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How many is too many sexual partners?

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Question - (8 February 2006) 186 Answers - (Newest, 15 December 2010)
A male , *ochise writes:

How Many is Too Many??

I am just curious,

I had the post earlier about peoples opinions/views on casual sex? That got me to thinking, how many would you think is too many for past number of sexual partners??

I mean I know there are averages out there and the whole woman lie and say less, men lie and say more, but I am just curious, on this board, if you are dating someone and they finally tell you “I have been with x number of people”, what number would make you jump back and say “wow, that is a lot of people, I don’t think I can deal with that”

Say in age range from:

teens to twenty

twenty to twenty-five

twenty-five to thirty

thirty to thirty-five

thirty-five to forty

Also, making the assumption they were never married, maybe in a couple long term relationships, but never married.

So, say you are a guy, dating a woman 38 years old, never married, and she finally says “I have been with x number of people”, what would be the number that would make you say, wow, that is just too many sexual partners………

I am curious also if the numbers are different when talking about a man or a woman??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010):

I am 20 years old, and I have had 3 sex partners. I started having sex when I was 18. I always thought I wanted to stay virgin until I got married. I met a wonderful boy when I was 17, we started dating when I just turned 18 and had the most romantic and wonderful relationship ever. I decided that he was "the one" and i agreed to have sex with him. He is 3 years older, and he had 3 partners before me, so I was his 4th one. He made me feel wonderful, and I know that he loved me, and still does. It did not bother me that he had sex with someone before me. He was great in bed, and besides that he is a wonderful person. He made me feel absolutely beautiful and special, and I thought he did not want anyone but me. He has changed so much when he met me. He said that I made him realize things that really do matter in this world. We even thought about getting married in the future. I really did see a big change in him, a better change. It just bothered me that he flirted with other girls online, and he lied about it. There were other things, but its a long story. We broke up because I insisted. Then I met a guy who I had a 1 night stand with. He was a lot older, and believe it or not, he was not that great in bed considering how many sex partners he has had. Then I met a boy that I dated for a week, and then we had sex, he was very brutal, and i hated it. We did not date for long, i left him. He played a nice guy with me, but my morals and views on life are totally different. His game was fake, and in the reality he is not who he pretended to be with me. Now I started seeing my very first sex partner again. We met again in college, and were friends at first, but we did have sex later on. I dont know if I should tell him that I had sex with 2 more guys, but only I know that he was the one who i really enjoyed doing it with. Maybe its because of that connection that we have, and that love that was between us. He says he is still absolutely crazy about me, but i do not know if he can take that I was with 2 more guys after we broke up. I never thought that it mattered, and 3 partners is not too much in my opinion. Its just the last 2 I wish i never had, not because its wrong or anything, but because i tried something different, and it was awful. I really do regret very few things in my life, and I believe that we live and we learn, and past is what teaches us, our mistakes too. But I wish sometimes that my first partner was my only partner.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010):

Ok so 15 partners for a woman who is 30 years old and started having sex at 14 years old is too much? If that's the case, what's the highest acceptable number for a woman that age, with that many partners, and that many years of being sexually active? From my understanding of this particular woman, here's the breakdown:

Between ages 14-18: 7 partners

Between ages 18-22: 2 Partners

Between ages 23-30: 6 partners

If you notice, her more promiscuous years were during her teen years. What do you all think? Is this woman overall a promiscuous person? Can a man easily settle down with her if he knew this about her? Good questions....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010):

The number is a personal thing that not many people talk about, so if it's a casual relationship, don't ask. If it's a serious one, take it as the truth until proven otherwise.

If your girl is great in bed and says you are #4, believe her. Great sex has nothing to do with having many partners. It's about communication, love, and response. Plenty of ppl have slept around all over the place and are terrible when it comes to satisfying their parnter.

I'm 28 and have had 7 partners. Just to throw my 2 cents in. Another 2 cents- I don't understand why people say they have given someone a "pity fuck".. that's just wrong.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010):

Ok so 15 partners for a woman who is 30 years old and started having sex at 14 years old is too much? If that's the case, what's the highest acceptable number for a woman that age, with that many partners, and that many years of being sexually active? From my understanding of this particular woman, here's the breakdown:

Between ages 14-18: 7 partners

Between ages 18-22: 2 Partners

Between ages 23-30: 6 partners

If you notice, her more promiscuous years were during her teen years. What do you all think? Is this woman overall a promiscuous person? Can a man easily settle down with her if he knew this about her? Good questions....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010):

To the last guy: Yes, 15 sex partners for a woman who is 30 is way too many. Unless of course you are a man of 29 and have had 70 sex partners. Did you say seventy as in seven zero? And you are having a problem with all of the guys who have been inside of your girlfriend? I'm not sure I get what you are so upset about. Goose/gander thing....ever hear of that? My wife has had close to 40 guys inside of her and I don't like it one bit. May never get over it. On the other hand.....had I been with 70 women, it might not bother me so much! As far as how many is too many: If one ever finds the right mate then anything over one is too many. You've been with almost five times as many women as she has had men. Give her a break and be glad she hasn't been with as many as you!

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A male reader, Mdotblake United States +, writes (29 November 2010):

So here's the deal, my girlfriend initially told me that I was her 9th lover. However, after an unfortunate encounter with her diary, I was told that I was actually her 15th. Now would someone just let me know, is that really too much for a 30 year old woman? I've read several posts on different sites saying that if you can't get over it, then you should just walk away. Fair enough as it sounds like a simple solution. The only problem is that she's currently pregnant so walking away isn't so easy. She's a great girl but the images of "so many" guys inside her drives me crazy. So here's the question: is 15 partners for a 30 year old woman who started having sex at 15 too many? Although I appreciate a woman's opinion, I'm tired of hearing the constant rhetoric: if a man can do it, why cant a woman? For that very reason, I would like to hear what other men have to say about it. I'm 29 and have been with 70+ partners and at least 7 of them while I was in a relationship with her. So again: is 15 partners for a woman who is 30 years old too many if she started having sex at 15??????

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010):

The true number that is too many, is whatever you've had + 1.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010):

i am 30 and a virgin. i believe my future wife is special and deserves all of Me, not "Me and..." i will not consider a woman who has had any partners, as i want someone who cares about me and loves me enough before meeting me that i am worth the wait as she is with me.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010):

First time i had sex was at 22, this was an ongoing fuckbuddy/psudo gf thing. The second was this October to a super beautiful woman. Unfortunately, she has had sex with hundreds, if not several thousand. The sweetest girl but she needed to make money... ;(. Did her with a condom of course... and you know what they say, it doesn't matter how many people you have personally slept with because the person you also slept with the all the people your partner also slept with.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010):

Oh dear I can understand your dilemma. I recently met a man whom I really clicked with, same sense of humour, same interests, quite attractive until.... yep you guessed it. He revealed the number of partners he'd been with. Well over 100 he told me. Whoa ok.... Try as I might not to be judgemental & I mentally figured this was not a lot when averaged over his life, I just couldn't get passed it. I just kept thinking of the comparisons he would be able to make etc etc. Plus the term 'sex addict' sprang to mind. Ok I haven't been an angel & my number is somewhere between 10 & 20 but 100+ was way too many for my tastes. I also thought at the time (which drew comparisons with your girl) about how extreme things would have to be for anything to be new or different for him. I gathered he'd been through the Kama Sutra volumes 1 - 50. How could I compare but I guess that's just insecurity on my part. But really his fidelity would have to be drawn into question wouldn't it?? Sorry I'm not much help but can definitely understand your thoughts.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010):

This issue has tortured me for days. Im 34 and I believe my number to be at 19 sex partners with a couple group events. I was in a relationships for 14years, married my High School sweetheart, had two kids and tried to do the impossible, unfortunately we eventually divorced.... I met a wonderful girl and we recently celebrated our 1 year dating anniversary.

I knew she had a past with drugs. She told me she was an all nude stripper, and at the time I almost could not handle that. I got over it and we moved on, all her stories seem to end bad and demeaning. So we celebrate one year and then the flood gates open, she begins opening up more and I start asking questions (Never ask questions you don't wanna know the answer too). Some of the highlights of her past. Abortion at 14 and 15, was with two 17yr old guys simultaneously when she was only 14 yrs old. Has 3 other kids from separate men and at one point was girlfriend to two men for a few weeks, sex daily from both men was the norm. Who does that ?! We had sex on our first date (Red light number one), the day after our second date she sent me a spread eagle picture of her vagina (Red light number two), Her Vagina and both breasts are pierced (Red light number three), and she has a mans named tattoed on her wrist (Red light Number 4). Now I learn she has been with a couple guys at her work, our jobs work sites simultaneously so I get to see this one guy I know she has been with regularly. Well, turns out she had been with him repeatedly for at least 6 months and she has sent him pictures as well.

I estimate her count to be at about 45 or 50 sex partners, I also estimate that over 15 years of averaging sex once a day she has had sex approximately 5,475 times prior to me (but who's counting).

How many is too Many ? I wish I knew, I'm in love with someone who's past torments me and over time if I just cannot let this go then I guess we will lose each other. I feel if I let her past ruin us than I'm the one with the problem. How do I let go of my pride, how do I deal with having to share my women. We have already had two incidents with ex's and I don't know how much more I can take. This one man in particular is still working with her, may have picture of her and had sex with her regularly for over 6 months. How do I sit at home and deal with that, or worse, sometimes I have to work with him and her on the same event. The jokes and rumors flying around her coworkers must be great.

She is a sex addict and after a year we still average sex once a day, two or three times in one day inst uncommon. I love her and we get along great. Her kids are wonderful and they fall right in line with my kids. I truely trust her and believe she loves me. NOTHING in her present or since meeting her has given me any reason to worry..... Yet, we may not make it because I cant stop thinking about all the people before me. All the experiences without me and all the things me and her will never have because she has already had it. Her past hurts my feelings and in the end I just hope and pray I can forgive and forget.

Don not ask questions you don't want the answers to ! ! !

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010):

To the man that is married and bold enough to admit everything your wife has done in her past, i commend you because I know that I myself would not be able to do that and it's pretty safe to say that most men wouldn't either obviously because of our pride. I am only going to give you my opinion and obviously you don't have to follow it and you are going to do whatever it is that you want. However, not matter how much I would try to say that I could live with it, the truth is that I would have left her as soon as I found out everything she had done. It also seems like its affecting your marriage on a sexual level which is very crucial. I mean think about it, you sleep together in the same bed, and your married. If sex isn't already understood, then there is a problem. Honestly, I would not be able to stop thinking about all the partners that my wife had before me, which is why it would not be able to work. IF you don't do something, you will never be happy, and your life may be ruined. I hope I was able to help.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010):

I am a 24 year old male and I have had 24 sexual partners...but I have also done sexual acts with prolly another 15 girls on top of that without intercourse. I have never had a long term relationship which I believe heightens my number. I have had sex with alot of ppl because I tend to do it when I get hurt or get frustrated that I can need find a relationship and my sex drive is high.I hate it when girls judge me on my number because I do not cheat. They will say that I shouldnt be having sex outside of a relationship.Easy for them to say when they find a new one 2 months after a breakup lol.Lets see them go 7 years!Also, a real problem...girls who lie about their numbers...this is getting rediculous and is way too common. Also, guys do not have more sex partners then girls..use your common sense here ppl, its equal, it takes a guy and a girl to have heterosexual sex.Everytime a guy has a new partner so does a girl...its equal. Anyhow, the thing I hate most about having casual sex is fearing STDs...it really puts a damper on things. For this reason I just want to get a girlfriend and fall in love...I consider my number of partners to be out of consequence and bad luck. I do prefer girls that have had less then 10 partners or so...but to be fair I have had 24 so obviously I am not gonna rule anyone out for a number...I have a heart ya know...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010):

I have had 8 sexual encounters.

I wish with all my heart that I had only one in my life with my now wife.

It is not just sex, it is joining spirits,

the glue that keeps two people together.

I regret all the rest, not that they meant nothing, but on the contrary that they have robbed something from me that I did not even realise I was giving.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010):

It's a moving target! I'm 60, my wife is 55. We've been together for eight years. I was never particularly proud of my past, I've been with seventeen women through the years, most when I was younger. Her past was never revealed to me all at once but gradually over a period of time as we from time to time talked about it and got to know each other. It started out as her having had one abortion due to a rape, and all told she revealed she had had sixteen men sexually. Then over the next couple of years she revealed to me that she had actually had three abortions, was gang raped (or pulled a train, I'll never know), had been with a black man (probably more than one, I'll never know, had prostituted herself (I don't know how many times (she said just one time), was a turnout bitch for a motorcycle gang, was involved with a guy who went to prison for murdering another guy that she had slept with, had experience with anal sex (but now has no interest), had had various STD's, crabs, and who knows what else I don't know about her past. Having said that, I divide her past in to two sections......before her marriage, and after her marriage. I believe most of her sexual exploits took place before and I think that post marriage, before me, she probably had somewhere around ten partners. Finally, one night, while drinking (!), and, after we had been married a couple of years she revealed to me that she was a tramp in her younger days and that she had been with thirty five men in her life. In that parade of men she has been with thugs, creeps, criminals, motorcycle gang men, men of other races, professional atheletes, millionaires, and I'm sure men of all builds, sizes, and statures. Since I now know this much about her, and believe me it's a LOT to know, I am confident that there is much more I do not know. She says I can't get past her past and gets upset with me anytime I bring anything about it up, which is seldom because I try not to think about it. Now, if you read this far you probably have formed somewhat of a negative opinion of what my ex-tramp, bitch, slut, wife might be like. The hard part for me is that she is drop dead beautiful gorgious and I absolutely adore her. For the most part we have a fairly great relationship in our marriage and people always comment as to what a great looking couple we make. What they don't know is that our sex life generally sucks, she has little or no interest but does engage in obligatory sex when she feels I am reaching my tolerance threshold for abstinance and feels I need to be accomodated. Our sex, when it happens, is always predictable and for her I think she just wants it to be over with. If sex is going to happen (once or twice a month is the norm) I will have to initiate it because she NEVER comes on to me. She enjoys me performing oral sex on her because it's about the only way I can get her motivated toward an orgasim. She performs oral sex on me just to get me ready for intercourse and has made it clear that she never wants to get me off that way because she doesn't like the taste. I would be fine with that but I know that in her younger days she probably swallowed a tanker load. What makes it hard for me is that because of her sexual past I feel she is basically sexually worn out and or just tired of it. In other words, she's got very little left for me. Now it begs the question, what do I do about it. Had I known everything I know now up front I ask myself if I would have hung in with her. No, I would not. I always tell myself that I can handle it but the truth is that her past (and as I said, I'm sure that there is more I don't know) is a heavy load and it is a constant battle to keep it out of my mind. I don't judge people for what they have chosen to do in their past lives, and I do believe that it should be about our time together and what we have now......but........one's past certainly does impact their present and future and one can only try to teach our children that choices they make now can have long lasting and never ending effects on their furture relationships. How many is too many? Any amount that you can't get past. For me..........thirty-five (and probably counting!)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010):

I am 27, and have had 6 partners, 7 if you count a forceful assault but I don't so I say 6. I already feel that this is a lot but with any relationship or marriage, there is no guarantee no matter how long you have been this person. I read from a article that says the average woman say they have had 5 in a lifetime and 3 for men. I started to wonder how many people took that survey and what age bracket because many of them survey like 1000 people with a +/- scale. With the people on here and other forum, this is clearly not the case. I believe on opinion forum, people are telling their numbers here because there is no face and people are always more comfortable talking to strangers then people we know because they are judgemental. What I don't like is men who have all these partners and then expect women to not have more then 5, 10 or 15 but can double each one these number. Men should be practical and realistic. They should not expect anything that they didn't expect themselves. If you had 30 partners then expect your partner to have 1 or 2 doesn't make sense, why should women wait til men have all the fun they want and then ask for someone with little or no experience after they are experienced everything under the sun. It is easier for women to have sex true, but just as long as everyone is safe people should do what they want but just think about what you doing so you won't regret anything and wonder if you are "slut", both gender included in that one. Good Luck and hopefully people find love that they can keep and grow.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010):

I like the question posed how many partners is too many for a man to have? (Thats how I found this website).

