet my family and have them judge him because of his body odor and his slightly sloppy attire than for the person who he really is. How could I tell him that he doesn't smell too nice and that he should clean up without sounding like a prude? I don't want to dump him for these easily fixable issues. How do I go about this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2015): HoneyPie is right, you must NOT offer to clean his flat for him.
I also just wanted to point out that these two signs can be indicators of ADHD - might be worth checking out if he has any other symptoms of it eg. breaks things easily, very chaotic lifestyle, very weak in regard to planning anything BUT responds well to other people's routines and can often adapt.
If he does have ADHD be careful - you can easily end up becoming 'parent' to their childlike ways.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): The saying "sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind" applies here.
The guy stinks and lives in a shit hole. I can't see how you look past that but I can understand, if he treats you with kindness and respect and you have fun together then of course you are interested in him. But this issue will build and could end up being a deal breaker.
I would tell him outright, he needs to shower, brush his teeth etc...because it's turning you off. You also say you're not comfortable visiting him because his room is not welcoming. Don't do it for him, you're not a replacement mother and he is perfectly capable.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 May 2015):
 "Whew, babe, have you been working out again? You have that gym sweat aroma thing going on there. Go take a shower ... and use a clean towel, mkay? I'm so ready to hang out with you but the odor thing needs to be dealt with ASAP, ha!"
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"Babe, this is really awkward for me to say but I need to point something out here. Your room has a lot of trash in it, and it smells. I'm freaked out by mice and cockroaches and this room is just asking for an infestation. Please take care of that before we hang out there again, mkay? It would make me feel more comfortable." *sweet smile* *flirty laugh* *blatant ass grab*
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (19 May 2015):
 I don't think that there is any round about way in telling him that he needs to bath more and even change his diet because what person eats often is the cause of body smell. Since you are determined to fix the smell issue, and there is no polite way to do it then just get the grit and tell it to him with the smile. Describe that others breath him even tho he may not be aware of that; that it is part of politeness and good humanness to work at smelling nice for other people; that he should do it for you if he likes you as part of pleading your partner. Get him a cologne or take him to pick few of them out together. In addition to his room, offer to examine his diet and see if there are any connections between the type of food he eats with his body odor. Things like garlic, fried foods and curry cause a body to stink. There are other foods, of course, so look into that. Absent food, look on the web what others have experienced with body odor because there is an "unknown" odor condition that many people endure but doctors don't diagnose and people wonder how to fix. I've seen long discussion boards and talk on places like Patient.co.uk or Reddit on possible cures for such condition. Not that your man is like that but at least you are aware that there is such mysterious odor condition. Try to strike a balance between humor, seriousness and genuine concern.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): Whenever you start a new relationship, there are a few things you can postpone until you become more familiar with each other. You have to establish trust, and become comfortable with talking to each other. Open-communication should start from day-one. Hygiene shouldn't even be an issue. If it is, you have to speak up immediately!
Sloppiness and bad-hygiene are really deal-breakers. If a guy really has good self-esteem and a respect for how he presents himself to people; he will wash his body, hair, and teeth. How can you kiss, hug, or be intimate with someone who smells? How can it be the least bit appealing for someone with B.O. sweating and breathing on you? If his body isn't clean, nor is his mouth.
He can also pass on yeast infections from not keeping his crotch area dry and clean. If he's hairy, he will be loaded with bacteria, fungus, and dried sweat. The perfect medium for yeast.
He's old enough to know about soap, water, and deodorant; and if he wants to date, he should use them!!! Accepting poor hygiene is not accepting someone for who they are. You're just tolerating poor grooming habits. A lot of guys write it off as being macho. Bullsh*t!!! It's just nasty and gross!
He isn't showing you the proper respect as a lady; by not cleaning-up his room or his body, before going on a date. You're being far too passive by letting him get away with not cleaning his room, or cleaning-up for you. He should shower, wear clean clothes, tidy-up his room, and present himself like a decent gentleman. Just excusing his poor habits doesn't reflect well on you. It's an indication that you'll simply settle for anything, have very low expectations from men, and you don't insist that guys give you their best. You're worth it. So expect and demand more for yourself. You may not be perfect, but you're clean!
Part of demonstrating how a guy feels about you and how much he respects you; is going out of his way to look and smell his best. It adds to his sex-appeal and tells you something about his character. Being a slob is not good character, it's lazy and indecent. It's piggish!
Being ashamed to introduce him to your family is a clear indication that you know he is falling short of what you should expect from him yourself. Your family has every right to judge his hygiene. He should care about what impression he makes on your folks; they are the people who love you.
If you neglect your grooming, you can't get a job, you can't be around people without offending them; and he's old enough to know better. He'll constantly embarrass you, and gross you out. You can't take him around your friends.
Personally, I can't stand knee-deep in squaller, and dirty clothes. I'll probably puke. My boyfriend owns a business building patios, paving around pools, building fancy stone walls; and those glorious stone driveways in-front of estates. He likes getting his hands dirty, operating heavy equipment, and loves the lifting. He's a magnificent specimen of a guy, and talk about dirty? He gets filthy!!!
He takes his camper-trailer on all his projects, and takes time to shower and change; and he wouldn't present himself to his own mother or father; if he didn't clean-up first. You deserve no less than that. You're not his maid; so don't do it for him. Show him how to do it, and ask that he take a shower and change before a date. You have to be just that direct. You really shouldn't have to say it at all. It should be automatic.
Let him know how much you like him; and how hard it is for you to say these things. You want to see him often, and would like things to be nice when you do.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 May 2015):
 If you don't judge him, then why would your family? If you are embarrassed by him, then sorry to tell you, but you shouldn't be with him. When with someone you need to ACCEPT them for who they are. If you go around wishing they were something else, or different in any way, then you're with the wrong guy!!!
So either accept the way his body smells, and accept that he lives in a mess, or move on. Yes, he's got some good qualities, but if you're so embarrassed by him that you're afraid to bring him to your house, then clearly there's a big issue here: you're not accepting him as he is. YOU don't think he's good enough, which is why you are afraid to bring him home. If YOU thought he was good enough and you were firm in this belief, then you would not worry about what your family might think. You worry precisely because you yourself are the one who judge him.
American boys his age aren't mature. Neither are the girls, for that matter. They don't clean up after themselves because they're used to living at home where their mom does it for them. It takes some years to get the "cleanliness" into their system. I say he wont become clean and tidy until he's done with college. It's just part of the maturing process. I didn't become clean and tidy until I was around 18-19, but that was after living on my own for three years.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 May 2015):
 Don't offer to clean for him. He is a GROWN ASS MAN and can clean his place himself. YOU are not his mom or his maid.
Tell him, honey I really like spending time with you but your place is disgusting, do you think you could clean it up? It's like visiting a dump.
As for the body odor. Well, if he is generally a messy person, maybe it extends to his personal hygiene. So if he can't take care of the mess at his place, who knows if he can do himself.
So many guy move out and live in pigsties. They are SO used to mom telling them to shower, to put on clean clothes that they seem unable to do that on their own, and forget about cleaning.. mom used to do it and now that they are out on their own they don't seem to comprehend that IT IS their job to pick up after themselves.. MOM is not going to show up (I hope) twice a week to wash clothes and clean their place).
Does he have access to a washer and dryer? Does he know how to use them? Is his body odor because HE is unwashed or his clothes? A friend of mine's teenage son (19) used to "do" laundry by hosing down his clothes in Febreeze.. which makes it smell nice (temporarily) but doesn't clean it. So his mom gave him some "laundry lessons".
I think you need to be honest with him. He may NOT like to hear it, but I think he really NEEDS to.
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