A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my husband and I are not really having a problem so much as just needing advice, words of wisdom, etc.I was having lunch with my husband and his brother's girlfriend who is 4 months pregnant with his brother's child (obviously). My husband went to the restroom and the girlfriend and I got to talking about houses and condos and whatnot. Well, she turned her attention to my father-in-law's (FIL) house in florida (we live in a different state) and his condo which is in the state we all reside. She was talking about how when my FIL dies they can't decide if they'll just use the house in FL as a summer home or if they'll just move and live there.**I should note that they already rent the condo my FIL owns and my FIL retired to the Florida home.I thought it wise to mention to her that my husband (and myself now that we're married and I'm included in the will now) and his brother have to sell absolutely everything owned by my FIL after he's passes away which is written in his will. We didn't just make it up out of thin air. She seemed really surprised and almost upset that I said that.I couldn't figure out if she thought we'd sell the condo out from under them or what? We just plan on abiding by the will.Later in the week, after the lunch, we talking about the possibilities of what we all should do when my FIL does die. (not for monetary gain)but let's face it, anyone who has dealt with the death of a parent and a will with a lot of assets knows what I'm talking about. We simply told them we had no interest in keeping the condo or the house, but if they wanted to buy out our portion from us we'd be more than happy to sell it. Plus we didn't want to completely kick them out of where they already live. They seemed somewhat ok with the idea as did the FIL, but I could still feel some tension/hesitation from my brother in law and his girlfriend.The problem I'm having with all this is, this is a woman who admittedly trapped my brother in law with this pregnancy (although truth be told, I really don't hold it against her now because it's happened and there is not anything I can do about it) and is already trying to plan what to do with an inheritance that legally does not belong to her. What's worse is my FIL is nowhere near dying and it just seems kind of rude and morbid. I was honestly surprised by all this. I just couldn't believe she was planning trips and living in his houses and he's not even dead in the ground yet.I hated we even had to have the conversation of us selling our portion of everything to them if they wanted it. I know my FIL is totally fine with it, but the fact that she brought it up when he's not even close to death really gets under my skin. Has anyone else experience this sort of weirdness when it's family and a will involved??????? I've never in my life had to discuss assets of someone else and would appreciate input on how to deal with it without causing a rift in the family.Also if anyone needs anymore information, I'd be happy to provide it.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 October 2013):
 I'd say something like this: "Gloria, gosh, what an awkward and unusual question. FIL is not dead, is not dying and is nowhere near dying. Maybe this is something you discuss freely in your family but in this one, it's considered poor manners and kind of creepy to be distributing assets before the person in question has even had so much as a bad cold."
or
"Gosh, Sheila, you must come from a very lucky family where no one has died, otherwise you'd know that the estate of someone who has died has to go through probate. He has a will which will have to be followed and the estate will take at least a year to sort through. This is a typical of anyone, even someone where death was expected. I hope FIL has many happy happy days yet on this earth. Maybe you and Georg are very focused on the future because of the baby, but this line of discussion isn't really appropriate at this point in time."
or
"Samantha, this topic of distributing the assets of a man who is not ill or in anyway facing death is a bit distressing and upsetting. Is there some reason besides the baby's imminent arrival that you feel this is an appropriate topic? It may be something that your family feels comfortable with but I do find it morbid and rather upsetting. In the time I've been a member of this family, this isn't something that has come up and I know FIL has his affairs sorted out and a will so maybe we can defer this conversation to the two men who are direct descendants of FIL, his sons, brothers who are your boyfriend and my husband, respectively."
or what I would do, just end the conversation right there with a "we've talked about this once and now I feel it's up to my FIL to distribute his estate as he chooses. I don't have much to say beyond that." And firmly change the subject.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 October 2013):
 Read Aunty Em's advice twice...it makes good sense.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (13 October 2013):
 It makes no difference that you are married to his son or that this woman is having his other sons child.
Your FIL has made a will and a decent lawyer will make sure that the contents of that will are carried out to the letter.
I am a funeral arranger and think that making wills and arrangements for after your demise are a very good idea.
However, despite how open your FIL is about his wishes I think it's quite sad that this woman is already mentally spending it.
I'm sorry but I think that you getting into dialogue with her about your FIL's arrangements in the first instance (when she clearly was not aware of his wishes) was a massive breach of his confidentiality and , in my opinion, a knee jerk reaction to your own greed.
If you knew he had a will and the contents of it then you should have known that it didn't matter what she said, the will would be carried out.
You had no need to discuss this with her. By all means you could have mentioned her comment to your husband later and then let him decide if anything was to be said but you didn't.
You dislike the fact that she may get any of this mans inheritance but to be honest it's NOT your money or hers or even the brothers.
It's the FIL's and right now he's probably feeling quite unhappy that you guys talk about what you're going to do and what you're going to get when he dies!
I experience weird families and mercenary relatives every day, I also encounter loving families who would rather have their loved one around for just one more day than any of their money.
Your FIL has made a will and he can change it at anytime and it would be his right to do so and he is NOT at liberty to give anything to any of you or tell you of his decisions.
It is not for you all to discuss. I suggest you treat this lovely man with a bit more respect and enjoy his presence at every opportunity whilst he's still with you.
No matter how open and up front he is it must be awful for your FIL, knowing his son's partners are discussing and divvying up his estate long before he's even dead.
AB x
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 October 2013):
 The best way to deal with it is...to NOT deal with it.
Legally You yourself and the other woman have no claim over your father in laws estate either, it would only be his natural children and grandchildren who would be entitled.
It also sucks that you are even being drawn into this kind of conversation, when neither of you have any vested interest and even if you did...it's still really poor to be wrangling over someone else's money!!
Many things may happen over the coming years. Your father in law may marry someone else, may have other children, may spend all his funds on his old age, may require long term nursing care or may even leave everything to the cats home!!...whatever he does, it's absolutely none of you'alls business until you are informed officially following his death.
I agree that planning what someone will do with the money, before the person has died or before it's even been bequeathed is completely vile, but some families do this everyday, schemeing and planning how to manipulate the situation!!...it's wrong and you and the other woman should be the last people discussing it...so when she brings it up again, remind her of the facts...it's none of you or her business!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 October 2013):
 Sorry, I get me a little disgusted when people talk about a family members death and THAT family members belongs like it's candy or thing THEY actually own.
It would NOT be something I'd wish to discuss.
ID however your FIL brings it up I would ask HIM what he WANTS to happen to HIS stuff.
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