Im 30, I remember being able to say names and hair colors of my first 40 or so partners when finishing college. I honestly lost track, but guessing between 70 and 80 now. 3 of these were loving relationships over a year. Ive NEVER cheated, never forced myself, and never lied or "guilt-tripped" women to have sex. I just have fun and as cheesy as it sounds when I see a woman I want I am agrresive, but not forceful. Anyways, when I meet a woman and she asks the ? about how many, I tell her I dont want to lie but I dont want to answer the ?....right now. It seems to scare them and intrigue them at same time.

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A female reader, Gabrielle Stoker United States +, writes (4 October 2010):

Gabrielle Stoker agony auntAre we bringing a lot of these questions out of cold storage?

This is auch a subjective question you know. Depends on the individual, his/her upbringing, social background and religious convinctions.

For some people, anything more than 1 (which is the person him/herself) is too much and they simply refuse to be with anyone who's not a virgin.

And then there are the seven men who've proposed marraige to me - I mean, ME, for crying out loud! - for whom there doesn't seem to be any such thing as 'too many'.

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A female reader, Princess D. Bahamas +, writes (4 October 2010):

Princess D. agony auntOk, I am 20 and I have only had one sexual partner in my life,we were engaged and recently broke up because of indifferences. Since the break up I have met a guy that I really like. He is 30 and told me that he have had between 150 to 250 sex partners. Man, this took me by storm and I am still shock and I really dont know what to do,I really dont!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010):

I am a 19 year old female, and have had 5 sexual partners.

1 was my on/off boyfriend of four years now.

2 was a one night stand

3 was a fuck buddy

4 was nonconsentual, I was blacked out from two much alcohol, he knew it and took advantage of me

5 was a pity fuck

I would prefer if my partner did not have over 15, but I understand that that is not realistic.

An explanation for a man's point of view:

“If a key can open many locks, it’s a Master Key…

but if a lock is opened by many keys, it’s a shitty lock”

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2010):

To answer your question, I think that anything more than maybe 2 partners/year since losing your virginity is too much. However, I am 22 years old, I lost my virginity at 16, and at current I have had 23 sexual partners (all male) to date. My first, my second, my fifth and my ninth were all boyfriends. Numbers three, four, eleven and twenty-two were out of pity, number 12 was by force, number 13 was a one night stand. I actively pursued numbers 8, 10, 16 and 23, and am currently pursuing number 24.

The fact is, I love sex and amazingly I know the full names, addresses and birthdates of all the men I've had sex with. I do however feel sometimes that my number is a bit high, and would NEVER EVER EVER share my number with a man. I want to enjoy my 20's, but I don't plan on going over 30 for my entire lifetime.

That won't be too hard, considering that numbers 8, 9, 16 and 23 are gentlemen with whom I still have relations with. Number 24 (if he occurs) would also end up becoming a permanent fixture in my sexual life.

But just my two-cents.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010):

Ok so basically after reading some of these i feel like a slut haha most of my life actually (all through high school) i have been called a slut and have never been able to get a boyfriend but it's never stopped me from having casual sex. I am very attractive (not to be cocky) and almost every guy says that if i wasnt such a slut then they would date me but i just can't stop! i have never had the emotional attatchment or morals to sex and have never cared honestly even though i grew up in a Christian home. I lost my virginity at 14 to a guy that wasnt my boyfriend. Now i am 17 almost 18 and have had (24) partners all of which have not been relationships (all guys though). I do not have any stds or regret but i just hate being judged for this. I would NEVER tell a guy how many partners i've had though. I usually just say 6 or 7 and usually they even act like thats bad.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010):

I just turned 18 and I have had three sex partners. Two of three were I was in a realationship with but the other one did mean a lot to me. Unfortunately I don't talk to any of these guys now and before january of this year I was a virgin.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010):

I am shocked at the double standard I have read here with men's comments. You know, the ones who have had numerous partners but can't handle a woman who has.. or the man who hasn't had as many as a woman has so he feels lesser and hugely insecure. Get a grip people!!!!! You can't judge by numbers like this. You don't know the circumstances. For me, I am 38 and I have had 23. I lost my virginity when I was 17. I have gone for as many as 4 years without sex. Yes, I am highly sexual but my body is a sacred temple despite the number. No one here has any right to judge anyone else. It is no one else's business. Just be safe, use protection, don't impulsively get into a habit, have confidence, feel strong and secure and develop who you are as a person. Keep high standards. Be responsible and mature. I do feel 14 is a bit young for multiple partners and yet it is so common now. There is no need to rush into feeling adult or being sexually active.. childhood and youth is such a precious short time in our lives. Embrace your age and life and enjoy. Have no regrets.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010):

I am a 22 year old girl and I have never had sex. I don't have anything against sex and I am not super-religious; I've had relationships and opportunities to have sex but I have declined. For me, I can't give myself to someone that I'm not sure I'll end up with. It's really hard and I don't want to start having sex now because I've already made it this far and I'm afraid I'll become looser after doing it.

However, I don't look down on people that have had sex before. In fact, I think it's more of a turn on when guys have had a few partners. But I would definitely draw the line at 10. For me, personally, 10 is a LOT and more than that would probably be a deal breaker. More than 20 would be a definite deal breaker. I don't know... sex doesn't have to be a sacred act but it should be worth more than just a one time thing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010):

Yes you can say that there is a cut of number for the number of sexual partners that you have, but there is also the age range to consider in what your partner says there number is. As said people sometimes lie about the number of times they have had sex some try to build up am ego, others just to prove they can get who ever they want.

But if you think about it, yes you might have a high number but there is no saying that you are good, most people are just been used by the other person. Or put it down to having to much to drink and go on about how much they wish they had never done it.

Am 21 and if i was given the chance I would have changed alot of things about what ave done. Ave sleep with 50+ people in about 2 and a half years, many of them i do wake up and say i can't believe i have done that but others I don't seem to care about it. Am not the person to blame the drink i stand up and take whateva is been throw at me.

Each person to themselves everyone has a reason for doing what they done, and until we sort our own lives who are we to judge what others do to theirs

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010):

I am 18, going on 19. I have only been with 1 person, and that was my current long term boyfriend of 5+ years..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010):

Im 24/F had 30 sexual partners(men)

now in a committed relationship and he's been with over 150+ (women) it don't matter how many partners you've had.

people lie anyways all that matters is YOU NEED TO BE SAFE CAUSE U CAN GET ANYTHING JUST THE ONE TIME.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010):

I've been with 40+ maybe more. I'm a man whore and a cheater, but I like my girls to have less than 20, the less the better though, I'm 22

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010):

28 year old male with 15 partners to date. Which I do believe is average. I did not go to college so I didnt gain alot of numbers there like most people.

I am somewhat shocked by these numbers, especially the younger female generation. Many of these girls with higher numbers seem to have had abuse issues in the past and that is sad, but I dont think it nesessary justifies thier behavior.

Men usually have to try much harder than women to get laid, women have just have to spread thier legs. This is why there is a difference in perception between a women slut and a manwhore. A womens body is special and should not be given away to a bunch of vag craved guys so easily as in most cases you are just being used. It sucks but is just the way it is.

If me or most of the guys I know knew a girl has had over 20 partners we would probably not even want to have sex with them let alone, consider a relationship.

But to each thier own. If you can deal with someone you are with or want to be with having a number close to yours then fine. Just remember you will be considered a slut by 90% of the guys that know your number.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010):

I am 27 and I've slept with 16 guys.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010):

I don't even know where to start. Well, I am 18 (almost 19) and I have had 2 sexual partners. Growing up I was always told to wait to have sex until marriage and all that good stuff. I realize that I am getting older and am slowly but surely understanding the true meaning of sex and love. The two instances that I was involved in, I could easily regret, but I don't. I use them as learning experiences. I am now celibate until marriage, by choice. I always like to look at it this way, anyone can call you a slut or a shone, but will this matter in 5 years? 10 years? No. My point is do what you want, it is your business until YOU let it out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010):

This thought came up after a fight with my ex-boyfriend. I am 46 and have been single 17 years.

I have slept with 22 guys (23 if you count the one that molested me from 11-13).

When I wrote down the circumstance of what happened in the relationship, 90% of them either: lied, cheated, hit me or had addiction issues.

Why do guys always think girls are sluts.

Only a few were insignificant encounters, all of the rest I felt love...well, whatever that is suppose to be.

As it turns out, it's just bull-shit. Guys are liars and cheats...well most of em.

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A female reader, Gabrielle Stoker United States +, writes (13 August 2010):

Gabrielle Stoker agony aunt"Too many" is always going to be subjective. I'd been with two men by the time I was 18. One was a classmate I was crazy about and who used me, the other was the school gardener who must've been thrice my age. These are the only two sexual partners I regret having.

Since then I've had more than anyone else I know and it's always been on my terms and because I wanted to.

In short, it's all relative.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010):

i'm 17. i've been with 20 people. a mix of males/females. only 7 of them were relationships. the others were one night stands or fuck buddies. i always tell myself, no more til i'm married.. but it's so hard.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010):

I'm a 21 year old female. I have had 6 male partners. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18 and it was with my boyfriend at the time. 3 of these have been serious relationships. 1 was a work friend, and the other 2 I met whilst traveling and got swept up in the romance of it all.I don't feel ashamed about my number. My current boyfriend knows and is fine with it. He has only slept with me but doesn't mind that I have slept with more people. If you love each other, none of that matters.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010):

i am a 32 year old male, and have had four partners. i think that about one partner per year starting when you become sexually active, is acceptable. i am not proud of it, and i would never tell my girlfriend, but a large number of partners makes me uncomfortable.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010):

Hi. I'm 29 and have been seeing a 35 year old woman for a few months now, having not really discussing our sexual pasts too much she recently told me that her longest relationship with a guy was about 2 years. And she said that through her 20's she didn't go without sex.

I'm just concerned now with how many guys she has been with, I love her and am really happy with her but now when i kiss her or have sex i can't help thinking just how many people have been there before me.

I have tried to ask her but she just says she doesn't want to talk about it. I have slept with 9 women. one was a 5 year relationship and another a 2 year. the rest are one nighters/ short flings. i know i'm being a bit of a hypocrit

but its really eating me up. what should i do?

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A female reader, lee05 New Zealand +, writes (19 July 2010):

lee05 agony aunti am a 19 year old female, i have been with two guys so far. i lost my virginity to my current partner. I would have loved to have only been with the one guy but unfortunetly i was rapped. if i was interested in a guy my age and he told me he had been with more than 5 people i wouldnt bother trying to get to know them more, it may seem shallow but i instintly think they dont care about woman and just want to spread there sead

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010):

i am a 26 yo female. i've been with around 70 people (3 females). about 65 of those were before the age of 24. i had a revelation at the age of 24 that came in the form of HPV. this pretty much ruined me. the guy i was dating when i found out was sort of supportive, in a passive way. we lasted maybe 2 more mths.

at this point, i knew how much more responsible i had to be and changed my sexual behavior drastically. no one nite stands, no flings, and no sex unless i was serious about the guy and only after i told him about my situation.

i was single, and abstinent for about 6 months. the next guy i liked enough to open to (about my std) after 2 mths of dating flipped out and threw me out of his house. when we later spoke again in person he demanded to kno how many people i had been with. i refused. i didn't see the point if he was that upset already. i argued that u can get an std with the FIRST person you sleep with, even WITH a condom. he just called me a slut and a whore and told all of his friends.

over the next year and a half i dated maybe 4 guys, only for a few weeks, and it never got sexual. during that time, i also made a ----buddy (who knew of my std) who i slept with maybe 10 times.

it's now been 8 mths since i've slept with anyone, and my bf is aware of my std, my number of partners, and loves me anyway. he has been with 100+ people, and i accept him and love him anyway. we realize we were both young, and careless, and immature. neither of us are the same person we were when we were younger. we are waiting to have sex b/c it's not what we want to focus on. we are both sexual people, and kno what happens when u put too much emphasis on the act itself.

neither of us are proud of what we've done, but we've decided to learn from it, rather than harp on it. whether your # is 1 or 100, it's YOUR #. And when judging other people...just don't. Don't look at the number of people a person has been with - look at the PERSON.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010):

I am a 18 year old girl. When I first got in high school i was talking to this boy I was crazy over, he was a senior and I was a freshman. He was my first kiss. He thought he was to old for me, we broke up. I was hearbroken, but later moved on.. to my new bf who i was with for 2 years, we messed around but NEVER even came close to having sex. We later broke up and i got back with my first kiss.... I was completely in love with him, we had sex after about months. Was with him for 2 years. Recently broke up over him being controling, i was talking to this boy 16 yr old. We ending up having sex. I am still very much in love with my first kiss boyfriend, dont think i can ever get over him. Point is... you shouldnt have sex unless you can see youself with that person... cos if something were to happen.. like getting pregnant.. you want to be with someone you love.

To Answer your question... i am 18 years old and been with 3 guys. 2 in which i was in long term relationship. 1 i really liked... but wasnt sure about.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010):

23 yr old female, 14 male partners-of which 2 were ONS, 4 more serious relationships (more than one year), rest-bad choice relationships..

i started to wander if im doing it bad.. what my conclusion is that i dont care.

im not gonna explain nobody nth abt my life..and i should spent it as i want..

