A
male
age
30-35,
*overBoy91
writes:Hello, I'm having this problem with my girlfriend of 7 months, she is really obstinate, or pigheaded any way you wanna call it. Although as pigheaded as she is, she is really good, and nice. She loves me a lot, I can really tell, even with my defects I know she does and she doesn't want to lose me, but recently I've noticed this annoying problem. It really embarrasses me to confess that I noticed this problem when I asked her for oral sex once.The first time she went down on me she did it because she wanted to, I didn't ask for it. But now, after some time, I asked her, please, to do it again, and she was like "NO." and I was like "But why?" and she said "Cuz I don't want to." So end of the situation, I accepted the declination, but it really hurt my feelings, not because she didn't want to go down on me, but because of her sharpness and unwillingness to accept a deal (like for example if I do her a favor too, like going down on her too). It was like, "I won't do it because I don't want to and there's nothing you can do to change my mind, I'll do it when I want to do it and period."Anyway, that was just the beginning, recently it was that she went out to a disco (here in Puerto Rico the discos aren't usually really nice places, lots of people have gotten killed in those places) and when I asked her to take me with her next time, cuz I wanna go with her she said "No, because I don't want to expose you to that kind of environment." (She is poor, and lives in one of those places...for poor people, and so she is used to people getting killed around her, drugs, cops, etc.) And I was like "But why can you go and I can't?" and she said "Because I don't want you to go there, it's really dangerous and I don't want to have to be watching over you all the time, it'll make me nervous." (That really set me on fire, I'm not a macho man, but what is a girl doing telling a man that, quote, "...I don't want to have to be watching over you..."?) Decision: You won't go with me to the disco because I don't want to and period.Finally, and most recently, I asked her when she was going to college and study something she can work on to make more money. (She currently works at the local Wendy's fast food restaurant) She told me "I don't know, and don't push me because I don't like to do things when people push me." I was like "How can you say that?! It's your future we're talking about!" And she said that she won't do it as long as she feels obligated. (Kinda the same as giving me oral sex, she said she won't do it if she feels obligated.Besides that attitude problem I noticed, she is really great, she loves to hang out with me (in nice places), she loves to do house work, she loves to cook to me, she does almost everything I ask her to do for me, i.E massages, back rubs, and that sort of things, all in all, she is really really good and if it isn't for that one thing I've noticed recently, she's perfect for me.I want to know how to approach the topic without insulting her or making her feel bad or anything, and what should I say, and what should I recommend her, etc.I appreciate any advice. Thanks! And I'm REALLY sorry for the wall of text I just wrote. (More like a bible... -.-)
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male
reader, LoverBoy91 +, writes (24 February 2010):
LoverBoy91 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks a lot to you both, especially Fatherly Advice, that was really good stuff, I think I see what I have better now.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (23 February 2010):
 You are more advantaged than her. Does that mean that you are in college? If so I would suggest some course work in Child psychology.
No is an empowering word and she has a need to feel empowered around you. She is dating up, so she feels at a disadvantage. She is digging in her heels because you are nagging. You have asked us this question 4 times So I know you are getting pushy on the oral sex thing. This is the first time you have mentioned her reason for refusal. I think you may be onto something.
The trick with dealing with her personality type is to pick your battles. You won't win them all. When she wins on something then she feels better about herself. When she gives in she feels she has lost part of herself. The harder you push the more she will push back so let those battles go and try something else.
I would suggest letting go on the oral sex because it is her biggest power. I would also suggest letting go on the disco, you are hanging on to it to prove your manliness. She wants you because it is a way out of that world. If you go into her world, then you cease to be her ticket out. She needs to see you for what you offer her in status. She doesn't need a strong man. She is sending that message. She needs to be in your world. When you get her far enough into your world she will start to see college as a possibility. From her current point of view it is impossible. When you keep pushing for a sexual favor that many see as demeaning she questions how you value her. That makes her wonder if you will leave her. that makes her unconfident to go to college, because she thinks you will leave her without that passage to the better social circles. When she is on top of the world and feels good about her power then she will want to give you everything.
FA
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (23 February 2010):
 I don't think she has an attitude problem at all! So she went down on you once and won't do it again? have you considered she did it that first time to please you but she just doesn't enjoy doing it? and you can't bargain on something like that, if she doesn't wanna do something you should be supportive of that and let her know it's okay.
As for the disco thing, maybe she's just being truthful and really doesn't want to expose you to that environment or maybe she sees it as a place she can hang out with her friends by herself.
I don't know why she'd be defensive over the college thing, do you often tell her what she should be doing? If you do then maybe she's resentful of that or just wants to work it out and do it in her own time. Be careful of how you bring it up with her, make sure you sound supportive and encouraging, not like you're trying to force her into it.
Instead of trying to change her be glad you've got this girl who's independent and knows her own mind, They're good qualities to have!
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