A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well, I'm a person who has not yet found her life partner. I wasn't even in search of one when at 19 yrs of age I came across a guy who kept wooing me for about 5 yrs. When I interacted with any other suitor he detested it but never proposed me either. At the same time he placed plenty of emotional traps to give me an impression that he'd soon tell me and kept trusting him. One fine day i get to know from his accounts(he'd given pswds to all of his online accounts) that his marriage was finalised and he'd not even told me of it. When I questioned him on all his past actions he conveniently told me that he'd only treated me as his very close and dearest friend. When I asked him as to what made him not tell this good a friend about his marriage being finalised he said that he didn't consider his marriage as a significant thing to share! He never even invited me for his marriage. Later, after his marriage he again heavily flirted with me(I let him know that I'd thought that the news of his marriage was a story pulled out to make me jealous and see my reaction and that I'd a hope that in reality he didn't marry) again for about half an year. After that my friends interfered, spoke to him and confronted him. He told them about his wife and his marriage. Then my best friend whom i'd introduced to him 3 yrs ago asked him as to why he'd not discussed with him about his marriage or his wife on his own before he tried to wriggle away by giving his usual excuses. Like the most corrupt people he kept saying that his "conscience is clear." At the same time he said that he was sorry about the harm he did to me "unknowingly."First I was very upset but gradually I moved on. I realised how many guys were waiting out there trying to get me. I was hard to get for many of them. However one guy in my neighbourhood who'd wooed me since the time we were 14yrs old managed to get more response from my side. Gradually I'd a huge crush on him but since he wasn't specifically saying anything I was very cautious this time. He asked me to drink with him an I politely declined. Once when he repeatedly tried to coax me to drink with him I rather advised him to drink lesser(he used to drink just too much) and suggested that hanging out with friends or partying doesn't only and essentially mean drinking. Also the last time I'd met him prior to this discussion I'd felt very uncomfortable with him. After this discussion he reacted very strongly saying that I or no one else in this world could advise him what he should or shouldn't be doing. I found it very strange that he reacted like that to his well wishers and again politely told him how I felt. In moments he asked me to never contact him ever again. I didn't feel very bad about this episode and rather thanked my stars that rid me of a person who was having such a nature though I'd invested about 2 yrs of my life on this crush. My feeling not so bad may also be on account of the information I'd gathered about him from many sources of his nature of telling lies(once he'd asked me to meet him and called off the meeting at the last minute stating some urgent work in connection with his office and was spotted with some girl and many similar instances when he told me that he was going for an all boys' party whereas he was seen with some or the other girl each time).I thought I was done with all this. I was rather happy that I was a single who held immense potential to do some good work that could help a needy child on street without food. I thought I was free and not bound by the restrictions of a relationship that would help me fight for justice being granted to some old lady who lost her children to some corrupt people's whimsical ways etc. I was determined to improve my career further to achieve higher professionally which could indirectly enable to sustain my interest in serving people and making this world a happier place.In no less than a few months another guy came in who wooed me way more than others. Almost every awake minute he'd msg. me or talk to me. His friend brought in a news that he'd taken seriously ill and was diagnosed with typhoid. He and his friends kept requesting me to go and meet him. One day they requested so much that I finally took a few of my friends out of the concern I'd sincerely for another person who wasn't well. What made my friends surprised was that he showed up for an evening class the same day. He would keep fishing for reasons to meet me or going out with me. He would tell me everything about his day, how he spent it, whom he spoke to, about his parents, his relatives and friends. He told me his deepest secrets like his habits of drug abuse which he was trying to get rid of and that since he spoke to me he hardly was interested in doing drugs any more. He told me in our first-most-open conversation about his father's losing job on getting caught after taking bribe on charges of corruption and that his interaction with his father was as little as nothing; this impression he soon tried to change in different ways though I never changed my attitude based on the information as I hoped that this guy who was wooing me wasn't of a kind who'd indulge in the same. He asked me to not interact with most other guys saying some excuse or the other. Those of my male friends who were very close to me he'd symptomatically and by his talk shown his irritation about my talking to them and being their friend. He began to make me jealous and ask me if I felt jealous. He began to reveal how he'd