Cheer up!! life is beautiful! we need to find only what the beauty means for us..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010):

So, some of these #s are difficult to believe? So I'm not even sure if its logical that I feel better about myself.

Anyways, I'm 19 years old. I lost my virginity when I was 14 years old. Since then, I've had sex with 14 males, 0 females. 11 of which I only had sex with once, 2 of which I was in a realtionship with. And 1 I did it with twice. I guess the number isn't so bad. What makes me feel like a fool is that since September 09 to the present, I've had sex with 7 different people. So half of my total are all in the past 10 months. Yikes. Some of these guys I actually really liked, (but apparently I got led on and used each time. Which makes me feel even more of a fool.) And the others were just one night stands. To be honest, I don't feel like a whore or a slut. Sure, I made poor judgement calls and bad choices, but I didn't have sex with these people simply because "I am a horn dog". I really was attracted to these guys that I liked, and I was fooled into thinking it would go past a night of sex, so I went with it. Of course I was wrong about that. I had sex because I was attracted to them, and it was inthe heat of the moment. I am disappointed in myself for that. I should have waited, played hard to get and fight the temptation. But its difficult for me because well, I'm not gonna lie, I enjoy sex.

I've never really given much thought to my sex life. I kept repressing the "mistakes" and moved on with my life. But now that I've actually taken the time to count the #, I'm not too proud. Its made me realize a lot. I felt disgusted at first, but there's nothing I can do about my past. All that matters now is that I can see what I've been doing wrong and that hopefully ill make better choices regarding my sex life in the future.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010):

I'm a 19-year-old male and I've only been with two women. Although the numbers mentioned by majority of the people here would bother me, I don't think there can be too many partners. "Too many" depends on an individual's circumstances and experiences. Such a number is specific to a person's comfort level. In high school, I thought 10 was too many. As a college student, far greater numbers surround me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010):

4

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010):

I'm 25 and I had 14, I am sexually active since age 17. 3 were long therm relationships one of which was actually a marriage, 3 were one night stands, and the rest were just relationships that failed from the beggining, people I dated for like 2 months and then broke up with.

I come from a separated family, grew up without a father and in emotional abuse from my mother. I can't overcome the mental need of a partner in my life. Many times I accepted a bad relation rather than being alone.

That number will probably go up, since I wont get married again anytime soon, and I wont stay in a bad relationship just to keep the number from increasing. And in any case, 2 partners a year doesnt seem like a lot to me.

Martha

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A male reader, olderthandirt United States +, writes (5 July 2010):

olderthandirt agony auntfrom a man's point of view , i'd say more than ten would be an overload to me. Too much copetition to overcome.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2010):

I am 19 years old, i lost my vaginal virginity when i was 13 years old. I had performed oral sex only 2 or 3 times on one guy prior to losing my virginity, not on the guy i lost my V to though. Since then i have been with close to 30 men, vaginally, most of which I also performed oral sex on. I have not however given oral sex to anyone i did not later have vaginal sex with. Only 3 or 4 partners have been within 2 years of my age range. Most have ranged from ages 23-30, one 35 and one 40 yr old man. For the last two and a half years I have been in a relationship with the most wonderful man, we are living together at this point in time. I have been with 4 other men since we started dating, he knows of two of them. This many sexual partners at this age is not a good sign. I have been safe and lucky, I have not contracted any STI's. But i have been pregnant twice, both before my 18th birthday. the first pregnancy I had an abortion, which i will regret for the rest of my life. The second time I was pregnant it was with my current boyfriend, we were very happy and were picking names and starting to get ready for the baby. I found out at 16 weeks that my baby had stopped growing at 11 weeks. I was sent for an emergency D&C the next day.

Ladies, limit your partners. Date before you have sex with them. Don't feel that you have to "put out" to be loved or cared about or held. Finding friends will be much more rewarding than finding hook-ups, i promise you that.

Gentlemen, use protection. It's easier for you to put on a condom that for us to say no to our crazy libido. Women have libido's just as high if not higher than men. See when a girl just needs a little attention, don't think the only way to give it to her is in bed.

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A male reader, catfish777 United States +, writes (27 June 2010):

Ladies - why can't you simply understand what some of us guys are saying? It doesn't matter whether it is "fair" or not; most guys think you are a slut if you've had a more than a few sex partners. The kind of numbers that most guys would find "ok" would be none or 1 in High School, 1 or 2 more in College and long-term serious relationships after that. So if a chick at 25 has more than 4 or 5... LIE! That's all there is to it. There is no reason to tell the truth as telling your man your true number will ALWAYS be too many and he'll hate you for it.

I'm 49, male, married 30 years and had 3 girls before I met my wife at age 19.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010):

i have 4 and I'm 21. 2 were in a relationship and the other two were from parties.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010):

I'm a 20 year old, and my first sexual partner was the day after I turned 18 years old.

Since then I've had 37 sexual partners, 7 of which were from intercourse, and 30 which were from oral sex; with both men and women (mostly men). Today I'd say I took it to far, but for me personally, not what others would think.

By looking at me everyone would think I'm straight and have little to no sexual partners. I think this is because I'm masculine, polite, friendly and sexually private. A lot of people presume your sexuality and sexual history from stuff like that and from other sometimes misleading signals. Be careful assuming a number with a girl or guy because of personality. I already got my "hook up" phase out of my system. I don't think my numbers will ever surpass 50 from now on. I guess I took advantage of what others say are my 'good looks' and 'well endowed unit,' and I went through a phase of experimentation.

I would advice you though that a girl/guy's number doesn't predict fidelity and honesty, and I say that because I think that's the number one fear of most people who care about sexual numbers. STI's and HIV can be tested time and time again, so if all this is rested on fears of honesty, then you have to take into account that they can and could cheat on you regardless of their past. You should usually judge them individually on how you percieve their trustworthyness from the moment you've met, how serious they took close relationships in their past and how much they care about you, not soley past numbers.

My advice to the person asking "How many sexual partners is too many sexual partners?" is that it should differ from person to person. But what 'American society' thinks usually that double digits for gay men and women is a negative, and triple digits for staight men is a negative.

Worst case scenerio for you, if you have a lot of sexual partners. Move to Manhattan, LA or Amsterdam and almost all of your potential boyfriends/girlfriends won't care. I'd say to your second part of your question, that most people previously studied in populations get most of their sexual partners out in their 'prime' years of 16-26. And most men have more then most women and most gay men have more then most anyone lol.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010):

I'm 28. Lost my virginity at the age of 20. Over the course of 8 years I've had 7 sexual partners out of which only one was one night stand. Now I'm married to my beautiful husband and 100% satisfied with my sexual and emotional needs.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010):

I am 22 years old and i didnt start having sex until i was 17 then for a year or so only had a few sexual partners... when i turned 19 and found out my dick was bigger then most guys and i drove women crazy in bed all i wanna do is go out and bang a new girl every night having said that...i have had sex with just about 100 girls and loved every time with all different type of girls from 16 to 48 and everywhere in between... and with all those girls ive probably used a condom about 10 times and have been tested for every std multiple times and have never gotten a single thing not even a sign of any.... soo until i find a girl i actually love im gonna keep banging

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010):

I'm 19 about to be 20, I've only been with two people which in my mind don't really count. I'm talking to someone who I had just asked how many people they've been with because i need to know certain things before i sleep with someone, and they said more than 30. I think its a lot but I don't think its way out there, But for me its more so the fact that it makes me nervous.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010):

I'm 20 started doing oral when I was about 14 since then I've had over 50 sexual partners. Im currently seeing a guy he knows I have a high sex drive but doesnt really know how many people I've been with. When I was young I thought things like threesomes and orgies were fun. Since then I've calmed down and if me and the guy start dating he will be my only partner.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010):

I'm a 46 year old male. I was in the Swinging lifestyle for 8 years. During that time my numbers skyrocketed. I've finally settled down with my soul mate. I've never told her the number, I've just said "a lot". She's ok with that. I've slept with 108 Women. Would I want to settle down with a Woman that has slept with 108 Men? .. Probably not; so the answer would be: that's to many, but it was fun! :-D

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A female reader, honest E United States +, writes (30 May 2010):

I'm 18 and lost my... vaginal virginity at the age of 16. The first time i performed oral sex i was 13. By the time I actually had sex I'd been with 22 partners orally.

Once I had sex, it was like the flood gates were open. Currently my count is 29 (different) men, 6 in relationships, the rest casual partners. but everyday i live with the shame, and have to cope with it by trying not to think about it, but ultimately it fails. I wont say im an addict because i CAN do without sex, but i feel like i have to please others and keep up with others.

Id never gone longer than a week without intercourse, but im trying to reform now, because i dont want to be stigmatized even further as a slut. Its been something like 5 months without sex and its been hard, but in other ways its been a little gratifying.

the only thing that lets me keep my sanity is the fact that i am overly discreet about that aspect of my life. If youre gonna whore around, do so privately and be able to live with yourself about it. the whole world doesnt have to kno your count, and 9 times outta 10, your man doesnt really wanna know either.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010):

I am currently with a woman who I love completely...she is great in every way and we have a tremendous sex life. She has had a limited number of partners (7) and only one casually, just before we met. It absolutely made sense and I don't have any issue with it at all but I did let her know that it bothered me that they were still regularly in touch, although just as friends according to both.

I had been fairly promiscuous right up until meeting her and it doesn't bother her a bit as I've been faithful since...but all of those girls are out of my life now.

I know and like how she values sharing herself sexually so I take her at word that it is not a casual act.

With that in mind, should it bother me that they are still in touch, well after they dated, and well into our relationship?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2010):

Im 19 and have had sex with 10 people most were fuck buddys but some were relationships... Ive always told myself I would never leave one hand 5 just seemed like a lot then once I was on my second hand I told myself I wouldnt leave it... when I think of my number I get sick to my stomach I feel like a complete whore. Sex is great sometimes I wish I would have waited till I got married it would make the night a lot more special.. well whats done is done I cant change the past.. I cant say I regret them all. Most of my friends have around the same number some have way more than me it really didnt sink in untill recently when my friend had asked me and I forgot a name. If its to thee point where Im forgetting names... its time for me to slow down and the next time I want to have sex with someone Im going to think about it more first, I dont want to be that party girl just lookin to have a good time that night..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010):

i have just turned 19. i lost my virginity at 17 to one of my male friends. i didnt have sex again until a few months later and now im on 17 people.

i personally think this is quite bad and alot of the people i know call me a slag all the time for it. the worst thing about it really though, is the fact that 10 of them are all best friends with each other, and have been friends of mine for years. so ive managed to ruin alot of friendships by doing this. the other 7 have been really wild one night stands that nearly everyone i regret.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010):

i deal with 17.

if she have had more thin that.NO!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010):

I am a 20 year old female. how many is too many? Only you can judge that. Lets face it. Men do not get judged as women get judged on this score. It maybe unfair, but that's life. Ladies, It frankly doesn't matter how many guys you have been with, as long as you do it for your own reasons, and don't sleep with men that all know each other and don't tell everyone your 'number,' then who's to know? Your past is exactly that, YOUR past and no one, not even your current,loving partner, has the right to demand answers from you that you are not willing to give. If you know that you are going to go all guilt-trippy and hate yourself and curse yourself for being a slut afterwards DONT DO IT. The only person who has to live with your actions- is you. Unwillingness to reveal private details of your past does not make you a liar, or dishonest, it makes you a private person. Everyone has secrets and everyone has a past. Things they regret, things they don't regret but they'd rather keep to themselves. Screwing 50+ men probably isn't the best idea idea in my book, but if your going to be a crazy, sexual slut, be descreet. No reason to work your way through all the boys at school who are best buddies or everyone in the office. xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010):

Male 32yrs 3 long term relationships of 2+yrs been with 30 women, most before i turned 25, then realized that random sex wasn't what i was after, shouldn't judge but i do, more partners seems to equate with various issues but not always the case,less partners = more stable but again not always the case, Truth being only the individual can decide how many is to many, as you are the one who is dealing with it!!!!. One girlfriend 30 yrs and only 4 partners another 24yrs and 35 partners, just be happy that your getting some love!! if it's to many in your mind then it is!!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010):

Male 32yrs 3 long term relationships of 2+yrs been with 30 women, most before i turned 25, then realized that random sex wasn't what i was after, shouldn't judge but i do, more partners seems to equate with various issues but not always the case,less partners = more stable but again not always the case, Truth being only the individual can decide how many is to many, as you are the one who is dealing with it!!!!. One girlfriend 30 yrs and only 4 partners another 24yrs and 35 partners, just be happy that your getting some love!! if it's to many in your mind then it is!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010):

I'm 19 (20 next month). Lost my virginity when I was 12, it was not consensual on my behalf. I've lost count of how many partners around the age of 14. At that time is was about 60. I've had a lot of partners since then. I'm guessing I'm somewhere in the 100's maybe more, not sure. Many, many, many one night stands, a few of my partners I met with on a couple occasions. I've only been faithful in 1 relationship, out of 7, or something like that. My current boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 months, and I've had sex with 3 other people (and had oral sex with 4). I feel that I'm well beyond that limit of what is "okay". I disconnect myself from any emotions I have during sex; guilt, shame, embarrasment, fear, etc. I easily find ways to justify my actions. Subconsiously, I go on a hunt for sex, I get myself into a situation where sex is the subject and I start an internal battle with myself (I want to, no I can't its not right, I wonder what his sex is like, its probably not good anyways, but maybe it is, I can get something out of this, I wanna make him come....and so on). Somewhere in that battle I lose. If a guy presures me, I say no but then do it anyways. If he doesn't pressure me, I want it even more. Most times though, I never get off which leaves me frustrated and leads me on a hunt for better sex. When I do get off and it's good, I want even more, if that partner can't continue, or I dont get off again, I'm on the prowel yet again. Sometimes I justify sex (and oral) as a challenge ("I'm gonna leave him in extacy"), if that challenge isn't met, I'm disappointed in myself and try to please someone else. During the sex, I'm not thinking about anything but sex. Imediately afterwards, I feel no shame, sometimes I feel accomplished and on top of the world. Later is when the guilt and shame comes, when it's too late and I have to live with my actions. It's a ghost that follows everywhere. I get very depressed thinking about it. I want this to stop. My number increases very rapidly. Those with 10 or less, hell even 20 or less, KUDOS!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010):

I lost my virginity when I was 13 to a boy I had been seeing for a year. I'm now 20 and have had 6 partners most were relationships, a few were male friends that I ended up sleeping with to spite my ex for breaking up with me. It wasn't one of my best decisions, inside I was torn apart and thought maybe if I seeked attention from other men it would make me feel better but in reality it made me feel worse because I realized how my actions were disrespectful to myself. I feel that having sex with someone is personal and prefer to share that act with guys I truly care for from now on. You make mistakes in life and the best thing to do is learn from them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010):

