A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 30 a year old male and in a relationship with a wonderful attractive 25 year old female who adores me and I adore her.I've always had jealousy issues with ex's liking other people/celebrities and I've never managed to get rid of it.My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for 2 months and it's going really well and we are so into each other, I trust her completely but I get really jealous feelings if I know that there is someone about that she finds attractive, even on TV. Sometimes she won't make a sound I just know they are her type or she might comment on the fact that they are attractive, not in a hurtful way but it hurts anyway.I really don't want to feel like this I hate it, I know it's perfectly normal for her to find other people attractive.We've spoken about this problem of mine and she kindly suggests to sort of "hide it" in a round about sort of way. I love the fact that she's willing to help me but I don't want her to change at all, it's my problem and I want to rid myself of it.If anyone has any advice or suggestions I'd really like to hear them.
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female
reader, wendy23  +, writes (14 August 2007):
 Hi, I'm a 23 year old woman and I've been married to the man of my dreams for 2 years now, he has the same promblem you have, he is very jealous, even though he trust me and he knows that I would never cheat on him he can't help to be that way, If I where you I would try to take it slow at frist you know sit down with her and go through some magazines and you pick out what woman you think is pretty, and see what her reaction is, even though it is a celebrity and you will never meet them start there then you will see where she stands and maybe you can see that she understands that it is a natural thing to find someone else pretty, that's how you fought her right, you where attractived to her right, just take it slow, she is with you becuse she loves you and wants to be with you and only you, Hope this helps, Wendy A.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (14 August 2007):
 You definitely have low self esteem. Why is this? You have a lovely girlfriend who obviously loves you to bits! Deep down I think you fear of losing her to someone "better looking" but hey, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What or who you consider as good looking doesn't necessarily mean someone else will. Beauty comes from the inside out, the looks (the cover) is only superficial. You're woman obviously finds you good looking and sexy inside AND out so relish in this fact. TELL YOURSELF she's lucky to have you. Talk to yourself in the mirror when you're alone and tell yourself what positive points you have. Remember too, although your self esteem is low and you might not feel good about certain aspects of yourself or you feel nervous about certain things NO ONE ELSE KNOWS... no one can see what you feel inside so remember that! When you're out and see a guy you consider as "good looking", that doesn't necessarily mean he has no hang ups. There will be things that make HIM nervous and unsure of himself too, you just can't see that from the outside.
I bet people look at you and think "Wow, I wish I was like him" so don't put yourself down here. Be proud of who you are and tell yourself your girlfriend is lucky to have you (and you her of course).
Now a little about JEALOUSY... Feelings such as jealousy are based on fear and do not come from love at all, we say we feel like this BECAUSE we love the person but this isn't the case at all. Jealousy comes from wanting to possess and wanting to own or have. One cannot own another being or even the mind of another being. One being cannot live for another. Remember that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear immobilizes and makes it virtually impossible for people to think effectively because it bypasses the pre frontal cortex and goes directly to your right brain emotional center and is thus not even analyzed first!
Feelings such as guilt and worry are in the same category. See what benefits you could possibly derive from sitting in your favourite chair and contemplating as well as experiencing these feelings of jealousy intensely for a few hours? None of course because they do not deliver any benefit other than getting you into an even greater state of fear. So you see, that JEALOUSY, guilt, fear and worry all belong in the trash bin because they do not deliver any benefit whatsoever. Love on the other hand will get you to understand and be less fearful. This in turn will make it possible for you to experience joy and bliss.
Remember always: You have a mind, your feelings come from your mind therefore YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS. In other words, YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future. And you become what you THINK. Be careful because the universe will deliver that which you THINK!
Eve ;o)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo eyeswideopen:I'd have to say yes to all of them although I won't not watch a film because it's got a certain person in it but the thought will go through my head and concern me.I would say that I do have poor self-esteem.
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A
male
reader, Zim +, writes (14 August 2007):
 The fact that you are prepared to not let yourself do it, is something you should be proud of. Not many men do that these days. Very commendable.However, if that's her initial reaction when looking at someone, then unfortunately you cannot change that. That's an unconscious reaction and one which we all do when we look at someone. Part of being human really. Regardless of our values and beliefs, every time we look at someone, we appraise them. You probably do it too, when you aren't concentrating. It's certainly nothing to feel bad about, but now i'm pretty certain that you've got nothing to fear. What she's doing is a natural thing and everyone does it. I know that saying or indeed writing down words won't make that jealousy immediately disappear but I hope I have set you on the right path. The best of best luck to you, and I cannot wish more luck than that.:-)ZIM
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 August 2007):
 Jealousy usually stems from poor self-esteem or a feeling of being out of control. Are you a guy who likes to be totally in control of a situation? Do you feel threatened by other guys who are better looking than you? Do you purposely avoid watching movies with her with say Brad Pitt in them?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe hasn't ever said someone she's seen at work or anywhere is handsome in real life it was just part of an example. She might react to an attractive man when we are watching a film by smiling or raising her eye brows and it can feel like she's doing it to wind me up but insists she isn't, it's just her initial reaction to seeing someone who she's finds attractive. I personally will go out of my way to not do similar because I don't like how it feels towards myself.I'll try your techniques and see how I go, it makes me wonder if there's not something else there in the back of my mind that makes me feel this way.Thanks for your help.
