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How I teach him about sex without him feeling like an idiot?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 March 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 15 March 2018)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

So I started dating one of my guy friends who I have known for 8 years. We're pretty close with each other and getting our feelings out there has only brought us closer.

I am not a virgin but I'm not like really experienced either and he is a virgin. I'm just wondering how I teach him about sex without him feeling like an idiot? To be honest, I don't think the kid has ever climaxed or watched porn before - I was giving him a very low quality hand job and he was loving it but he kept going soft really quickly if I stopped touching his penis (even if it was just for like 30 seconds to touch his balls), but he seemed pretty comfortable being that exposed in front of me (which I find odd because he's very confident around me but confident isn't a word I'd use to describe him in general). He's kind of clueless on how to touch a girl in a pleasuring way but he's not afraid to try. So I'm just wondering how to approach the situation, to not make him feel so inexperienced or embarrassed.

View related questions: hand-job, porn

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States + , writes (15 March 2018):

As a virgin, knowing you for eight years and probably knowing that you are experienced, he is likely very self-conscious and anxious about his inexperience probably showing. Once a guy loses an erection at a time when he thinks his partner will be disappointed by it, he can very easily go into a state of performance anxiety where he is thinking about what's going wrong with him (a quick way to lose and erection) rather than how sexy the moment is.

Communication is obviously one of the most important aspects of sex. As a virgin, he probably doesn't understand how to communicate with you. So, you should take the lead and - in positive statements - tell him what gets you going with statements such as "This feels even better" rather than "that doesn't feel so good." You don't want to freak him out regarding his lack of skills or it will only increase his performance anxiety. Then, when it is his turn, ask him what feels best. Try something such as, "I like touching you here but I get more turned on if I know I'm using the right touch and in the right place." This has the added bonus that sex talk can be a total turn-on by itself.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntInstead of telling him what you DO NOT like... SHOW him what you DO like, WHERE you like to be touches and how fast, how soft/hard etc.

Watching porn doesn't make a guy a better lover. After all most of that is fake, pretend for the camera.

What you have is a "blank canvas" so it's up to the BOTH of you to explore each other's bodies and see what ticks all the right boxes. Maybe start with some mutual massages. you can then point out the places you REALLY like to be touches and show/tell him how.

And you can't MAKE him not feel inexperienced.. because he IS inexperienced and there is NOTHING wrong with that! We ALL have to start somewhere.

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A female reader, louiselistens United Kingdom +, writes (14 March 2018):

Hi anonymous writer,

congratulations on getting to have a relationship with a close friend, relationships that begin as friendships can be very rewarding.

Try not to think of it as teaching him about sex, that mindset puts yourself in a position where you begin to feel superior to the other person, like you are somehow better. Try shifting your mindset towards creating pleasurable experiences that you can both enjoy and learn from each other what you like and how you like it.

Start trying to think of this boy as your equal and someone you can have fun with. Spend the day together. Go out to a movie, eat food, laugh at each others jokes, even go to a bar, whatever you both enjoy. If there's an activity you both really like, say, bowling or paint balling, that would be even better. Spend time together, enjoying each other's company, be relaxed and appreciate each other for the individual traits you admire about each other (e.g one of you has a cute laugh the other adores). After that time spent together in good company, sex should come a little easier.

When the sex happens, should it happen, just relax and do what feels good for you both. Don't be afraid to give constructive feedback either. If he's doing something that doesn't feel good, let him know then redirect him. You can be pretty straight forward about this or you can even make it fun; suggest that you would really like it if he did X or if he tried X you would feel so good.

If you feel uncomfortable talking in these terms, it might just be because its a little strange transferring from being just friends to being lovers and the words might feel a little awkward at first. That will ease with time. You both just need to get through it.

As for the boy having trouble staying hard, he might just be nervous. He's known you for a long time and may have built up this moment in his head for a while. Just stay relaxed and have fun and eventually he will too. Good luck.

Best wishes


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