I am 19 years old. I start having sex when I was 17 at the end of my junior year in high school.Recently I wrote down every single dude that I been with and it came out to be 54.I know it is way to much but my problem is that I am a sex addict and even before I start having sex I would think about it 24/7.Im trying my best to stop now but its hard because sometimes I really get "physically" sick form not having it.I would say about 27 partners were one nighters and 10 I had casual sex with.My thing is you will never know this because in the public I carry myself like a lady and now I have a fiance and im 3 months without any and he knows my past but we love each other and we are working out all flaws.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010):

Well I am 20 years old, soon to be 21. There are moments in my life that I'm not proud of but I am not one to pretend! I own all that I do and if I did well that means I wanted to do it so no point on regreting because as I always say "I wanted it bad enough to do it, so own up" I have had 3 long term relation ships, the first was 3years the second and third were 1year. I have had 12 sexual partners a few of which were one night stands and some I repeatedly had sex with! I am currently single but to be honost I got over worrying about the number, as long as I am comfortable in my sexuality and take care of myself than why worry, I know ill have more sexual partners because I got a long life ahead of me... So I enjoy it, why, because life is too short to waist time worrying about insignificant things like a number.I like sex and don't think I could ever stop doing it, and whom ever decides to marry me will know me! Fully, and that doesn't scare me!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010):

I'm 25yrs old and have had many sexual partners...I didn't really think anything of it..someone here someone there, until friends and family started asking questions and telling me to slow down, asking me how many partners I've had..this is when I realized wow I have no clue I thought about just this pass year alone I came up with 32 people that I could remember...but than again I've been sexually active for more than ten years sooo have I really been with 300ppl? 200ppl? is this too many? Is there a right and wrong number...Well I can't undo the pass only learn from my mistakes, many people probably think well thats disgusting.... I do agree!!! oh well.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010):

i'm 14 and i've had sex with 7 guys. i lost my v-card late summer of 08, a few months after turning 13. i honestly regret having sex with the majority of them. only two were boyfriends (one being my boyfriend at the moment), and the rest were just casual. i've had a chaotic past, and i'm an addict, but i don't dare touch shit anymore. so with always bein messed up beyond belief back in the day, it's like my "stopper" was crushed and i'd just engage in meaningless sex. i started young as hell but i'm definitely not planning on expanding that number anymore. is 7 a lot at 14? haha, just curious.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010):

I am grateful for everyone's answers... especially those who were open minded about it all... like I believe as long as your treating your current partner whom you want to be with forever with love...respect...trust...honesty then all should be well... no matter how many partners she's had... like I believe it also has to do with the person and where their coming from... they may have have sexual relationships with 20+ people due to childhood issues... maybe for a women her father wasn't there and she was looking for that male who could help her with her empty feelings... or maybe she felt like she didn't find the right guy yet with her first... is continuing to look for Mr. right in a sexual form... Whatever the case may be I don't believe anyone has the right to judge anyone... ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE US... one must know that and honor that... If your partner whom you plan on spending forever with can't respect that then hey it wasn't meant to be... I guess better luck next time...

Thank you and I will probably write more in a few...

This is a very strong topic and issue within our Country USA...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010):

I am a 21 year old female. I have had 40+ partners, and i am learning to forgive myself for allowing myself so much disrespect. I have been with the same man for 2 years, and he knows about my past, also that i have a low-risk type of HPV. At first i questioned his intentions in accepting me, and then i learned that was an issue in forgiving yourself. I know i'm not an evil person, i know that people make mistakes, evryone does. As i child i dealt with sexual abuse, and in my teen years was diagnosed with chronic depression, OCD, and Bi-polar disorder. At my lowest times, i would find myself seeking male attention to validate myself, not realizing, until after the fact, it made me feel even more worthless. You truly live and you learn. People will judge you, souly based on your sex life. I am not condoning promiscuity, and most definately not unsafe sex, but if you must learn for yourself, be smart. I was lucky to end up with a man who not only accepts me and loves me unconditinally, he wants to help me heal and is great support.

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A male reader, darthshaffer United States +, writes (7 March 2010):

The world is just getting sick. I am a 38 yr old male my wife is also 38. We have been married for 18 years.

I have had sex with 3 people including my wife. I oul hav had seex with loads of women and girls growing up but I never wanted to hurt anybody.

My wife f***** 13 guys including me that she remembers. That makes me lucky number 13. I found out after we were maried. Bye reading her journal. It almost ended us, I struggled with massive ammounts of anger and hate for about three years.

I got over it, let it go for myself not for anyone else. The thing is people don't understand that there is a cost for everything. My wife has decided she wants a relationship not based on sex. We have had intercourse maybe six times in the last 4 years. We are both miserable.

What you buy is what you owe and what you owe always comes back to you. "Stephen king"

You will pay for it some day.

Darths

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A female reader, beanybop13 United States +, writes (18 February 2010):

I had sex for my first time when i was seventeen my senior year of high school. Now I'm an 18 year old freshman in college and i have had sex with 22 more people since (and i never dated a single one of them). I personally think this is too many. People call me a slut because of it all the time and now I have a reputation. So not only be careful with how many people you sleep with, but make sure people don't start finding out (especially if you have sex with someone of the same sex).

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010):

I really like having " new " guys do me , people would be really shocked if they knew how many partners Ive had , my first sexual experience was when I was 15 years old , Im now 24 and I have had sex with 71 guys .

The oldest guy was one of my dads mates , and the youngest was when I started ... I love guys trying to pick me up , and I love to tease guys as well.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010):

well i am almost 18 and i have had a total of four sexual partners. in my opinion, i feel like four is a lot. three of the partners were with those who i thought i loved or it was out of rebellion.

i regret most of them, and wish that it was only two but theres nothing that i can really do about it but just be careful next time.

i hope my comment helped

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010):

I am 19 years old and have slept with 45 people. I am a female so this is hard for me to comprehend myself. i lost my virginity at age 11 and at least 30 of these people were before i was even 18. i was very confused about sex and love ive been takin advantage of and have blindly used sex as a tool. when comming from a backround of sexual abuse it is very easy to do things you may not agree with as an adult during adolesence. I struggle with self worth issues every day for sharing myself with people who didnt deserve me or i did not love. I do not want to hate myself for the things i did when i was essentially a child. I am in my opinion very responsible now i am an a student i completley support myself and i am very aware of my health now. this is something we all have to set a standard for ourselves with. it is in no place for someone to judge and if i went on a date i would never bare my soul and share this information because it is nobody elses struggle but my own. i am self aware and because of my experiance i have a mucher clearer view of what i want than most woman my age. i am extermely comforable with my physical self and most thing dont shock me which makes me a better listener and less judgmental. Im not saying its all ok to behave in this way but it is a grey area. it can be a health risk and an obsticle in the journey of knowing your own worth and loving yourself but so can alot of things. essentially im saying only you can define what is too much. and in my opinion yeah i have had too much sex and ive eaten too much junk food there is no turning back now only learning and protecting myself in the future. I can still be a beautiful loving kind woman even if i have had some sex.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010):

My gf is 23 has slept with over 25+ guys at least. to be honest it makes me sick. you can say it doesnt matter as long as you love some one, but i loved her alot before she told me that, and now I really dont feel the same way at all.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010):

I am almost 15. I have slept with 4 guys with consent. I am not a slut. If u met me you would think I am still a virgin. Its the whole shy, quite girl thing. Judge me if you must. But keep in mind I don't care.

My first time I was 13 and pressured into it. I had liked him for a couple months. He broke my heart. My 2nd time was a couple months after I was raped. I was in a relationship with him. The 3rd time I was in the middle of an emotion break down and was 'out of it' from smoking, cutting, drugs and alcohol. My 4th time was with a guy I was dating. I learnt from everyone of them and would not take them back. The only thing I would change would be loving them.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010):

"I'm 30 years old and I have slept with 49 women. Now I'm looking for number 50 to be my wife. What will I tell her in regard to how many partners I've had?? 5 of course!"

Now here's a guy that a woman can trust to never cheat - NOT.

"I suggest you LIE like a dog or avoid the question altogether if a man asks you about your sexual past."

Just the type of woman for a lucky guy to have - cheap in the past and a liar in the present.

If you did it, own up to it and take the consequences. Nothing worse in my mind than a lying slut, male of female. You deserve what you get. Dishonesty to me is much worse than what you did in the past. Avoiding the discussion is fine if both people agree it is best not to talk about it, but a liar is a future cheater.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010):

whoa. The people commenting under this article seem to be more sexually active than most of the people that I meet in real life. Maybe that's because my friends tend to be shy like me.

But yeah, I thought I might have had more sexual partners than what was normal till I read this. Now I know that I am probably on the lower side.

I'm 18, and I have had sex with five guys. This was over quite a few years because I lost my v-card when I was 14. All five of the guys were relationships- no one-night stands. not that I think that there is anything wrong with one-night stands.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010):

I am 21, I have had 10-20 sexual partners. I just lost the love of my life over it...Some things happened to me when I was 13..not an excuse but it definately affected the way i viewed relationships with the opposite sex...so anyways most of my partners were between 13-16 and thenabout 5 after that..long story short i am ashamed and feel guilty and i lied to my b/f when we first got together and said 8 and then later said 14. and now he is just like done. I am not a dirty girl, i never had like 3somes or anything like that i wasnt that open...but i just fucked up i guess idk

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010):

my wife an i are in our late 20s.

she's my first and i'm her fifth. still, it bothers me. guess i'm a bit puritanical.

according to a famous sex study, females on average have two and men have six.

why does it matter if a girl has too many partners? because traditionally, she is the selector. if you 'selects' 50 guys, you might question her tastes, or has none whatsoever, which might mean that you're not special either.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010):

I'm 33 and my wife is 30. I have only been with her, she has been with 12 , I was her fourth, yep most of them have been since we were married. She has complete control of her sexuality, and I of mine. What number would be to much depends on your age. There can be to many, you can sleep around and still has a little dignity. My wife has about one lover a year. And I don't think that is excessive.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010):

I am 21 lost virginity at 19 and had only 4 partners. they were very spread apart and the sex was very rare. I believe sex outside of marriage is wrong.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010):

i've only had 4 partners...and im 21 and i lost virginity at 19. I feel bad about it tho..and trying my best to overcome it. I think sex outside of marriage is wrong.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010):

I feel better! I counted 25 (at 23 years old. I started at 16). Most were fuck buddies. I've only had 2 real serious long term monogomous relationships. I've had a few one night stands.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010):

im 18 n hav already had 8 sexual partners, 4 of those men hav only been a one time thing so far.. i kinda regret some of them but hey at the moment i wanted it so wat can i say?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009):

I have been with my girlfriend for over 8 months now. I'm 19 and shes 22. From the start I knew she had a partygirl past but was willing to look past it. We love eachother and thats the truth. The problem was that since i didnt know her exact number so i kept imagining that her number could possibly have been 40 or 50. Finally I couldnt take it anymore and I had to ask. This is a girl who would never lie to me so I wasn't worried about that. She told me that it must be somewhere between 25-30 partners. The exact number she isn't sure of. After hearing this I was unexpectedly relieved, having imagined far greater numbers. She was so paranoid after telling me and worried that I would look at her a different way. Ive assured her I didnt and have really thought long and hard about it since then. Here is what I came up with: She is a very desirable girl, one that I am very lucky to have and one that anyone would be lucky to have. She is gorgeous and is still regularly hit on by guys (unsuccessfully ofcourse). The thing that gives me reassurance is that of the guys that she's been with, I'm the one she loves the most and wants to spend the rest of her life with. She has me to compare against all those partners (only 1 of them really serious). Not only does she consider me the best sexually but im the person in this world that she cares about the most. So what im saying is its more special if your girl has a good number under her belt but only wants to be with YOU. That my friends, is Love.

P.S. Ive only been with 2 including her, sure i look around, but would never act on it. The truth is when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, everyone else becomes unimportant. So my number could be twice hers and I would still feel the same.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009):

Another point i noticed that older the people commended lesser the number is... this can also be noticed that especially people under 22 are tended to lie about their numbers and try to make their numbers higher... As i mentioned before, i am 31 had intercourse with 41 different women, and after my 30 th women i noticed that i mustn't tell my real score because this negatively effects the new girls i met...i started to say anyone i newly met that i had beeen only with 18 girls.. so what i can say from what i learned, too many is not good for new beginings. So does too little... especially the young people here; you might think that it is good to have 20 or more sexual partners, but in future this will not be a charismatic issue about you. In the opposite this will make things harder for you, both for serious relations and one night stands. So you will have to start lying...you will lie not like as you do now to make the score higher but to make it lesser...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009):

I can see a lot of exegration here... I am 31 years old straight male and had 41 partners ( intercourse).. according to this comments this number is lower than average.. but what i know from the peaople around me in my real life, the average sexual partner number should be between 10-20 at my age ... some of my friends find my number too many and too unneccesary.. if these are not exegrations, only people who had lots of partners have enough courage to write their own score here...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009):

I married this girl. The day after she turned 19 years old. I found out a few things, I am from a big family. Well ends up she had 80 different male sex partners from 16 to 19 years old. I asked her how many one night stands she told me only three or four, the rest were all repeat performers (more than once a week).

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009):

I'm a 22-year-old female and my number is 37 (32 men, 5 women). I lost my virginity at 15, so that was over a 7 year timeframe. I don't regret the number of people I have slept with. 3 of which were serious relationships, the rest were one-night stands and fuck buddies. All I have to say in regards to the numbers game is to each their own.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009):

I am a 29 year old man. I have only had TWO partners. My first in college to my first girlfriend which I thought I may marry. The second was my wife. She has had multiple partners and I feel I should have f@cked more than I did now. I am unsure but considering I waited for marriage thinking that was the right thing to do. I think I should have been a little hoe. Because I am in a marriage that is close to the definition of sexless. Aint that a b!cth by waiting!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

I am 21 and I have had 20 partners. About half were one-time-only, and the other half were either steady boyfriends or a few times here and there. I am currently in a relationship with a man who is 29 (yes, 8 years older) and he has had 14 partners. I can tell he feels a little weirded out since I am a lot younger than him yet have had more partners than him. But I still feel less experienced because his were (mostly - not all!) serious relationships, so it's really just your perspective. Some of these answers (especially the guy with 350!) are outrageous, I mean some people go through phases where they have casual sex (I did) but 350 is just gross. Anyway, if I have had about 30 partners by the time I'm married then I'll feel comfortable with that, but at the moment with my current boyfriend we both feel good about it because we talk openly with each other and that's really what matters.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009):

I'm 18 and a girl, and I've had 11 sexual partners in the past 6 months. Sex is great and as long as we're young and safe I really don't think it matters.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009):

I'm 20 and I've only had 2 partners- one was my first love, the other was just a drunken night with my best guy friend.

