A
male
age
30-35,
*williams
writes:Hi all,My girlfriend (18 y.o.) and I (19 y.o.) have been dating for 4 years. It is a long distance relationship (about 3.5 hours distance), but I drive down to see her every weekend. I grew up with her (I've known her for 7 years), so I should start by saying that she has always been a kind hearted person, but she is also somewhat flaky. Either times in the past that she's had problems with the relationship, we've taken breaks from eachother. The first time lasted a day, as she called me crying not wanting to be apart, and the second time lasted about 3 months, and she was "talking" to another guy.The situation I have now is this: She goes to a dance studio regularly with a tight-knit group of friends. There is this new guy that started going there recently. While visiting her one weekend, I noticed him flirting with her pretty heavily. She didn't seem to be flirting back much, but it bugged me, so I talked to her about it. She said she didn't notice. It happened again and again over the course of a few weeks, but after the second or so time me bringing it up, she started getting upset. She didn't want to tell him to back off because she didn't "want it to be awkward or for there to be any bad blood about anything at the studio". I finally had a long talk about him obviously liking her, not being able to keep his hands or eyes to himself, etc. and told her I felt as if she didn't care that he did all of this in front of my face. I told her I felt very disrespected by him, but hadn't said anything to him because she didn't want me to. She agreed to talk to him.The talk though, came after something just a teeny bit questionable happened. I knew she was, according to her, cleaning the studio one sunday before monday classes started. I was supposed to have left town already, but hadn't. I decided I'd bring her a surprise (chocolates). When I got there, he was there inside with her. I walked up to the door, and they were laying on the couch, his head on one end, hers on the other, their feet toward the middle. I knocked, they both stood up, she came and greeted me with smiles, and he left the room. I told her it bugged me and she said "I didn't think about how bad that would look, but we were just listening to a song we are choreographing for then we are going to go choreograph." about 98% of me believes her.Also, he texts her every weekend I am down. It bugs me the hell out; and the times we have all been out together, he has told her "text me when you get home". They always hug when saying goodbye.It has been two weeks since she talked to him about acting "too friendly". He is still looking at her ass every time she turns around, pretty blatantly. If he sees me catch him in the act, he immediately looks away from both me and her.What should I do in this situation?? She thinks it has been "solved", but I don't. everytime i bring it up, she gets a little defensive. What now??
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flirt, long distance, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Yep I agree F them both. You deserve better.
Look at the bright side: you were smart enough and intuiative enough to realise something was amiss. It proves your instincts were right all along. Don't lose that ability to smell a rat and actually see that the rat is dead.
Chin up bud. It will be ok, take care
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Bummer, but at least you have an answer and some closure. F them is right.
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A
male
reader, cwilliams +, writes (18 November 2010):
cwilliams is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFound out sunday she's been cheating with him. F*** em.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 November 2010):
All the texting is more of his ploy to get her. When he does it while he knows you're there, it becomes a power play. He's basically reinforcing to himself and you who is more important to her. Because she is either clueless to this, or like most women loves texting, she's either knowingly or unknowingly reinforcing his behavior.
Easy to analyze, but difficult to handle. It isn't too much to ask that she tell him she's busy with you and can't text today or simply ignore his texts. In reality though, she'll fight this. Then you'll get into a fight about it and she'll be that much closer to falling into his arms for "support." Never seeing his ploy for what it is.
Ignoring the person in front of you and instead texting someone else is extremely rude. The problem with long standing relationships is that you have gotten past those boundaries. That's both good and bad. In this situation, it's bad. She doesn't care how she's making you feel because she's taking your feelings for granted. Your goal is to make her see this from your side. What if a girl was flirting with you in front of her? How would she feel? How would she feel if you ignored her feelings about that? Maybe posing these questions to her will help.
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A
female
reader, Miss.Me +, writes (1 November 2010):
 It sounds like there is definitely something between them, or it's going to be soon. Your girl likes the attention, I dont believe she is oblivious to all the signals the other guy is giving.
You sound like a good guy, I dont want you to get played with. So, have a serious talk with her and mention all the things you've written here. You've got legitimate reasons to be concerned. All this texting, hugging, spending time together doesn't sound like theyre just friends.
Long distance relationships are hard because you are not always there with your other half. That gives more chance to the couple becoming "distant." I think you should find out if this LDR isnt working out for her, if she needs someone more closer to her. You deserve to know this in order to move on with your life if the relationship with this girl isnt working. Nevertheless, I wish you all the luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): you described your girl friend as ''flaky''. I would go one step further, and sorry to have to say this, but your girlfriend is cheating on you behind your back. So she is dumb. But worse than that, she thinks you are stupid, and that you have not noticed what she is up to. Do not focus on the disrespectful guy. It could be any Guy. The trouble is this girl is encouraging this guy every step of the way. Sounds like they probably have a relationship on the days you are not there. And one more Sorry, but i think the days of your relationship with this girl are almost over, or should be. The right thing would be for her to stop texting this guy.
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A
male
reader, cwilliams +, writes (30 October 2010):
cwilliams is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd what about them texting 24/7? Is it fair to say that when I come see her it should be our time and not his and her time? Seriously they text from the time she wakes up until the time we go to bed..
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 October 2010):
It sucks but there is little you can do until she realizes he's crossing that line. She seems oblivious to it, which makes it better and worse. Then again, she may like the attention, so that might be part of her defensive reaction.
Sometimes it sucks knowing how guys think doesn't it? She sees your jealousy as irrational while you know exactly whats on his mind. Unfortunately until he steps out of bounds, your hands are pretty much tied.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): hi there.
as you said she has tight group of friends in her dance class maybe he is just one of them. it is possibly for girls to be absolutley in love an loyal to there boyfriends and stil have good mates which are boys.
but i do see why you would get annoyed , maybe a little jealous which is understandable, but at the end of the day she is with you for a reason . he seems like a flirt but most flirts are harmless . i would say to trust her. because if you start arguing about it , it might push her away and make him think hes won .
good luck x
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