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How do I get through to an uncaring boyfriend?

Tagged as: Cheating, Faded love, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 July 2010) 9 Answers - (Newest, 8 February 2011)
A female Australia age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I have been with my boy almost 3 years now. In the beginning everything was amazing, i fell deeply in love with him and we couldn't take our hands off each other. At the time we both felt like we had truly found the one.

After probably 18 months things started going downhill...don't get me wrong i knew this was bound to happen, so when we stopped doing anything special, stopped recieving any nice msgs...i believed him when he said this is just what happens in a relationship.

The only problem is...it gets worse. More and more fights, he went behind my back and got naked and spooned a female friend at the very start of the relationship, yet lied and kept changing his story for 1.5 years, yelling at me everytime i learnt more and needed time to get over it. It has gotten to the point where he never shows any affection, never replies to texts...i sent him a random one saying i love you and got nothing. My inbox used to always have nice msgs from him, now it is completely empty of them. Sex has slowly stopped, the fights have increased to almost non-stop and have been going on for a year or two now....i am constantly trying to come up with new solutions to 'fix' us and everything i suggest, he says its all me and he cant be bothered...i ask him to think of something then and he gave it one second, said i dunno and turned back to his computer game.

Now phone calls are spent him barely ever replying he just sits in silence, he belittles me all the time and makes me cry for things i dont mean do wrong at all. He is sarcastic, i cant commnicate with him because he says im just complaining and he doesnt want to listen. I got to the point of suggesting couples therapy and he said no....he would never waste money doing that! Nice huh...

I know he treats me so badly but i am too scared to loose him, he is my everything, i dont have many friends left and i dont think i could live without him. I really dont know what to do...I care for him so much.

He wont offer to help, he doesnt respect me, he never listens or tries anything, he only ever wants to see me on weekends, hes never there for me when i need him, he says he only calls me because he feels like he has to, i seriously could write a novel on problems but i think i gave a summary of everything.

How do you get through to a guy that barely notices you and doesn't respect you. Ive tried distancing myself and he doesn't notice. He doesn't plan anything anymore, its always (i mean always) up to me and when i suggest that it would be nice for him to put a little more effort in, he gets angry and says"what do you expect from me". He thinks he is perfect and i am always to blame (even when he is 100% in the wrong). He said he wanted to wait 10 years before moving in together, opting to live with randoms instead. I always help him, offer him support and unconditional love, i stopped him from drugs and pushed him into uni (still having to step in with his assignments when i know he wont pass)..yes thats how much i love him..i help him with his assignments for him and he still has the nerve to say he expects it etc....

Its tearing me apart,he says he wants a break to see what its like with other people, he is very untrustworthy and acts shady, barely shows any sign that he cares or shows respect yet i still love him madly and want to make him be nice...he finds it easier to yell at me for everything and anything these days than be nice. It hurts, i want the nice guy i know in him back. I want a friend in him.

I tell him im over it and want him to make his mind up...he is very blunt and says "i still want to be with you"..but i dont believe him. I literally have never gone behind his back about anything, never tried to hurt him, i have given him ample space he needs weekly though it hurts, i have pushed him in life, supported him, even stayed with him when he begged me to after i learnt of his unfaithfulness. I even booked us a nice weekend away on the coast and spent most of the time being yelled at...one for not wanting to go clubbing and wanting to have a relaxing wknd instead (then he says he will go out by himself), then yells at me for making the weekend to try and 'fix us'. He always promises to change, never does. He thinks he can sit on his arse playing video games and everything will magically fix itself...Im out of ideas, i am always so hopefull he will wake up one day and realise but im starting to think this isnt the case. He used to be a player...i think the novelty of being in a relationship has worn off and he misses that lifestle. Im sorry this is so long but i am seriously torn apart :(

Please help.

