A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I just turned 30 and I'm still hurting from anger at my parents, and I'll always struggle with that anger. In my heart of hearts, I feel certain that they didn't want me and that they don't love me. I don't want to have to bear their surname anymore. It's humiliating to have to address myself by the same surname as the parents that didn't want me and that caused me a great deal of pain and suffering and didn't care about my feelings. Even though what they did wasn't abuse, I'm still struggling with anger over it and it makes me sick that they saw me suffering and nothing was done about it. When I was a teenager, my parents made a terrible decision and it was very traumatic for me, and they didn't take into account how it would affect me. They decided to move from Florida to North Carolina when I was 15, but that's not what I'm upset about, per se. I'm upset because they didn't take into consideration how it would affect me. Furthermore, they told me a series of lies about how wonderful North Carolina was going to be and they made a series of promises and broke every single one of them. They set me up for a terrible disappointment, and I was crushed. I'd wanted a horse ever since I was a little girl... I don't just mean a whim. I mean I loved horses with my whole heart and wanted one desperately. My mom PROMISED me that when we moved to North Carolina, that she was going to arrange for me to have riding lessons. Imagine what that meant to me, a child who had loved horses more than anything in the world since infancy. Imagine my disappointment when we moved here, and it was a nasty shock. Not only did my parents break every single promise that they made me, but I had a REALLY rough time adjusting to the culture and I became VERY depressed because I went to a rough school, and what did my parents do about it? Absolutely nothing? They dumped me in a big public school where I was nothing more than a number and the other students were stuck up little North Carolina snobs, and I became extremely depressed. In Florida, I had friends and I had teachers that cared a lot about me, that knew me and recognized and nurtured my talents. In Florida I played guitar in a band and my jazz guitar teacher had chosen me to play lead guitar in our school band, and he was going to recommend me for Berklee college of music. I'd found a place and all my dreams were starting to come true. When we moved to North Carolina, I was torn away from all that. I got dumped in a crappy public school that was more like a prison. The difference in the schools was a huge culture shock. It was a shock to be treated like a child and have uncaring teachers, and in Florida we had so much more freedom and independence. I tried to make friends but all the other students were hateful, stuck up little snobs. I was really depressed and I would come home and cry my heart to bits every day. My parents did absolutely NOTHING about this. I was crushed because my parents KNEW how much I loved horses, and they promised me riding lessons, and got me all excited, and then they broke their promise. Imagine my disappointment when I was promised something I'd dreamt of, and longed for, and then the big treat was being dumped in a grotty public school. My entire life was like a prison sentence: I'd go to the crappy school all day, and come home and sit alone in our little house all night. I had no activities, no friends, no extracurriculars, nothing. My parents even got rid of our dog that had been our family pet since I was small. In Florida, we owned a house, but our first year in North Carolina, we rented this crappy little cottage from this ignorant bitch who said that we had to get rid of our dog because she was on a list of "blacklisted" breeds. Our dog looked ferocious (a large black dog that resembled a wolf, but she did NOT have any wolf in her. She was 100% dog) but she had been my childhood pet and she was NOT MEAN. She used to bite when she was a puppy and teething, like ANY puppy, but she wasn't a vicious dog. She was just a breed that our bitch landlady didn't like, because she was an ignorant moron. She would never had gotten loose and mauled a child or anything. First of all, she didn't know what the fuck she was talking about, because NO dog is BORN mean. The idiots who abuse them MAKE them mean. Second, she didn't have any right to tell us what animal we could and couldn't have becaues we were paying for the house. I remember telling the woman that "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about," and my parents punished me for being disrespectful. Why should I have to respect adults? They didn't respect me. We eventually got another dog, a big German Shepherd, and I love her more than life and I would do anything for her. I would die for her. It was disrespectful of my parents to lie to me about the riding lessons. They knew how much horses meant to me. They didn't think my feelings were important, or they wouldn't have done this to me. They didn't think I was important enough to be able to trust them. When they lied to me, they lost my trust. When my parents decided to move, they cheated me out of my dream of becoming a musician. I would give anything to have music in my life, but now it's too late and my dream will never come true, and it's all because my parents ruined it for me. Anyway, I want to change my surname I don't want to be tied down to my parents' last name anymore. What they did was cruel. They cheated me out of my dreams and got me excited