A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my husband and i have started having an open marriage about 4 months ago. i haven't done anything with another man yet and my husband is eager for me to get started. i am too, but i am looking for the right man to be my first. i don't think i have changed in anyway since our decision to be open; i dress the same (top,jeans, flats), i don't dress sexy or come on to guys, i just do my normal daily routine. but over the last two months, there have been a lot of men hitting on me. in the store, in the parking lots, at little league. i accused my husband of setting me up but he didn't do it. how do all these men know that i am sexually available again? how do they know this. i have be given 3 phone numbers this week. this didn't happen before we decided on an open marriage. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): I would be a bit more structured about it rather than just picking random men - stay safe, health wise too - I'm not patronising just that you have taken the security of marriage for granted for a while so it could be easy to go mad! Anyway have you thought about being a swinger. I hope I don't insult by asking its just that this way you and your husband may explore being with other people. I'm sure other groups exist. I would say this.... early on in my marriage my husband made a suggestion that he thought it would be ok if either of us slept with someone else. He said he was turned on by the idea of that. We had both married each other young and to be honest this was simply him saying he wasn't really ready to have settled down. I was the first to sleep with someone else. It wrecked our marriage - nothing could have prepared me for the guilt and sense of 'loss'and sadness that I had thrown away something I actually believed should be faithful and could now never ever get that back. Please be very careful that you know what you are getting into here. Sometimes it can be a sign your marriage is simply stale and either partner wants to have an affair but not have to lie about it - so this is the excuse. What are the motives? It is a time for both of you to be very honest about what marriage means - is it worth continuing in it and for what reasons? Money security the kids (if you have any?) agree the boundaries but remember this.... if your marriage fails over this and you then meet someone else who wants to be completely faithful for the rest of their lives then what would your thoughts be?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): i posted the question. thanks for the answers. i never thought about nonverbal cues. we were talking about swinging, open relationships, hot wife relationships and such long before we married. we have been a couple since junior high. i was 14 the first time we had sex and my husband has been the only one i've been with. we were exclusive through high school and i didn't date when he went in the army. he had sex with some girls in Korea and in Panama. i was pissed off at him. we had agreed to date others while he was away in the service but, i did the dumb girl bit and pined away while he was gone. i now think i had a pity poor, poor me thing going on. i was some what of a drama queen then, but i was just 17 when he went in. i wear my wedding ring and when a guy talks to me i do tell him i am married. i guess my desire is all over my face when i talk to guys huh???? i thought i was being so cool, calm and collected. but when some of these guys talk to me now and i know that i can have sex with who ever i want, i feel like i am melting away between my legs. do you all want me to tell you what happens when i do it?????? there is a handsome Fedex man that flirts with me at the office and i am thinking he is the one. he has already given me his number, it is one of the three i got last week. i really like being able to talk about this...i want to sit down with mom or sis and talk all about it but of course they wouldn't understand. they are just so, so IOWA, if you know what i mean. i think i will do this soon...we have it worked out. i feel safer to do it at home right after work. my husband will pick the kids up after school instead of me and take them to their ball practice. he will stay for the practice and i will call him when we are done. practice gets over at six so that gives me two good hours. see, we got this all worked out. i hope i won't be too nervous or stupid acting. wish me luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Just out of curiosity, why an open marriage? Why not just find a partner you'd rather be with?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 I'm with the others who have said that women act in a way that lets you see they are available. That is the absolute truth. That is how other men have known you're available. They don't know about the open marriage; they know you're looking.
Sometimes we need to read between the lines. You may have come to the decision of having an open marriage out of your free will. Or, it might hide something. If that is the case, let us know.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (28 July 2008):
 There's an old song that says "a woman wears a certain look when she is on the move, and a man can always tell what's on her mind."
Whether you're aware of it or not, you are giving off subtle cues that you are no longer "off limits" the way you were a few months ago. If guys are sensitive, and looking, they can pick up on these cues. The more aggressive of these will act on the information. In fact, you're probably giving these signals off more strongly than a single woman in your place might, because you are approaching a new adventure in your life.
And by the way, I do hope that you and your husband have very carefully explored all of your feelings toward polyamory. If you are not both sincerely "OK" with it, getting into such situations can wreak terrible havoc in a marriage.
If there is a local poly support group in your area, I would urge you to join it and participate. These are usually not places to meet prospective partners, but are folks who are sincerely interested in helping others with the ups and downs of the poly lifestyle. There are also books that can be helpful. If you'd like more information on these, send me a private message and I'll be glad to give you a couple of recommendations.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (28 July 2008):
 Hell if I know, but Angela.B is correct. Women give off "signals" that some guys pickup right away, but for much of my life I was a minute or more too late to realize that an invitation had happened. Thus I estimate many missed opportunities, except with the many over the decades who pressed the issue. Oh well, somehow some guys either interpret such signals instantly, or they simply hit on every female in sight with whom they are attracted. It's somehow funny to me that I occasionally recall some of the times that I realized many missed opportunities minutes to hours after they happened. Duh !
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (28 July 2008):
Like the others, I don't know how they would know. But could I just strongly caution the whole "open marriage" deal. My aunt and her husband had an open marriage and they are no longer married and he ended up giving her the nice gift of herpes. Just be careful. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): It's impossible for us to answer your question. We don't know how these men know. Common sense says if you and your husband are the only two that know this and you haven't actively been seeking men nor telling anyone, perhaps, you should be talking to your husband more on this. Is it also possible that you are not wearing a wedding ring anymore? Are you flirting a bit more--giving out signals? We simply cannot say.
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A
female
reader, Angela.B  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 A huge part of communication is non-verbal and subconscious.
Things like your body language will have changed, and it will be signals like that which you aren't even aware of that will be hinting to these men that you are available and approachable.
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