A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So there is this guy that I've known for a little over two years now. We've always been really good friends, and whenever I ever needed someone to talk to or a friend to be with, he was always the first one I'd call. He has always been such a great friend to me, and I don't know what I'd do without him. Well, truth is, he and I have always secretly had feelings for each other, but we would never say anything. We were both aware of our true feelings towards each other, but we would never say anything about it or tell each other directly. Therefore, he dated other girls, i dated other guys, but we still kept in touch. Well, about a month ago, he and I decided, since we were finally both single, to go out on a "friendly" date. It went extremely well, and it ended up being very fun and romantic. I finally confessed that I had feelings for him, and he said he had feelings for me too. That night when we were on the phone, we were talking about us actually dating, and he said he wasn't sure if it was such a good idea because I'm going to school in another state after this year. I assured him that we still had time to make things work, so we agreed we would just stay friends for now and see where things went from there. A few more weeks passed and we went out a lot more, messed around with each other every once in a while, he was pretty romantic, and it just felt like we actually were a couple, but yet we weren't. So last night I finally decided to confront him about it again and I asked him where we stood as of right now. He told me he didn't know. When I asked him what he meant, he simply said, "Well, there is this really crazy girl who is obsessed with me and calls and texts me constantly trying to convince me to date her. If I started dating you, she would get really mad and all her friends would hate me, and not only that she is psycho enough to actually hunt you down and hurt you, and then me (and I believe that because he has shown me the things she sends him and its really obsessive and creepy), and I'm still afraid of getting attached to you and then you leave." I told him I understood but we still have nine months before I go to school to be together and that I'm willing to take the jump if he is, and I pretty much left it at that. I just gave him something to think about, and then I didn't bring up the subject again. Now I'm really confused because I know that we really like each other and we have for over two years, but now that we actually have the chance to be together he isn't taking it because of a crazy psycho girl? It kind of makes me wonder if he is using excuses not to actually be in a relationship with me. I made it clear to him I didn't want a friends with benefits relationship with him, but I'm afraid that is all he wants, and he is trying to use excuses not to date me. I've also made it pretty obvious I'm not forcing anything on him, I just want to know what is happening between us. I really like this guy, and I really think we can make this work, but I just want him to see it that way too. I guess all I need is someone else's point of view on this. Does he actually care about me but is afraid or does he just want a friends with benefits relationship? Thank you for your time!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 October 2011):
 He won't date you because he is afraid of a drama making girl ??? I don't believe it , it sounds like an excuse to me, but in a way, this is a good thing, imagine if it were true, he'd be the biggest wuss ever !
A little more believable is the part about being afraid of getting attached and then you have to leave. That makes more sense, some people d3efinitely would not start something with an expiry date already on.
But, then again, who says that it MUST have an expiry date.... if he were into you, I think he would try, he would RISK getting attached, and then you'd cross that bridge once you have reached there, like so many couples do all the time.
I think that he wants... exactly what he has now and what you let him have. Occasional fun, occasional intimacy, occasional companionship which I am sure he does appreciate beyond the purely physical factor, and yet... not enough to make you his gf.
A
female
reader, Nizbit  +, writes (29 October 2011):
I think he does really like you, but he is a little nervous about jumpinginto things. I think he is sparing your feelings and making up that crazy physo girl excuse. He just wants to have fun with you, you've always been such close friends so maybe he thinks tha it may be awkward if you guy were to date and then break up afterwards. This way you guys are still technicly "friends", so nothing can change between you. It would be pretty hard with him going away to school in nine months, so he probably just doesnt want to get into anything too serious before he has to leave and have the dstance thing mess things up.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 October 2011):
Hi there. He might be protecting himself, because he knows it will be difficult if he pursued a relationship with you once you are living in another state.
LDR's are very lonely and challenging to keep going. For the simple fact that you rely only on text messaging and internet chat sites to keep in touch. And of course, the occasional phone call as well. It's pretty rare that two people in an LDR are able to see each other, because of limited time and the cost of travelling to be together.
So that's what you would be getting yourself in for, and it would be just a matter of time before you became fed up with it and wanted out altogether.
FWB's aren't really a good thing, because there's no real commitment to each other. It's usually a thing of convenience and nothing more. Meeting up for sex and then both go your own separate ways. That's not what you want, surely.
If you did the FWB thing now, it might destroy any chances you ever had, of a future relationship with him - which might last forever!
By all means stay friends if you are happy with that, but just don't have too many expectations for anything more.
Remembering, that in a few short months, you will be moving to another study to further your study. Looking at it in that light, it would hardly seem worth the bother, would it?
No doubt these are almost certainly his precise thoughts about it also.
In the grand scheme of things, if you and him are truly meant to be together in the long run, well then you probably will be. You can't force fate. It will happen when it's meant to, and not one second before that.
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A
male
reader, Stephen Stewart Nixon  +, writes (29 October 2011):
 Hi Anonymous, it is always difficult to tell what someone's intentions are because they often don't know themselves. It sounds to me like this guy doesn't want to get involved with you for whatever reason and he is using this "psycho" person as an excuse. It could be that he is genuinely protecting himself because you are going away. After all the chances of any relationship lasting once you have relocated is slim. That would be true even if you were in love and had a long term relationship. Although it may suit your current circumstances to start a relationship with this guy in the long term at least one of you will be terribly hurt be your move. I suggest you stay friends with him and see what happens once you relocate. I'm sure his actions aren't motivated by anything worse than self preservation. Regardless of how much you like one another the reality is that you will be leaving and he is more than likely protecting himself. Hope this helps. Steve
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (29 October 2011):
 Id say hes trying to let you down in his own sort of way which is being indorect n passive. If he doesnt see the relationship working then he doesnt. You cant make a guy agree with u. Sounds to me like youre not his type personality wise which isnt saying s*** cause hes going after psycho brods. Do not chase this guy pls. Thatd be so typical and dubious. Youre moving and he desires different types of women. So be it. Get ready for .your move and work on maintaining ur current relationships with others.
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