by promising me things that meant a lot to me and then, I was crushed because I lost their trust and because I became depressed and they didn't care. I don't understand it: My parents didn't HAVE to bring me into the world. But they did, and now I have to go through life knowing I was unwanted. It's humiliating to have to use the surname of parents that didn't love me and didn't care about my feelings. My parents didn't love me and I don't want to go through life with a surname that ties me to the parents that didn't love me. I want to move on with my life, and I feel like a new name would represent a new life, even though there will always be that void.I'm dealing with the ramifications of this decision even now. I could have been a musician, and I was once in a position where people wanted to help me achieve that, and it was all working out, and my parents cheated me out of it. Now it's too late and I'll live my life knowing that I could have had my dream if they hadn't spoiled it for me. I now work at a job I despise, and every day I have the knowledge that I could be on a stage somewhere now. Imagine how that feels.I'm angry all the time, and the anger keeps coming back to me and making me lash out at people.This is verbose and not well written but it's hard to organize my thoughts when I'm emotional like this. It's a brutal winter and my seasonal affective disorder always brings my anger to the surface and makes me a bit loopy. I'm totally sane, I just don't know how to deal with all this unresolved anger. I know the years have gone by, but my parents failed me. Am I a horrible person, or crazy? How do I deal with this anger?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): Guys, it is not that her parents or my parents intentionally set out to hurt their child, it is the fact that they didn't put their child's feelings and life first.
That is what parenting is all about. When you make a decision to have children, it stops being about the wants and needs of the yourself and becomes about the wants and needs of your child.
My parents moved because they wanted to, not for financial reasons. They wanted to retire to the warm weather which is fine, but they could have waited until I was 18 and graduated high school, and then, the choice to move would have been mine. It was about meeting my needs. It is a parent's obligation to meet their child's needs.
Having a child is a forever deal. They aren't objects. They are human beings with feelings. If you want to raise a loving, caring and respectful child, then you have to be a loving, caring and respectful parent.
The old days of children having no voice are long gone.
If you want your child to grow into a happy, successful adult, then certain seeds have to be nurtured from birth, and happiness comes from learned behavior. Everything a child learns in the first 6 years of life, comes from their parents. If the parents are happy and loving, then the child will be happy and loving. Anything else is just an excuse!
I have known people to have come from nothing, but because their parents were absolutely devoted to them, they have grown up to live the best lives.
Now here I am at 40 years old still trying to put the pieces of my life back together wondering why my parents didn't care about me. It is a very sad existence!
A
female
reader, Princess706 +, writes (12 May 2011):
Wow- I thought I was reading from my own life script. Change a few locations and substitute your name with my name, and our stories are very similar.
I live in pain and anger everyday. My parents destroyed my life and dreams. I suffered at the hands of the people that were supposed to love and protect me.
I was born in Brooklyn, NY and at age 12, my parents who had me at age 40 after my 3 other siblings were practically all grown up, decided to whisk me away from all that was familiar to me, friends, family and school and all I had ever known, and moved me to Florida, and it was not Miami. It was some little crap hole called Spring Hill which back in 1983 had nothing. It was a small country town that barely had roads running through it. Talk about culture shock. I cried everyday because I didn't understand why i was being punished. It felt like hell for me!
I was an avid horseback rider with a talent for theater, and they too, lured me to Florida with the promise of buying me a horse. They too told me how wonderful it would be to live in Florida, but it was the worse thing that ever happened to me. I lost my identity and never recovered from the lies and the trauma of the move.
My parents are both dead now, and I feel very coldly toward them because they never ever put me first. The anger and resentment I harbor toward them has consumed my life. I too am working in a career I hate, and it is all I can do to wake up in the morning to go to work. I feel like I am dying inside. All I want is the life I was supposed to have had my parents gave a crap about me.
I have been in and out of therapy for years, and I could pretty much handle my anger which was next to none when I was a smoker, but as soon as I quit smoking 4 years ago, it was like the flood gates opened up, and the anger and resentment toward my parents for hurting me so badly became life consuming, and I too, am suffering everyday.
There was a kid in Florida about 20 years ago who divorced his parents because he felt like he was entitled to have a happy childhood with his foster parents, and you know what, every kid is entitled to be happy. I wish I could have divorced them because they sucked as parents.
