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How far can Christians go sexually without violating our faith?

Tagged as: Sex, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 July 2010) 10 Answers - (Newest, 20 September 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I'm 17 years old and have been with my bf 6 months. I am a Christian and am unsure how far sexually it is ok to go. He has fingered me and I've given him a handjob but have began to think this is wrong and so my question is, how far, as a Christian, is it ok to go?

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A female reader, Jessica.T Australia +, writes (20 September 2012):

Christians believe that masturbating (which is what fingering and a handkob is classified as , even if it is on a dofferent person) and doing sexual activities for fun (A.K.A doing it for not a means of reproducing) is a sin, therefore you have already gone against the 'beliefs' of the church. My advice is do what your doing if you feel comfortable and enjoy it, if you were that wrapped up into your religion to begin with, you would have understood this before hand as it is a basic teaching.

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A female reader, SirenaBlusera Mexico +, writes (13 July 2010):

SirenaBlusera agony auntI'm not going to judge you because the other aunt is right in saying that no one should do that.

Miamine is totally right. Think about whether Jesus would approve of your actions; that's how I make decisions.

I was raised Southern Baptist and this denimonation tends to be more strict than others. I'm not putting it down! I don't agree with a lot of the stuff I was taught. However, if you have a gut feeling that you're doing something wrong, you probably are. I have had bfs and there have been times when a still, small voice said "this just isn't right." There is nothing wrong with kissing but I think that fingering and handjobs have crossed the line.

If your relationship were a movie, then it should be PG rated. Think about what would be appropriate for a PG movie and that's what I would define as a good boundary.

None of this means you're a bad person! No one has the right to judge. However sometimes we're forced to choose between what's right and what's easy and this is one of those times where you have to be strong and do what's right.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010):

I'm 18, I've been with my christian boyfriend 3 years and we have had sex. We are both christians and as our faith grew we decided it was wrong and by the grace of god somehow managed to stop.

I think alot of people underestimate how hard it is not to crave a sexual relationship when your young and in a relationship.

Pray, draw close to god and you'll know in your heart and your mind whats right and whats not! when you know in your heart and your mind its not. then stop! thats just my advise.

And by the way NOBODY has the right to judge you. xx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010):

You are at the crossroads between what a church says and what its followers do. This gap is particularly large for sexual behaviour and this is is the basis for many criticisms of Christianity.

The traditional Christian view is that sex is for pleasurable procreation within marriage, and sex outside of those circumstances is sin.

Historically, the interpretation of sexualized activity by the church has sometimes been very strict. Passing men and women not lowering their gaze, dancing, kissing, letter writing.

And yet, Puritians practiced "bundling", common-law (de facto) wives were the norm for the masses for most of Christian history, may pole celebrations were often orgies, many Catholics take birth control.

There is also a large amount of hypocrisy -- people asking of others that they do not do themselves. I'd suggest that you are seeing a fair amount of that in this forum.

The non-religious view of sex is that you should say "no" when you feel uncomfortable. Since some of your activities appear to have made you uncomfortable you can always say "no" without needing to resolve your morals and your church's teaching.

If you have done something you regret, there is nothing in the non-religious view obliging you to say "yes" the next time. Say "no" if you want.

If you have done something you regret, the religious view is that private confession offers a way back to god's grace. Christians believe that confession is between you and god; there is no need to tell everyone about your fall from grace.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (10 July 2010):

Danielepew agony auntChristians have an easier time knowing how far they can go without sinning: they can't do anything but kissing and dating. The rest is forbidden, and you know it.

Sorry to say this, but what you're trying to do is stretch the definition of what is right and wrong. Like an attorney. THAT is not right.

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A female reader, karen1989 United Kingdom +, writes (9 July 2010):

karen1989 agony auntyour 16-17 years of age therefore you have hormones honey!

You have to be very strong willed if your gona live the way in which god would approve,follow all the commandments etc.

I'm no christian yet no athiest-lets just say i'm undecided i don't know much about god and his teachings. but I do no that there is to be no sexual activity of any kind before marraige, and thats its interlinked with one of the seven deadly sins:lust.