But I'm not really sure how I feel about this whole topic..

I want to know a guy's number because I feel like I need to know. I want to know if I'm one in a few or just another notch in his bedpost. But when I find out, I get upset.. which is RIDICULOUS because chances are he's lying anyways, so what's the point in asking?

Call me old fashioned, but anything over 5 for a guy just seems like way too much. But thinking about it mathematically, 5 is nothing. Say he's 20 and lost it when he was 16, that's like 1 a year, which is nothing. I guess it depends on a lot of factors. If he's 20 and was in a 3 year relationship and his number is in the double digits.. that worrys me. Being with a guy that has a high number makes me feel like I'm not special, just one more to add on.

But I guess a decent number isn't bad because at least he knows what he's doing.

And as much as I don't want to be with a guy that has a really high number, I don't think it's a dealbreaker. If I'm in a serious relationship for a while and I found out it's a high number, then it really shouldn't matter because it was before I came along. But if he lied to me about it, I wouldn't be so happy.

I'd like to say that I don't want to know and I'll never ask again, but curiosity kills me. And I especially can't imagine being married to someone for 50 years and not knowing their number.

But mystery can be good sometimes.

Idk, haha.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009):

I have had sex with 120 that i have counted was in a relationship with a girl for 3.5 years and i was her 4th....i couldn't get over the 3 guys before she slept with with the exception of me.

Best practice.. especially for girls...is avoid the convo of how many i shoulda got over it i didnt....pretty sad

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009):

I am a 22 year old male, old fashioned at that. I have had sex with 7 women (5 of which i regret) not counting my current fiance.

From the second i met her i knew she was a wild girl. I loved her personality, the laughter she somehow drew out of me. But i began getting skeptical after speaking with some of her friends and even her own sister about the 80 guy friends that surrounded her at the bar everytime we went.. so i asked her.

She had told me she had been with 4 guys before me. I was so happy to have finally found a girl with respect for herself. Then not 2 weeks later i was at her sisters and the conversation of partners came up. Everyone began saying their's, then it came to my fiance. She said 4, and people laughed.

So i asked her again that night, well it then went up to 8. So now im wondering what the hell. She not only lied to me, but she got my hopes up, and man i fell hard for this girl.

I soon let her past be her past, it wasn't the number that got me, it was the lies. I have always been honest with her.

Our last fight was a bad one. She told me she hadn't been with anyone in 8 months.. and i find out she had slept with 2 men 2 weeks before we got together.

So its up to 10. WHY cant women be honest. I was honest. She knew my opinion on liars, as well as casual sex.

So ladies answer me this. Since i know her lying only will progress, why lie? I know she has been with more then 10, even though thats her current number. As my uncle always said, take a girls parteners, and add 5.

Im sorry this is so long, i feel its ruining my mindset on our relationship as a whole. I would love to feel the same way about her, back when i thought she had only 4 partners.

Thanks.

P.S.

To those who think men are insecure about a womans sexual experiences i will leave you with this.

I am old fashioned. I believe that sex is a incredible yet fragile thing that should be respected and cherished. Im not saying i havent had a one night stand, im saying that some people hold different values and expect as such in a partner.

So really anyone's opinion is just something for another person who relates to it, to accept.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2009):

Gosh some of these results are tame. Except for the one where the girl had 50 at age 18 and her friends had 150 and were 16 although I find that hard to believe...

I just enjoy sex and like to experiment, you could argue that I should enjoy it with just one guy but I can't. I'm 30 and been engaged and cheated on. i've kept a rough tally and I'm at about 350. Many were unprotected but if you're going to have oral sex unprotected then vaginal is hardly a big difference.

Each to their own.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009):

I am 20 years old and thought i had sex with alot of people...i dont see how all yall keep count i lost count around 15 but have had sex with around 20 ot sure the exact number is that too much?? my advice would be to never tell a girl how many people you have had sex with

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009):

I'm 26 almost 27. I have had 9 partners in my life. Sadly, only 4 of them have been serious. Of the five others, one was stupidity from youth and ignorance(age 17), 4 were the results from the aftermath of 2 of my 4 serious relationships ending. I am not proud of my history, but it is MY History and part of the story of my life. It was an eye opener for somethings I did not know about myself that needed to be addressed (daddy issues, gender bias issues, disassociation habits). Today I am in a serious relationship and it is stunted because I was ignorant/naive enough to share my past with my partner. The best policy is mystery. People work very hard to change and knowledge of their past can sometimes thwart the accomplishments of people who have sincerely handled bad points in their lives. An example of this comes from another facet of my life-when I was in school from age 5 to 18 I did not excel in school despite my high IQ because I didn't want to and a lot of problems were in my home to help this apathy. I did not change until the last year of high school-all the bad things in my life were the same but I CHOOSE to do better-I wanted to graduate with honors. I missed the mark by .15 on a 4.0 scale. When I got to college, my inconsistent transcript made it hard to get in. I have a 3.7 on a 4.0 scale and also was the valedictorian of my major-Mathematics. When it comes to relationships-don't send in your transcript-just show that person how much you value that relationship. If it wasn't for those 5 mistakes-I would Never have seen what was wrong with me and thus never would have changed. Unlike colleges, people don't let go of your past if you prove to be better. I am sorry that it hurts the one I am with.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009):

Anybody in here seen the movie Clerks with the "37 Dicks!?" scene?

Well that's how a majority of men would react in that situation.

Personally I'm 20 years old and I'm still a virgin. I think for somebody of my age group anywhere between 0-10 is fine. That's probably healthy if anything.

Many more than that though, and you can whine all you want about how it shouldn't matter or whatever, but the fact of the matter is; it does. It matters if you've had sex with like 60 guys and you're only 20 years old.

Personally I would never want to be in a relationship with somebody who had been around the block so many times for a number of reasons; primary among which are STIs, suggested commitment issues or likelihood of infidelity and putting your penis the same place as 60 other guys simply as an idea doesn't seem attractive no matter which way you slice it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009):

I'm 30 years old and I have slept with 49 women. Now I'm looking for number 50 to be my wife. What will I tell her in regard to how many partners I've had?? 5 of course!

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A female reader, Carrot2000 United States +, writes (8 November 2009):

Carrot2000 agony auntOne of the biggest mistakes women make is assuming men think the same way we do. Clearly, men are bothered by the number of sexual partners a woman has had. Like it or not, that's the way it is, ladies. I suggest you LIE like a dog or avoid the question altogether if a man asks you about your sexual past.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009):

24 years old, 38 sexual partners. I'm not too worried about my future beau worrying about it because I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone who was not very open-minded, if not almost a complete libertine.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009):

Basic rule of thumb for anyone who hopes for marriage someday, at the VERY LEAST (if waiting until marriage is not an option for you) keep it in the single digits.

To all the folks saying that the number of partners matters not or that it's immature to judge based on someone's number of past partners, I think you are immature and deluding yourselves. The fact is that if you ever want to get married someday, you need to keep the number low; no one wants to marry someone that doesn't make them feel special. Nobody cares what you think or what you feel or what your excuses are, by choosing to be promiscuous you have lessened your chances of finding someone who will stay with you for good. Sex is supposed to create a bond between two people which aids in strengthening a relationship, but if your bond with your partner is weak (and it will be if they are but one on a long list of others), then the smallest of problems will destroy your relationship. All relationships have issues and staying together usually depends how strong your bond to this one person is because if you stay only while you are happy, your relationship is doomed to failure. The greater the number of partners, the less likely it is that anyone will love you for anything but what you have between your legs.

When choosing someone for a lifelong commitment, why on earth would you want to be second place to ANYTHING? There is always someone bigger/better/sexier, but knowing that YOU are number one in the eyes of at least one person is something that can make all the difference in the world; that bond is what used to keep marriages together. People have a need to feel special to someone and being number 25 (or whatever number) on a long list of men is not something I care to be for the woman I am to spend my life with. Sex is not a casual act nor has it ever been, so for your own benefit, try to practice moderation. Don't take my word for it though, studies have been published on this very topic and they all come to the same conclusion: marriages between two people who have little to no sexual experience before marriage tend to stay together while those with more experience tend to fail. The reasons vary by study, but they all come to the same basic conclusion, keep it in your pants!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009):

From personal experience, I now believe that the best thing to do is DO NOT ASK and DO NOT TELL. As long as you and your significant other are disease free, let it rest. It is irrelevent. I love someone who was honest with me and stated that she had four men before me. She told me about how she'd done it in the back of a police car. How she had sex with her ex-boyfriend the night before his wedding. How she had sex with her future husband in the back of his store. How her first abusive boyfriend made her perform oral sex on him. As much as I try not to, I find myself constantly thinking about her having been with these guys. Three of them were many years ago. However, she's given me too much history, and to me it's too much information. After learning this, I have never been able to look at her the same way. Every time I see a police car, what do you think crosses my mind? The thing is, is that she loves me to death, and has never done anything to hurt me. She has only shown me love and faithfulness. She is my soulmate, but our problem is that we talk about anything and everything. However, some subjects are best not discussed. I have learned too late, that you should love the person you are with for who they are and how they treat you. Their sexual past should remain in the past. Your sex life is the most intimately private thing you have. For your own good, keep yours to yourself, and don't pry into your partner's past.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009):

I am thirty-three and I have slept with so many men that I've lost count - although I know it's between 30 and 40. Some I just gave oral but I had intercourse with most. I was acting like a slut with most of them but some were serious relationships. I am now married. I was very open about my past with my husband. I think he was put off at first but now he actually enjoys knowing I've been with so many men. He thinks it shows that I have a real interest in sex and he also likes knowing that he's the best I've ever had - that really means something when you're told that by a woman that's been with a multitude of men rather than someone with only a couple of other partners.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009):

Im only 17 and have had 10 sexual partners...i sometimes regret it because I know that if i continue like this nobody is going to want me because people cant deal with that and its only going to increase but people shouldnt judge you by the number of people you have slept with...it should be about the person you are

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009):

One thing that confuses me on these answers is people act like you have to have a large amount of parents in order to think of yourself as having a strong sex drive. I am 29 years old and I have only been with one partner. We met when we were 15 years old, and got married when were 19 years old and we've been together ever since. A committed relationship is extremely fulfilling. I do not look down on anyone for having a large amount of sexual partners; however, I do not understand how it could be fulfilling. It is then just an act ... like when dogs hump it doesn't mean anything. Although, I realize it isn't necessarily the norm anymore to have one partner (especially when you're pushing 30), but I'm proud of that. I like that my man is my one and only.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009):

The fact is guys don't view a woman as a 'slut' (or vice versa) until there is some level of emotional connection, and that is simply down to the fact that its unbearable to imagine the person you love with anyone else

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009):

I'm a male, married with 2 children. I recently found out that my wife had casual sex with friends. There are other questions I asked and answers that I didn't like. And other questions that I didn't ask because I was afraid of the answers. This all happened before we married so it shouldn't bother me, but it does.

I guess finding our true soulmate is something of a fantasy. She was perhaps mine, but I was not hers. Maybe I became it, I'm not sure what to think anymore.

Sex and love are separate things for some, it is one in the same for others. It truely is a matter of trust in the end no matter what the numbers are.

I hope you find your answer, I'm not sure what mine will be. I do love my children, but is it worth my personal sanity. It makes me wonder if I really knew my wife when we first met and then got married. Do you think you know your partner?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009):

Yesterday was tricky. I'm 20 and my now ex-girlfriend is 21. I'd found out that this girl who I loved and shared my life with in what was supposed to be an exclusive relationship is working on her 21st guy. I had never gotten an accurate number from her while we were together because I made the mistake of trusting her and because she told me that they were all in the past and that she was with me now. Now I've learned that about 8 of those guys were actually within the six months I was involved with her. Not only was this disgusting for me to learn, but she had actually deluded herself to her own best friend that she truly cared about me and said I was the best guy she had ever had. I've now come to understand that it's not even about how many partners a person has had, but the reasons behind it. Her number was so high because she had a horrible, horrible father and needed the attention of men to validate herself. For me, it's not about a girl's number anymore. It's about whether she has the ability to commit and remain faithful, because there is a clear line between being single and involved that should not be crossed.

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A male reader, heartfullalove Ireland +, writes (31 August 2009):

heartfullalove agony auntI'm 19 and have been to bed or gotten heavily sexual with 10 partners, six of which led to full penetrative intercourse. All of them were within the last year, and sometimes I worry that that's quite a lot and makes me a slut (especially as most of them were basically strangers).

However, I'm sure everyone has a different outlook, and some people just have more urgent, overwhelming sex drives than others.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009):

Im 22 and have slept with 86 guys. Im super bugged about the number but my longest relthionship was 8 months... and im hot :P

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009):

I'm 23 and a woman. I've slept with 17 men. This does not bother me. However, it apparently bothers most men. I find this retarded....and i bet it has more to do with the fact that they themselves are self-concious about the fact that often their number is significantly lower. I've slept with 5 virgins...so imagine how they must feel. lol

really i don't see a problem...cuz i do it cuz i like it and sometimes its emotional and others just physical

i think people have to realize that they should never measure their worth by their sexual activity. It's how u think..not who Fu*k.

I am not approving of someone being a slut or a womanizer....but rather that these are mindsets...not numbers that define that.

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A female reader, bgat United States +, writes (27 August 2009):

I'm really seriously grossed out by some of these comments. Where is the self respect anymore. I don't think people realize that 1 out of 5 people have a STD. Me and my boyfriend of over a year recently broke up because of this. I'm 28 and he is 39 and found out he has had 55 partners before and been in two relationship that lasted 6 yrs. I know he is older but do the math, that is the 12 yr age differnce between us. I broke it off bc how am i suppose to know that he will be happy with just me and not want something elese out there. And what really disguses me is the whole sharing partners crap. If a person is truely in love with someone they wouldn't want to have sex with any other person than you. That is what love is and sex is so much enjoyable with someone that you are in love with bc you are playing with your life. People seriously need to gain self respect and love themselves.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009):

I'm really seriously grossed out by some of these comments. Where is the self respect anymore. I don't think people realize that 1 out of 5 people have a STD. Me and my boyfriend of over a year recently broke up because of this. I'm 28 and he is 39 and found out he has had 55 partners before and been in two relationship that lasted 6 yrs. I know he is older but do the math, that is the 12 yr age differnce between us. I broke it off bc how am i suppose to know that he will be happy with just me and not want something elese out there. And what really disguses me is the whole sharing partners crap. If a person is truely in love with someone they wouldn't want to have sex with any other person than you. That is what love is and sex is so much enjoyable with someone that you are in love with bc you are playing with your life. People seriously need to gain self respect and love themselves.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009):

i lost my virginity at 16 to my best friend, he was 17 and i was his 20th...which was a ridiculously high number for me to comprehend. he's the very typical manwhore that loves sex and definitely does it a lot. however, he's set apart from the wrest because he doesn't just use girls and he really cares about them.

when i slept with him he didn't just drop me the next week. he never pushed it until we had talked about it and i decided i was ready.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009):

I'm a 32 year old therapist and let me share my personal and professional experience. I slept with 17 partners. As for male and female difference, it exists but the gap is not as wide as people assume.