I feel your pain. I really do. I have lived it myself. I was a much better daughter to them, then they were parents to me. They had four kids, and they screwed each one of us up in a different way. Not everyone should have kids.
Unfortunately, this type of anger and resentment is not so easy to let go of, and unless you have lived it, do not judge it.
I was emotionally neglected by my parents because they were too wrapped up in their own lives to care about me. I wished my mother would have aborted the pregnancy with me because she had no business having a baby at 40 when she could careless about raising me. I owe them nothing, and for those of you who say, grow up, or they did the best they could, those are only just words, and their treatment of me was abusive and unacceptable. You reap what you sow, and if it were that easy, don't you think we would have moved on already. Every failure stems back to my parents.
If I were you, I would change my name, and actually, I like that idea so much that i think I will change mine too. Thank you for the idea. You, like me, owe your parents nothing! Changing your name will actually be liberating for you. It will signify your independence from them, and they will no longer have control over you. You will also feel liberated, to a point, once they die, but somedays, I still feel like my mother is controlling me from the grave!
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A
female
reader, gpoyo +, writes (5 June 2010):
you cannot change the past, so why live in it. do your music, keep it in your life and just feel the pleasure of doing in small settings, family - it might lessen the tensions and help you rise above yourself - and friends - everybody loves having a friend that can share some quality music with them - .
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A
male
reader, james675  +, writes (31 January 2010):
I've just read through your entire post and thought it was quite well worded for a thirteen year old. I was even going to offer words of encouragement and support until I re-read the top part with your age.
For gods sake woman GROW UP!!
What an absolutely ridiculous posting.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): Your parents aren't the issue. They did the best they could with what they had.Count yourself lucky you even had parents. Many don't and would kill to get yours.Just because they broke a promise or two, does not make them terrorists for f**k sake.It makes them human. You have put them on such high pedestal they might as well be gods who fail to live up to expectations you had no right asking of them after your teen years.It's been 15 years. Grow up stop blaming other people for your own problems.Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (31 January 2010):
You need to get rid of this poison that's in you... they only way to do that is to get a therapist who can work with you to go back and revisit all these items and work though them. It's not difficult work, it simply takes someone who's not you to assist you in it. Please do this for your own sake.
In the mean time, here's a method that will work, but you're not going to like it (too bad, do it anyway in an effort to prove me wrong and let me know what happens...)...
For 30 days, every night before bed, get on your knees and pray for your parents, telling them that you forgive them, and want the best for them and that you know that they did the absolute best job that they were capable of raising you.
Do that every night... you'll start to consider things from a new perspective, and likely realize a few things, but you will not be able to harbor hatred for them any longer... try it - all you have to loose is this toxic hatred.
Consider this, you seem to have given this all your power and it's the root of all bad that's fallen on you since you were 15... that's ALOT of power and alot of bad shit... try my suggestion (it worked for me, I no longer HATE my ex-wife, and once was a time I would have seriously wanted to hurt her if I ever saw her again... she's safe now, as I know that she was mentally ill back then, doing the best she could with all the voices in her head).
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A
female
reader, curious0hot +, writes (31 January 2010):
 I think that you should seek counseling/therapy for the anger/sadness you feel surrounding your childhood. It can help you move past it, and continue your life happier. If changing your name makes you feel better, do it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): You speak as if your parents had purposely attempted to destroy ur dreams and world without taking into account the real reason they made such decisions in the first place.
what made them move to north carolina? there must be some explanable reason. according to u it sounds like they selfishly decided to move over there based on their own wishes, however, perhaps they mvoed because of financial reasons or because of a btter job opportunity.
u should maybe try to understand things through their perspective, this will help u hate them less because its so easy to pinpoint the blame without taking into consideration the situation of that person.
i personally have a terrible relationship with my parents and was forced to move from country to country so i can empathise with ur situation. however there were a lot other things that made me disliked them even more so i trtied my best to understand things through their point of view because i thought it was a waste of time to choose to hate.
anyway, i feel that u have so much anger bottled in because u were never given the opportunity to express urself and had to deal with ur issues alone. i think its good that ure expressing urself online here because its probably has a cathartic effect. a lot of the anger i felt towards my parents has diminushed a lot since ive learnt to communicate what i felt towards my close-ones. if u still seriously feel anger and resentment i suggest u should see a therapist because it will help u ease ur pain, since u will be given the opportunity to make better sense of ur issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): I'm 19 and had a very difficult childhood due to having to care for my mentally ill mother and autistic brothers. My mother tried to kill us when we were young and she was emotionally and physically abusive. My Dad did nothing to intervene which hurts more than anything. Last year my so-called mother attacked me and kicked me out and I was made homeless. After a lot of hard work I now finally have my life back on track.