View related questions: a break, clubbing, drugs, I love you, money, player, text, video games

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A female reader, SUMMERIAN United States +, writes (8 February 2011):

Seriously I think that us women have a very serious issue that most of us don't know how to deal with and that's caring about our partners more than we care about ourselves...its quite sad but we do it over and over again and again wit the same results: us being unhappy:-(...I think I have a solution for it ...take a real long look in the mirror and ask urself "what is it that really makes me happy and makes me feel warm inside"? Start with that and find that true meaning of happiness because without it well never be able to truly accept ourselves or anyone else. Or u could also kik the loser 2 the curb that treats u like ur a piece of dust on an old antique furniture piece! Seriously though get with a positive person and be the same way w them as well .....good luck andhope this helped

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010):

my god woman you have no self respect i am sorry to be so blunt but thats just it move on why are you even waiting around for this douche bag i know you probably might not see how twisted your relationship is but trust me i am judging objectively not subjective to any feeling that are unfortunently blinding you from the truth. And okay if you want to be with him oh please oh please stop being a door mat no man wants that in his woman they are fun to play around with but long term relationship won't work with the woman as the door mat every men likes a challange and sadly your playing easy to get.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010):

Honey, everything means just that EVERYTHING and it doesn't just cover the two examples you gave in your last response to me. When a woman makes a guy her everything, she is setting upself up for her heart to be broken and her feelings to be hurt.

You did way to much for the guy..esp. since he wasn't giving no where near the fraction that you were towards the relationship. You gave up too much way to soon in the relationship and HE KNOWS THIS AND he also realizes that he has a 100% hold on you because, you care more about making the relationship work than he does...why else does he need a "break?"

Stop catering to this grown man and let him stand on his own two damn feet. What happened to chilvary? What happened to a man catering to a woman? We as women do too much and give too much of ourselves...this is one of the reasons why I have never cared to much for having extream. emotions in romantic relationships...I try to avoid relationships as much as possible anyways....I have had my heart broken before it was one of the worst emotional exp. I have ever had to endure. I have never been one for relationships anyways, b/c I also thought that if I loved the guy...that should be enough and there was no need for a "title." The only reason I would marry is for religious purposed ONLY..nothing more. I don't have to have a relationship or marriage to prove I love someone because, those emotions should be present anyways.......that is just my little rant...lol..lol so forgive me for getting off topic...lol...lol.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Zayla80, i just want you to know that i am far from needy. I have had a very needy boyfriend in the past and it was a horrible experience. When i say he is my everything, i mean i love him and dont want to go out to get attention from other guys. He is still the only guy i could ever imagine being with. Of course we spent most of our time together in the beginning, that happens with every couple. We talk on the phone about 2 nights a week, and see each other 2 times a week. The rest of the time we focus on other parts of our lives, dont even talk!!! the problem is just that it is always up to me to organise, plan, do everything when we are together because he never seems interested! He has forgotton two of our anniversaries, heck, i even got in trouble for sitting at the back of a bus thinking there was more room for him to put his travel bag...i got abused for that :S

I have done nothing but be kind and generous to him, yes i should stop mothering him and i will...i am just starting to wonder what things will look like in the future as well.

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A female reader, RAVEMORE France +, writes (28 July 2010):

Zayla80 said it all: Don't reward a man for bad behavior. And yes, the books she suggested are a great read for a woman like you who has become co-dependent.

I can only imagine how hurt you are. I think we can all relate to being madly crazy in love and unable to stop the very behavior that has spoiled our relationship.However, stop you must.Stop everything you are doing for him.

From what you wrote, he shows no consideration for you. He is using you. Stop helping him with homework.Stop doing anything to make his life better. Show total indifference towards him.

Go out on your own. Dress like a million bucks and go out. No matter if you don't feel like it or have no friends. Make it known that you're out and about. Get noticed by other guys.Get male attention other than his.

You will lose this guy if you keep on doing everything for him, and more importantly you will lose self-respect. You are giving yourself the message you are not good enough and you must do things for someone to love you. This message will likely follow you in your next relationship. Don't establish a pattern of desperation in your love life. Stop the vicious circle now.

I am very suspicious of men with a past as players.

Lastly, imagine if you gave all this love and care to another person that would appreciate it and in return treat you as a queen...Wouldn't that effort be better spent on someone else?

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A female reader, lady662 United States +, writes (28 July 2010):

I have been where you are at. Maybe still am in some ways. I am 45 years old and still depend on a man to make me feel worth while. Lately I have talked to several woman my age. They tell me you have to love yourself. You can not put everything into a man. You only get hurt. I believe that. I am trying to get involved with others things to keep my mind from drewling on him all the time. Get out and do something you enjoy.