There is a cultural myth that men are supposed to enjoy sex without emotional connections. I counseled men who were players and they are so unhappy. And then there are the young men who measure their sense of masculinity by how many partners they had. Seriously, there's no logic behind having a double standard for yourself and your partner.

It's not the number of partners but the intention behind why you want to have sex. I wish everyone would take an honest look at themselves.

I had guys who go on their adventures and right afterwards they are in my office feeling lonely and depressed. The older they are and the more they continued in the casual sex lifestyle, the more unhappy they are. Men have strong emotional needs but it's not always expressed the same way. I think our culture is harmful to the emotional development of males. And culture stunts sexual development of both sexes.

Studies have shown that men who are in committed relationships or marriage are much more happier and less likely to be depressed.

From personal experience, when I was into casual sex as a

college student, one of the guys who I played with wanted a serious relationship and I didnt.

After counseling both men and women, I've come to the conclusion that humans are not wired to just have casual sex. Human sexuality is deeper and desires emotional, mental and possibly spiritual connection. Casual sex will be fine for a short time but doesnt seem to satify people in the long run. We're humans not reptiles.

I'm now married and monogamous relationships are so much more fulfilling. I stopped having casual sex when I was 26. Looking back, I feel much more fulfilled when having sex with a committed, monogamous relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009):

Well I just turned 18 and I've had 6 partners. I don't regret any of them and personally I don't feel I was taken advantage of or used because sex is an enoyable thing and I don't mind it being casual.

I wouldn't really ever not start a relationship or sleep with a guy just because of their number. Everyone has their own morals and I don't think it matters as long as you're safe.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

I am 25 and my (now ex-) girlffriend was 22. I have had 5 sexual partners and I was her 7th.

It took me a long time to get over it, and for some readon the fact was made worse that she didn't lose her virginity until she was 18. It just seemed so calculated and not due to immaturity, since she had chosen to wait that long in the first place.

I was also taken aback because I truly loved her and it pained me to hear about these men that she had slept with that she had little respect for. Our relationship (sexual, emotional, every facet) was so special I was hurt to think about her interactions with other me.

I consider her to be a much more attractive person than me and putting myself in her shoes I can see where she is coming from. I just find it odd that she does not regret it at all. I regret 3 of my 5 partners. But then again, she had different types of relationships than I did.

The fact is, I was working on getting over it. That is what you do when you really love someone and trust them. Now that we are no longer together I hate to think of the relationships she may be having. It is best not to. I don't know how I will react to this; sex will never be just an act anymore.

Thank you for your time.

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A female reader, Jane1991 United Kingdom +, writes (21 July 2009):

I'm an 18 year old girl and i've had 7 sexual partners. There were times in the past where I felt really bad about the amount of men i'd slept with but now I don't actually care anymore. People who judge you on how many sexual partners you've had are the people who scrutinise you over ANYTHING. If it's not how many people you've slept with it's the colour of your hair, skin, level of intelligence.

At the end of the day, if people are that insecure about how many people their partner's have slept with then they're not mature enough to be in a relationship in the first place.

I don't like to use the term "double standards" because I think neither sex is at fault here; men are just as bad as women and vice versa.

I wouldn't care how many people my partner had slept with, it doesn't change the fact that they're CHOOSING to be in a serious relationship with me, it just means that they've had fun in the past and, being perfectly honest, lived their life.

I think we live in a society where too much pressure is put on people to do the "right" things but what is right when it's mostly down to opinion?

Live your life and if someone judges you based on something as trivial as the number of sexual partners you've had then don't waste your time with them!

Fair enough to anyone who thinks a certain number automatically categorises someone a "slut" or whatever but i'm sorry i just don't agree with that!

For me, what I look for in a person is a good sense of humour, caring nature, affectionate and loving, anything else is irrelevant :)

So to all girls/guys out there who feel like they've slept with too many people, you haven't!

As long as you're safe then have fun and live your life!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

I am a male over 55 years old. I have always been a good looking kid/man. Sex has never been a problem for me to get. My first sexual encounter,I was 16 yrs old with a 18 year old girl. I have had over 100 "different" woman sex partners. In retrospect, a majority of the encounters took place without my having any feeling towards the woman at all. I just wanted to complete the act and move on to the next (yes I kept lists), sometimes 2-3 in same night, not together. I was no better than a dog. It is not a good feeling to have sex without love. Took me a long time (into my late 40's) to come to terms with that. I am not passing judgement on any man. But this is coming from a real "Player". I am 100+% satisfied with the woman I have now(and yes I told her everything,she was not too thrilled but we have now been together over 15 years). To the women on this post I say it is better to have a man who has been with differnt women because if he is a momma's boy he will be tempted at the first pass some women makes on him whereas an experienced "Player" will tell her to move on

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009):

I'm a 23 year old male, and I don't know how many people I've been with. It's a good amount, but I've always been safe, and honest. I don't think some people really understand the concept that each person is their own person. If you want to have sex with a lot of people, do it. If you don't, don't. Just be honest with your partner(s), if they run for the hills, so be it. Just do what makes you comfortable and happy. All is fair in the world of sex, casual or non casual, granted each person knows where the other stands and accepts it. It's up to people to make the right decisions for themselves, and give others a chance to make their own decisions that they believe are right.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009):

Hello. I dated a guy once and when he said at age 24 that he slept with 15 girls, that was enough for me to want out. But I guess for me a guy who at age 27 (like I am) slept with under 10 is something I can deal with.

So basically I would prefer someone who was never married, doesn't have kids and has had less than 10 sexual partners. More than that, well that would be a deal breaker.

I hope that helps.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009):

Anonymous,

I feel for you. For whatever it is worth I totally respect you because you at least have the guts to admit that you made mistakes and tell the truth vs. hide behind some sexual liberation cop-out.

Men and women are different. We look at sex and relationships differently. Unfortunately people think different means unequal when it has nothing to do with equality - just gender realities. Men want women who are virtuous. And even though your actions are regretful, to you and most men that would be interested in you (at least for serious relationships), at least he would totally identify with how you feel about your actions today and be attracted to the quality inside you that makes you feel that way.

I am guessing that you speak for many women in your situation. I'm a man so I must admit I'm only guessing at that.

My recommendation, again for whatever it is worth, is to stay celibate for a couple years. Focus on yourself, your interests, your education, your career... and then when you find that special person, go for it.

I think the time and space in between your past sexual relationships will allow you to forget, make you feel good about yourself and would be very appreciated and attractive to the guy.

I remain terribly impressed with your candor and your attitude ...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009):

I'm just about to turn 19. I lost my virginity at age 17. before my first time i was set on waiting for marriage and i really wish i had. since then i've had 12 partners and have only had sex 16 times total. I'm completely disgusted with myself and don't want anyone to touch me anymore. the majority of theese were drunken one night stands that i justified to being okay because i was young. I've never had a serious relationship, i've never had a guy around for more than a couple weeks. I feel like i've ruined myself, i've used protection and have been checked but i just don't want anyone i care about to be with my because they deserve something better. I still feel like im a virgin because even though i've had a lot of partners i don't know what im doing half the time and i get really nervous. I don't always know how to say no if i like the guy cause i don't want them not to like me. I've just really really screwed myself into the ground here and im starting to just want to be alone.

I suggest to all people to wait until you're married because then you'll be with someone who truly loves you and cares about you.

I just wish i could have that.

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A male reader, Emerald2000 Canada +, writes (20 May 2009):

To Smeedle,

Spoken like someone who has slept with lots of men. Why would you say anything different?

I find it hilarious that you think men are "insecure" just because we don't like to get serious with women who sleep around. It's not a moral judgment so there is no need to get defensive. It's simply a preference. We don't like it. It doesn't attract us. It isn't appealing to us. We're not saying you have to like it. We are allowed to like what we like.

Are you trying to say that men "must" be attracted to women who sleep around simply because it's not immoral? I don't think it's immoral. That's not the point. And who said anything about you having to be ashamed? No man expects you to be, nor really cares whether you are - or not.

So let me clarify. How many sexual partners a person has is up to the person. Unless religion enters into it, and I am not arguing this, men don't necessarily think a woman is any less a person or worthy based upon how many men she's slept with. We don't think about the morality of it. We don't care about the morality of it. I'd treat a "slut" with the same respect I'd treat a "virgin" or anything in between. We just wouldn't get serious with the "slut", aka "sexually liberated woman". Call it what you want - I didn't make up the word. It's actually in the dictionary. So why wouldn't we get serious with her? Because we suddenly feel inferior? Hilarious. You should give up on trying to tell us what we think. You don't know. We do. No, it's because it just doesn't appeal to us. It doesn't turn us on in fact it turns us off. Doesn't make you less, but it doesn't make you serious girlfriend material to us either. Sorry.

So if you think it shouldn't matter to guys (and speaking of audacity isn't it a bit much for "you" to dictate to "us" what should matter to us) than by all means share the fact that you've slept around with your current or next partner, describe your threesomes, your sexual adventures, all of the "sexual liberation" which you are duly entitled to and have enjoyed. Hell, show him color pictures and the home movie you made. See what happens. I'm sure he'll love you all the more for your honesty and your adventurous spirit. Yep. Uh-huh. Really, and I mean that. Uh-huh.

Have a nice day.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009):

I find it extremely distressing that women are made to feel ashamed about enjoying sex with different partners when they are single free women. I also find it sad that there are so many men out there that are that insecure, with such inferiority complexes about their girlfriends having passed one night stands or casual liasons with other men at a time when they were free and single to do so.

If you are a man and your girlfriend has chosen you then be grateful that she was firstly honest about her previous sexual experiences because I know as a woman that many of us do not admit it as its something personal. Secondly how dare a man even have the nerve to judge a woman, if you truly cared or loved the woman u were with then surely it shouldnt matter and she would not feel the need to justify herself. I certainly would not justify myself or my previous experiences to a man, because if he cared for me that much then he wouldnt even bother to ask.

I am a professional successful business woman, educated and well travelled and I would be insulted if someone branded me a slut due to my sexual experiences with men just because I embrace life. I do not judge people who are celibate until marraige nor do I judge people with more experience than myself. Most women are not bothered by mens previous encounters very few ask, but it seems to me so many men are so intimadted and insecure by sexually liberated women. I think these men should look more closely at themselves before branding women sluts and passing judgement, we live in the modern age where quite frankly only sexist pigs provide double standards between men and women.

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A male reader, Emerald2000 Canada +, writes (18 May 2009):

Okay, let's all get real here. There are two perspective's - from a girl's and a guy's. I can't speak from the girl's view point but I can talk from the guy's perspective. In fact I'll say what every single guy, that isn't auditioning for the new "Phil Donahue" award, really thinks.

For a girl 21 or younger then anything over 2 to 3 partners is too many.

For a girl in her twenties, between 3 to 8 is fine depending on whether she is in her early vs. late twenties.

For gals 30 to 100 - over 10 guys is too much. Yep, it pretty much tops out.

And this assume they're relationships - if a girl has casual sex with a random guy even once, forget about it.

We're quite fine sleeping with girls who've had casual sex or more partners but we sure don't want to have a serious relationship with them because we think of them as sluts.

Sometimes we might try if we really care about the girl and if we found out after the fact but the truth is it tortures us to the point that we eventually either leave or we drive the girl away. And how many girls we've slept with has no bearing on what we think at all. I am not saying this is fair - it's of course hypocritical. But we don't care.

That is EXACTLY what we really think. And if more guys had the balls to say it you'd all be a lot more enlightened about the truth.

There you have the definitive answer for "guys" when it comes to "girls". Again, I can not speak for what "girls" think the answer is for "guys".

Have a nice day.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

I would like to just shed my opinion here. "How many is too many" is an arbitrary question. You will find that each person is ok / no ok with different numbers / settings / reasons based on their own life experiences. Any answer to this question is purely an opinion of that person, and can not be thought of as a norm or what is acceptable. I know people who think that 1 is too many, or 10 is too many, or 100, or there is not a limit at all.

The truth is, I can relate to some of the people here who say that they feel hurt because of their partners sexual past, rather it was the number, the threesomes, or the random one nighters. I can understand that because I have experienced the pain it can cause. But, at the same time, I cant understand the people who say they are torn up over their partners having been with a couple of people prior to them. Its all situational.

In my opinion, I think that everyone should express the idea that 1 is too many, and try to keep as few people in your pants as possible. Not only for the sake of health, but for you and your future lovers sanity. It would be wiser to keep things on the safe side, than to let it all loose and try and pull it all back together later.

I have not slept with many too women... But after feeling the heart rending pains of what this situation can cause, I regret having ever slept with any of them except for the woman who I love and want to spend my life with. I feel bad that other women have gotten to experience me, feel my body, touch me kiss me love me like my current gf. She is not upset regarding my past, however, I feel as though I have less to offer her because of it. I dont have anything to give her that I have not already given so many other women. I would do anything to feel as though I had more to offer her than any woman in my past.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008):

My boyfriend is all bent out of shape because he thinks I've had too many partners. My boyfriend doesn't even know my number but he knows that it's more than he'd like. We've been struggling with this issue for about six months now. One day he told me that sometimes he just can't stop thinking about where my mouth has been. Hurt - yes! Beyond hurt. To all the men out there... can my boyfriend ever get over this?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008):

***I personally wouldn't care if the guy I was with slept with 100+ as long as we were together that is what counts. Bonus: it means he has a lot more experience!

***As for numbers how does 1 for every year old you are sound? :) J/K!

***In a perfect world 1 is the right amount...so anything past it is too many. I doubt many people live in that ideal situation. I don't know...what do you think?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008):

Im a Seventeen yo female and have hade 7 sexual partners in my mind i do think that is quite high but most of my friends think that im a "good girl" because they have been with alot more.i dont tell peple how many people i have been with partly because sometimes i do feel like a slut and partly because some of the people have to remain a secret.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008):

hello,

I'm 26 yo, bisexual, got around 250 sex partners (female)

45 sex partners (male)

I love sex, but I also like when it's safe"...

have fun and always use a condom, that's my advice...

bye

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008):

I'm 21 and have slept with 15 men and 2 women, and I started having sex when I was 17. I think people's ideas of 'too many' differ so much that there's no point worrying really, because even a girl who's slept with 2 people will be called a slut by someone, you just can't win! To be honest I wouldn't want to be with a guy who judges me on how many people I've slept with, I'm not really into double standards or conservative types.