got a fake medical test result to gain my sympathy in the initial days. He started telling me almost every other day that he was to tell me something and didn't tell. Then after few months he told me that he'd a crush on his office colleague whom he'd proposed 2 yrs ago. I asked him if it was this thing that he'd been waiting to tell me some weeks ago and that if he still felt the same for her. He clearly said a no. Then immediately the next day he said that she was the sweetest thing that happened in his life but even she can never replace the place he's developed for me. This was a very confusing statement and I asked him about it which he almost avoided and instead flirted with me(giving me an impression that it was me whom he sincerely loved now). The day next he said that his time of study was wasted on that girl last evening when she'd called him up. On my asking him he said that he still loved her and that she'd not refused him ever before. He also told me that she was planning to introduce him to her dad to get her father's permission to let them marry. At this point of time I let him know that he'd been duping me all these days saying that he'd no girl friend and his response was that he was still single and that this girl wasn't his girl friend and nor was he committed to her. I was disgusted by all this. After we left the spot he kept msging me asking me what went wrong and why I'd got so upset and angry with him. He kept pretending as if he knew nothing and had no clue. After somtime he came around and asked me when did I feel "that way" and what in his behaviour made me "feel like that!" He apologised in his msgs.and asked me what he should do. And to my surprise in a short time of few hrs he completely changed his stand. I went and sat near him thinking that he'd apologised and he rather behaved in front of everyone as if I was running behind him. The same person who'd asked me to never let this episode affect our friendship didn't even pick my calls. Later when I called a common friend of ours( a female) she pretended as if she was not at all close to him and said that she'd certainly confront him in my support. And in moments she too went changed. She revealed that both of them are very close and it was me who fell for him and that he was at that point of time talking to her another female friend(at a time I was hardly interested in knowing about his way of emotionally hurting or using girls or his habit of making many platonic female friends, whatever it was that she was trying to showcase it as). What hurt me was not just the extent of manipulation and game playing he and this female were together trying all along but also the time I wasted which could be better utilised in studying or doing some good work or with a person who had the right intentions that too each time at his instance. I'm by now out of this mental agony too. Nonetheless I want to understand what corrective measures I should be taking to avoid being gullible enough to get into the trap of such gamers, corrupted and pretentious people who suffer from Machiavellianism. Obviously from all my other interactions with my male friends with whom I share very healthy platonic or in some cases brother-sister relations it'd be a further twisting of reality if one was to take me to be either a histrionic female or a person who jumped into conclusions or making inferences. Please tell me how should I save myself from the loss of time, my precious emotions, career opportunities and sincere lovers in the process of falling for such traps?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): thank you ms.anonymous. but ma'am, when i said that they flirted heavily with me i meant also that they'd asked me out for dates ("....how about going out on a date tonight/tomorrow...," and "...will you come with me for a candle light dinner tonight/tomorow evening/.....," and after the date/dinner even thanking me at wee hrs of night 2-4am saying "....thanks for going out with me, never felt like this before..." ). They said almost on a daily basis how much they found me beautiful, how mad they were about my eyes, how lost they would get thinking about me, how difficult they found it to focus on studies because of being pre-occupied with thoughts about me, how much they deeply loved me, how much they liked me, that if only one person was to be chosen to live this life with and God asked them it'd be only me, that they didn't eat/drink/consume food/beverage ever before with anyone in the same dish/can(by the way its they who came up with the idea of sharing food like that and felt glad about it and expressive of symbolic of love and our special bonding)..in fact at least one of these never less than 2-3 times everyday!
So I'm unable to understand now as to whether I should have put a deadline of 1-2yrs/few months before they proposed me for marriage and then walked out when they didn't or taken it for granted that they weren't serious at some stage how , why and when?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): Appears you are wasting much energy on men who don't even ask to date you. If men are trying to get close to you but can't ask you out to dinner and attempt to make a proper relationship, don't give them the time of day. Thats how I see your problem.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 please see my answer to your similar question posted today - the other question is titled 'how do i avoid cheating lying flirting men'
Regards Abella
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