All i'm going to say is your young and you should be enjoying yourself. i guess it depends really on how commited to your faith you really are. If you wish to continue as an practicing christian then you've already gone to far and you should probably repent. good luck.

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A male reader, Jeff8 Italy +, writes (9 July 2010):

How far can you go? Well I'd say all the way to hell at the rate you are going now.

 The Bible says that the thought of fornication alone is already a sin and I don't think you two bunnies had Ezekiel on your minds when you let your fingers do the walking. Like it or not, you and your boyfriend are bursting with sex drive hormones right now. Whether god or nature or whoever is to thank for that, the inescapable fact is that now you are ripe to breed. In the good old days when the Bible was assembled, people put their faith in the supernatural and lived to be 35 if they were lucky. And as a real christian you would have been married off BEFORE puberty and with a couple of kids by age 17. If you hadn't died giving birth, in which case God's will would have been done. 

Nowadays everybody (christians included) benefits from centuries of scientific discoveries and the 'miracle' of modern medicine, which generations of courageous outsiders from Galileo onwards risked(and often lost) their lives to develop in spite of the tyranny of ignorance imposed by the fathers of the Church. As a result of theses scientists' humble and patient search for answers, you and your boyfriend  can  enjoy a healthy, disease free and sexually active life for at least another 50 years. Which as a Christian leaves you with just two alternatives: 1) get married right NOW and have proper sexual relations with this one  guy wbo you hardly know for the REST of your  life (him on top, no oral, no you on top, no anal, no getting it on outside the bedroom, female orgasm very unadvisable..) Just to be on the safe side,  ask your spiritual advisor for a copy of the world's shortest book: sex positions for the true christian married couple. Enjoy!

2) stop playing with fire IMMEDIATELY and COMPLETELY : keep your hands off youself and your friend. And No masturbating either. That is polluting yourself. Never mind what science warns are the proven damages to our bodies as a result of blocking the flow of natural fluids. And no exceptions no matter how natural it feels. Jesus said if you are lukewarm he will spit you out and there are too many wishywashy christians around already. Be strong, ignore the messages your body is sending you and take lots of cold showers. And ask for God's help because god help you when after ten years of repression you finally choose a life partner (a true christian like yourself i hope with zero experience being intimate with himself or another person)and suddenly you two are supposed to enjoy something that for years before you weren't even supposed to think about. Ask female members of the Islamic faith about the ' joys ' of married life in a society which still represses sexual expression the way real christians used to five hundred years ago.. Let the good times roll! 

Its sort of like being told for years that swimming is bad for you and then being thrown in the ocean with instructions to keep swimming for the rest of your life.   Just pray to God you don't drown... 

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (9 July 2010):

Miamine agony auntYes.. you've already gone to far. If you want to remain without guilt and issues, then you and your boyfriend should spend time outside the house with other christians. Don't be alone with him, because this leads to temptation.

Much depends on what type of christianity you follow. Most will say that your already behaving badly, but they have different penalities, and some focus more on sexuality and sin than others.

The question you need to ask yourself is, "Am I living in a way that my God and Jesus would approve of".

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010):

you don't sound very committed - you want to know what you can do to just "skate by" and still be considered a "good Christian". the truth is, and i think you know it, that ANY kind of sexual activity is just that, SEXUAL ACTIVITY. i can't really give you answer to this, except to think about your own faith and how God would really want you to act in a relationship that brings glory to him.

don't be halfway about it, lukewarm isn't any good.

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A male reader, TimmD United States +, writes (9 July 2010):

TimmD agony auntIf you want to be technical, then you've already gone to far. Sexual intercourse, technically, should be between a husband and wife only and is for reproduction. Catholics believe that while you may not get pregnant every time, you should expect to get pregnant from any session of sexual intercourse and that it's God's will if you get pregnant or not. No birth control, no contraceptives, nothing. Also, no masturbation of any kind... male or female. Those kinds of bodily activities are reserved for sexual intercourse... which again, is only for when you're married.

But as I said, that is the "technical" response. Some variations of Christianity are more relaxed in their rules than others. But again, the technical answer to your question "Is it ok?" is absolutely not.

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