What bothers me is the idea of 'I don't want to make my number much higher than x, therefore I will only have sex with three more people for the rest of my entire life, then I'll stop so that I don't feel like a slut.' I just find that such a depressing thought - no more sexual partners for the rest of your existence on this earth? You only live once.

I can't really say I have any regrets, because it was really good with each person, and I've always practised safer sex and get tested regularly. I guess I just really enjoy sex and don't want to live like a nun just so that some insecure man could reassure himself that he's had more sexual partners than I have.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008):

i'm 25 and i've had 9 partners. i dont think thats high at all. i never ask the guys im with how many they have been with, because its really none of my business. i ask if they are disease free, and i always have safe sex, and thats all i need to know. i dont think any have ever asked me my number, i would tell them and if it freaked them out then they could either deal with it or stop dating me rather than be a big baby about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008):

Hmm...how many is too many? I dont think that there should be a "too many" answer, the more experience you would think the better.

I mean im 19, and i have had 11 partners.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008):

this is ridiculous. A woman is never a slut no matter how many people she has slept with. Her healthy enjoyment of sexuality should not be condemned by a bunch of prudes who have decided that the number of partners cheapens the person. So the guys who are sick to their stomachs that their girlfriends have slept around are people with terrible issues of control and domination.

Face it, sex is not sacred, it is not special in any religious way. Leaving fairytales aside, it is an important part of who we are as a species and something that arises paradoxical responses in everyone. Some of these responses (i.e. i'm a slut) are social conditioning. Others, like jealousy, are the result of more complex physiological responses.

Why do you get contradictory feelings? because evolution is a the result of chance mutations and things that once were useful no longer are. The same way you have an appendix that is no longer necessary or wisdom teeth that were only good to chew raw meat.

Not to be offensive, but any religious explanation of sexuality is a horrific brainwash that will hopefully end one day. If only the Romans had not adopted that psychotic apocalyptic cult the world would be a better place for those of us who enjoy our sexuality.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008):

Unless you have regrets there is no set thing as too many. What is right for you is right. I don't know how many women I have had sex with..I don't count notches. All I can say is that I have never regreted having sex with a women and have ALWAYS felt better for having made love to a woman. I do,however, have permanent regrets about passing up several opportunaties that I could have had.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008):

It seems the message here is that its ok for a guy to have many partners, but not girls. Based on the human population being roughly 50/50 male/female, who would these guys be sleeping with??!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008):

I'm 36 and have slept with 118 women, which includes 3somes (MFM and FMF) etc.

I'm not ashamed, but i don't tell a lot of people- people make judgments on things they don't understand.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008):

I am an 18 year old female, I am a virgin. I have been a few serious relationships, but after a few months the subject of sex comes up. These relationships then end because I express how I want to wait until I am married, because sex is sacred. I want to be respected and loved whole heartedly by my future husband. I just don't want any regrets in life. I just want to do things "right."

Also as a female, you must all be aware that once you have 5 or more sexual partners you are now considered "high risk" for cervical cancer, hpv and other abnormalities and must get papsmears very frequently.

Too many, is a matter of opinion between you and your partner, just always do what is in your best interest and the interest of your partner. Always respect yourself! And be safe!

well, there is my two cents.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2008):

Kingofpain... You are wildly misusing the terms "emotional child abuse." I think it's the parent's job to create a loving household for their kids and to give them the tools to make good decisions. Having had 1 partner or 20 partners won't change how great a parent you will be. And if you've had more partners than you're comfortable sharing with your children, then don't share with them. But use your life experiences to try to improve the lives of your children. Someone with multiple partners will know better what kind of challenges their kids are likely to face and will probably be able to give better advice. You're actually the self-centered one to think that whatever your spouse has done directly impacts you. Sorry honey, it's not all about you. Are you married with kids? It doesn't sound like it. If so, I feel bad for them because you don't sound like the type that easily forgives, and everyone is bound to make a mistake once in a while. Nobody is perfect. Your ignorance is a perfect example of one of your, probably many, imperfections.

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A male reader, passionatelynumb United States +, writes (19 September 2008):

passionatelynumb agony auntKingofPain hit the nail on the head.

I had exactly what he said happen to me the other day.

My fiancé and I were enjoying a dinner out with friends, when in walks a past hookup of hers.

The love of my life then turns to her friend and goes on to describe this guy as a clueless idiot that had no idea how to treat a girl. The date was a disaster. So when I asked why she had sex with him, it was because she went home with him drunk from a club on two separate occasions, before they ever went on a date. This all happened just couple weeks before she started dating me.

In fact, it turns out; he was number nine in an alcohol fueled year of partying and casual sex.

It ripped my guts out to hear all this, especially seeing the guy right there.

The thing is, she is nothing like that now. She’s ready to settle down and is so happy to have all of that behind her.

I look at her face and it looks so innocent, but I cant help feeling nauseous at the fact that she respected herself so little.

She loves me with all of her heart. She treats me like a king. Her parents love me and are spending a great deal on our wedding. Yet despite all of this, I can’t get passed the fact that she shared the most intimate part of herself with guys she barely knew or even liked that much.

Each day I struggle with it. Each day is a fight to stay in the relationship. Its funny, she had three long term relationships before me and those don’t bother me at all. It’s the flings and the hookups that tear me up inside. That and the total number of partners. She was my second. I waited until I really thought there was something between us before we got physical. I hate knowing I’m her thirteenth.

It makes me sick inside.

I don’t know if it is the total number that hurts people but how it relates to the other partner. If I had lived that lifestyle, maybe I wouldn’t feel so hurt.

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A male reader, kingofpain United States +, writes (17 September 2008):

Really?....Isn't abuse what we are really talking about here? Self abuse...abuse of others....Are any of you people married, and if so,for how many years? How many of you females with a dozen...20...45 sex partners in your past are divorced or have had one? Have kids? It all seems so simple when you are young and sooo sooo self centered. Some people never grow out of it. Do what you want. It's nobody's business but yours. It's my life, I'm not hurting anyone else......Sorry, but what you have done and/or are doing now will eventually hurt someone.

Male or female having a string of sex partners behind you and is disrespectful of your future spouse and children. It will hurt your spouse and it will hurt you knowing it hurts them if you truly love them. It will devistate your son to find out that his mother has been with so many other men besides their father (emotional child abuse)and it will create another heartless opportunistic emotionally abusive male slut if he finds out his dad behaved that way in his youth. What's a young girl to think when she finds out her dad was the same kind of guy that mom and ad warn her to stay away from or her mom was the kind of girl everyone talks ugly about in school? Think that won't have any affect on her? (Think emotional child abuse) Mom and dad aren't going to resent that there signifigant others past sexual history is the reason their happy, go lucky kid's personality and behavior has made an abrupt turn for the worst? How about you? Think it will matter to you when you and your spouse are out on the town and you run face to face into some piece of crap you slept with wearing their sh_t eating grin? What about that look on your spouses face? The love of your life. What is that look? Shame? Betrayal? Pain? What if it's your child that is with you? Who was that man mommy? Who was that woman daddy?

Just something to think about.........Never mind how your spouse, the Love of Your Life REALLY feals about it...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008):

Women may claim not to like the double standard, but they help support it just as much as men do.

As a guy, being known as a player might cost you some girls. But that reputation will HELP your chances with more than enough girls to make up for it every time. (Even these attracted women might still decide they want nothing to do with the player, but that decision won't come until AFTER they've had a chance to sleep with him a half-dozen times first.)

And women are as judgmental on (female) "sluts" as men are. Every bit as hard on them.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008):

Well im a 25 year old female. I have been with about 45 guys. Most of that number comes from my college years. Since i left college i have only been with 5 guys. I do regret most of them. They were pretty much all one night stands except for 5 of them. The reason i regret it is that it does make me feel trashy about myself. But i made a decision to not have sex with anyone until i was in a relationship with them for 4 months. Its been a year and a half since i have had sex. I will never tell the guy i am dating the number of guys i have been with.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008):

I am 28 and I'm not sure how many guys I have slept with. I used to count meticulously and swear the number wouldn't go up, and then feel guilty about it when I did. Once I got into the mid to high twenties (number of partners) I stopped counting because I felt it was making me feel unneccessarily guilty. I've been comfortable with that decision for the last few years, although if I had to guess I would think my number is somewhere around 40. I haven't been so comfortable with that lately, and it's not because of the number but it's actually because I fear I might be a sex addict. I love love and I love relationships but I get so turned on by risky sexual relations. I dated a guy one summer who told me he had slept with about 200 women. Instead of being upset I was incredibly turned on by it. I was also turned on when I guy I slept with told me he had slept with someone else earlier that day. I had a threesome a few years ago, and I recently started sleeping with someone in my office who has a girlfriend. We even had sex at work. Now I'm dating someone else and I'm in a constant struggle to stop sleeping with the work friend. In the past the only way I could stop sleeping with "friend" partners was to completely cut ties with them. It sounds really crazy putting this all down on paper because it sounds so awful and the reality is I'm an attractive, funny, smart, educated and successful woman with lots of friends. But how's that for issues? I don't even know where they came from.

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A male reader, h0m3 Australia +, writes (27 May 2008):

i have been seeing this women who has had 22 men some just a 1 night stand do you think that this is too many when she told me i was shocked and know i cant stop thinking about all them men who she has been with i dont want too be another victim

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008):

I'd say guys generally get into relationships for 3 reasons in their lifetime:

1. To have sex

2. To have love

3. To have kids

I'm a 23 yr old male and I'm a virgin by choice. Its kind of embarassing and I don't talk about it with other people. I do have a strong sex drive but I keep it in check because I don't just want to randomly have sex with people; I have some kind of emotional desire to be with someone and to know them. It sounds stupid but I guess I want a soul mate.

I don't know why but I couldn't have that with a woman who's had 5+ partners and even that is kind of pushing it. I could get sexual satisfaction from a relationship with a woman who had had however many partners and I'd tolerate that kind of a woman's past for the sake of having a family but it wouldn't be love.

I think the reason why is because either sex has some emotional significance for a person or it has none. If sex is meaningless to a person that kind of makes them a sociopath. How could you trust a person not to cheat? If each time they had sex it was emotinally significant then the more people they had sex with the more trival that emotinal connection becomes. I'd feel the same way about a woman who claimed to have told 5+ partners that they loved them. It can't mean something everytime; how do you know they mean it this time? If it did mean something every time then her love must mean very little.

Ultimately, I think we rely on sex to help create a bond between two people and when someone has a past that demonstrates an inability to create that bond or at least a strong bond it makes us suspicious. I know I'm probably idealistic and should just get used to the fact that this true love soul mate mumbo jumbo is only real in the movies but I'd rather be alone then have something meaningless so I at least have to try.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008):

I'm 25 and have only been with one person and its a serious relationship. Recently i found out that she has been with 20 guys, probably more. It was a real gut ripper because there was a spark from the first moment i saw her. It made me feel sick. The comment from Drew makes total since to me though. She says that all her serious relationships (3) ended with her getting cheated on or the guy wanting to leave and "experience more". As a result she was left with a void and found it when she could. It made her feel like she was in a relationship and didn't have to be lonely. She hasn't experimented with sex really which is the reason the number floored me. So, this makes it even more confusing to me, like she just wanted to get shagged you know in order to feel like she was in a relationship. Makes me feel cheap and like I'm just the one she wants to "start over" on just cause i wasn't like the others. I'm having a hard time with it and haven't really told her how much it bothers me. Should i say something......?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008):

I'm female and just turned 21 a month ago. I've been sexually active since the age of 17. When I lost my virginity it definitely was not how I pictured it being. There was no emotional bond or anything with the guy that I slept with. I never really thought about it, but maybe that's why sex never really meant much to me. I've slept with 23 guys. I had a serious boyfriend of 2 years. During those two years I actually experienced what "love making" was all about. I loved him,and sex became something much more than just hooking up. Since we broke up in January I've slept with five guys. One of which I dated for a month, and the rest resulted from crazy drunk nights. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I believe everything happens for a reason. I've done a lot of self reflection lately, and I realize I'm not perfect. I have to stop these one night stands and sex that is meaningless. I'm better than that.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008):

10+ for a girl around 25 years old is a lot...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008):

All of the comments ive read have hit home.

I am 27 and ive slept with 2 people in my lifetime, both of whom I loved/Love. My first partner was with me from young age, we were both virgins and after 5 years she cheated - as you can imagine, this ripped my stomach open like a knife but 6 months later and I found someone else, hit it off so amazingly and the bond was unreal, then 3 months in she admitted to me to having slept with near 50 guys.

cue the stomach being ripped open again. Its something ive fought hard to get rid of from my head or deal with or ignore and its caused many many arguments between us and she is disgusted in herself. Same story as many women, she was from a broken home, didnt get any love/attention as a younger person and then i guess it became the norm for her to sleep with guys who showed an interest. University didnt help either as thats just a place for people to have meaningless sex by the bucketload.

Cut a long story short, weve been together over a year and it doesnt hurt as much now, i guess ive built up a mental tolerance to it - 5 of her past partners have phoned her mobile phone in this time, each one ive answered and told to get to fuck or ill murder them - its the only way i can deal with it, it angers me that much that she has treated her body and herself in that way but then i think im selfish, who am i to judge? i wasnt there for the first 25 years of her life.

In short, its not a nice or easy thing to deal with and it seriously cuts you up inside but if you feel strongly enough about someone you can move past it in my opinion.

sex to me should be about love - not a reason to experiment or have a quick moment of lust - its the act of making another human life - if there is a god, ive no doubt he would be disgusted at how much that act has become so cheap in much of society.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008):

I am 17 and have slept with 8 different blokes/boys.. 3 have been in relationships and the other five have been one night stands.. All with people i already knew.. I beat myself up about it.. but believe it was just a phase.. I lost my virginity when i was almost 16 to a boy i had been with for 6 months it ment so much to me.. He broke my heart.. And then i think i just went a little crazy.. I don't want the number of sexual partners ive had to go any higher then 15 so im definatey going to stop the one night stand thing..I think if a woman has lots of sexual partners its a put off.. I used to judge people but dont anymore..and i always think people are judging me..But i must admit i do love sex.. I just think i need to get into a relationship instead of having casual sex with different people!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008):

Well I am 19 years old and have slept with 20 guys... I do feel like a slag I'll be honest, and I have met some guys who have issues with the number of people that I have slept with.. over 1 a year and I'm determined that it shouldn't go up. The thing is, as drew said there are a lot of reasons that people end up sleeping around.. it wasn't with me that I was a slag and I never had sex until I was 17, with my first bf who was also a virgin. It meant the world to me that we both were, but then predictablly it all went wrong.. as you never imagine it will.. and it broke my heart and I just didn't care anymore and that's when everything comes down on you, all the drink, the casual sex, because really, what is the point in caring?

