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How do I get my dad to realize that my stepmother is the problem too?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 April 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 11 April 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *icki writes:


two years ago my dad got re-married and i HATE her. i've written about her before but then it wasn't so bad. she doesn't do anything to me but her even BEING there is awful. i have told my dad this many times but he always takes HER side. saying that its MY fault, that I should try harder.

her daughter is getting married but me and my brothers dont want to go so we told my dad and he said ok. however, SHE (my stepmum) wasn't very happy. so, we come down for breakfast one morning and she takes one look at me and says "such a cheap excuse! she is so cheap! i bet thats how she treats her friends!" ME!! she didnt even say anything to my brothers!!!!!!!!

and i say to my dad. "that is SO not fair! dont we hav free will anymore??" and he says "i know its not fair". but does he do anything about it??? NO WAY!!

what do i do to get him to realize that SHE is the problem too???

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A female reader, ticki United Kingdom +, writes (11 April 2010):

ticki is verified as being by the original poster of the question

ticki agony aunthiya, your answers have REALLY helped me just to realize what i'm doing and that what i'm doing is wrong. i WILL try to improve myself and i WILL write that dearCudpid letter from my stepmums point of view (a suggestion from Tisha-1).


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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (10 April 2010):

Miamine agony auntDo you love your father, or do you hate this woman more? What happens if you hate her so much and treat her so bad that she gives you what you want and she leaves.

You'll be happy, and then you'll grow up and fall in love and get yourself a boyfriend.

But what about your father? He stays alone and cries at night when you are all asleep. Do you love yourself so much that you are happy to see your father alone and unhappy?

You hate this woman, just because she's there. She hasn't done anything, you just hate her. So you try to get her to leave, you make her unhappy and make her cry, and then your dad gets sad.

What kind of loving daughter are you? Guess you only love one person, and that person is you. You'll be happy only when everyone else around you is unhappy and alone..

Take a look in the mirror, what kind of person are you?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (10 April 2010):

Tisha-1 agony auntI sorry Ticki, but I have a feeling that your Dad is trying very hard to hold this fragile family together. You sound very angry and upset but your rage is misplaced. Save this page and read it about 5 years from now. You'll see I was right then.

You're upset and angry and you're taking it out on her because she can't do anything to you. You are your Dad's and he'll protect you. The fact of the matter is that you are really angry with HIM. HE'S the one who wound up without your mother; HE'S the one who caused this situation, it's all HIS fault. But you see, you couldn't ever say that, think it or consider it, because HE'S all you've got, with you and your brothers.

So you pick on the one who cannot be mean or nasty to you, the one who is convenient to hate. You pick on her. Your dad is trying very hard to make the family work and all you are doing is acting like a spoilt child.

You dealt her a major insult and you expected her to take it without complaint? Really?

Tell your Dad that you are having trouble coping with this change (this will not be a surprise to him) and that you need to talk to him some more. Then share your feelings.

Try to understand things from his perspective. Try to think what life must be like for him. Then do something really daring and put yourself in your stepmother's shoes. She loves your dad, just like you do.

So now I want you to write back, only write this question from your stepmother's perspective. What would she write about this?

"DearCupid, my stepdaughter announced today that she didn't want to attend my daughter's wedding." Then finish that story from her perspective.

Life is not fair, people change, things change. I do know that how it all goes depends on your attitude. If you are sulky and angry, it goes one way. If you can laugh and find the humor and beauty in things, it goes a different way. Which path would you rather walk? I know you're still young, but you might as well start looking at this now.

I look forward to reading the DearCupid letter from your stepmother (the one written by you).

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A female reader, Ich_liebe_dich Philippines +, writes (10 April 2010):

Ich_liebe_dich agony auntI think i will agree to the comment of cnith.,

and for now i think try to be patient, focus on your school, finish it and be stable on your own in the future. 18 years old can already be on their own here in germany at least i thought you are from germany. your feeling is normal, but think of your dad too, if you love him you will understand him. you can make him happy by focusing on your future. I wish you find peace inside of you.

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A female reader, cnith United States +, writes (9 April 2010):

cnith agony auntYou hate her just for BEING there? She does nothing bad to you but you hate her anyway?

How's that for unfair? No wonder he takes her side.

How is she a problem when she doesn't DO anything to you??

I don't get it.

Stop whining and pay attention. If she was really bad, you can give your dad something concrete. Stupid things like "well she's just THERE." is not going to get you anywhere.

I understand you resenting her or hating that she's there and not your mother. But don't hate HER, hate your parents for being idiots and not keeping the house together. It's not her fault unless your dad cheated with her and that's how they ended up divorced. In which case, hate your dad too and move in with your mother.

Which brings up another point... where IS your mother?

If she died and that's how your dad ended up alone, then think how fair it is that he should be lonely forever just to make you happy? It's not fair. He needs someone too.

If your step is trying to be your mother, simply say I don't need you as a mother. I can be your friend and that's it. And then try to be friends with her.

Face it, she's not going anywhere anytime soon. Do the best you can with what you have. In three to five years you'll leave the house and be done with it. (if in your country a child is legal at 18) Move out and be your own person then you don't have to deal with her anymore.

But for the meanwhile, don't make it worse for yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010):

Do you love your dad?

My parents got divorced too and they both remarried when I was in my early teens - how about showing your parents that you care about them enough to welcome their new partner into your family.

I've never been anything but friendly towards my stepdad and my stepmum, they are both very nice people when I got to know them.

When my parents told me that they were getting re-married I decided then and there that anyone that could make my dad or mum happy was alright by me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010):

i personally have never had this problem but i hear stepmoms can be real witches. You may be talking to your father about the situation but chances are he isnt taking u seriously and he thinks you will grow to like her which in most cases will never happen. U hate her now and u prolly always will.

Tell him the way she treats you is putting to much stress on you and he may want her in his life but that doesnt necessaraly mean you want her in yours.

Having a stepmother is so that the father can have a wife. not to replace the childrens real mom. So it isnt his choice to involve her in your life.

i hope this helps.

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