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A
male
reader, Zim +, writes (12 August 2007):
Hmm, okay. How often does she say that someone she sees at work is handsome?
Doing the "mental slap in the face" technique is good, but as you say it obviously isn't working as much as I had hoped. When you feel these pangs you say you feel stressed and feel a "heavy" feeling in your stomach (something similar to butterflies in your stomach?) This is most probably a stress feeling that is preventing your common sense from holding any sway in your thoughts. As soon as safety as you perceive it is threatened, you become concerned and upset and angry. A whole range of emotions. This stress will prevent you from being in command of your own thoughts and thus letting your mind perceive the worst.
The key is to calm yourself. A way to do this is to sit back, close your eyes and breath in and out slowly. However, imagine the air you're breathing in is composed of cool colours (such as blue and green) and the air you are breathing out is composed of red. As you do this imagine all of your stress as a tangible thing that is being blown out of you. In combination with this, when you breathe out imagine you are breathing out of your toes. That one sounds particularly weird but it does work. This will make you feel calmer.
Another thing is, a woman wouldn't say that a guy is handsome to her boyfriend's face unless she was completely comfortable and happy in her current relationship (i.e. with you) or wanted to provoke you (something which is highly unlikely in this case according to what you have told me. Very much so.) Woman care just as much that you care for them as the other way around. The fact that she's into you as much as you are into her is an amazing situation to be in. I wouldn't worry about the instances when she tells you about when a guy tried to chat her up. It is just her being honest with you and not trying to hide anything. This is a very important aspect of a relationship.
I hope that helps.
ZIM
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'll type this again logged in so it's obvious it's me talking back
Thanks for advice.
I'm not totally sure the feelings of jealousy necessarily relate to actually losing her.
Today my girlfriend was asked out by another guy who came into her shop, he was chatting her up etc. She told me about this like she has once before when someone else was trying to chat her up, if I'm honest I don't 'like' it but it doesn't really bother me either.
If she mentioned that a guy came into her work and said he was good looking that would bother me, if she thought someone on TV was attractive (like everyone does) that would give the horrible gut feeling I get.
As for the mental slap in the face, I'm already repeatedly giving myself a good kicking whilst I'm feeling this way but it won't go because of it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): Thanks for advice.
I'm not totally sure the feelings of jealousy necessarily relate to actually losing her.
Today my girlfriend was asked out by another guy who came into her shop, he was chatting her up etc. She told me about this like she has once before when someone else was trying to chat her up, if I'm honest I don't 'like' it but it doesn't really bother me either.
If she mentioned that a guy came into her work and said he was good looking that would bother me, if she thought someone on TV was attractive (like everyone does) that would give the horrible gut feeling I get.
As for the mental slap in the face, I'm already repeatedly giving myself a good kicking whilst I'm feeling this way but it won't go because of it.
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A
male
reader, Zim +, writes (11 August 2007):
Hi there,
I understand completely where you are coming from. When you find someone absolutely incredible you become very protective of them. It is natural after all and is part of our psyche. You find it amazing that they are with you and you are scared of anything at all that might change that. However, this is a problem that is shared by many men around the the world. You aren't the only one so don't worry, and yes, there is a "fix" for it, though it will require a lot of work on your part.
The first thing to remember is, she chose to go out with you. Not all these other people she apparently finds attractive, only you.
Secondly, she is trying to help you with this. Not many girlfriends would be so understanding and help their boyfriend through a situation like this. This shows great loyalty and feelings towards you.
Third, people may "look" attractive, but in reality are not. We all look at other people at some point and think "wow, she looks good" but we know that our girlfriends are for us. No one else can compare to them. She thinks of you in the same way. She adores you because of how you look and how you are inside. Other "people" cannot contend with that.
A good way of helping yourself to stop having these feelings, is to give yourself a mental slap in the face whenever one of these jealousy pangs takes over you. It may sound weird, but it works. Force yourself to think such feelings are silly and slowly they will fade away.
I hope that helps. Let us know how it goes. Good luck!
ZIM
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