After him, there was my second serious bf.. only the 2nd person I had slept with who I was with for a year. In the first few months of us being together he cheated and that really was the end for me. I stayed with him but we were just this paranoid mess of a couple and I cheated on him with 14 guys until we finally broke up. I told him about every single one and I told him that I loved him but had just been so so drunk.. I know now that I didn't love him. I wanted to and I wanted him to love me and to belong but that just cudn't happen. Everything just goes numb and ends and you simply don't care. If you think you love someone and they cheat on you, you are nothing or at least that's how u feel? And how can you fill that void? being wanted.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008):

This isn't really an answer, it's more of a question.

I'm 28 and my current gf is my 15th partner. I've been with my girlfriend for just over 6 months and I really like her, but recently it's kinda been coming out that she's probably slept with more guys than i'm comfortable with and she has a faily relaxed attitude about girls picking up guys at the bar to get laid (something about it's ok 'cause the girls on Sex and the City do it all the time). I guess I have a double standard, 'cause when I think about how many partners and one night stands is acceptable for a woman and for a man, the number for a woman is less, actually, it's pretty low. Part of me thinks I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help it. Any advice?

If I do ask exactly how many guys she's been with and I'm uncomfortable with the number and circumstances, should I just get over it, even if it bothers me? I don't want to ruin a good thing over something like this, but promiscuity doesn't really say anything good about someone's character.

Also, I don't really want to throw around actual numbers, but I'd say more than 10 might make me uncomfortable, but I could probably live with a few more...more than 15 and I don't know, more than 20 and I'm pretty sure i couldn't take it. I don't any less respect for a woman who's had a lot of partners, I just don't think I could have a serious relationship with one.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008):

OK i'm 22 ive had 3 girlfriends all of who i've had sex with. Outside of that I have slept with 47 girls over 6 years which last week brought my total tally to 50.

At school there was massive competition to get laid most weekends, and this taught me that if yu are confident and not too ugly, girls are very easy to get with (on the whole/around this age). Does this make them sluts? probably yes....does this make me a slut? No. My reasoning behind this is that I do not intend to settle down with 1 person for the rest of my life if I did then what i'm doing at the moment would devalue my future relationship thus leaving me open to criticism "slag/slut/whore/etc."

If however like me, you just love sex then why put up with name calling from people that are only saying these things beacuse they are worried that people like me might have sex with a girl they may one day want to settle down with?

Selfish

xx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007):

I'm 30 and my gf is 30. She has been with 17 to my 8 and its making me a little sick. Think about it for a second almost 20 guys? 20+ is just ridiculous. I agree with having a little fun but 20? Slut... Sorry won't change my mind. Case closed.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

well im dont know i dont feel like i've done alot but some may feel i have im 20 and i have had sex with a bout 50 people and no i have never been married and i also dont have any kids i havent caught nothing (thank god )but i dont think its to bad i know of girls whom have had sex with about 3 times more than i have and are not even 16

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007):

I was searching google to find out how many was too many because I just sat down and made a list of all my sexual partners. I have came up with 35 females that I have had sex or recieved oral sex from. Now im scared. Im only 18 and I started having sex at 17. 8 of these women where raw maybe i sould go get tested

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007):

It is really not a number that is important here but what that number tells you. What it usually tells you is that he/she lacks ability to connect or is emotionally unstable or puts sex in front of intimacy and feelings. If you take that person as a potential long term relationship partner it makes you feel sick. At that moment it is important to clear out in your head your ego from your completely reasonable instinct not to involve yourself emotionally with that type of a person. Second step is to understand that as long as he/she is healthy the question is if he/she still thinks it's cool to sleep around with usually miserable and desperate strangers? If the answer is yes then your instincts are telling you right. He-she adopted certain system of believes and values that will not be changed over night. Puke on him/her and get away. If the answer is no maybe there is a chance for relationship.

Why are we disgusted?

Warm and carrying people who are able to live in harmony with their environment don’t have chance to have casual sex simply because they develop relationships with everybody, and those kinds of people are most desirable to be around for even one night standers

What makes us disgusted?

What is awful to us is lack of relationship which means intimacy. Even having a lover means relationship with somebody based on romance, sex and mutual understanding without involving that person in the rest of your life. Today’s exchange for this is fuckin’ buddies, shallow relationship again.

.

Choosing contents of our lives

The fact is you can have maybe 3-4 deep relationships through your lifetime. Our harts are like paper. Bend it 4 times and after that they become stiff, they either crack or turn into a garbage. This is what fuck hunters are afraid most of ?. You will notice that New York times research says pretty much the same. Average 7guys, 4 girls. Lets say 3 big loves, 4 fuck ups.

What does this mean?

Usually it happens that those people who have so many partners and up not being able to connect any more. This is funny at the beginning they were afraid, and after changing partners they are afraid plus not able to connect anymore. They confirmed their system of beliefs and values because obviously everybody around them is like that. A lot of them just say it’s hard to find normal person…hmmm interesting… This means at the end of the day you share reality of either one of this group of people according to your system of believes and values. You choose that content, both of them have consequences.

Consequences

Many people having a lot of sex partners have double standards. They believe that’s OK to do it for them because they are unhappy, young, inexperienced, horney, experimental, drunk… This changes instantly when you put things this way: Would it be ok if your mum does it? Let me think… NO. Ok, how would you feel if your kid in future finds out about it? Ups! What about anybody you love and really cares about you gets to know what you are actually doing. Well it’s personal thing. Ok. So you have secrets with people you care about? Well yes. Aha…so that makes you feel less close to them? Yes! And so on…

Men studs-Woman sluts

Why do you need a lot of partners?

Men: to prove I am attractive, to have more sex, to confirm I am able to get a girl…

Women: prove I am attractive, to have more sex, to confirm I am able to get a guy…

Sounds the same. Well, it is the same. If you know you are very attractive, you know you are able to have girls/guys falling for you and if you have somebody you respect as a person and have sex with would you still do this? Heh, lot of partners means lack of security and emotional potential to develop relationship, also lack of emotional responsibility. This types of personality some call sluty. This means men are sluts too. Difference is men need to develop certain type of behavior in order to get girls and that means humor and optimism. Girls need to just have low standards and lack of intimacy concept to except this. In this context you can see guys as strong and woman as week but in long term run they are both the same.

Conclusion

So I had a lover, a girlfriend, two wives and a potential girlfriend that had this problem. Life is so funny and enjoyable and full of people who want to build relationships. Those who on the other hand don’t want to… heh cant complain how it’s hard to find the right one :)

Have a nice day

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007):

i'm 18 and have slept with 10 guys. I've only been sexually active since the start of this year.

i only dated one of them, and I was his first.

He found it disgusting that i had slept with so many guys and often used it against me in arguments and such. But when we first started dating he knew how many guys i had been with. I think if it was such a problem he should have just walked away in the beginning

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007):

I'm 48 years old. 50 sexual partners since 16 years old.

Have a nice day!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007):

im 25 and have no sexual experience!my boyfriend however has had plenty.i feel terrible about it and dont know if im going to be able to cope with it.in the back of my mind i question 'should this be the first person im with'. over 30 partners makes me feel cheap and just another girl.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007):

I am 21 years old and I have slept with 20 guys. To think that is basically one guy a year kinda shocks me. Fourteen of those guys were one night stands or casual flings. I got crazy and I didn't respect myself and I was out trying to find attention and someone to love me through picking up and giving the guys what they wanted. I do regret many of the people I have been with, but I would hate to be called a slag because I know I am not one... but people would think I was! I wouldn't care if my partner had slept with more than 20... as long as he respects himself and me then that is fine. Over 100 however, well that's crazy!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007):

To be honest with all of you on here, i really wouldnt care about how many guys she has been with.

i am 20 almost 21 years old...

i have only ever been in one serious relationship and only ever had one sexual partner... recently me and her split up...

and soon as this happened the comments i got were "get out there n have a one night stance" "go out n have some fun"

its becoming the norm for everyone to go out n have sex for fun... its no longer a symbolic action between people who love one an other.

so yeh as i have only been with 1 girl at my age... my next relationship is going to be with someone who is bound to of slept with more people...

and i wouldnt let that bother me in the slightest if i cared about her and wanted to be with her i really wouldnt let it bother me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007):

oh my god, i turn 25 soon and iv only slept with 1 person (still together) but i dont really want to add to that number.

its all a question of quality or quantity...?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007):

The comment by Drew, March 2006 is, so far, the smartest comment on this issue that I have read, and I have read quite a bit. I checked many sites trying to find some resolution to my crisis. This hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much for recognizing the difficulty in dealing with such a situation and thank you for smartly pointing out the differences and the potential drivers for such actions. I have been with my wife for 7 years now. I love everything about her. She is the most amazing person that I know, really. She has made my life better in every way. However that nagging feeling running in the background pops up from time to time, my reaction most often is hate and disgust at her, add to that a feeling of betrayal. No doubt the cause of "mysterious" friction in our relationship. Knowing that she was not out for joy rides helps allot. If she was that would be fine too. However prior to meeting her I made the a decision to stare away from such people. That behavior is not for me. Sorry I Just can't do it.

Thanks.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2007):

I had a drunken one night stand on Saturday night and feel terrible about it. He was my number 7 and I am only 19. I don't want that number to go up.

It makes me sick to the stomach when I think about it but I just want to get it off my chest as I haven't told anyone. I do think, however, if someone loves you for who you are and they want to be with you then it shouldn't be an issue - saying that, I'd be a bit gutted if his number was anywhere over 20!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2006):

I used to really struggle with questions like this, but a friend of mine once told me...if it's an issue with you...then it is an issue. No matter what number of partners someone else says is OK...if it raises a flag to you, then walk away...or it will always bother you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006):

I don't think you can sit here and judge people by how many partners they have had, for instance I am 21 and I have had more than enough, and my girlfriend is 18 and she has had just as many between 25-30, People make decisions to have sex for many reasons, some do it to feel voids, not all of us were raised with loving and caring families, and when your young you will do anything to have that attention. Don't get me wrong sleeping around is still sleeping around, but it is all on intention. Are you sleeping around just to get off, or are you sleeping around cuz you are trying to feel something that is not there, or whatever your reason is, it has to be a case by case basis. It is hard for me to accept that my 18 yr old gf has been with as many as me at such a young age, but I know why she did it, she did it to feel a void, she made mistakes and she knows it now, she got too far ahead of herself. So in response to your question, there cant be a limit if you care enough about someone, no matter how hard it is cuz trust me it can be hard, you just have to look at the fact that you are with them now, and thats all that matters...

-Drew

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A female reader, mystify +, writes (16 February 2006):

mystify agony aunthi

well said anon,

it is the same for men and women....why should it be differant , i mean really, when you take out the fact that in many of todays societys that men like to take hold and say that its alright for them to enjoy sex and sleep around to my hearts content but if any woman of mine did they would be less of a person than me! how could any man put himself up on a pedestal higher than his woman to justify his emotions?! when he has been no holier?!

no amount is too many , more so certain situations are too much , i would happily go out with a guy who slept with 30 women if he spent time with them but i would feel sick at going out with a guy who had slept with 2 women outside a club while pissed with no protection!

for me though i like to keep things even , if i go out with a guy who is 20 (being 26) i am uncomfortable if he has slept with more women than i had men at his age , i see that another reader seems to feel the same, it really depends on the couple and how they view each other....you cant help how you feel

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A male reader, digitallysick +, writes (13 February 2006):

digitallysick agony aunti guess it depends on age, im 24, been with about 12 or 13 women, most were serious relationships, keeping in mind this is since i was 15, for a women, my age, i would say anything over 13 would be shaky. I guess i dont want a chick that has been with way more people than me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2006):

im 18 and have slept with 4 people and i worry that this is to many. if someone asks i always feel that im a bit of a slag, after listening to all of you i think ive got some catching up to do!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2006):

I shall let you into a little secret. There is no such thing as too many sexual partners unless the person concerned feels they have had to many. That is the same for men as for women. Call yourselves *caring* purlease!!!

How can you sit behind your keyboards and actually have such HUGE double standards.

1 or 100 it is up to the individual concerned and nobody has any right to judge.

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A female reader, charlie432 +, writes (9 February 2006):

my ex had told me I was number 99...I wasn't impressed! my current bf isn't sure how many he's slept with, but he knows it's over 50...I've slept with 9 people and I'm 18. and I don't want it to go up anymore! thats my opinion!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2006):

It depends on the women. I think 25 max is what I would find reasonable

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A female reader, lisa_01 Australia +, writes (9 February 2006):

lisa_01 agony auntit really depends on who your telling this too and the type of person he is, like he might be totally ok if you said im 38 and have had over 50 different sexual partners or he might be totally grossed out. i think for someone aged about 38 id say 20 to 25 partners would be a safe answer but anything over may shock him depending on the guy.

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A female reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx United Kingdom +, writes (8 February 2006):

xxxsoulsistaxxx agony auntI don't think it matters whether you are a man or a woman, lots of sexual partners shows immaturity and low moral standards. However we've all been young and stupid and people deserve a second chance.

For example, my ex boyfriend had slept with 2 people before me (we were both 18) and I thought that was a bit low for a guy his age in this day and age but I was obviously happy about it. However, my new boyfriend is 27 and has slept with over 100 girls and this makes me sick. I know he's older but this is just too many, surely! He's never been married and only 5 of these were girlfriends!!! I was shocked when he told me. I knew it was a lot, maybe 50 or something, but over 100? That's just crazy. I suppose only time will tell whether I'll get over this or not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2006):

I recently had a guy friend between 20 and 25 feeling pretty worked up and emotional when his gf of 3 months disclosed she'd had 13 prior partners.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2006):

It should'nt really matter how many partners she has had if you love her, but i would say that over 40 sexual partners might be pushing it for a 38 year old women, but for men ppl would say, that amount is alright for a 20 yr old bloke, so i guess you need to think about how many partners you would expect a 38 yr old man to have had and then thats the number you are looking for, for this 38 yr old woman.

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (8 February 2006):

smeedle agony auntWell done Cochise, finally you got to the point, have you met a woman and she is 38 and has had loads of blokes and you think she may have or still is a bit of a tart ?

Let me tell you, there is in my opinion and it is just that, there is no right or wrong answer and if there was an upper limit maybe I would be described as a "tart" as I have a few notches on my bedpost.

What is not so good is un-protected sex, that is risky for self, current partner and future partners and should be avoided at all costs.

Lots of blokes and girls sleep with lots of people until they find the right one, compatibility does not just happen, we have to experiment to find out what we like.

Some people are lucky and find Mr or Mrs Right very early on in there sexual life, I did not and I like to "try before I buy" !! so there is your answer as long as sex was safe and consentual then there is not a limit.

I may raise my eyebrows at over 30 for a 38 year old as that is telling me she has commitment problems.

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