A  ,
*aloney
writes:I've been in a 12 year relationship with my boyfriend. We never married. I'm 36 years old now and we don't have kids etc.We have had loads of ups and downs and yes I'm ashamed to say he's been violent in the past.I have little money etc, but he's agreed to pay me off if I go.I'm educated and will be able to find work, only thing is I'm terrified to move out and go it alone.I have met another guy, nothing has happened at all, we have that spark. I'm extremely attracted to him and I know he's attracted to me. ( woman's intuition and all that) by the way my boyfriend keeps telling me this guy likes me!My question is how do I get the strength to leave? Feel that this guy could make me happy. Happy for a while if anything. I just feel terrible for leaving my current boyfriend. Has anyone else been through this.Thankyou
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 No you don't sound pathetic at all. Believe it or not you are stronger than a lot of people. You have had the strength to go through an abusive childhood, you have grown up witnessing violence, so you have been taught from a young age that it is okay to accept this. However you know now yourself that it is time to get out. I hope you can find the strength you need to go it alone. There is help out there if you need it.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (17 February 2016):
 I have been in a physically abusive relationship and if you have the means to get a job and get out then DO IT! You say you are afraid to go it alone, but you should be more afraid of what might happen to you if you STAY. Please think about what could happen in the future. Get out! I walked away from a marriage with only clothes and an 18 month old daughter and I was only 21. If I can do it honey..so can you.
You should be much more afraid to stay, then to go.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (16 February 2016):
 Maloney,
Your question worries me. It is the unsaid but strongly indicated part that worries me the most. There have been some problems in your relationship, but you haven't left. You could be working and self supporting but you aren't. Why? But more importantly, Why are you more willing now?
I think it is because there is another man to go to. Yes, that is what it has taken you to shake free of the oppressive and sometimes dangerous relationship you are in. A ready safety net.
Here is some advice that you might not like. First get a job. Second negotiate the separation from a position of strength. Go it alone for a year. Get used to standing on your own 2 feet. Prove to yourself that you are strong enough to deserve whatever it is you want most. Buy yourself a present.
Then when you are strong and independent find the right man to fill your life. Not just the convenient one. Then you won't settle.
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A
female
reader, tasha27  +, writes (16 February 2016):
If anything, I don't know whether you want to have kids but it doesn't sound like this is the kind of relationship in which to raise them and if you haven't had any yet after 12 years...this guy is going to waste the rest of your fertile years-why let this man deprive you of the chance to have kids if you want them and if not why let him waste any more of your time anyway? If you leave you can have, at the very least, money and an exciting fling-maybe there will be a future with the new guy but it definitely doesn't sound like there is with your current man,I'd go for it
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A
reader, maloney +, writes (16 February 2016):
maloney is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for both replies they are both correct.
I'm not ready to jump into another relationship and understand I have to leave. I had a very violent upbringing and my parents were violent to each other.
I know that this has messed me up, and I know that I can go alone.
There's more stuff that's gone on, I've sacrificed my best years and think would another man want me? I've prob left it so late to have children etc.
Another thing is I'm caving a normal relationship I'.e passion and intimacy.
It's been a good few yeas where I've lived a single life( if you know what I mean). As for him he must of got his needs met else where etc.
I must sound sooo God damn pathetic! Thankyou for getting back to me.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (16 February 2016):
What is it you are scared about? This is an abusive relationship, one where you are not wanted, so why do you not want to leave? What is keeping you there?
I do understand 12 years is a long time, and off course you have forgave him for things in the past that you shouldn't have. The moment he was violent to you, you should have up and left. It seems you are a weak person around this man, and this makes me so sad when I hear this from a woman.
He is willing to give you money to leave, that is how little he thinks off you, how little he cares. This might be the kindest thing he will ever do for you though. You take that money and you find a new place to stay. Somewhere that will make you happy. I can sense you are afraid of being alone. Which is natural enough after all this time. But independence will grow. Find a job, new friends, get a social life. I bet you will be much happier than you are now.
It is great to hear you have a spark with someone else. This is a healthy distraction. But you should not leave for him, you should leave for yourself. Concentrate on getting yourself happy first. You should be happy on your own before you think off getting in to another relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 February 2016):
 Please look at your question: ".... how do I get the strength to leave?" and turn it around to:
How dumb would I have to be to stay???? That should set the record straight....
Good luck...
P.S. You don't have to have even ONE second thought about "... I just feel terrible for leaving my current boyfriend." He isn't worth your feeling terrible about him....
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