A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do you go about talking to the "other" woman? I am not a exploding/crazy person and I was thinking that I would talk to her calmly but what to say? I don't know how I would start. But I really do want her to know that she's talking to my boyfriend and I don't appreciate it and it hurts me a lot. He has been showing signs where he takes me to my house so tht he can talk to her. She's in the Phillipines and we are here in US. He keeps constant talk with her over AOL AIM or Skype. Seems like they're having a LDR. He won't agree to it, he denies.I don't want to make her mad when I talk to her and I do want her know what is going on. Please any suggestions on what to say would be appreciate it.Thank you. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): If you know for a fact there is something going on with them then DO something positive to sort it out - ofcourse he will deny everything, they always do
SO
1) finish it and leave him to it
or
2) put up with it and accept him as he is.
Don't drive yourself nuts getting swamped with this 'he said she said' obsession... it confuses me, never mind you. (If he works with her - does that mean he is in the Phillipines with her sometimes ?)
Nobody finds it easy to realise their boyfriends a cheat, it hurts badly that they have had a double life. The final choice is yours - how much you will put up with
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, update to this situation :( (this one is way too long, so I think I'll post a second thread on what happened, because he texted me the following days....
I talked to him and asked him to choose between her or me.
He said: "I don't know what you're talking about. I have no relationship with her, we only work together. That is all."
I know for a fact that there's something going on with them. I've been keeping an eye on her to see if what i was thinking was real. She has this AOL lifestream and she writes every single thing that goes on with her and him. Everything that she writes in there matches to what I know of him. Just yesterday, her avatar in AIM was his picture :0. One that I took! It got me so upset and i had to aim her, just calmly.
Since we worked together before, we never spoke but still I aimed her. Didn'tknow how, cause for some reason, i didn't want to make her upset. Why make 2 miserable people, one is enough.
Conversation with GR AIM with MC (aim)
(10:42:58 AM) MC : hi
(10:43:17 AM) GR: hey
(10:43:29 AM) MC : can I ask you a question
(10:43:40 AM) GR: what is it?
(10:43:51 AM) MC : its about your avatar
(10:44:19 AM) GR: oh
(10:44:21 AM) GR: :-)
(10:44:29 AM) MC : its nice
(10:44:41 AM) GR: oh
(10:44:43 AM) MC : is that your boyfriend
(10:44:43 AM) GR: the beach?
(10:45:20 AM) MC : :) no not the beach
(10:46:00 AM) GR: hahhahaa
(10:46:01 AM) GR: oh well
(10:46:07 AM) GR: :-D
(10:46:19 AM) MC : : )
(10:46:22 AM) MC : :)
(10:46:26 AM) MC : he's cute
(10:46:39 AM) MC : that's (his name) right?
(10:47:20 AM) MC : I didn't know
(10:47:49 AM) MC : oh well
(10:47:56 AM) GR: how are u?
(10:48:02 AM) MC : no job :)
(10:48:14 AM) MC : but I will find one i guess
(10:48:32 AM) GR: of course u will...
(10:48:38 AM) GR: are u still in Orlando?
(10:48:42 AM) MC : yes
(10:48:59 AM) MC : i like it here, its nice
Conversation with GR with MC (aim)
(12:09:40 PM) MC : its funny that you wrote this today, it kinda fits how I feel right now
(12:10:01 PM) GR: oh
(12:10:08 PM) GR: why is that?
(12:10:15 PM) GR: problems huh?
(12:10:20 PM) MC : ;)
(12:10:53 PM) MC : well, its about that pic you had on this morning, it caught my attention
(12:10:58 PM) GR: well dont worry in every problem they say there is always a solution to that problem
(12:11:09 PM) MC : yes, you're right
(12:11:20 PM) GR: that pic?
(12:11:32 PM) GR: hmmm why?
(12:11:37 PM) MC : i'm not sure
(12:12:26 PM) GR: i would normally post random thoughts
(12:12:37 PM) MC : yea, i do that sometimes
(12:12:41 PM) GR: well it maybe ur first time to read my posts
(12:13:04 PM) GR: i normally post whatever comes to mind
(12:13:08 PM) MC : yea, i was missing my cordia co-workers and went online
(12:13:18 PM) MC : ;)
(12:13:27 PM) MC : and i saw your pic
(12:13:31 PM) GR: hahaha same here.... not so many are left
(12:13:43 PM) GR: oh abt that pic...
(12:13:44 PM) MC : yeap, they closed the building here
(12:13:45 PM) GR: hmmmmm
(12:14:05 PM) GR: i actually stole that pic hahahahhahahaha
(12:14:13 PM) MC : oh
(12:14:23 PM) MC : just wondering
(12:14:33 PM) MC : i m a little bit confused
(12:14:48 PM) GR: and i am also wondering why did it have that effect on u? sorry abt that
(12:14:55 PM) GR: didnt mean to :-(
(12:15:02 PM) MC : no problem
(12:15:17 PM) MC : but i'm not sure
(12:16:07 PM) GR: u love him?
(12:16:15 PM) MC : :D
(12:16:19 PM) MC : ssshhh
(12:16:22 PM) GR: hahahahaha
(12:16:24 PM) GR: ayeeeeeee
(12:16:49 PM) GR: if u love someone tell them u feel that way
(12:17:12 PM) GR: u ever heard of Jewel's song "Satisfied"?
