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How do we tell our friend that his girlfriend is cheating without everything blowing up in our faces?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2011) 6 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi. Any advice given on this would be greatly appreciated or anybodys oppinions or view points.

Im in university, have a great group of girls that im close to and i have a wonderful boyfriend that ive been with for a year and a half. However i know something that could change that, and im torn between what the right thing to do is.

A girl that i used to go to college with (also friends with all of my uni friends, really close to two of the girls) has been cheating on her boyfriend frequently since about february. However, her boyfriend, is my boyfriends best friend. They have been close friends for about 12 years. It was through my boyfriend and me that my friend and my boyfriends close friend met.

She told me herself on a night out that her and her ex boyfriend (who was very violent towards her) were texting again, and the girls she is close to, were the girls that she told that they have been meeting up and sleeping together. They obviously told the rest of us, and her ex boyfriend also told one of the girls, basically bragging about how he has her under his thumb.

Her boyfriend is the sweetest boy you will ever meet. She doesnt drive, so he takes her everywhere she needs to go, even picking her and my friends up from being out in club at around 5 in the morning, despite having to be in work at 7. He has bought her an iphone, all her clothes and she even takes his debit card out with us girls. He doesnt deserve this.

Now my prediciment. If i tell my boyfriend to tell him, all of the girls will know its come from me. This girl can be quite abusive, and it will blow my group of friends apart. Probally leaving me with nobody. I have told my boyfriend, and he wants to tell him, but he knows exactly what will happen to me if he does, so he hasnt said anything as of yet. We can't figure out a way to tell him, without blowing everything up in the air. My boyfriend cant just say that shes been cheating on him, without being able to back it up. However, where both desperate to tell him, as we know how much he deserves better and how lovely he is. Its painful sitting back and watching her do this to him. But then, i dont think i could stick being in the same university and on the same course with people that hate me because i broke there trust.

What shall i do? Thankyou for reading.

View related questions: best friend, her ex, text, university, violent

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A female reader, iloveblue Canada +, writes (30 March 2011):

iloveblue agony auntI really can relate to this post as I was once caught in the same dilemma with a friend of mine who was cheating her husband. The good thing is, the husband found out by himself when she failed to burn pics of her holiday with the lover.

Well, all the suggestions from our aunts are good. But for me, I would agree with Capri2's suggestion. You know why, the reality is, it is too difficult to tell your friend and risk losing everyone. It will only create a bigger trouble when not only fidelity is concerned but loyalty to a friend is another matter too. It will be like a big drama I tell you.

Do you know your friend's email? Find a way to give him a hint as to the activities of his gf. Make it simple. To plant the idea that his gf may be cheating will compel him to do the rest of the investigation. You know, once a person has the idea, he will not stop until he proves this to be wrong. And for sure by now, I do believe that your friend has some very little suspicions now. I believe in what they say, where there is smoke there is fire.

Make an anonymous call or email him using a fake account. Well I know this may sound like a crime to do but just at least plant the idea in his mind. And he himself will do the rest.

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A male reader, EasyEK Tanzania - United Republic of +, writes (30 March 2011):

This is really tough one! I would suggest you find a third person who is a close friend or relative of your boyfriend's best friend who also knows this other girl and tell him/her all the necessary details. You could then ask him to tell him about his girlfriend's dirty deeds. You however need to be sure that the bad news can be delivered to him without a disclose of the source(at least for the initial period)

Either way be prepared for a spell of misunderstanding between the two of you and your boyfriend's best.

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A female reader, jonas Singapore +, writes (30 March 2011):

jonas agony auntYou could create a scenario where you know she will be there with some guys and find a chance to make him go there. It seems like he bump into the occasion and see for himself. For instance, you set up a chance encounter by forgetting something and leave it with him then ask him to do you a favour by bringing it over if it's a group thing like she is not mindful about publicly flirting with other guys.

If it was somewhere secretive, I would say, find out from the guy she's flirting with if they are up to something. You need not do it yourself, you could ask a close guy friend to do this favour for you or ask someone who's close to that guy.

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A female reader, largentsgirl89 United States +, writes (30 March 2011):

largentsgirl89 agony auntWow that is a very tough question and I feel your pain, I had to break this type of news to a very close friend of mine.

I suggest sitting your bf's best friend down and both you and your bf tell him together. Tell him that you don't want to hurt him, but because you two believe he is such an amazing person you think he deserves to know the truth. If he doesn't believe you then fine, you at least let him know what was going on. You can at least give him a heads up on what she is doing to him so he can possibly look for the signs himself and make the discovery for himself.

As for your friends, if your friends leave you or are no longer your friends because you chose to tell a good person that someone was treating them in an unjust way, then they obviously aren't very good friends. Someone who tolerates unfaithfulness to me isn't a very good person or friend.

You could not tell this guy, but he will eventually find out and if he finds out that you both knew and didn't tell him, then he will be even more upset and angry than he would if you two were just straight with him and told him upfront.

Good luck to you and I'm sorry to hear that a nice person is having this done to them. It sounds like she is using him as a chauffer and a money bank and doesn't care about his feelings.

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A male reader, Capri2 Argentina +, writes (30 March 2011):

You could arrange for someone outside this group, someone unknown, to call this guy and tell him his girlfriend is cheating.

Of course your friend won't take it for real in the first minute. But I guess that should plant the seed of distrust on him. If this anonymous caller can give him some real detail about what's going on, he will end up finding out what's the truth.

Later, if your friend gets mad at you or your boyfriend you can tell him what really happened and ask him to keep that in secret.

Well, it's not a bullet proof plan, but it could work.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (30 March 2011):

TELLULAH agony auntThis is a very tough question.

The fact is even if you do tell him, he wont thank you. But if you don’t and he finds out that you knew! Again you are in trouble.

I think I would get him to find out himself, by arranging to go somewhere where they will be together and get caught out. That way it’s not you, or your fella’s fault.

If that doesn’t work and you really care about this guy, I think you might have to choose who you care about the most, him or your mates.

I think I would be tempted to keep quite myself, only because as soon as this guy moves on he will forgive you, but as for the other lot I’m not sure.

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