I do not have many friends that I assocate with outside work. But I am trying to do things I enjoy. And I try not to nag him about anything. I am learning to try to have respect for myself. And that encludes not letting things he says bring me down. Oh ya, sometimes it does but I get right back on track the next day. I can not give up on me. Good luck.

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A female reader, Janice25 Aruba +, writes (27 July 2010):

Janice25 agony auntJust leave him,get over him.He clearly does not know what he wants.stop suffering for someone like that.

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A female reader, Practical  +, writes (27 July 2010):

Practical agony auntOnly you can help yourself .. YOU are NOT his mother to feel obligated to fix him !!!

You've been with him for 3 years and only 18 months of that time is good?!

COME ON .. You are too young to handle this kind of problems .. to hell with him .. leave him without hesitation ..

It will be hard but at least u will respect yourself for doing it .. You will get over him ..with or without professional help ..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010):

You went wrong when you made this guy "your everything" s, naturally, you don't want to lose him. If you ask me, you do way to much for this grown man..probably more so than his own mother at this age. Just because, you love a person doesn't mean you have to cater to they're every need or want. Your bf doesn't need a second mother in his life--STOP DOING EVERYTHING FOR HIM. It's obvious he doesn't appreciate your efforts; let him lift a "helping" hand.

This guy knows that he has a 100% hold on you...he pushes away, you want to get closer, you nag, complain and vent, he doesn't listen, you want the relationship, he doesn't. And the list goes on and on. Basically, this guy sees you as a doormat...someone he can use, abuse, leave and return too and the sad part about all of this is that YOU HAVE ALLOWED IT. Your boyfriend was never the "nice" guy you claimed he was...here it is..3 years into the relationship and he started acting up around the 18th months--which is about how long it takes (give or take) to really get to know a person. At 18 months, most people are still in that "honeymoon" stage. I think what may have happened based on what you have written is that once you "fell in love" with the guy, you became needy...VERY NEEDY as you made him your "everything." You probably wanted to spend every waking moment with the guy, you probably wanted to talk several times a day, everyday, you probably wanted to know where he was and how he was doing. All of this "love and attention" from you probably proved to be too much for your boyfriend and he started to pull away because, after all, MEN PREFER THE CHASE and they want a woman who shows she loves and cares about me, but NOT make him HER EVERYTHING in life. The guy wants his woman to have her OWN life--she should be doing actitives outside the relationship that doesn't always include him. You didn't behave in that manner and when your boyfriend started to pull away, that is when you went into "nice girl" mode and starting working triple time in an effort to make things "work" between the two of you. You put so much work into this relationship that now it has driven your boyfriend to wanting to take a break and see what else is "out there." What else did you expect?

I am not saying that the way things turned out is soley your fault as you are probably new to relationships and dating, in addition, there is a certain way a woman should carry herself while dating and during a relationship. In a way you pursued your boyfriend instead of allowing him to pursue and chase YOU. I sugg. you read this book my Sherry Argov called "Why Men Love Bitches," and "Why Men Marry Bitches." These are two great self help relationship books and I think they may prove useful to you.

What I also sugg. is that if your boyfriend wishes to take a break from the relationship...you can't stop him, so let him do what he feels is best for him. He probably feels trapped--now I know most people would say "well if he loves her he wouldnt feel trapped" but that just isn't true in all cases. I know women who feel "trapped" at times in motherhood, but does that mean they don't love they're children? NO! It's just that men don't respond to words most of the time...they respond to NO CONTACT. They respond to a woman who is distant with him when he acts up. DON'T EVER reward a man for bad behavior...NEVER EVER, or you will live to regret it. It only gives him the notion that he can disrespect you anyway he likes and still be able to get a "cookie from the cookie jar."

Just stop it with all the nagging, complaining, whinning, explaining, putting so much effort into the relationship, asking questions about the relationship, asking about how your bf feels and so forth and so on. I know it will be hard because, you are in love with him, and you have an unhealthy attachment towards him.

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