(12:17:22 PM) MC : lol no
(12:17:29 PM) MC : i'll go look it up
(12:17:35 PM) GR: then u should look it up
(12:17:38 PM) GR: hahaha nice sone
(12:17:41 PM) GR: song
(12:17:47 PM) MC : i will
(12:18:12 PM) GR: the only real pain a heart can ever have is the pain of regret for not letting your feelings show
(12:18:22 PM) MC : :)
(12:18:24 PM) GR: sorrow of regret
(12:18:29 PM) GR: or something hahaha
(12:18:29 PM) MC : you have good sayings
(12:18:34 PM) Grayze Reventon: i forget the correct lines
(12:18:36 PM) MC : I like them
(12:18:52 PM) MC : i sound like you're a nice person :)
(12:20:07 PM) GR: sometimes when i am not having PMS hahahhaa
(12:20:13 PM) MC : hahahahha
(12:20:15 PM) MC : correct
(12:20:18 PM) MC : me too!
(12:23:23 PM) GR: hahaha girls
(12:23:42 PM) MC : yes, i hate it,
(12:27:46 PM) GR: dont want to be a man either hehehe
(12:28:51 PM) MC : hahahaha no
(12:36:14 PM) MC : wow, that's a beautiful song :)
(12:36:23 PM) GR: hahahaha i told u
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 October 2011):
 Yes he is carrying on with both of you.
You know about it but he will deny it.
And he will deny to her that you exist.
I was the local woman to an LDR relationship with my last husband and I was so blinded by love I looked the other way to his lies to me, lies to her, manipulation of both of us and his pathological need for attention from as many women as he could get. He never stopped needing that attention and it was part of the death of our marriage...
she actually got in touch with me one morning... and we talked and I was NOT nice to her. I did not make her feel better... I told her... I will win... (wow what a prize I got... a liar and cheater)...
he was engaged to her... and i told her i Had three things she did not have "location, location, location".... she was so hurt even though she had an idea that i was around...
The truth is the person who is wrong here is HIM. He's probably playing both of you...
contacting her will do what? she won't stop till he stops. and why would he stop? oh yeah cause you are here and she is not... and when he stays with you... did you win? NO because if you are not enough before a marriage you will certainly not be enough after one.....
I know you are not going to listen to me and you will talk to her and force his hand... (again BTDT) so I get that... but think long and hard as to whether or not this is a long term relationship you want to continue.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): yes I would speak with him but also email her and tell her what is going on so that she can be aware of what she is potentially getting involved with.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2011): how about writing an email to her?
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (29 October 2011):
 Everything thinks you should talk to him, but it sounds like you have and he denies it. So, yes, talk to her.
Say to her:
Sorry, but I don't know if you are aware that this guy is my boyfriend, we are in a relationship (tell her how long), and he has been secretly talking to you over the internet. He denies he is doing this, so I guess he feels guilty and knows he is doing something wrong. I just thought you should know that he is not in any way single, and that he is deceiving us both.
Hopefully, she will be so mad with him that she will stop contacting him.
If she doesn't, that is when you leave him. Or give him an ultimatum.
It depends how much you love him, and how bad this is. He will for sure be really mad with you for contacting her, but hey. He's the one being mean.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 October 2011):
 Like the others I'm not sure there is much to be gained by speaking to the other woman. It's not unheard of for a cheating man to convince (a willfully blind) mistress that the angry girlfriend is just an bitter ex.
I think you're giving your boyfriend and this other woman far too much control over your life. YOU should take the initiative and decide whether or not you want to continue to devote yourself to a man who is clearly not devoted to you. He is building the other relationship, not winding down which means he won't give her up easily, if at all.
Never ever compete with another woman over a man. There are just too many decent ones out there to choose from.
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (29 October 2011):
 Hi,I agree with the previous answers. Do not contact her. You have to understand that this is not her fault, and even if she knows about you, it's your boyfriends who you need to blame. So stupid!!!I am not sure how long they know each other, but clearly he's having an affair. You need to talk to your boyfriend calmly, and he needs to make a decision. This is absolutely not acceptable..... Tell him how you feel, and what you want in this relationship. Hopefully, if he agrees with you, you can give this relationship another try, since this woman is miles away, and this affair is not physical. He needs to end all contact with this woman..I hope you can regain his trust, and work things out... I hope you make the right decision... I am sure you deserve more than this... Be strong..Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2011): Even if you did talk to her would it make any difference, shes miles away and you would mean nothing to her. She probably wouldnt even believe you.
If you want to talk to someone, it should be to tell your boyfriend you've had enough and dump him,sooner rather than later, he cant deny what hes doing and if it works out he will probably leave you for her..maybe shes after a passport via a wedding.Who knows.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2011): He's disrespecting you, and you want to talk to HER? Keep the girl out of it, it's not her fault, it's your boyfriend's. Keep in mind that although you may want to know all the juicy details about what's going on between her and your boyfriend, but it may end up hurting you more later on. Keep your dignity, and walk away from this guy who is obviously not caring about your feelings and/or relationship.
Best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 October 2011):
 You should have that conversation with your BF, not her. If you ask me. Talking to her is NOT going to make him/her stop. She might not even know you exist.
As I see it you have two choices:
He's cheating, dump him.
Live with it.
He is not going to stop, specially if he lies about it.
It's up to you how you let others treat you. Is he really worth all this heartache?
...............................
|