I was finally able to move on due to acccepting that disappointment is just a part of life. Life will only bring you down if you LET it.
People lie. They take adavantage. They want nothing more than to see you fail. You may have been a musician if your life had gone the way you wanted it, if you stayed in Florida. But you know what? Chances are you wouldn't be. You'd still be stuck in the same dead end job, and hating life.
Your past is irrelevent. What matters is now. So it's time to prove everyone (even yourself) wrong and make something of yourself.
If you have Seasonal Affective Disorder living somewhere cold is doing you no favours. Try moving to the sun and maybe your mood will improve.
Have you actually talked to your parents about this? Maybe telling them how you feel will help. The last thing you want is to be all alone in life. No offence, but your parents don't actually sound that bad.
The other poster (janniepeg) is right- try seeing things from your parent's point of view. It doesn't sound like they moved just to deliberately hurt you, so maybe if you didn't see it that way it will help.Nobody has a perfect childhood, and you need to accept that your life will never be perfect.
Try also get some counselling or see about getting some sort of professional help. It's time to move on with your life and stop blaming it on your past.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): I'm 19 and had a very difficult childhood due to having to care for my mentally ill mother and autistic brothers. My mother tried to kill us when we were young and she was emotionally and physically abusive. My Dad did nothing to intervene which hurts more than anything. Last year my so-called mother attacked me and kicked me out and I was made homeless. After a lot of hard work I now finally have my life back on track.I was finally able to move on due to acccepting that disappointment is just a part of life. Life will only bring you down if you LET it.People lie. They take adavantage. They want nothing more than to see you fail. You may have been a musician if your life had gone the way you wanted it, if you stayed in Florida. But you know what? Chances are you wouldn't be. You'd still be stuck in the same dead end job, and hating life.Your past is irrelevent. What matters is now. So it's time to prove everyone (even yourself) wrong and make something of yourself. If you have Seasonal Affective Disorder living somewhere cold is doing you no favours. Try moving to the sun and maybe your mood will improve.Have you actually talked to your parents about this? Maybe telling them how you feel will help. The last thing you want is to be all alone in life. No offence, but your parents don't actually sound that bad.The other poster (janniepeg) is right- try seeing things from your parent's point of view. It doesn't sound like they moved just to deliberately hurt you, so maybe if you didn't see it that way it will help.Nobody has a perfect childhood, and you need to accept that your life will never be perfect. Try also get some counselling or see about getting some sort of professional help. It's time to move on with your life and stop blaming it on your past.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 January 2010):
 It is a long winter I know. Something else must have triggered the pain growing up. Your life is not working for you right now and you blame your parents for this. I am 29 I could say that I wished my childhood had been different. I had thoughts like if I had had a different set of parents, my life would be so much better. Put yourself into your parents shoes. Maybe they moved for financial reasons. Life has no guarantee, it doesn't follow a script. I actually studied in Boston and only a few students are shining bright after studying in schools like New England Conservatory and Berklee. A lot of students are struggling financially and desperately looking for students online, driving back and forth the city and the suburbs to find gigs. Parents can't be perfect. The best we could do is to be thankful for the years they put up with us and our incessant demands. The reason why today you still had the infantile rage is because you have had no one to talk to about this problem. You are not alone and many of us having bad childhoods had already moved on, and understood that we are the ones who control our fate. You are not a horrible person. You just have not had the opportunity to face this anger all your life. Inside you may feel guilt over hating your parents. This is what all of us go through. You have to process this love hate relationship with your parents before you could reconcile with them. I don't know if you have children. Parenting is the most time consuming, energy consuming job. It is a thankless job. You can't get over the anger overnight. I would suggest you to imagine yourself has a helpless little girl, hug her tight and accept that the painful childhood is what makes her strong, makes her who she is. I believe you need some sunlight. Get outside for some fresh air. You are free to feel whatever you have inside.
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